Author LaurenEliz Posted July 24, 2020 Author Share Posted July 24, 2020 13 minutes ago, Nats_16 said: It is quite likely that he is just there for the children. How does he treat you? I guess it depends on what you want out of your life, are you happy to settle which many people do or do you want a real true genuine love, only you know the answer and what you are willing to accept. Sleeping with one eye open is not a fun game x I know and that’s exactly how I feel at the moment. He actually said himself ‘I make it a happy house for our sons sake’ so I guess that says everything. I just thought maybe by agreeing to number two that he he wasn’t just here for the kids because he agreed to another (even though I pushed for this baby) and I did think in the back of my mind if he still has that link to her surely this will be a push for him to delete her and work on our marriage but he didn’t Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 24, 2020 Share Posted July 24, 2020 7 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said: I did think in the back of my mind if he still has that link to her surely this will be a push for him to delete her and work on our marriage but he didn’t Where is she actually now? Still miles away or is she back home? Is your husband back at work? Link to post Share on other sites
RebeccaR Posted July 24, 2020 Share Posted July 24, 2020 I feel so sad for you. He should never have agreed to this baby. On the other hand, he was very up front that he didn’t feel a commitment to you, only to your son. He feels trapped and you certainly have a need to keep him around for a little while because of the new baby coming, but it sounds like you two never had a connection and now everyone is trapped. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted July 24, 2020 Author Share Posted July 24, 2020 13 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Where is she actually now? Still miles away or is she back home? Is your husband back at work? Hi, he’s at home with me. She isn’t as far away anymore. I know you have told me in the past that the number would be gone if it were over between them and I do agree with you. I’m just wondering why it’s taking him so long to tell her Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 24, 2020 Share Posted July 24, 2020 2 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said: I’m just wondering why it’s taking him so long to tell her 45 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said: Probably because I’m watching him like a hawk and he’s never by himself to do so. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted July 24, 2020 Author Share Posted July 24, 2020 11 minutes ago, elaine567 said: It takes 30 secs to say I’m sorry my wife is pregnant Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 24, 2020 Share Posted July 24, 2020 Just now, LaurenEliz said: It takes 30 secs to say I’m sorry my wife is pregnant But he then has to deal with the fall out from that. If I were him I would l wait till I got back to work. So "we" could spend hours/days talking about it, if necessary... If he wanted rid of her yes it may take 30secs to deliver the news, but I guess that is not his intention. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted July 24, 2020 Author Share Posted July 24, 2020 7 minutes ago, elaine567 said: But he then has to deal with the fall out from that. If I were him I would l wait till I got back to work. So "we" could spend hours/days talking about it, if necessary... If he wanted rid of her yes it may take 30secs to deliver the news, but I guess that is not his intention. Thank you, I know I frustrate you but you really do make so much sense and I am grateful even though I don’t seem it sometimes, it’s not my intention 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 24, 2020 Share Posted July 24, 2020 1 hour ago, LaurenEliz said: he’s not intouch with her right now. Probably because I’m watching him like a hawk and he’s never by himself to do so. That’s not it. He has said, he wants to wait and talk to her in person. He is biding his time, as you are biding your time... Link to post Share on other sites
Nats_16 Posted July 24, 2020 Share Posted July 24, 2020 He quite possibly feels a little lonely and feels that by keeping her there he has a potential back up plan. It’s almost like the elephant in the room. Only you know in your heart of hearts what the right thing to do for you is x 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted July 24, 2020 Author Share Posted July 24, 2020 2 hours ago, elaine567 said: But he then has to deal with the fall out from that. If I were him I would l wait till I got back to work. So "we" could spend hours/days talking about it, if necessary... If he wanted rid of her yes it may take 30secs to deliver the news, but I guess that is not his intention. I’ve been thinking about this. And it does tie in with him keeping her number and wanting to leave her this voice message. Its because he wants to continue things isn’t it. Otherwise he’d have just sent that 30 sec message and blocked her so he wouldn’t have to deal with it. Does this make sense? This is the most sense I feel I’ve made in a while 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted July 24, 2020 Author Share Posted July 24, 2020 4 hours ago, Nats_16 said: He quite possibly feels a little lonely and feels that by keeping her there he has a potential back up plan. It’s almost like the elephant in the room. Only you know in your heart of hearts what the right thing to do for you is x Thank you. I just feel like if he didn’t want her he’d delete her, am I crazy to think it’s as simple as that? youre right it is an elephant in the room (even though he doesn’t know I know) but it’s obviously weighing on his mind about telling her and I think that’s why I was asking why he doesn’t just send her a text and then it’s done and he can block her so he doesn’t have to deal with the fall out. I think the reason he hasn’t done that is because he doesn’t want to lose her Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted July 24, 2020 Share Posted July 24, 2020 Oh Lauren. This is the most frustrating thread I've ever seen on LS! You literally ask the same questions over and over. You are in such denial, my dear. Just when we think you understand the truth of the situation, you double back and ask the same questions again. What will it take for you to "get it?" Everyone here cares about you, and we know that the sooner you accept the truth, the sooner you can start making choices to take care of your children and yourself. If you stay in this limbo, your anxiety is just going to go through the roof. Not healthy for your baby or you. PLEASE pull your head out of the sand -- FOR YOUR CHILDREN. