RebeccaR Posted July 24, 2020 Share Posted July 24, 2020 Lauren, there’s nothing to figure out that you haven’t said already. He does not want to dump her. He’s worried she will dump him over the pregnancy. I’m sure you want an intact home for your kids, but is it worth it with him? If you divorce, he can still be an involved dad. Was there some great love story before you married that you didn’t mention? Are you crazy about him or just need the security of a relationship? Because you don’t have the security in this marriage. Wishing you the best. Things won’t change in 2 weeks when you have a newborn, though I understand pregnancy is a particularly vulnerable time. Can your doctor induce you early due to the emotional stress? Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted July 24, 2020 Share Posted July 24, 2020 (edited) It doesn't matter WHY he hasn't told her. You will drive yourself mad trying to analyze every little thing he does. In this case, of course, he's avoiding telling her because he's afraid he'll lose her. How can you not see that? That's what I mean when I say head in the sand. It's so obvious, but you don't see it or refuse to accept it. What are you going to do after you give birth and recover? Are you hoping that he'll fall in love with you and forget about the OW? Because that is the least likely scenario. I'm sorry to say it, but there's no happy ending here, Lauren. Edited July 24, 2020 by Crazelnut 1 Link to post Share on other sites
camillalev Posted July 25, 2020 Share Posted July 25, 2020 (edited) 4 hours ago, LaurenEliz said: I’m just trying to figure out why he hasn’t just done it already. It is obviously weighing on him. It’s a button on a phone to tell her and then just block her and he obviously doesn’t want to do that. Yes he is conflict avoidant which just shows me how much he clearly cares for her because it would be an easy way out to just block her. Then he wouldn’t need to deal with it You know why he hasn’t done it. There’s nothing to ‘figure out’. He doesn’t want to lose her. She is precious to him, she is important to him. He has said things to her that he has never said to you. He told you he’s only there for your child, not for you. You should stop “watching him like a hawk” so you can see what he actually wants to do, not what YOU want him to do. And stop trying to prevent him from doing it so you can convince yourself he doesn’t want to do it. You are desperately trying to artificially force an outcome that would not naturally occur. It’s like swimming against the tide. If he wanted you, if he wanted to stay, you would have to do none of this. It would be no effort on your part. None of this hyper vigilance. He would come to you, naturally. Not only that, he would be happy with you, which he isn’t. sorry to be so incredibly blunt, seems like you need it. Edited July 25, 2020 by camillalev 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Subversa Posted July 26, 2020 Share Posted July 26, 2020 (edited) Hi Lauren first of all I am so sorry you are going through this. Secondly, please keep posting. It still feels like you are focusing on how the bricks stack, in order to avoid facing the building standing infront of you. I get it, you will face the truth when you feel like you are ready to confront it. Please focus on your health and upcoming birth. There will hopefully be a time after birth when you will feel stronger. At that time, go through this thread with a different lens. It will prove useful for sure. Hugs and take care of yourself. Edited July 26, 2020 by Subversa 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Subversa Posted July 26, 2020 Share Posted July 26, 2020 To answer your question, yes, he would delete her number if he wanted her out of his life. Reading through your thread again, it seems as if you have always been aware of her presence in the background. Sometimes on mute, sometimes loud. Would you agree? What would you say is the main factor keeping you from walking away from him? Have you looked into codependency? I apologize if any of my questions hurt. Just trying to help you navigate this. Link to post Share on other sites
curlygirl40 Posted July 30, 2020 Share Posted July 30, 2020 (edited) On 7/24/2020 at 5:27 PM, LaurenEliz said: If you think it’s frustrating for you, think about how it feels for me? I give birth in two weeks. I just need to hold out until then. My heads not in the sand, it’s clear that he still wants her in his life otherwise he’d have deleted her I’ve acknowledged that. I’m just trying to figure out why he hasn’t just done it already. It is obviously weighing on him. It’s a button on a phone to tell her and then just block her and he obviously doesn’t want to do that. Yes he is conflict avoidant which just shows me how much he clearly cares for her because it would be an easy way out to just block her. Then he wouldn’t need to deal with it I will never understand when people (men and women) act like it's the other person in charge of THEIR OWN LIFE. Why does it matter why he hasn't done it already, what his thoughts are, why he's acting this way, why he saved the number, why, why why?? What matters is what you want. Is this really what you want? To be in a relationship with such a coward, an unfaithful man who doesn't value you or your relationship or the family you built? He doesn't get to make that decision, you can make that decision for yourself. I will never understand why people wait around hoping to be chosen. He is not in charge of you, he doesn't get to make all of the decisions. Where is it written that Lauren has to wait around for HIM to decide what he's going to do? YOU get to decide what you are going to do. Yes I understand that you are about to