Husband kept OW number

[LaurenEliz]

3 minutes ago, Stevnx3 said:

It is him saying exactly what you read, Lauren. He wants her. He misses her. 

Things will eventually morph into the sexual. What will you do when you see sex texts from him or her? Or dare I say they meet and somehow you find out? 

I can tell you he won't be loving his wife! Things like this tend to progress, y'know? In it deep here. 

Thanks I needed to hear this

[Stevnx3]

2 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said:

Thanks I needed to hear this

I know. It is not quite what I would like to say, Lauren. What if he gets her pregnant? How will you feel about that?

[Crazelnut]

Lauren, you are still desperately trying to find something, anything to convince yourself that he's going to stop this nonsense and be faithful to you. You are wasting time and energy on something that  won't happen. He has revealed his true feelings, and no amount of magical thinking on your part is going to make things right. But here you are, still analyzing every sentence he wrote, trying to find some way to interpret his meaning so it's favorable. 

Wouldn't you be better off if you just accepted the situation for what it is? Surely that would be less stressful for you & the baby?  You could spend your energy on figuring out what you want going forward. (And no, having this guy be a faithful husband is not on the menu.) Once you truly accept the situation for what it is, you will be free to start envisioning a better, less stressful life for you & your children. 

Edited July 12, 2020 by Crazelnut

[LaurenEliz]

1 hour ago, Crazelnut said:

Lauren, you are still desperately trying to find something, anything to convince yourself that he's going to stop this nonsense and be faithful to you. You are wasting time and energy on something that  won't happen. He has revealed his true feelings, and no amount of magical thinking on your part is going to make things right. But here you are, still analyzing every sentence he wrote, trying to find some way to interpret his meaning so it's favorable. 

Wouldn't you be better off if you just accepted the situation for what it is? Surely that would be less stressful for you & the baby?  You could spend your energy on figuring out what you want going forward. (And no, having this guy be a faithful husband is not on the menu.) Once you truly accept the situation for what it is, you will be free to start envisioning a better, less stressful life for you & your children. 

Hi, I know. I had abit of a bad day yesterday, I did interpret him saying ‘I do miss having you in my life’ as it’s over, but I do miss you 

[LaurenEliz]

21 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said:

Hi, I know. I had abit of a bad day yesterday, I did interpret him saying ‘I do miss having you in my life’ as it’s over, but I do miss you 

Interested in your opinion of his wording though @Crazelnut if you have one. You’ve been very direct and helpful in this forum so always open to hearing

[Crazelnut]

No, it means he actively misses her in his life and WANTS HER IN HIS LIFE NOW. Lauren, you've got to face the reality of this sooner or later. Sooner allows you to plan and prepare. Sweetie, he is not ending things with her. It's the exact opposite. He's scared to death SHE will end it if she finds out you're pregnant.

Edited July 12, 2020 by Crazelnut

[LaurenEliz]

I’ve been scared of putting this because I don’t want anyone thinking that I think this second baby is a mistake. I will love this baby and so will he - but it’s not going to bring us closer together is it

[Crazelnut]

3 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said:

I’ve been scared of putting this because I don’t want anyone thinking that I think this second baby is a mistake. I will love this baby and so will he - but it’s not going to bring us closer together is it

Nope, this baby will not bring you closer together. Babies never fix the problems in a relationship.  I know it's hard to accept, but your husband cares more for this other woman than he does for you. All the wishing and hoping in the world won't change that. All the babies in the world won't change that. I'm sorry. 

[LaurenEliz]

2 minutes ago, Crazelnut said:

Nope, this baby will not bring you closer together. Babies never fix the problems in a relationship.  I know it's hard to accept, but your husband cares more for this other woman than he does for you. All the wishing and hoping in the world won't change that. All the babies in the world won't change that. I'm sorry. 

