Husband kept OW number

[Starswillshine]

16 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said:

Yes I’m aware of this. Do you think it’s possible that he knows he is going to have to come clean about the fact we have had another baby and he is figuring out how to do this? I’m struggling to understand why he hasn’t just told her 

He hasn't told her because he knows she will be mad. If she is mad, who knows what could happen. She could blow up his/your life. And he will lose her. And you. It is possible that he is letting things fizzle out between them so she doesn't blow up his world, but who truly knows. 

[LaurenEliz]

39 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

He hasn't told her because he knows she will be mad. If she is mad, who knows what could happen. She could blow up his/your life. And he will lose her. And you. It is possible that he is letting things fizzle out between them so she doesn't blow up his world, but who truly knows. 

I admit part of me was hoping he’s just letting it ‘fizzle out’ but why prolong it if that was really the case?

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, Crazelnut said:

The reason people are pushing her to do or say something is exactly because of her current state. It is unhealthy. Dealing with it won't make her mental & emotional state bad -- it already IS bad. 

That is completely a fair point. It's just balancing that against the many immediate and constant practical concerns of raising an infant and the prospect of doing so alone. No one is suggesting she put up with this remaining unresolved forever. In a way it's good we have Edith around as an object lesson in what theoretically might happen if this were allowed to go on indefinitely.

[Starswillshine]

11 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said:

I admit part of me was hoping he’s just letting it ‘fizzle out’ but why prolong it if that was really the case?

First, I dont want to get your hopes up that this is the case. It may not be. Who knows what is actually going on. 

But if we are working on the theory that he is letting it fizz out slowly... because she holds A LOT of power. She could ruin him, and he might be scared of that. Let it slowly fade away so her feelings aren't hurt and she is not wanting revenge. People find themselves in this situation and unsure how to get out without it blowing up in their faces. That isn't to say this is what is going on. She could just be unreachable for now. Who knows. 

[LaurenEliz]

3 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

First, I dont want to get your hopes up that this is the case. It may not be. Who knows what is actually going on. 

But if we are working on the theory that he is letting it fizz out slowly... because she holds A LOT of power. She could ruin him, and he might be scared of that. Let it slowly fade away so her feelings aren't hurt and she is not wanting revenge. People find themselves in this situation and unsure how to get out without it blowing up in their faces. That isn't to say this is what is going on. She could just be unreachable for now. Who knows. 

It’s ok. I know this isn’t the case. He knows as well as I do there’s a button on a phone to just get rid of her and he’s made the conscious decision not to do that. 
plus judging by the last messages I saw from him to her and I’m not going to go into detail but one of them said how happy he was she was in his life 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, LaurenEliz said:

I admit part of me was hoping he’s just letting it ‘fizzle out’ but why prolong it if that was really the case?

That's not what's happening here, no. 

And it wouldn't benefit you much, anyway. 

[RebeccaR]

She lives far away apparently (many hours). They don’t have many contacts in common. There’s no sign that she would or could “ruin” him - rather, she just said it would be over if they had another baby. That’s exactly why he doesn’t want to tell her - because he doesn’t want it to be over.

Look, yes there is a chance he’s letting it fizzle and he’s trying to let her down easy. But if this is the case, Lauren would be seeing other changes in his behavior. Is he kinder to her, more attentive, more amorous? Or is he still leaving for long unexplained walks and outings where he’s presumably phoning and texting his girlfriend?

I can’t imagine why Lauren doesn’t just ask him what’s going on with the girlfriend, since he has been caught before and “almost caught” a few weeks ago (I’m still curious about that incident).

[LaurenEliz]

4 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

She lives far away apparently (many hours). They don’t have many contacts in common. There’s no sign that she would or could “ruin” him - rather, she just said it would be over if they had another baby. That’s exactly why he doesn’t want to tell her - because he doesn’t want it to be over.

Look, yes there is a chance he’s letting it fizzle and he’s trying to let her down easy. But if this is the case, Lauren would be seeing other changes in his behavior. Is he kinder to her, more attentive, more amorous? Or is he still leaving for long unexplained walks and outings where he’s presumably phoning and texting his girlfriend?

I can’t imagine why Lauren doesn’t just ask him what’s going on with the girlfriend, since he has been caught before and “almost caught” a few weeks ago (I’m still curious about that incident).

If he was trying to let her down easy then he could still delete her contact details, how would she know he’s done it? I know it’s not that. 
 

there’s not much to be curious about, he knows I watch when he’s ‘online’ on whatsapp and if he isn’t in a convo with me I question it. He was ‘online’ clearly having a convo with someone (her judging by his reaction when I called him out, he got really defensive). 
 

They have no contacts in common apart from a manager of the project so I know it’s not about it fizzing our. A small naive part of me thought maybe it was but technology makes things so easy these days, one press of a button and she’d be gone. 
 

I do believe he’s worrying about telling her. 

