Subversa Posted July 13, 2020 Share Posted July 13, 2020 22 hours ago, LaurenEliz said: I don’t know if this makes sense, it makes sense to me - that’s why he was so specific about it being a voice message. It’s because he wants her to him in the hope she stays. Do you think if he just felt guilty and just wanted to say sorry he’d just end it/text it? The fact that he’s bothering to send it as a voice message says a lot. What do you think? And thank you, I screenshot what people say on here it helps Hi Lauren, I just finished reading your thread and want to chime in. First of all, To answer your question, the fact that he is contacting her either by text messages or voice messages shows his interest/wanting to start/continue his relationship with her. If he didn’t want her in his life, he wouldn’t be sending texts let alone voice messages. I know you are conflicted, hope is saying one thing and instinct is telling you another. Please listen to your instincts because you deserve better than someone who texts behind the back of his heavily pregnant wife who is already the mother of his children. This is a vulnerable time for you where you are seeking stability and comfort. I hope you can redirect your focus on yourself and your kids. No decisions have to be made for now. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted July 13, 2020 Author Share Posted July 13, 2020 8 hours ago, Subversa said: Hi Lauren, I just finished reading your thread and want to chime in. First of all, To answer your question, the fact that he is contacting her either by text messages or voice messages shows his interest/wanting to start/continue his relationship with her. If he didn’t want her in his life, he wouldn’t be sending texts let alone voice messages. I know you are conflicted, hope is saying one thing and instinct is telling you another. Please listen to your instincts because you deserve better than someone who texts behind the back of his heavily pregnant wife who is already the mother of his children. This is a vulnerable time for you where you are seeking stability and comfort. I hope you can redirect your focus on yourself and your kids. No decisions have to be made for now. Thank you for such a kind message. My head is a mess today so I’m going to keep off here until it’s a little less fuzzy but I just wanted to say thank you Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted July 23, 2020 Author Share Posted July 23, 2020 (edited) Update to my situation Hi everyone, Found highly emotional messages between H and OW in Dec 2017 whilst I was pregnant with our first baby. He used words he’s never used with me. He ‘deleted her’ infront of me and I put it down to him being nervous about becoming a Dad. These messages included her saying if you have another baby in the further she would leave. (I was already pregnant when he met her). Things hadn’t been great since, our son was born in Feb 2018. He’s a great dad but we haven’t been good. Last summer (and this is where I’m going to get flamed), I thought maybe having another baby would help (and I’ve always wanted a sibling for our son). I found one message at Christmas last year saying from him to her saying ‘there are things happening that mean trouble for me’ (right around the time we were trying to conceive) - I’m aware that I really pushed for this second baby. I pushed the message to the back of my mind. I am now pregnant. Over the past couple of weeks he has tried to call her but they have only lasted a couple of seconds so I assume he panicked and hung up. I synced his WhatsApp to my iPad (friend showed me how to do it) - and he made contact with her the other day (first time in months, confirmed) with him sending a photo of when they used to work in a team with the quote ‘happy memories’. She responded and they had normal chat until she asked if he still had feelings for her. He said: ‘All I know is I want you in my life, you’re special to me, I think about you everyday’. He then went on to say that there are things he needs to say to her but won’t come out right on message so he will send a voice message when he can so ‘she knows he is being genuine’. He never blocked her. He never deleted her number. He’s clearly terrified of losing her because he knows if he tells her I’m pregnant there’s a high chance she will leave so rather than just text her and say, he’s going to the trouble of letting her hear him explain it. It’s clearly not over between them Edited July 26, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Removed personal message. Link to post Share on other sites
BMP2CPM Posted July 23, 2020 Share Posted July 23, 2020 I’ll give you a guy’s perspective. You won’t like it. And you won’t do it. But here it is anyway. We men are simple creatures. We have to have s*x. If we are not having regular s*x with our partner, we become weak to temptation. Problem is your emotional connection to him has been damaged by his actions. Little emotional connection -> no s*x -> man weak to temptation. Easy to fix things, but women seldom do it. Be s*xy with him. Make time for the physical. Wear some lingerie, nibble on his ear, and tell him you won’t proceed any further until he deletes her number in front of you. You can retain all the power if you bite the bullet on the emotional connection and give him regular s*x. Use s*x to steer him away from the other woman and to fully commit his resources to you. Wearing see through outfits in bed gives you more power in the relationship than you think. And don’t give him s*x on your schedule, late at night, after all the daily tasks are done and he is exhausted. Husbands