Please don’t be sorry. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently and what you said before makes so much sense. I know they used to text all the time, I used to say hi his online times. It was constant. I know he stopped speaking to her for almost 4 months but not out of love for me, but because he sticks his head in the sand about everything. 

He still hasn’t told her. He will have to soon as I’m due soon. He hasn’t told her yet because he knows she could stand by what she originally said to him which was that she’d leave. 

I don’t know if this makes sense, it makes sense to me - that’s why he was so specific about it being a voice message. It’s because he wants her to him in the hope she stays. Do you think if he just felt guilty and just wanted to say sorry he’d just end it/text it? The fact that he’s bothering to send it as a voice message says a lot. What do you think? And thank you, I screenshot what people say on here it helps

[elaine567]

8 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said:

I will love this baby and so will he - but it’s not going to bring us closer together is it

Yes he may, but he may not love the baby, it is not guaranteed. 
He may resent it unfortunately, as he may see it as just another thing that stands in the way of him being with his OW and its existence may indeed mean he loses her...
I know you want her out of your lives, but living with a grieving man, grieving for his OW, may not be much fun either...

[pepperbird]

OP,

try looking at your situation in the long term. do you really want to be tied to a man who is this disrespectful to you? What sort of lesson will that teach your child?

[Subversa]

22 hours ago, LaurenEliz said:

 

I don’t know if this makes sense, it makes sense to me - that’s why he was so specific about it being a voice message. It’s because he wants her to him in the hope she stays. Do you think if he just felt guilty and just wanted to say sorry he’d just end it/text it? The fact that he’s bothering to send it as a voice message says a lot. What do you think? And thank you, I screenshot what people say on here it helps

Hi Lauren, I just finished reading your thread and want to chime in. First of all, To answer your question, the fact that he is contacting her either by text messages or voice messages shows his interest/wanting to start/continue his relationship with her. 
If he didn’t want her in his life, he wouldn’t be sending texts let alone voice messages. 
I know you are conflicted, hope is saying one thing and instinct is telling you another. Please listen to your instincts because you deserve better than someone who texts behind the back of his heavily pregnant wife who is already the mother of his children. 
This is a vulnerable time for you where you are seeking stability and comfort. I hope you can redirect your focus on yourself and your kids. No decisions have to be made for now. 

[LaurenEliz]

8 hours ago, Subversa said:

Hi Lauren, I just finished reading your thread and want to chime in. First of all, To answer your question, the fact that he is contacting her either by text messages or voice messages shows his interest/wanting to start/continue his relationship with her. 
If he didn’t want her in his life, he wouldn’t be sending texts let alone voice messages. 
I know you are conflicted, hope is saying one thing and instinct is telling you another. Please listen to your instincts because you deserve better than someone who texts behind the back of his heavily pregnant wife who is already the mother of his children. 
This is a vulnerable time for you where you are seeking stability and comfort. I hope you can redirect your focus on yourself and your kids. No decisions have to be made for now. 

Thank you for such a kind message. My head is a mess today so I’m going to keep off here until it’s a little less fuzzy but I just wanted to say thank you

[LaurenEliz]

Update to my situation

Hi everyone,

Found highly emotional messages between H and OW in Dec 2017 whilst I was pregnant with our first baby. He used words he’s never used with me. He ‘deleted her’ infront of me and I put it down to him being nervous about becoming a Dad. These messages included her saying if you have another baby in the further she would leave. (I was already pregnant when he met her). 