[Starswillshine]

21 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

She lives far away apparently (many hours). They don’t have many contacts in common. There’s no sign that she would or could “ruin” him - rather, she just said it would be over if they had another baby. That’s exactly why he doesn’t want to tell her - because he doesn’t want it to be over.

Look, yes there is a chance he’s letting it fizzle and he’s trying to let her down easy. But if this is the case, Lauren would be seeing other changes in his behavior. Is he kinder to her, more attentive, more amorous? Or is he still leaving for long unexplained walks and outings where he’s presumably phoning and texting his girlfriend?

 

Being far away and having no contacts in common does not mean she cannot blow up his world. Ask me how I know? 

Lauren, do you have any social media accounts? I'm sure she knows your name and can look you up? Do you have any pictures of the new baby there where she could see? 

[RebeccaR]

It just struck me that this thread is a good response to OWs who wonder why “he suddenly went cold on me”. Well, “my wife is watching me like a hawk and I’m also busy with the new baby” might very well be the truthful answer 

[LaurenEliz]

10 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

It just struck me that this thread is a good response to OWs who wonder why “he suddenly went cold on me”. Well, “my wife is watching me like a hawk and I’m also busy with the new baby” might very well be the truthful answer 

I do watch him. I check when he’s online, I know it’s not healthy but if I see he’s online and it’s not me he’s been speaking to I quiz him

[RebeccaR]

You watch him, but even when you know he’s been communicating with her, you don’t say anything to him. You will drive yourself insane trying to PREVENT him from communicating with her, which is actually your goal. I’m really worried about you. I’m sure you don’t get much sleep from trying prevent his affair from continuing in addition to caring for the baby. This situation isn’t sustainable and just wishing it away isn’t going to work.

[spiritedaway2003]

You just had a baby so I understand you're protective of your family.  But you're asking the wrong question. 

Yes, he kept the number, but number doesn't mean anything if he's not calling it.  He could just as easily delete it and write the number on a piece of paper where you can't find it.  The phone number itself is immaterial.  His linking her number to to a different name is not a good sign -- it indicates his intent to conceal.  Whether he chooses to tell the OW about the baby isn't critical.  Maybe she's done with him.  Maybe he's done with her. Maybe it's neither.   The most probable answer is likely somewhere in between.  It's a link to her, and he doesn't want to lose it should he need to reach out to her in the future.  Does it matter still to you if he's not calling?

If you're not going to talk to him about it or if you're not quite ready, then you need to adjust your thinking.  The obsession isn't healthy for you long term.

1. Even though you admitted that it wasn't the best marriage, he still "chose" to be with you, at least in presence.  He also "chose" to have a second child (even though it was more your wants than his).  Maybe this is his way of making an effort towards the marriage or family, especially if he's making the effort to go NC.  If he's truly unhappy, he might eventually break under the weight of scrutiny just as you yourself might in time.  It almost seems you're both trying to figure out how much you can tolerate.  Given your repeated questions about the importance of the phone number, you're clearly bothered by it. 

2. Also understand that you have no control over what people do.  This is true for everyone, including that of your husband.   You CANNOT prevent him from contacting anyone he wants to - you will drive yourself mad this way.  Understand that the only control you really have is what YOU do and how you respond to the situation.  That is why advice here to you is push you to think about the longer term.  If his having her number something you can tolerate, then what would you do? 

This is not to say that your marriage is doomed.  By your own admission, it didn't sound like it was a great marriage, but perhaps this might the tipping point when you can both move into marriage counseling and figure out if the marriage can be saved.  Please don't obsess on the phone number.  Whether he kept the number or whether OW knowing you had a baby or not doesn't materially change the situation you need to face regardless.  And that is the state of your own marriage. 

Edited November 19, 2020 by spiritedaway2003

[LaurenEliz]

4 hours ago, spiritedaway2003 said:

You just had a baby so I understand you're protective of your family.  But you're asking the wrong question. 

Yes, he kept the number, but number doesn't mean anything if he's not calling it.  He could just as easily delete it and write the number on a piece of paper where you can't find it.  The phone number itself is immaterial.  His linking her number to to a different name is not a good sign -- it indicates his intent to conceal.  Whether he chooses to tell the OW about the baby isn't critical.  Maybe she's done with him.  Maybe he's done with her. Maybe it's neither.   The most probable answer is likely somewhere in between.  It's a link to her, and he doesn't want to lose it should he need to reach out to her in the future.  Does it matter still to you if he's not calling?

If you're not going to talk to him about it or if you're not quite ready, then you need to adjust your thinking.  The obsession isn't healthy for you long term.

1. Even though you admitted that it wasn't the best marriage, he still "chose" to be with you, at least in presence.  He also "chose" to have a second child (even though it was more your wants than his).  Maybe this is his way of making an effort towards the marriage or family, especially if he's making the effort to go NC.  If he's truly unhappy, he might eventually break under the weight of scrutiny just as you yourself might in time.  It almost seems you're both trying to figure out how much you can tolerate.  Given your repeated questions about the importance of the phone number, you're clearly bothered by it. 

