Husband kept OW number

[LaurenEliz]

2 minutes ago, Stevnx3 said:

Hi...

I have been waiting for an update from you. I figured you were taking the advice on here to step back and think for a moment, and did not see anything from you yesterday. 

Yes, of course it means he loves her. All of this does. He even uses phrases and words that he never used with you. 

I am sure covid is the worst thing in his life right now. Frankly, a deserved hell for him. But always here to help you! 

Please take the actions you need to take, when this becomes possible.

Would you say he’s putting off telling her incase he loses her?

[Stevnx3]

Just now, LaurenEliz said:

Would you say he’s putting off telling her incase he loses her?

Nope. He may be afraid to tell her, but he will tell her. She may not like it. She will like, however, him telling her all these nice words.

She will still accept him, if he leaves you for her. Kinda like an ultimate thrill - I am sure, for her. She can say she pulled him away from you and his two kids. That he loved her more than you.

[LaurenEliz]

Well there have been no messages today. Do you think he’s scared of telling her and that’s why he’s putting it off?

[Stevnx3]

Just now, LaurenEliz said:

Well there have been no messages today. Do you think he’s scared of telling her and that’s why he’s putting it off?

No messages yet.

If he is the guy you are telling us all he is, then yes. 

Again, he may be scared, but his desire and love for this other woman will empower him through that fear. I can give you vegas odds that say she will not leave him because of this. 

Especially with him confessing more of his feelings for her. Like I said, a thrill for her. She isn't innocent and surely knows the lives she is going to destroy. But doesn't care. 

[LaurenEliz]

I’m not sticking my head in the sand or anything but wouldn’t you say his response was abit coy? She asked outright if he still had feelings for her and this was his response:

’all I know is that you’re special to me and I want you in my life’

’I’m not happy without you’

[Stevnx3]

Just now, LaurenEliz said:

I’m not sticking my head in the sand or anything but wouldn’t you say his response was abit coy? She asked outright if he still had feelings for her and this was his response:

’all I know is that you’re special to me and I want you in my life’

’I’m not happy without you’

That's being direct. Nothing coy about it. Think of it like this; more than one way to say I love you. He was very direct with telling her how special she is and being unhappy with her. It is enough

[LaurenEliz]

Just now, Stevnx3 said:

That's being direct. Nothing coy about it. Think of it like this; more than one way to say I love you. He was very direct with telling her how special she is and being unhappy with her. It is enough

You’re right  I guess I just thought when she asked him I thought he would have our right said it but when he said that ‘all he knew was she was special’ when previously he has told her he had fallen for her, I thought maybe his feelings had changed but maybe not if ‘youre Special to me’ is the same thing

 

[BaileyB]

29 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said:

Do you think he’s scared of telling her and that’s why he’s putting it off?

I don’t think he’s scared to tell her about the pregnancy, because I predict he’s also going to tell her that she is the woman he wants - he’s already said as much. 

Lauren, you do not want to stay married to a man who is in love with another woman. Yes, you have children together but you need to have some self respect. This is not your great love, it hasn’t been since the very beginning. You’ve had two children with a man who loves another woman. That’s the sad reality here.

You want to be with a man who chooses you. A man who gives you his whole heart and is faithful to you and your family. This is not your man. He has demonstrated by his words and actions that he is not your man. And wishing and hoping that it was different isn’t going to make it so. I’m sorry, but you need to understand - a man who loves you doesn’t behave in this way. Don’t settle for any less... if he wants to be with this other woman, he should be with her. Staying in a marriage that he does not want is not going to bring either one of you long term happiness.

Edited June 26, 2020 by BaileyB

[Stevnx3]

18 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said:

You’re right  I guess I just thought when she asked him I thought he would have our right said it but when he said that ‘all he knew was she was special’ when previously he has told her he had fallen for her, I thought maybe his feelings had changed but maybe not if ‘youre Special to me’ is the same thing

 

Yes, same thing is not more so. He is blind to you and the hurt he is causing you and his eyes are open to her alone. Shameful. He is pathetic.

[mark clemson]

55 minutes ago, Stevnx3 said:

Frankly, he is a pathetic pos who is undeserving of your wonderfully sweet self.

Hmmm. Interesting characterizations of people you only know through internet posts (and coming from only one side at that).

He fell in love with someone else (apparently). These things DO happen. Maybe he went looking for it, maybe not. Maybe he was a GREAT husband up until this happened, dunno.

Is what he doing right now fair or right? Absolutely not. Has he therefore always been garbage as a person? Well, the OP married him. Has she always been a stellar and "wonderfully sweet" wife? No one here has any true idea. (Although he DID marry HER as well.)

Is it possible to help someone without projecting a little? Probably not. But being all "judgy" reflects as much on the person themselves as they one they are "judging" IMO.

[Stevnx3]

Just now, mark clemson said:

Hmmm. Interesting characterizations of people you only know through internet posts (and coming from only one side at that).