Things hadn’t been great since, our son was born in Feb 2018. He’s a great dad but we haven’t been good. Last summer (and this is where I’m going to get flamed), I thought maybe having another baby would help (and I’ve always wanted a sibling for our son). 
I found one message at Christmas last year saying from him to her saying ‘there are things happening that mean trouble for me’ (right around the time we were trying to conceive) - I’m aware that I really pushed for this second baby. 
I pushed the message to the back of my mind. 
I am now pregnant. 
Over the past couple of weeks he has tried to call her but they have only lasted a couple of seconds so I assume he panicked and hung up. 
I synced his WhatsApp to my iPad (friend showed me how to do it) - and he made contact with her the other day (first time in months, confirmed) with him sending a photo of when they used to work in a team with the quote ‘happy memories’. She responded and they had normal chat until she asked if he still had feelings for her. He said:
‘All I know is I want you in my life, you’re special to me, I think about you everyday’. 
He then went on to say that there are things he needs to say to her but won’t come out right on message so he will send a voice message when he can so ‘she knows he is being genuine’. 
He never blocked her. 
He never deleted her number. 
He’s clearly terrified of losing her because he knows if he tells her I’m pregnant there’s a high chance she will leave so rather than just text her and say, he’s going to the trouble of letting her hear him explain it. 
It’s clearly not over between them

Edited July 26, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed personal message.

[BMP2CPM]

I’ll give you a guy’s perspective. 

You won’t like it. And you won’t do it. But here it is anyway. 

We men are simple creatures. We have to have s*x. If we are not having regular s*x with our partner, we become weak to temptation. 

Problem is your emotional connection to him has been damaged by his actions.
Little emotional connection -> no s*x -> man weak to temptation. 

Easy to fix things, but women seldom do it. Be s*xy with him. Make time for the physical. 

Wear some lingerie, nibble on his ear, and tell him you won’t proceed any further until he deletes her number in front of you. 

You can retain all the power if you bite the bullet on the emotional connection and give him regular s*x.

Use s*x to steer him away from the other woman and to fully commit his resources to you. 

Wearing see through outfits in bed gives you more power in the relationship than you think. 

And don’t give him s*x on your schedule, late at night, after all the daily tasks are done and he is exhausted. Husbands hate that. Do it at a time that is convenient to him, not you. Be as spontaneous as you can, given your situation.

Good luck!

[LaurenEliz]

14 minutes ago, BMP2CPM said:

I’ll give you a guy’s perspective. 

You won’t like it. And you won’t do it. But here it is anyway. 

We men are simple creatures. We have to have s*x. If we are not having regular s*x with our partner, we become weak to temptation. 

Problem is your emotional connection to him has been damaged by his actions.
Little emotional connection -> no s*x -> man weak to temptation. 

Easy to fix things, but women seldom do it. Be s*xy with him. Make time for the physical. 

Wear some lingerie, nibble on his ear, and tell him you won’t proceed any further until he deletes her number in front of you. 

You can retain all the power if you bite the bullet on the emotional connection and give him regular s*x.

Use s*x to steer him away from the other woman and to fully commit his resources to you. 

Wearing see through outfits in bed gives you more power in the relationship than you think. 

And don’t give him s*x on your schedule, late at night, after all the daily tasks are done and he is exhausted. Husbands hate that. Do it at a time that is convenient to him, not you. Be as spontaneous as you can, given your situation.

Good luck!

Yeah I’m asking why he still has her number, not tips on how to be sexy, thanks 

[elaine567]

Lauren, so what has actually happened since you last posted on the 12th?

[LaurenEliz]

2 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Lauren, so what has actually happened since you last posted on the 12th?

Im posting in other subs as advised by other members. 

[LaurenEliz]

Just now, LaurenEliz said:

Im posting in other subs as advised by other members. 

He still hasn’t told her, still hasn’t left her this voice message and he said ‘turns out I do need you’. 

I still don’t understand why he hasn’t told her, am I being stupid in thinking it would make his life easier to just block her? It’s obviously weighing on him. 

[Crazelnut]

Oh, Lauren. You're still stuck and still asking the same questions. Posting the same questions in a different sub won't change the situation or change how he feels about her or change how he feels about you.

 

He hasn't told her because he's chicken! He's conflict avoidant, and you know it. He's afraid she'll dump him & cut off contact.

Edited July 24, 2020 by Crazelnut

[LaurenEliz]

Hi, yep I was advised to post in another sub by several members. They said it might give me the same answers even from different perspectives. 

