Husband kept OW number

[BaileyB]

1 minute ago, LaurenEliz said:

No he apologised for not talking to her ‘in months’ this is their first contact. He said to her he had tried to call her a couple of times 

Meaning, he still wants her.

[LaurenEliz]

18 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Meaning, he still wants her.

Yes I probably should have realised that he still wanted her with the fact he kept her number. He left the convo quite abruptly, I wonder if he will try again 

[Nats_16]

This is typical OM behaviour. Once the dust settles he contacts her again to see if she is open to an affair. He is a classic cake eater in my opinion. Wants the comfort of home life but also side excitement. He is not fully committed to either of you. Its also quite possible she is not interested after she learned he was a player the first time. The fact he initiated the contact and said he had tried calling, she obviously did not want to talk to him. Emotional affairs develop strong friendships and sometimes it’s that that is hard to let go of.

[LaurenEliz]

4 minutes ago, Nats_16 said:

This is typical OM behaviour. Once the dust settles he contacts her again to see if she is open to an affair. He is a classic cake eater in my opinion. Wants the comfort of home life but also side excitement. He is not fully committed to either of you. Its also quite possible she is not interested after she learned he was a player the first time. The fact he initiated the contact and said he had tried calling, she obviously did not want to talk to him. Emotional affairs develop strong friendships and sometimes it’s that that is hard to let go of.

No she was being flirty back and very apologetic about missing his calls. She wanted to speak to him from what I could see. They were in the middle of a convo and he left

[Nats_16]

I would guess if she wanted to speak to him she would have got in contact with him rather than the other way around. I think that you will be willing to turn a blind eye in order to keep your family intact.

[Crazelnut]

Yep, I don't see the OP standing up to him. I suspect she'll ignore it and never bring it up to him. I hope I'm wrong because this is one marriage that never should've happened, much less plod on through (at a minimum) emotional infidelity. 

Edited June 24, 2020 by Crazelnut

[LaurenEliz]

Do you think he will contact her again?

[Crazelnut]

2 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said:

Do you think he will contact her again?

ARE YOU KIDDING? How can you ask that question? You really don't understand what's happening here, do you?

[BaileyB]

1 minute ago, LaurenEliz said:

Do you think he will contact her again?

This discussion reminds me of Edith’s thread a little further down the list. 10 years, her husband has been messaging and meeting up a woman for oral sex and she is still posting and wondering - do you think this is an emotional affair? Do you think he loves her? Why does he keep messaging her? Do you think they will continue to contact each other and/or meet up again? 

10 years!! she has been monitoring his communications and asking the same questions...

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Lauren, why are you torturing yourself with this? Clearly he has an ongoing emotional interest in this woman. What you need to ask yourself is what you want and what you're willing to accept. If you continue to obsess over every detail and action he takes, you will end up very ill in every way. This is horrible for your fetus also. The stress of obsessing is building up loads of cortisol...how will that impact your fetus's development?

Bottom line: you can't control him, but you can control you. Shift your focus to what you want and then put together an action plan to work towards that direction. One thing you're seeking is certainty. You are feeling powerless without that. You are seeing this play out with your own eyes. You have to stop denying what's happening for your sake and that of your kids. 

He is carrying on with his connection with her, seemingly with no intent to ever end it. What are you going to DO about it? I think you are also conflict avoidant btw, and it's not serving you well here. I think you're also focused on h to determine your future when you should focus more on yourself in that regard. Otherwise you've totally given up your power and you'll continue to spiral. 

Edited to add: Finally, try your best to not feel like your in competition with her. Focus on goals and behaviors. If you fall into the rabbit hole of  competing, you'll destroy yourself. Besides, he's not the grand poobah handing out the trophy at a pageant for best lover. He's a cheater, plain and simple. He's not being a good husband to you. Take him off the pedestal and see this for what it is so you can make good decisions for yourself and kids. 