hate that. Do it at a time that is convenient to him, not you. Be as spontaneous as you can, given your situation. Good luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted July 23, 2020 Author Share Posted July 23, 2020 14 minutes ago, BMP2CPM said: I’ll give you a guy’s perspective. You won’t like it. And you won’t do it. But here it is anyway. We men are simple creatures. We have to have s*x. If we are not having regular s*x with our partner, we become weak to temptation. Problem is your emotional connection to him has been damaged by his actions. Little emotional connection -> no s*x -> man weak to temptation. Easy to fix things, but women seldom do it. Be s*xy with him. Make time for the physical. Wear some lingerie, nibble on his ear, and tell him you won’t proceed any further until he deletes her number in front of you. You can retain all the power if you bite the bullet on the emotional connection and give him regular s*x. Use s*x to steer him away from the other woman and to fully commit his resources to you. Wearing see through outfits in bed gives you more power in the relationship than you think. And don’t give him s*x on your schedule, late at night, after all the daily tasks are done and he is exhausted. Husbands hate that. Do it at a time that is convenient to him, not you. Be as spontaneous as you can, given your situation. Good luck! Yeah I’m asking why he still has her number, not tips on how to be sexy, thanks 4 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 23, 2020 Share Posted July 23, 2020 Lauren, so what has actually happened since you last posted on the 12th? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted July 23, 2020 Author Share Posted July 23, 2020 2 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Lauren, so what has actually happened since you last posted on the 12th? Im posting in other subs as advised by other members. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted July 23, 2020 Author Share Posted July 23, 2020 Just now, LaurenEliz said: Im posting in other subs as advised by other members. He still hasn’t told her, still hasn’t left her this voice message and he said ‘turns out I do need you’. I still don’t understand why he hasn’t told her, am I being stupid in thinking it would make his life easier to just block her? It’s obviously weighing on him. Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted July 24, 2020 Share Posted July 24, 2020 (edited) Oh, Lauren. You're still stuck and still asking the same questions. Posting the same questions in a different sub won't change the situation or change how he feels about her or change how he feels about you. He hasn't told her because he's chicken! He's conflict avoidant, and you know it. He's afraid she'll dump him & cut off contact. Edited July 24, 2020 by Crazelnut 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted July 24, 2020 Author Share Posted July 24, 2020 Hi, yep I was advised to post in another sub by several members. They said it might give me the same answers even from different perspectives. Whats your take on him saying ‘turns out’ to her? Surely turns out means maybe he was happy with me for abit? Or am I reaching Link to post Share on other sites
Prudence V Posted July 24, 2020 Share Posted July 24, 2020 6 hours ago, LaurenEliz said: Whats your take on him saying ‘turns out’ to her? Surely turns out means maybe he was happy with me for abit? Or am I reaching “Turns out” means he was hoping he could talk himself into forgetting her, and settling with you. “Turns out” he couldn’t. “Turns out” she was just too important to him for his best efforts at caring about your marriage to fall flat. “Turns out” he couldn’t lie to himself and pretend to care about being a husband to you. “Turns out” he’s done pretending, and just wants her and wants to be over the charade of your marriage. “Turns out” even though he gave you what you wanted - another baby - he still can’t muster any feelings for you and wants to walk away from feeling so trapped by the marriage. “Turns out” she’s definitely the one he’s loved all along. Maybe even, “turns out” he’s ready to walk away from you and your kids and start a new life of freedom with her, if she’ll still have him. Are you ready for that? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted July 24, 2020 Author Share Posted July 24, 2020 22 minutes ago, Prudence V said: “Turns out” means he was hoping he could talk himself into forgetting her, and settling with you. “Turns out” he couldn’t. “Turns out” she was just too important to him for his best efforts at caring about your marriage to fall flat. “Turns out” he couldn’t lie to himself and pretend to care about being a husband to you. “Turns out” he’s done pretending, and just wants her and wants to be over the charade of your marriage. “Turns out” even though he gave you what you wanted - another baby - he still can’t muster any feelings for you and wants to walk away from feeling so trapped by the marriage. “Turns out” she’s definitely the one he’s loved all along. Maybe even, “turns out” he’s ready to walk away from you and your kids and start a new life of freedom with her, if she’ll still have him. Are you ready for that? Thank you for your comment. I don’t know what I’m ready for right now to be honest with you. So would you say if he was happy with me he’d have just deleted her number? The fact he has kept it means he wants to keep her in his life? What do you make of him wanting to leave her this voicemessage? Is it in the hope she hears him and she stays? Rather than just sending a text? thank you again for your honesty Link to post Share on other sites