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted July 24, 2020 Author Share Posted July 24, 2020 13 minutes ago, Crazelnut said: Oh Lauren. This is the most frustrating thread I've ever seen on LS! You literally ask the same questions over and over. You are in such denial, my dear. Just when we think you understand the truth of the situation, you double back and ask the same questions again. What will it take for you to "get it?" Everyone here cares about you, and we know that the sooner you accept the truth, the sooner you can start making choices to take care of your children and yourself. If you stay in this limbo, your anxiety is just going to go through the roof. Not healthy for your baby or you. PLEASE pull your head out of the sand -- FOR YOUR CHILDREN. If you think it’s frustrating for you, think about how it feels for me? I give birth in two weeks. I just need to hold out until then. My heads not in the sand, it’s clear that he still wants her in his life otherwise he’d have deleted her I’ve acknowledged that. I’m just trying to figure out why he hasn’t just done it already. It is obviously weighing on him. It’s a button on a phone to tell her and then just block her and he obviously doesn’t want to do that. Yes he is conflict avoidant which just shows me how much he clearly cares for her because it would be an easy way out to just block her. Then he wouldn’t need to deal with it Link to post Share on other sites
RebeccaR Posted July 24, 2020 Share Posted July 24, 2020 Lauren, there’s nothing to figure out that you haven’t said already. He does not want to dump her. He’s worried she will dump him over the pregnancy. I’m sure you want an intact home for your kids, but is it worth it with him? If you divorce, he can still be an involved dad. Was there some great love story before you married that you didn’t mention? Are you crazy about him or just need the security of a relationship? Because you don’t have the security in this marriage. Wishing you the best. Things won’t change in 2 weeks when you have a newborn, though I understand pregnancy is a particularly vulnerable time. Can your doctor induce you early due to the emotional stress? Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted July 24, 2020 Share Posted July 24, 2020 (edited) It doesn't matter WHY he hasn't told her. You will drive yourself mad trying to analyze every little thing he does. In this case, of course, he's avoiding telling her because he's afraid he'll lose her. How can you not see that? That's what I mean when I say head in the sand. It's so obvious, but you don't see it or refuse to accept it. What are you going to do after you give birth and recover? Are you hoping that he'll fall in love with you and forget about the OW? Because that is the least likely scenario. I'm sorry to say it, but there's no happy ending here, Lauren. Edited July 24, 2020 by Crazelnut 1 Link to post Share on other sites
camillalev Posted July 25, 2020 Share Posted July 25, 2020 (edited) 4 hours ago, LaurenEliz said: I’m just trying to figure out why he hasn’t just done it already. It is obviously weighing on him. It’s a button on a phone to tell her and then just block her and he obviously doesn’t want to do that. Yes he is conflict avoidant which just shows me how much he clearly cares for her because it would be an easy way out to just block her. Then he wouldn’t need to deal with it You know why he hasn’t done it. There’s nothing to ‘figure out’. He doesn’t want to lose her. She is precious to him, she is important to him. He has said things to her that he has never said to you. He told you he’s only there for your child, not for you. You should stop “watching him like a hawk” so you can see what he actually wants to do, not what YOU want him to do. And stop trying to prevent him from doing it so you can convince yourself he doesn’t want to do it. You are desperately trying to artificially force an outcome that would not naturally occur. It’s like swimming against the tide. If he wanted you, if he wanted to stay, you would have to do none of this. It would be no effort on your part. None of this hyper vigilance. He would come to you, naturally. Not only that, he would be happy with you, which he isn’t. sorry to be so incredibly blunt, seems like you need it. Edited July 25, 2020 by camillalev 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Subversa Posted July 26, 2020 Share Posted July 26, 2020 (edited) Hi Lauren first of all I am so sorry you are going through this. Secondly, please keep posting. It still feels like you are focusing on how the bricks stack, in order to avoid facing the building standing infront of you. I get it, you will face the truth when you feel like you are ready to confront it. Please focus on your health and upcoming birth. There will hopefully be a time after birth when you will feel stronger. At that time, go through this thread with a different lens. It will prove useful for sure. Hugs and take care of yourself. Edited July 26, 2020 by Subversa 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Subversa Posted July 26, 2020 Share Posted July 26, 2020 To answer your question, yes, he would delete her number if he wanted her out of his life. Reading through your thread again, it seems as if you have always been aware of her presence in the background. Sometimes on mute, sometimes loud. Would you agree? What would you say is the main factor keeping you from walking away from him? Have you looked into codependency? I apologize if any of my questions hurt. Just trying to help you navigate this. Link to post Share on other sites
curlygirl40 Posted July 30, 2020 Share Posted July 30, 2020 (edited) On 7/24/2020 at 5:27 PM, LaurenEliz said: If you think it’s frustrating for you, think about how it feels for me? I give birth in two weeks. I just need to hold out until then. My heads not in the sand, it’s clear that he still wants her in his life otherwise he’d have deleted her I’ve acknowledged that. I’m just trying to figure out why he hasn’t just done it already. It is obviously weighing on him. It’s a button on a phone to tell her and then just block her and he obviously doesn’t want to do that. Yes he is conflict avoidant which just shows me how much he clearly cares for her because it would be an easy way out to just block her. Then he wouldn’t need to deal with it I will never understand when people (men and women) act like it's the other person in charge of THEIR OWN LIFE. Why does it matter why he hasn't done it already, what his thoughts are, why he's acting this way, why he saved the number, why, why why?? What matters is what you want. Is this really what you want? To be in a relationship with such a coward, an unfaithful man who doesn't value you or your relationship or the family you built? He doesn't get to make that decision, you can make that decision for yourself. I will never understand why people wait around hoping to be chosen. He is not in charge of you, he doesn't get to make all of the decisions. Where is it written that Lauren has to wait around for HIM to decide what he's going to do? YOU get to decide what you are going to do. Yes I understand that you are about to give birth and that you can't make these hard decisions now. But you can start to mentally prepare yourself to take your life back and stop living like a hostage in this situation. Is this what you want to teach your children? Because this isn't over. If she does leave him because he chose to have another child with his wife (gasp), then he will find another woman down the line. He's not loyal. Do yourself a favor and kick this man to the curb and stop waiting around for him to decide how the rest of your life is going to look. Edited July 30, 2020 by curlygirl40 typo 3 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 30, 2020 Share Posted July 30, 2020 (edited) Sure, OP is about to give birth, but hurry it along! Nevermind the baby or the financial situation and needing support with all that - just start divorce proceedings now! Internet folks are morally outraged and need you to dish out "justice" for them. They're getting impatient - so be quick! The diapers will change themselves while you meet with the lawyers. Coparenting a brand new baby when you've just divorced is a cinch, just ask anyone. Makes so much more sense to just do this now, rather than putting it off for a few months, especially since you know they can't meet physically and communication appears to be minimal. So get to it - it's just a new baby. What's wrong with you, OP! SMH Edited July 30, 2020 by mark clemson 2 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted July 30, 2020 Share Posted July 30, 2020 Anyone's who's ever read my posts should know I'm no fan of cheaters or affairs but you know what the only person that should be making a decision about the OP's marriage and whether to divorce or not is the OP - not a bunch of strangers on the internet. OP, it's ok to take a break and relax. You're about to give birth, you should be concentrating on that. Once your baby's here there's plenty time to have multiple conversations with your husband. I'm going to be the voice of discord here, depending on those conversations divorce is not automatic. Your husband may be shocked into reality when he's faced with what he's going to lose. You may find after talking to him that you want to split, who knows. Be prepared for either outcome but for now relax and care for yourself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted July 30, 2020 Share Posted July 30, 2020 I understand the piece about relaxing, but I'm not sure the OP can do that. It sounds like her mind is on that hamster wheel so many BS get stuck on. op, in my experience, the best way to make that stop is to arm yourself with knowledge. Do your research, learn your rights and responsibilities and get yourself to a place where, at least when it comes to practicalities, you will have the information needed to feel like you are master of your own ship. The emotional side is so much harder. I wish it were easier for a BS, but it's usually not. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Prudence V Posted September 23, 2020 Share Posted September 23, 2020 Lauren, have you read this thread? It seems very like your situation, and displays the same narrow fixation on the same small detail (would a WS hold on to their AP’s number if they didn’t intend to use it?). You Might be interested in reading the responses. I hope you’re recovering well after the birth and enjoying your new baby. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted October 2, 2020 Author Share Posted October 2, 2020 (edited) On 9/23/2020 at 12:49 PM, Prudence V said: Lauren, have you read this thread? It seems very like your situation, and displays the same narrow fixation on the same small detail (would a WS hold on to their AP’s number if they didn’t intend to use it?). You Might be interested in reading the responses. I hope you’re recovering well after the birth and enjoying your new baby. Edited October 2, 2020 by LaurenEliz Read incorrectly! Link to post Share on other sites
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