Whats your take on him saying ‘turns out’ to her? Surely turns out means maybe he was happy with me for abit? Or am I reaching

[Prudence V]

6 hours ago, LaurenEliz said:

Whats your take on him saying ‘turns out’ to her? Surely turns out means maybe he was happy with me for abit? Or am I reaching

“Turns out” means he was hoping he could talk himself into forgetting her, and settling with you. “Turns out” he couldn’t. “Turns out” she was just too important to him for his best efforts at caring about your marriage to fall flat. “Turns out” he couldn’t lie to himself and pretend to care about being a husband to you. “Turns out” he’s done pretending, and just wants her and wants to be over the charade of your marriage. “Turns out” even though he gave you what you wanted - another baby - he still can’t muster any feelings for you and wants to walk away from feeling so trapped by the marriage. “Turns out” she’s definitely the one he’s loved all along. 
 

Maybe even, “turns out” he’s ready to walk away from you and your kids and start a new life of freedom with her, if she’ll still have him. 
 

Are you ready for that? 

[LaurenEliz]

22 minutes ago, Prudence V said:

“Turns out” means he was hoping he could talk himself into forgetting her, and settling with you. “Turns out” he couldn’t. “Turns out” she was just too important to him for his best efforts at caring about your marriage to fall flat. “Turns out” he couldn’t lie to himself and pretend to care about being a husband to you. “Turns out” he’s done pretending, and just wants her and wants to be over the charade of your marriage. “Turns out” even though he gave you what you wanted - another baby - he still can’t muster any feelings for you and wants to walk away from feeling so trapped by the marriage. “Turns out” she’s definitely the one he’s loved all along. 
 

Maybe even, “turns out” he’s ready to walk away from you and your kids and start a new life of freedom with her, if she’ll still have him. 
 

Are you ready for that? 

Thank you for your comment. I don’t know what I’m ready for right now to be honest with you. So would you say if he was happy with me he’d have just deleted her number? The fact he has kept it means he wants to keep her in his life? 

What do you make of him wanting to leave her this voicemessage? Is it in the hope she hears him and she stays? Rather than just sending a text?

thank you again for your honesty

[Prudence V]

6 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said:

So would you say if he was happy with me he’d have just deleted her number?

Yes. 
 

Lauren this is obviously a difficult time for you. But you need to put yourself and your kids first here. You cannot count on him sticking around. He submitted to this second baby - he didn’t *want* it. You’re hoping he will love it and bond with it, and it will keep him invested - but chances are it won’t. He may resent the baby, may use it as a reason to put greater distance between himself and you and your other child. It’s unlikely to fix anything. You’re clinging to hope here that is likely to let you down horribly. You need to start thinking of your family as just you and your kids. He may play some role, likely on the fringes - or he may not. But he won’t be a husband or a partner, and he won’t be there for you in any way you can count on. He’s shown you that. Protect yourself. 

[LaurenEliz]

48 minutes ago, Prudence V said:

Yes. 
 

Lauren this is obviously a difficult time for you. But you need to put yourself and your kids first here. You cannot count on him sticking around. He submitted to this second baby - he didn’t *want* it. You’re hoping he will love it and bond with it, and it will keep him invested - but chances are it won’t. He may resent the baby, may use it as a reason to put greater distance between himself and you and your other child. It’s unlikely to fix anything. You’re clinging to hope here that is likely to let you down horribly. You need to start thinking of your family as just you and your kids. He may play some role, likely on the fringes - or he may not. But he won’t be a husband or a partner, and he won’t be there for you in any way you can count on. He’s shown you that. Protect yourself. 

You’re right I am clinging on. I’m trying to listen to the rational part of my brain but I’m not at the moment and that’s why I come on here for people to tell me what I obviously need to hear. If he didn’t care about her at all would he leave her number there? Or would he delete?