Prudence V Posted July 24, 2020 Share Posted July 24, 2020 6 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said: So would you say if he was happy with me he’d have just deleted her number? Yes. Lauren this is obviously a difficult time for you. But you need to put yourself and your kids first here. You cannot count on him sticking around. He submitted to this second baby - he didn’t *want* it. You’re hoping he will love it and bond with it, and it will keep him invested - but chances are it won’t. He may resent the baby, may use it as a reason to put greater distance between himself and you and your other child. It’s unlikely to fix anything. You’re clinging to hope here that is likely to let you down horribly. You need to start thinking of your family as just you and your kids. He may play some role, likely on the fringes - or he may not. But he won’t be a husband or a partner, and he won’t be there for you in any way you can count on. He’s shown you that. Protect yourself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted July 24, 2020 Author Share Posted July 24, 2020 48 minutes ago, Prudence V said: Yes. Lauren this is obviously a difficult time for you. But you need to put yourself and your kids first here. You cannot count on him sticking around. He submitted to this second baby - he didn’t *want* it. You’re hoping he will love it and bond with it, and it will keep him invested - but chances are it won’t. He may resent the baby, may use it as a reason to put greater distance between himself and you and your other child. It’s unlikely to fix anything. You’re clinging to hope here that is likely to let you down horribly. You need to start thinking of your family as just you and your kids. He may play some role, likely on the fringes - or he may not. But he won’t be a husband or a partner, and he won’t be there for you in any way you can count on. He’s shown you that. Protect yourself. You’re right I am clinging on. I’m trying to listen to the rational part of my brain but I’m not at the moment and that’s why I come on here for people to tell me what I obviously need to hear. If he didn’t care about her at all would he leave her number there? Or would he delete? Link to post Share on other sites
RebeccaR Posted July 24, 2020 Share Posted July 24, 2020 The number is a red herring. Even if he lost all feelings for her, he might not have bothered deleting it. Conversely, even if he deleted it, it proves nothing - especially if he had strong feelings for her, was trying to get over her for a time and was triggered by seeing it. Don’t even think about the number. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted July 24, 2020 Author Share Posted July 24, 2020 14 minutes ago, RebeccaR said: The number is a red herring. Even if he lost all feelings for her, he might not have bothered deleting it. Conversely, even if he deleted it, it proves nothing - especially if he had strong feelings for her, was trying to get over her for a time and was triggered by seeing it. Don’t even think about the number. I have to respectfully disagree. He thinks I think he deleted it so surely if he wanted to make it work with me he’d delete it Link to post Share on other sites
RebeccaR Posted July 24, 2020 Share Posted July 24, 2020 You answered your own question. I am of the opinion you should focus on the upcoming birth and use your husband for as much assistance as possible with both children until you have your physical and mental strength back. However, even if this woman leaves him or otherwise leaves the picture entirely, keep in mind he’s not bonded to you or invested in your relationship. You should think seriously about proactively leaving him and getting the maximum child support payments from him. AFTER the birth and postpartum period. I would only leave him sooner if he blatantly starts seeing her publicly or something like that. My opinion only. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted July 24, 2020 Author Share Posted July 24, 2020 5 minutes ago, RebeccaR said: You answered your own question. I am of the opinion you should focus on the upcoming birth and use your husband for as much assistance as possible with both children until you have your physical and mental strength back. However, even if this woman leaves him or otherwise leaves the picture entirely, keep in mind he’s not bonded to you or invested in your relationship. You should think seriously about proactively leaving him and getting the maximum child support payments from him. AFTER the birth and postpartum period. I would only leave him sooner if he blatantly starts seeing her publicly or something like that. My opinion only. Thank you for your comments I’m screenshotting everything. I understand what you’re saying. Can I ask your take on why he is so adamant to her that it’s a voicemessage he leaves her? From the messages I have seen he still has not told her so I’m assuming this is what that voice message will be. Why doesn’t he just put it in a text? It’s clearly weighing on his mind Link to post Share on other sites