He fell in love with someone else (apparently). These things DO happen. Maybe he went looking for it, maybe not. Maybe he was a GREAT husband up until this happened, dunno.

Is what he doing right now fair or right? Absolutely not. Has he therefore always been garbage as a person? Well, the OP married him. Has she always been a stellar and "wonderfully sweet" wife? No one here has any true idea. (Although he DID marry HER as well.)

Is it possible to help someone without projecting a little? Probably not. But being all "judgy" reflects as much on the person themselves as they one they are "judging" IMO.

No, he is a pos. 😉

And all we have are her posts and her side of the story. You feel sorry for him and want us to be delicate with words, and he is tearing apart Lauren. No thanks. You can have your opinion. I'll stick with mine

[LaurenEliz]

3 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Hmmm. Interesting characterizations of people you only know through internet posts (and coming from only one side at that).

He fell in love with someone else (apparently). These things DO happen. Maybe he went looking for it, maybe not. Maybe he was a GREAT husband up until this happened, dunno.

Is what he doing right now fair or right? Absolutely not. Has he therefore always been garbage as a person? Well, the OP married him. Has she always been a stellar and "wonderfully sweet" wife? No one here has any true idea. (Although he DID marry HER as well.)

Is it possible to help someone without projecting a little? Probably not. But being all "judgy" reflects as much on the person themselves as they one they are "judging" IMO.

Hi, thanks. It’s ok I can openly admit we haven’t been happy for a long time. Yes he married me but I think he probably wished he had met her first. If he loved me he wouldn’t have kept her number let alone been in contact with her. I can admit he clearly has strong feelings for her 

[elaine567]

13 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Maybe he was a GREAT husband up until this happened, dunno.

No

On 6/17/2020 at 2:22 PM, LaurenEliz said:

We have never been ‘great’ - but we have always just gone along and marriage was the next step etc.

 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

5 hours ago, LaurenEliz said:

I’d appreciate it if people didn’t accuse me of sticking my head in the sand.

Lauren, It seems you are starting to accept that he is truly interested in pursuing her and has his emotions invested. That acknowledgement is a good step towards getting resolution. The part where you have your head in the sand now is continuing to look to him for answers and solutions when you should empower yourself by deciding what you want and how you will achieve it. Part of that includes your response to him refusing to end his involvement with her (based on his actions not words)...will you carry on in the marriage turning a blind eye or will you takes steps to exit the marriage? Come to terms with the fact he may not end things with her so you can get clear on your next course of action in that event. Definitely get clear on that (and perhaps where you stand on the whole situation) before confronting him.

Otherwise you'll be like a leaf turning in the wind at his mercy...appeased with whatever he says but with no real changes. That results in him continuing to be in the driver's seat, and he'll continue to do what he wants when he wants. He's already shown you he shouldn't be in the driver seat because he makes irresponsible decisions. Time for you to step up!

Another thing for you to address within yourself is that your idea of what marriage and family look like is not matching up with your reality. There's nothing wrong with that fantasy you envisioned (probably even since you were a little girl), but be cautious about trying to force this situation into that fantasy...because it will blur your cognitive recognition of what's actually happening. You need to see things very clearly to make the best possible decisions for you and your kids. 

Again, it's worth repeating, he will either cut contact with her or not. Based on what you've described, I think he will not, but he will do a better job hiding it from you going forward after you confront him.

Kindly, you can't cherry pick the sort of advice you receive here. People will post what they like so long as it conforms to the forum guidelines. Based on my experience, most people are well-meaning even when views differ. My advice to you is well-meaning, too.  Hope you will continue to have an open mind and be willing to seriously consider what everyone is saying here. If so, you will benefit a lot from the advice. I certainly have.

5 hours ago, LaurenEliz said:

She asked him if he still had feelings for her and his response surprised me slightly. My H doesn’t use romantic words ever. He said ‘I think about you every day, you’re special to me and I want you in my life’. 

Would you say that’s a coy response?

^^^^Another case in point illustrating how your focus is currently misplaced. I suggest shifting your focus to questions like these: What does Lauren want? How will Lauren achieve this? What consequences will Lauren set? What is Lauren prepared to do to put her needs/wishes first? What is Lauren willing to accept, or not accept, if husband refuses to give up OW?

Edited June 26, 2020 by HadMeOverABarrel

[mark clemson]

36 minutes ago, Stevnx3 said:

 You feel sorry for him and want us to be delicate with words, and he is tearing apart Lauren. No thanks.

Actually, I feel quite sorry for Lauren as well and not overly sorry for him. That's the problem with projecting,  you don't really know what you're talking about - just a best guess.

I have no idea what you may or may not have done in your life, but I suspect that if I judged "you as a person" on your absolute least ethical moments only, I'd have some pretty choice descriptions as well, ha ha.

I actually feel more sorry for you than for him, but that's neither here nor there. People who take the moral high ground when they themselves have no exposure are just as much garbage as anyone they're judging. They're a lot like those bad cops who've caused such problems. I'm the "good guy" so therefore I get to kneel one someone's neck. Yeah right.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, LaurenEliz said:

He says he is going to call her when he is out of lockdown (ie away from me) because he wants her to hear that he’s genuine. Would you say him saying she is special to him means he loves her?