Edited June 25, 2020 by HadMeOverABarrel

[LaurenEliz]

10 hours ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

Lauren, why are you torturing yourself with this? Clearly he has an ongoing emotional interest in this woman. What you need to ask yourself is what you want and what you're willing to accept. If you continue to obsess over every detail and action he takes, you will end up very ill in every way. This is horrible for your fetus also. The stress of obsessing is building up loads of cortisol...how will that impact your fetus's development?

Bottom line: you can't control him, but you can control you. Shift your focus to what you want and then put together an action plan to work towards that direction. One thing you're seeking is certainty. You are feeling powerless without that. You are seeing this play out with your own eyes. You have to stop denying what's happening for your sake and that of your kids. 

He is carrying on with his connection with her, seemingly with no intent to ever end it. What are you going to DO about it? I think you are also conflict avoidant btw, and it's not serving you well here. I think you're also focused on h to determine your future when you should focus more on yourself in that regard. Otherwise you've totally given up your power and you'll continue to spiral. 

Edited to add: Finally, try your best to not feel like your in competition with her. Focus on goals and behaviors. If you fall into the rabbit hole of  competing, you'll destroy yourself. Besides, he's not the grand poobah handing out the trophy at a pageant for best lover. He's a cheater, plain and simple. He's not being a good husband to you. Take him off the pedestal and see this for what it is so you can make good decisions for yourself and kids. 

Update: he got back intouch with her. I’m screenshotting everything and I’m going to confront him I’m just trying to think carefully so I’d appreciate it if people didn’t accuse me of sticking my head in the sand. I am pregnant and have a toddler to think about. 

He messaged her yesterday morning saying that he needs to tell her something (this is obviously that I’m pregnant) and he sounds terrified of doing so. She asked him if he still had feelings for her and his response surprised me slightly. My H doesn’t use romantic words ever. He said ‘I think about you every day, you’re special to me and I want you in my life’. 

Would you say that’s a coy response?

[elaine567]

25 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said:

My H doesn’t use romantic words ever. He said ‘I think about you every day, you’re special to me and I want you in my life’. 

Would you say that’s a coy response?

No, if your husband is not one for being romantic then that sounds pretty serious to me.
"I think about your every day, you are special to me and I want you in my life" is basically "I love you" in different words, sorry to say.
 

[LaurenEliz]

No I agree. She out right asked him if he had feelings for her still and his response was all I know is that you’re special to me and I want you in my life. He also said she made him happy and that it ‘turns out I do need you’ 

[elaine567]

So in light of your husband being enamoured at best and deeply in love with another woman at worst, what is your plan?
 

[Crazelnut]

LE, stop asking us. What do YOU think? What do YOU want?

I understand that you're pregnant and have a toddler, but that doesn't change the fact that your husband just said he needs another woman. Literally everything we've told you has come true. Did he keep her number because he's not done with her? Yes. Do you think he'll try to contact her again? Yes. And he did. Do you think he still cares about her? Yes, we said. And he admits it. And now we are telling you that he loves her. Why aren't you positively outraged and angry at him and this whole situation? He's the worst kind of cheater!

[d0nnivain]

2 hours ago, LaurenEliz said:

Update: he got back intouch with her. I’m screenshotting everything and I’m going to confront him I’m just trying to think carefully so I’d appreciate it if people didn’t accuse me of sticking my head in the sand. I am pregnant and have a toddler to think about. 

He messaged her yesterday morning saying that he needs to tell her something (this is obviously that I’m pregnant) and he sounds terrified of doing so. She asked him if he still had feelings for her and his response surprised me slightly. My H doesn’t use romantic words ever. He said ‘I think about you every day, you’re special to me and I want you in my life’. 

Would you say that’s a coy response?

You are sticking your head in the sand!  We are thinking of your kids.  You are separately wishing this was all a bad dream.  You are allowing it to continue to your detriment. 

Staying in a marriage where your H treats you like trash teaches your kids that you have no self respect.  If you have a girl, she will grow up without self respect & men will take advantage of her.  If you have a boy, he will grow up thinking that women are disposable & they don't matter.  Are those really the messages you want your children to get?  

Your husband has declared his love & preference for this OW.  There is no place for you in here.  