RebeccaR Posted July 24, 2020 Share Posted July 24, 2020 He believes he’s more likely to convince her with a voicemail than a text. To be clear, he may never leave for her, or he may leave for someone else, or she could get fed up and leave, she could meet someone else. This isn’t only about preventing him from being with her. Even if she is (god forbid) killed in a car accident tomorrow, he has shown he can’t be a good husband to you and isn’t invested in your relationship. This is why you should leave him regardless, unless something changes drastically in a way I can’t imagine it will. When I say “use” your husband for assistance with the kids in the meantime, I mean just that. Take advantage of any sense of obligation he has and get as much work out of him as possible. Childbirth and postpartum are no joke. He owes it to you, and I believe he will be more likely to follow through on that obligation to you if you are not nagging him about his phone or his girlfriend. Don’t feel guilty about using him - he is the dishonest one here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted July 24, 2020 Author Share Posted July 24, 2020 2 minutes ago, RebeccaR said: He believes he’s more likely to convince her with a voicemail than a text. To be clear, he may never leave for her, or he may leave for someone else, or she could get fed up and leave, she could meet someone else. This isn’t only about preventing him from being with her. Even if she is (god forbid) killed in a car accident tomorrow, he has shown he can’t be a good husband to you and isn’t invested in your relationship. This is why you should leave him regardless, unless something changes drastically in a way I can’t imagine it will. When I say “use” your husband for assistance with the kids in the meantime, I mean just that. Take advantage of any sense of obligation he has and get as much work out of him as possible. Childbirth and postpartum are no joke. He owes it to you, and I believe he will be more likely to follow through on that obligation to you if you are not nagging him about his phone or his girlfriend. Don’t feel guilty about using him - he is the dishonest one here. Thank you, you’re right. I think I’ve been kidding myself about some things. To em, him having her number should tell me everything that I need to know. If he was serious about our marriage, that link to her wouldn’t exist anymore Link to post Share on other sites
Nats_16 Posted July 24, 2020 Share Posted July 24, 2020 I wish I could grab you and shake you in the nicest way possible. You sound like such a nice lady and you’re putting up with this. The best thing for you and your Babies is to pack him a bag and ask him to leave. He is clearly feeling drawn to this woman but do not allow him to have his cake and eat it. X 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted July 24, 2020 Author Share Posted July 24, 2020 5 minutes ago, Nats_16 said: I wish I could grab you and shake you in the nicest way possible. You sound like such a nice lady and you’re putting up with this. The best thing for you and your Babies is to pack him a bag and ask him to leave. He is clearly feeling drawn to this woman but do not allow him to have his cake and eat it. X Hi, thanks for your message..I do need a shake. I understand why people are getting frustrated with me, I do suffer from anxiety and this has triggered it. I’m trying to keep as calm as possible at the moment for obvious reasons. Happy to hear your thoughts on my situation. Would you say if he didn’t want her anymore or if he no longer needed her for whatever reason, it would be an easy thing to do, to delete her? There is no way you’d just leave a number and not use is there? I know I’m other circumstances people with breakups for example they don’t bother deleting the number but surely my situation is different? Link to post Share on other sites
Nats_16 Posted July 24, 2020 Share Posted July 24, 2020 Your situation is no different, parts of the story are unique to you but the baseline is the same-he is a man that for some reason cannot seem to let this woman fully go. If she was not important then he wouldn’t be in touch with her, especially considering his wife is currently expecting. I think he is likely with you out of habit and obligation, I don’t mean that in a wicked way but he is probably to scared to face the fall out if he left you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted July 24, 2020 Author Share Posted July 24, 2020 2 minutes ago, Nats_16 said: Your situation is no different, parts of the story are unique to you but the baseline is the same-he is a man that for some reason cannot seem to let this woman fully go. If she was not important then he wouldn’t be in touch with her, especially considering his wife is currently expecting. I think he is likely with you out of habit and obligation, I don’t mean that in a wicked way but he is probably to scared to face the fall out if he left you. I know this sounds like I’m hanging on for dear life and maybe I am but he’s not intouch with her right now. Probably because I’m watching him like a hawk and he’s never by himself to do so. I’m still very unclear on what cutting contact means..I’ve looked on other sites and they have said deleting the number would be the minimum, would you agree? Well what I’m going to say I will get flamed for but it’s jusy the truth, after our first was born just over two years ago, he said he was only here because of our son and he couldn’t put him through what he went through growing up. So I thought, even though I did push and push for this baby, that because he eventually agreed then maybe he isn’t just here for the kids because he agreed to another Link to post Share on other sites
Nats_16 Posted July 24, 2020 Share Posted July 24, 2020 It is quite likely that he is just there for the children. How does he treat you? I guess it depends on what you want out of your life, are you happy to settle which many people do or do you want a real true genuine love, only you know the answer and what you are willing to accept. Sleeping with one eye open is not a fun game x 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts