Amethyst68 Posted November 17, 2020 Share Posted November 17, 2020 I don't think the number not being deleted is as significant as you're making it out to be. Your husband doesn't know you're aware he's in contact with the OW so why would he get rid of her number. Even if he did stop talking to her it probably wouldn't occur to him to delete it. As for your other point, 3 weeks is nothing timewise. The OW may have let him know not to contact her because she's going to be with her family more due to renewed lockdown or some other factor. They may have moved their contact to another method of messaging, something more secret. Link to post Share on other sites
RebeccaR Posted November 17, 2020 Share Posted November 17, 2020 Lauren, I think you need to get IC to deal with your feelings around your marriage. This is not a happy marriage destroyed by an affair (although he is 100% in the wrong). You were never on the same page about marriage, you were never on the same page about kids. The fact that your marriage has failed doesn’t make you a failure, but you need tools to deal with that. You have enough on your plate with 2 babies - you can’t go chasing after your husband’s phone 24/7 checking if they’re in touch. He will never be a devoted or even reliable husband to you, sorry to say. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted November 17, 2020 Share Posted November 17, 2020 26 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said: I’m not hoping for a different answer. I’m more than aware that whilst that number is still in his phone he’s not committed to our marriage - it’s just a difficult thing to say outloud. Yes part of me was hoping maybe this break in contact was the end. But by the looks of things if it was the end he would have deleted her. So he’s just laying low. And he still hasn’t told her about the fact he now has another baby It’s just terrible, Lauren. He has a new baby. Such a terrible thing to do. I am very sorry this happened to you 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted November 18, 2020 Author Share Posted November 18, 2020 21 minutes ago, Amethyst68 said: I don't think the number not being deleted is as significant as you're making it out to be. Your husband doesn't know you're aware he's in contact with the OW so why would he get rid of her number. Even if he did stop talking to her it probably wouldn't occur to him to delete it. As for your other point, 3 weeks is nothing timewise. The OW may have let him know not to contact her because she's going to be with her family more due to renewed lockdown or some other factor. They may have moved their contact to another method of messaging, something more secret. Agree with your time wise comment but disagree about it not occurring to him to delete it. According to him, he thinks i think it was deleted three years ago. he’d get rid of it if he was committed to our marriage. See, i do listen to what people say on here. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted November 18, 2020 Share Posted November 18, 2020 6 hours ago, LaurenEliz said: They haven’t been in contact for three weeks. Which I know isn’t a long time but that’s why I’m asking on here whether he is just lying low or it’s over He kept it the last time to contact her. He still has it for the same reason. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted November 18, 2020 Share Posted November 18, 2020 Lauren Eliz can you quickly give some context for people who did not get to see your first thread. Did you tell him to delete the #? Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted November 18, 2020 Share Posted November 18, 2020 For those pushing Lauren to "deal with this now" I'd just remind all that she has a baby who's only a few months old to deal with. That's why she's waited thus far and IMO it's reasonable to wait even longer OR to not wait, depending on how she feels. At the risk of stating something that should be incredibly obvious, the prospect of dealing with a new baby on your own is NOT something to be taken lightly. Your vicarious moral outrage is NOT a reason for her to "hurry things up" unless she feels the need to do so. I do think Lauren is on the verge of action, but I don't think a reasonable person would blame her for postponing further in these circumstances. Comparisons to Edith are so extremely premature it's ridiculous IMO. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
RebeccaR Posted November 18, 2020 Share Posted November 18, 2020 She is “sleeping with one eye open” in order to try and catch him or stop him from contacting the OW. She is not caring for the baby while also planning a future without her husband. She is hoping that he somehow will stop wanting the OW and start wanting her, when he never wanted to get married in the first place and certainly never wanted a second child (which she knew). She needs to mentally start moving forward even if she is physically and financially still going to be with her husband for a while. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted November 18, 2020 Share Posted November 18, 2020 3 minutes ago, mark clemson said: the prospect of dealing with a new baby on your own is NOT something to be taken lightly. Good point. The action to be taken right now is probably setting up a consultation with an attorney and getting an idea of what her financial situation might look like if she eventually decides to divorce. Of course it's not all about the money, but financial security and stability goes a long way toward peace of mind. Having a co-parent in the home with you is great, but the anxiety over what's really going with her husband might pretty much erase any benefit it provides. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted November 18, 2020 Share Posted November 18, 2020 Have you considered marriage therapy? Adjusting to a new baby on top of the general lack of communication and trust can slowly but surely erode things. Number or no number, your marriage is in peril. Focus on that. Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted November 18, 2020 Share Posted November 18, 2020 I dont remember, but did he put her under another contact or is she listed still as herself? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted November 18, 2020 Share Posted November 18, 2020 At some level, it seems you know the number thing is just a symptom of long standing unaddressed marital problems. Rather than passivity monitoring his phone, start with individual counseling and then marriage counseling to address the underlying issues. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted November 18, 2020 Author Share Posted November 18, 2020 Thanks everyone for your comments. It was a simple thing I asked your opinion on is he laying low and that’s why he’s kept her there or is it done and he doesn’t care if her number is there or not. instead I get told about my marriage problems (yes clearly my marriage is in peril) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted November 18, 2020 Author Share Posted November 18, 2020 42 minutes ago, Starswillshine said: I dont remember, but did he put her under another contact or is she listed still as herself? Under a mans name. But it’s on whatsapp so the photo is of her Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted November 18, 2020 Author Share Posted November 18, 2020 9 hours ago, mark clemson said: For those pushing Lauren to "deal with this now" I'd just remind all that she has a baby who's only a few months old to deal with. That's why she's waited thus far and IMO it's reasonable to wait even longer OR to not wait, depending on how she feels. At the risk of stating something that should be incredibly obvious, the prospect of dealing with a new baby on your own is NOT something to be taken lightly. Your vicarious moral outrage is NOT a reason for her to "hurry things up" unless she feels the need to do so. I do think Lauren is on the verge of action, but I don't think a reasonable person would blame her for postponing further in these circumstances. Comparisons to Edith are so extremely premature it's ridiculous IMO. Thank you 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted November 18, 2020 Share Posted November 18, 2020 4 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said: Under a mans name. But it’s on whatsapp so the photo is of her Having kept it but changed the name to a man's name is NOT a good sign. In this case, it was definitely not a case of he didn't think about deleting it or it slipped his mind, etc. There is obvious intention to keep it and hide it from you. Their lack of contact over the last 3 weeks does not mean too much. Affairs are very hot and cold. Who knows what could have transpired between them. How are you certain she does not know about the baby? Maybe she found out? And is mad? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted November 18, 2020 Share Posted November 18, 2020 26 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said: Thanks everyone for your comments. It was a simple thing I asked your opinion on is he laying low and that’s why he’s kept her there or is it done and he doesn’t care if her number is there or not. The thing is, we can't answer that question. Only your husband can. Thus, we really can't provide any more insight that we did on your previous thread. Until you feel ready to bring this up with him, you can really only get used to the idea that he's got another woman in his life. This isn't going to go away on its own, because even if she disappears, he will probably find another one to replace her. He isn't happy in your marriage and you two don't appear to have ever been on the same page about it, so he will likely continue to seek out other women to get his fix (so to speak) Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted November 18, 2020 Author Share Posted November 18, 2020 10 minutes ago, Starswillshine said: Having kept it but changed the name to a man's name is NOT a good sign. In this case, it was definitely not a case of he didn't think about deleting it or it slipped his mind, etc. There is obvious intention to keep it and hide it from you. Their lack of contact over the last 3 weeks does not mean too much. Affairs are very hot and cold. Who knows what could have transpired between them. How are you certain she does not know about the baby? Maybe she found out? And is mad? I saw the messages. It was all sweet and flirty. do you think it’s too far fetched to think he’s realised that if he does want to actually keep this person in his life he’s probably going to need to come clean about the fact we’ve had another baby and he’s gone quiet while figuring out to do that? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted November 18, 2020 Share Posted November 18, 2020 (edited) How long have they had this affair? Does she know he's married? Is she married also? Do they still run into each other for work? Edited November 18, 2020 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted November 18, 2020 Author Share Posted November 18, 2020 3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: How long have they had this affair? Does she know he's married? Is she married also? Do they still run into each other for work? I first saw the messages in dec 2017. That’s when I caught him and confronted him. she knows he’s married, she’s single as far as I can gather. no they dont, she met him on a project but they work for completely different companies Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted November 18, 2020 Share Posted November 18, 2020 1 hour ago, LaurenEliz said: Under a mans name. But it’s on whatsapp so the photo is of her Whoa, okay that makes so much more sense. Thanks. So he is intentionally covering up that he has her number. More evidence he still wants to continue the affair. If it was nothing he wouldn’t have to hide it. And he doesn’t care if the number’s there?! Wow. This is much worse than just an affair 😔 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted November 18, 2020 Author Share Posted November 18, 2020 1 minute ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: Whoa, okay that makes so much more sense. Thanks. So he is intentionally covering up that he has her number. More evidence he still wants to continue the affair. If it was nothing he wouldn’t have to hide it. And he doesn’t care if the number’s there?! Wow. This is much worse than just an affair 😔 It’s me that was asking if he just doesn’t care if the numbers there or not. He’s never said that. But yes, I think it’s more than affair. The long version of my whole story is in my original thread but don’t know how to copy it but basically I found messages to this woman on his phone when we were pregnant with our first. Not an easy pregnancy and one of the messages from her to him even said if you have another baby then I’m done (I was pregnant before he met her). anyway called him out on the messages he ‘deleted her’ or so I thought baby was born in 2018 marriage hadn’t been great since and then I started pressuring him for another because I thought maybe it would make things better. I pushed until I got my way I hold my hands up to that. he has had her number the whole time, recently found messages after a couple of months of them not speaking, and he didn’t mention the fact I was pregnant. just had our second and the number is still there. He’s obviously scared of telling her and that’s why he hasn’t incase she does leave otherwise it’s a button on a phone he could just block her? sorry if I haven’t been open or anything about my story it’s just I’ve got a lot on my mind and I’m wondering if it was done for good between them would he get rid of everything to do with her (ie the link to her, the number) Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted November 18, 2020 Share Posted November 18, 2020 27 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said: I’m wondering if it was done for good between them would he get rid of everything to do with her (ie the link to her, the number) Yes. Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted November 18, 2020 Share Posted November 18, 2020 The reason people are pushing her to do or say something is exactly because of her current state. This mess with her husband is driving her bonkers. It is unhealthy. Dealing with it won't make her mental & emotional state bad -- it already IS bad. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted November 18, 2020 Author Share Posted November 18, 2020 19 minutes ago, Crazelnut said: The reason people are pushing her to do or say something is exactly because of her current state. This mess with her husband is driving her bonkers. It is unhealthy. Dealing with it won't make her mental & emotional state bad -- it already IS bad. Yes I’m aware of this. Do you think it’s possible that he knows he is going to have to come clean about the fact we have had another baby and he is figuring out how to do this? I’m struggling to understand why he hasn’t just told her Link to post Share on other sites
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