Nobody is saying being a single parent is easy.  However millions of people do it.  It's time for you to dig deep & function.  

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, LaurenEliz said:

He messaged her yesterday morning saying that he needs to tell her something (this is obviously that I’m pregnant) and he sounds terrified of doing so. She asked him if he still had feelings for her and his response surprised me slightly. My H doesn’t use romantic words ever. He said ‘I think about you every day, you’re special to me and I want you in my life’. 

I would say that is practically a declaration of love.

And, I wouldn’t make any assumptions. Perhaps, he needs to tell her about your pregnancy. Perhaps, he’s going to tell her that he wants to be with her. Perhaps, it’s both. You have no idea what he is thinking or what he is planning aside from the fact that he has initiated contact with his OW and he has basically told her that he loves her. 

[LaurenEliz]

29 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I would say that is practically a declaration of love.

And, I wouldn’t make any assumptions. Perhaps, he needs to tell her about your pregnancy. Perhaps, he’s going to tell her that he wants to be with her. Perhaps, it’s both. You have no idea what he is thinking or what he is planning aside from the fact that he has initiated contact with his OW and he has basically told her that he loves her. 

He said he has things he needs to tell her but is too scared to put it in a message incase it doesn’t sound genuine. He said he isn’t happy without her. When asked if he still had feelings for her he said all I know is that you are special to me and I want you in my life. Why hasn’t he told her about the pregnancy yet?

[LaurenEliz]

This is what I don’t understand. He obviously is scared to tell her about the pregnancy incase he loses her. And looking at the messages that were sent yesterday that’s clear. So why doesn’t he just not tell her and get rid of her? Then he won’t have to worry about hurting her?

and for the record I am angry. I’m just trying to deal with this a step at a time 

[Crazelnut]

It. does. not. matter. It doesn't natter WHY he hasn't told her. What matters is that he loves another woman. Deal with that.

[BaileyB]

19 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said:

So why doesn’t he just not tell her and get rid of her? 

Because he doesn’t want to get rid of her...

His last message to her said “I want you in my life.” It doesn’t get any more clear than that, I’m afraid. 

I have a feeling he is trying to get her back, whether that is as his affair partner or more. That’s a discussion he wants to have in person. He will tell her about the pregnancy, when it is convenient for him to do so.

Edited June 26, 2020 by BaileyB

[Stevnx3]

Bailey had Craze are right my friend.

He will not get rid of her. He loves her and has betrayed you. Why, heck, give this enough time, kids or no kids and he will end up in her lap and not yours. He wants her and admits to it being so.

You are currently in the way....an obstacle for the mean time. He does not love you. Frankly, he is a pathetic pos who is undeserving of your wonderfully sweet self. Good you are now angry. Use it and hopefully get rid of him.

You have support around you, and will be fine. Explore what options you may can take advantage of in this situation ( not talking about at fault within the UK my understanding is this isn't so)..

This isn't the love meant for you, in your life.

[Stevnx3]

I personally believe, @LaurenEliz that he will tell her, one day - the right day. That will be the day he can free himself of you and go to her 

[LaurenEliz]

11 minutes ago, Stevnx3 said:

I personally believe, @LaurenEliz that he will tell her, one day - the right day. That will be the day he can free himself of you and go to her 

Hi, it’s nice to hear from you. Thanks, I think I know this. He says he is going to call her when he is out of lockdown (ie away from me) because he wants her to hear that he’s genuine. Would you say him saying she is special to him means he loves her?

[Stevnx3]

2 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said:

Hi, it’s nice to hear from you. Thanks, I think I know this. He says he is going to call her when he is out of lockdown (ie away from me) because he wants her to hear that he’s genuine. Would you say him saying she is special to him means he loves her?

Hi...

I have been waiting for an update from you. I figured you were taking the advice on here to step back and think for a moment, and did not see anything from you yesterday. 

Yes, of course it means he loves her. All of this does. He even uses phrases and words that he never used with you. 

I am sure covid is the worst thing in his life right now. Frankly, a deserved hell for him. But always here to help you! 

Please take the actions you need to take, when this becomes possible.