give birth and that you can't make these hard decisions now. But you can start to mentally prepare yourself to take your life back and stop living like a hostage in this situation. Is this what you want to teach your children? Because this isn't over. If she does leave him because he chose to have another child with his wife (gasp), then he will find another woman down the line. He's not loyal. Do yourself a favor and kick this man to the curb and stop waiting around for him to decide how the rest of your life is going to look. Edited July 30, 2020 by curlygirl40 typo 3 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 30, 2020 Share Posted July 30, 2020 (edited) Sure, OP is about to give birth, but hurry it along! Nevermind the baby or the financial situation and needing support with all that - just start divorce proceedings now! Internet folks are morally outraged and need you to dish out "justice" for them. They're getting impatient - so be quick! The diapers will change themselves while you meet with the lawyers. Coparenting a brand new baby when you've just divorced is a cinch, just ask anyone. Makes so much more sense to just do this now, rather than putting it off for a few months, especially since you know they can't meet physically and communication appears to be minimal. So get to it - it's just a new baby. What's wrong with you, OP! SMH Edited July 30, 2020 by mark clemson 2 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted July 30, 2020 Share Posted July 30, 2020 Anyone's who's ever read my posts should know I'm no fan of cheaters or affairs but you know what the only person that should be making a decision about the OP's marriage and whether to divorce or not is the OP - not a bunch of strangers on the internet. OP, it's ok to take a break and relax. You're about to give birth, you should be concentrating on that. Once your baby's here there's plenty time to have multiple conversations with your husband. I'm going to be the voice of discord here, depending on those conversations divorce is not automatic. Your husband may be shocked into reality when he's faced with what he's going to lose. You may find after talking to him that you want to split, who knows. Be prepared for either outcome but for now relax and care for yourself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted July 30, 2020 Share Posted July 30, 2020 I understand the piece about relaxing, but I'm not sure the OP can do that. It sounds like her mind is on that hamster wheel so many BS get stuck on. op, in my experience, the best way to make that stop is to arm yourself with knowledge. Do your research, learn your rights and responsibilities and get yourself to a place where, at least when it comes to practicalities, you will have the information needed to feel like you are master of your own ship. The emotional side is so much harder. I wish it were easier for a BS, but it's usually not. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Prudence V Posted September 23, 2020 Share Posted September 23, 2020 Lauren, have you read this thread? It seems very like your situation, and displays the same narrow fixation on the same small detail (would a WS hold on to their AP’s number if they didn’t intend to use it?). You Might be interested in reading the responses. I hope you’re recovering well after the birth and enjoying your new baby. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted October 2, 2020 Author Share Posted October 2, 2020 (edited) On 9/23/2020 at 12:49 PM, Prudence V said: Lauren, have you read this thread? It seems very like your situation, and displays the same narrow fixation on the same small detail (would a WS hold on to their AP’s number if they didn’t intend to use it?). You Might be interested in reading the responses. I hope you’re recovering well after the birth and enjoying your new baby. Edited October 2, 2020 by LaurenEliz Read incorrectly! Link to post Share on other sites
Bonifidelifelover Posted October 9, 2020 Share Posted October 9, 2020 On 6/17/2020 at 8:18 AM, LaurenEliz said: Would you say even if they gave stopped speaking (for now) he’s kept the number to re initiate? I know there’s no way you could know, I’m really just trying to explore every avenue as to why he’d have that number My feeling is he keeps the # due to attachment to her. She’s filled some type of void. Or satisfies a need in some form (not necessarily sex), and he doesn’t want to lose it. May I ask is the number in his phone under her actual name?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted October 10, 2020 Author Share Posted October 10, 2020 15 hours ago, AngelinaCassy said: My feeling is he keeps the # due to attachment to her. She’s filled some type of void. Or satisfies a need in some form (not necessarily sex), and he doesn’t want to lose it. May I ask is the number in his phone under her actual name?? Hi, no it’s hidden under a different name which to me makes things worse! Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted October 11, 2020 Share Posted October 11, 2020 So Lauren, have you actually DONE anything about this ongoing disrespect? Or are you still emotionally flailing around while allowing him to continue to disrespect you and the marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted October 11, 2020 Author Share Posted October 11, 2020 5 hours ago, Crazelnut said: So Lauren, have you actually DONE anything about this ongoing disrespect? Or are you still emotionally flailing around while allowing him to continue to disrespect you and the marriage? Emotionally flailing? I actually have given birth and have been concentrating on my two children. I was thinking about updating but can’t because if comments like yours. Thanks again! Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 11, 2020 Share Posted October 11, 2020 On 10/10/2020 at 10:46 AM, LaurenEliz said: Hi, no it’s hidden under a different name which to me makes things worse! I agree. I know a man right now who is hiding his new gf's number under a different name in his phone so his current gf who he has 4 kids with won't find out. He says he's in love with this OW. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted October 11, 2020 Author Share Posted October 11, 2020 27 minutes ago, stillafool said: I agree. I know a man right now who is hiding his new gf's number under a different name in his phone so his current gf who he has 4 kids with won't find out. He says he's in love with this OW. Exactly. To me, the number shouldn’t even be there if he was committed to our marriage and the fact he has hidden under a different name shows there is some sort of strong emotional attachment. I’m not sure how much of my story you have read but my h has gotten in contact again and still has not told her. I can’t work out whether he is working his way up to it or not. I just don’t understand why he doesn’t just get it over with and tell her Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 11, 2020 Share Posted October 11, 2020 No I'm sorry I have not read your entire thread but just caught a glimpse at your post mentioning hiding her number under a different name. What is your husband supposed to tell this woman? Link to post Share on other sites
Bonifidelifelover Posted October 12, 2020 Share Posted October 12, 2020 On 10/10/2020 at 7:46 AM, LaurenEliz said: Hi, no it’s hidden under a different name which to me makes things worse! Oh no ok, that’s not good! Then that means he put it that way for “safe keeping” I’m sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
Bonifidelifelover Posted October 12, 2020 Share Posted October 12, 2020 9 hours ago, LaurenEliz said: Exactly. To me, the number shouldn’t even be there if he was committed to our marriage and the fact he has hidden under a different name shows there is some sort of strong emotional attachment. I’m not sure how much of my story you have read but my h has gotten in contact again and still has not told her. I can’t work out whether he is working his way up to it or not. I just don’t understand why he doesn’t just get it over with and tell her Well he’s maybe not in current contact with her but he has the number stored that way to be deceitful & use it if he needs to at some point. Clearly he hasn’t let her go Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted October 12, 2020 Author Share Posted October 12, 2020 3 hours ago, AngelinaCassy said: Well he’s maybe not in current contact with her but he has the number stored that way to be deceitful & use it if he needs to at some point. Clearly he hasn’t let her go Hi, He was in contact with her less than a week ago, a little nervous to do an update because I can’t be bothered hearing you need to tell her or you need to tell him etc. It’s not that easy. But basically from the messages I saw she still has no idea and he hasn’t told her. I’m trying to work our now whether he just can’t be bothered telling her or he’s worked out that it’s too much of a risk to lose her by not telling her! 3 hours ago, AngelinaCassy said: Well he’s maybe not in current contact with her but he has the number stored that way to be deceitful & use it if he needs to at some point. Clearly he hasn’t let her go Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 12, 2020 Share Posted October 12, 2020 11 hours ago, LaurenEliz said: I’m trying to work our now whether he just can’t be bothered telling her or he’s worked out that it’s too much of a risk to lose her by not telling her! Not sure, but it's perhaps worth pointing out that either way he's deceiving both of you. So in that sense, it doesn't matter THAT much which is the case - a nuance to the situation IMO. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted October 12, 2020 Author Share Posted October 12, 2020 33 minutes ago, mark clemson said: Not sure, but it's perhaps worth pointing out that either way he's deceiving both of you. So in that sense, it doesn't matter THAT much which is the case - a nuance to the situation IMO. Hi Mark, nice to see you. Yes I get what you’re saying but obviously there’s some sort of reason he hasn’t told her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bonifidelifelover Posted October 12, 2020 Share Posted October 12, 2020 Girl u are too nice! If I were u I’d be going to that chicks house! But that’s me! But then I’d be like mf’r u can leave rn! im sorry tho. I have no room to talk tho. I’m not an OW but yeah... im sorry I hope it all turns out well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted October 12, 2020 Share Posted October 12, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, mark clemson said: Not sure, but it's perhaps worth pointing out that either way he's deceiving both of you. So in that sense, it doesn't matter THAT much which is the case - a nuance to the situation IMO. Lauren, this and your response are what I mean by flailing around. You are intentionally focusing on the wrong thing, to avoid having to deal with the real problem -- your husband and father of your children is in love with another woman. I totally get that you have a newborn, but sooner or later you're going to have to deal with it. The longer you drag it out, the worse it will be. Or are you content to live your life this way? That isn't a facetious question. Are you ok living your life knowing he's into her, lying to you? Edited October 12, 2020 by Crazelnut Link to post Share on other sites
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