Yes, exactly. 

He is in love with her and doesn't want to lose her. He's trying to figure out how to convince her to stay after he confirms that you're pregnant (which she likely already has assumed) He doesn't want to get rid of her so I can guarantee he's piecing together how to either: a) get her to continue the affair, or b) leave you. 

Your marriage is on paper only at this point, Lauren. 

Edited June 26, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[mark clemson]

43 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said:

Hi, thanks. It’s ok I can openly admit we haven’t been happy for a long time. Yes he married me but I think he probably wished he had met her first. If he loved me he wouldn’t have kept her number let alone been in contact with her. I can admit he clearly has strong feelings for her 

Yes,. that is unfortunate. Reality is that even people who were very deeply in love at one time can fall out of love, and in some cases fall in love with someone else. Still he has no business looking for anything with her while you're pregnant. Completely unfair and selfish of him I do agree, and certainly nothing that's your fault.

[LaurenEliz]

13 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, exactly. 

He is in love with her and doesn't want to lose her. He's trying to figure out how to convince her to stay after he confirms that you're pregnant (which she likely already has assumed) He doesn't want to get rid of her so I can guarantee he's piecing together how to either: a) get her to continue the affair, or b) leave you. 

Your marriage is on paper only at this point, Lauren. 

Hi nice to hear from you and thank you for your advice before. I know, I’m trying to deal with things a little bit at a time in my mind. He said when he is able to he is going to call her because in a message it would ‘come out wrong’ and he wants her to hear he is being ‘genuine’. Genuine about what? Sorry that it’s over with them? Sorry that we are having another baby? 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said:

 he wants her to hear he is being ‘genuine’. Genuine about what? Sorry that it’s over with them? Sorry that we are having another baby? 

Probably genuine that he loves her and his heart is with her, is my honest guess. 

[BaileyB]

32 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Probably genuine that he loves her and his heart is with her, is my honest guess. 

Indeed, that’s not something he wants to say in a text message, if he honestly wants her to believe him.

He will also have to tell her about the pregnancy at some point (although as you say, she may have already guessed). Again, not a conversation he wants to have by text if he has any interest in keeping this woman in his life. He will have some explaining to do and that will need to be done in person.

The fact that he wants to talk with her should tell you that he is concerned about what she will think and whether he may lose her. He’s trying to manage the situation such that she understands - as he said, she is special to him and he wants her in his life. 

Edited June 26, 2020 by BaileyB

[LaurenEliz]

8 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Indeed, that’s not something he wants to say in a text message, if he honestly wants her to believe him.

He will also have to tell her about the pregnancy at some point (although as you say, she may have already guessed). Again, not a conversation he wants to have by text if he has any interest in keeping this woman in his life. He will have some explaining to do and that will need to be done in person.

The fact that he wants to talk with her in person should tell you that he is concerned about what she will think. If he was not worried about what she would think or the possibility of losing her, he would not be asking to talk to her. He’s trying to manage the situation such that she understands - as he said, she is special to him and he wants her in his life. 

This is going to sound a dumb question and yes I’m getting you guys to answer for me because clearly I can’t think myself - if he didn’t care about her or have strong feelings, he wouldn’t have bothered contacting her would he

[BaileyB]

Just now, LaurenEliz said:

If he didn’t care about her or have strong feelings, he wouldn’t have bothered contacting her would he

No, he wouldn’t. He would send her a text with the news and it would be done. 

The fact that he wants to talk with her means that he’s trying to get her to understand certain things - that he genuinely cares for her and wants her in his life - despite the pregnancy. She has already told him this is a dealbreaker, so he’s going to have some explaining to do and he needs to do that in person. 

[LaurenEliz]

That makes total sense. One more thing and then I will stop focusing on this (or try to) (and thank you for helping by the way) - she said to him ‘don’t you need me anymore’ and he said ‘turns out I do need you’ so do you think that maybe there was a time when he didn’t need her? Or was he just trying to bury his feelings for her and that hasn’t worked 

[justbrowsing85]

i hope you see that he is more concerned about the other woman feelings than yours, the mother of his two children.  He wants to be honest with her, not you, about his feelings and telling her you are pregnant so that he can explain the reason (in person, no less) and perverse his chance to be with her.  Sorry to be blunt but everyone sees it.... 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

41 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said:

 she said to him ‘don’t you need me anymore’ and he said ‘turns out I do need you’ so do you think that maybe there was a time when he didn’t need her? Or was he just trying to bury his feelings for her and that hasn’t worked 

 

He probably tried to pretend he didn't, both to her and to himself, because he knows what he's doing is wrong and will hurt you. 

But he's realized his feelings for her haven't gone away. 

Lauren, sincere question - do you really feel like you need him? Has he ever expressed similar sentiments towards you? How long did you two know each other before you got married?