2. Also understand that you have no control over what people do.  This is true for everyone, including that of your husband.   You CANNOT prevent him from contacting anyone he wants to - you will drive yourself mad this way.  Understand that the only control you really have is what YOU do and how you respond to the situation.  That is why advice here to you is push you to think about the longer term.  If his having her number something you can tolerate, then what would you do? 

This is not to say that your marriage is doomed.  By your own admission, it didn't sound like it was a great marriage, but perhaps this might the tipping point when you can both move into marriage counseling and figure out if the marriage can be saved.  Please don't obsess on the phone number.  Whether he kept the number or whether OW knowing you had a baby or not doesn't materially change the situation you need to face regardless.  And that is the state of your own marriage. 

Thank you for your thoughtful answer. But I wish you and others would understand and stop telling me that the number doesn’t mean anything. It does. I don’t see that number as numbers on a phone. It’s a direct link to her. It’s also something that according to him I. His mind, I think was deleted a long time ago.  
And yes it means something even if he isn’t calling it because why else would he have it? As I have said before it would make his life (and mine) easier to delete it so the fact he keeps it there tells me an awful lot. 

[Wiseman2]

What if he deletes the number but uses one of the plethora of other social media and messaging apps to stay connected to her?

Chasing this number on this app and interrogating him every time he's active on WhatsApp hasn't allayed your fears that they have or haven't ended thier affair.

What if it's not her he's talking to but someone else now? 

You seem to be playing whack a mole with your suspicions. You seem to think the deletion or retention of a particular number on a particular app, means their affair is or is not continuing.

What you don't know is who he's talking to and on which of a thousand other messaging platforms that may be on.

All you really know is when he's logging in to WhatsApp.

[Nats_16]

Lauren, I am sorry you are still going through this. You are going to literally send yourself into some mental breakdown if you haven’t already by doing this. I would suggest confronting him, telling him how you feel about him having her number and go from there. At the moment it’s all guess work and you need to hear his side to get a better judgement. If his side adds up then accept it, draw a line and move on, if on the other hand it doesn’t then you need to do what’s best for you and you’d babies, which I think is what scares you the most. The best and the hardest decisions are usually the same. Sending you hugs x

[VD01]

If you confronted him about it, the first time you found out and he still keep it then yes that's no good.

Because you are his wife, the first thing he would do or any MM would do after getting caught is to delete every way to contact the OW. It is normal to feel anxious after seeing her number.

I was an OW and seeing the MM text someone else and keep them still even after confronting him about it is already enough to make me lose my mind what more for you?

He may still be chatting with her using other apps, he may be using Skype to chat with her or any other others which doesn't need her phone number.

It is possible that he is keeping her number "just in case" she started messaging him again and when just when the situation is okay for him. 

Or he may be talk to someone else.... a new EAP

 

If I were you, I  will text the number and ask her if she is still talking to your husband (in a very calm and respectful way just in case she is not talking to him or will deny it) whether she denies it or not, let her know that you are having another baby.

"Sorry, I  was just wondering because I am currently pregnant and just wanted to be sure nothing is going on"

Edited December 18, 2020 by VD01

[Narie]

On 11/19/2020 at 4:41 AM, LaurenEliz said:

I do watch him. I check when he’s online, I know it’s not healthy but if I see he’s online and it’s not me he’s been speaking to I quiz him

Reading this reminds me of my situation with my husband. I noticed him being so active on his phone, looking so happy and when I looked in his eyes I just know that’s the eyes of someone in love.

I downloaded whatsapp and saw him there online A LOT. Even when I am around... I confronted him about it and he lied but he refused to show me his whatsapp contacts.

Eventually I fell into depression and obsession of spying on him. I kept my whatsapp open to see how many times he will be online. There was a time I even took notes of the timeline that he was online.

Eventually I also found out he made a Skype account just for her.

I left our house in hope that he will choose me. He will stop talking to her. Because he knows how much it’s driving me nuts but even after all of my begging, even after sending him countless messages on how hurt I am. He just kept on denying.

Me leaving him and doing NC countless if times just made then closer. If back then he will text me first thing in the morning, he ended up talking to her first before contacting me.

I just knew it’s over. We have a child so...it was difficult and I can understand that it will drive you nuts.

My only regret is not finding out about it early. But I think even if I did, the situation will still be the same.

Please do confront your husband about it. Tell him it’s driving you insane and it’s not healthy for you and the baby. Or better yet, save the woman’s number and talk to her. If your husband gets angry about it, then it’s over.

It’s a relationship where you will suffer and just waste your time.

Edited December 18, 2020 by Narie

[petee]

Lauren, you seem paralysed to act. Is it an option to get at the number and alter a couple of the digits, then add the real number as someone else then block it?

You don't seem to want to do the hard bit like confront, which is fine, but don't let a weak husband betray you in any fashion. You deserve better than that.