Author LaurenEliz Posted June 27, 2020 Author Share Posted June 27, 2020 Hi, nice to hear from you yes you’re right. I think it’s more wishful thinking in my part that maybe he just wanted her to hear him genuinely say that he just wants to be friends? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 27, 2020 Share Posted June 27, 2020 6 minutes ago, RebeccaR said: ...maybe even ask her to wait for him like so many OW are asked to hang around... Agreed. Wait till she has the baby, and then we can be together... Wait till the baby is walking... Wait till the baby goes to school... Wait till the kids are just a bit older... She may be prepared to stick around for literally years. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted June 27, 2020 Author Share Posted June 27, 2020 8 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Agreed. Wait till she has the baby, and then we can be together... Wait till the baby is walking... Wait till the baby goes to school... Wait till the kids are just a bit older... She may be prepared to stick around for literally years. So basically whatever this genuine thing is he has to have her hear him say, it’s not I have to make things work with my wife let’s just be friends Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 27, 2020 Share Posted June 27, 2020 12 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said: So basically whatever this genuine thing is he has to have her hear him say, it’s not I have to make things work with my wife let’s just be friends Probably, if he genuinely hasn't contacted her for months, why contact her to tell her "I am trying to make things work with my wife"? Why bother? Better to let it die a death surely? and as I said men rarely want to be "just friends". Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted June 27, 2020 Author Share Posted June 27, 2020 1 hour ago, elaine567 said: Probably, if he genuinely hasn't contacted her for months, why contact her to tell her "I am trying to make things work with my wife"? Why bother? Better to let it die a death surely? and as I said men rarely want to be "just friends". Exactly. And he says he wants her in his life. He can’t mean just as a friend 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Stevnx3 Posted June 27, 2020 Share Posted June 27, 2020 1 hour ago, LaurenEliz said: Exactly. And he says he wants her in his life. He can’t mean just as a friend Agreed. He definitely wants more than mere friendship. I truly believe that he loves her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted June 27, 2020 Author Share Posted June 27, 2020 3 minutes ago, Stevnx3 said: Agreed. He definitely wants more than mere friendship. I truly believe that he loves her. Hi, nice to see you. Yes I have been awake in the night just wondering what he meant when he said that he needs her to hear him to show he’s being genuine. It can’t be I just want to be friends, and as @elaine567 put it perfectly, it would have just died a death and he wouldn’t have got back intouch..and there’s no way it would be I’m working on my marriage but I still want you in my life because how can you work on a marriage with her there Link to post Share on other sites
Stevnx3 Posted June 27, 2020 Share Posted June 27, 2020 2 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said: Hi, nice to see you. Yes I have been awake in the night just wondering what he meant when he said that he needs her to hear him to show he’s being genuine. It can’t be I just want to be friends, and as @elaine567 put it perfectly, it would have just died a death and he wouldn’t have got back intouch..and there’s no way it would be I’m working on my marriage but I still want you in my life because how can you work on a marriage with her there Correct. He cannot simultaneously work on your marriage with him, and be with her. Like oil to water, won't mix or work. Poor girl, you must be very tired! It will do you well to rest here and there. He is divided in thought, but singular in action. His thoughts may well be struck between her, the kids and you. His action is ultimately to be with her; to confess his feelings to her. To keep her. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 27, 2020 Share Posted June 27, 2020 2 hours ago, elaine567 said: She may be prepared to stick around for literally years. It doesn’t sound like it, did this woman tell him that another pregnancy was a dealbreaker for her. they have not talked for a while, now he is having another baby... she doesn’t sound like the type to hang on and pine for him for years... If he wants her, he may have to step it up. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 27, 2020 Share Posted June 27, 2020 23 minutes ago, BaileyB said: did this woman tell him that another pregnancy was a dealbreaker for her. Maybe, but so many OWs seem to put their foot down to pick it back up again when it becomes obvious that she will not get her own way. If it is "love", then some will put up with just about anything to keep him in her life. Any chink of hope that they can be together "properly" at some point, seems to keep many on board. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted June 27, 2020 Author Share Posted June 27, 2020 40 minutes ago, Stevnx3 said: Correct. He cannot simultaneously work on your marriage with him, and be with her. Like oil to water, won't mix or work. Poor girl, you must be very tired! It will do you well to rest here and there. He is divided in thought, but singular in action. His thoughts may well be struck between her, the kids and you. His action is ultimately to be with her; to confess his feelings to her. To keep her. I agree. He is putting her feelings above mine. If it was something like an apology for the way he’s treated he would just text her that wouldn’t he? I don’t think it’s that I think it’s bigger than that because why the emphasis on her having to hear him? He said he wants her in his life and that she is special, and he thinks about her everyday. He’s scared of losing her isn’t he? That’s why he went quiet with her when we found out I was pregnant Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted June 27, 2020 Author Share Posted June 27, 2020 1 hour ago, Stevnx3 said: Correct. He cannot simultaneously work on your marriage with him, and be with her. Like oil to water, won't mix or work. Poor girl, you must be very tired! It will do you well to rest here and there. He is divided in thought, but singular in action. His thoughts may well be struck between her, the kids and you. His action is ultimately to be with her; to confess his feelings to her. To keep her. Sorry to disturb you again I just re read what he said to her..sorry if I’m being annoying I just don’t have anyonelse to turn to. After he said you’re special to me, I want you in my life because I think about you every day, that’s when he said I can’t just text you I need you to hear me so you know it’s genuine..why go to the bother? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 27, 2020 Share Posted June 27, 2020 He's bothering to want to speak because she is important to him. He is scared to lose her. He also knows that in person he stands a better chance of convincing her to not be mad about your pregnancy. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted June 27, 2020 Author Share Posted June 27, 2020 2 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: He's bothering to want to speak because she is important to him. He is scared to lose her. He also knows that in person he stands a better chance of convincing her to not be mad about your pregnancy. Hi, yes that makes sense. I know I am torturing myself I’m just trying to work out why he’s so desperate to say whatever it is rather than text it (he isn’t seeing her in person she is over 500 miles away Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 27, 2020 Share Posted June 27, 2020 (edited) 24 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said: I’m just trying to work out why he’s so desperate to say whatever it is rather than text it Your mom has cancer and she’s trying to make it easier for you to hear the news - should she text it, or tell you on the phone? You are pregnant and you want to tell your husband, and your parents - do you text them, or tell them on the phone? You have lost your job - do you text your husband this news, or tell him on the phone? You want to get back together with your ex boyfriend, do you text him, or call him on the phone and have a conversation... When someone is important to you, news - both good and bad - needs to delivered in person, or when that’s not possible, on the phone. For a variety of reasons, it’s easier to have a conversation - to share the excitement or soften the blow, to explain what happened and ask for support/forgiveness, to clearly explain the situation and plan for the future, to manage the reaction fo the other person such that things will go the way you want them to go... So many reasons why you wouldn’t text something that is important to someone when you care about their reaction. That’s why he wants to call - he has something important to discuss, and he is concerned about her reaction. Edited June 27, 2020 by BaileyB 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted June 27, 2020 Author Share Posted June 27, 2020 1 minute ago, BaileyB said: Your mom has cancer and she’s trying to make it easier for you to hear the news - should she text it, or tell you on the phone? You are pregnant and you want to tell your husband, and your parents - do you text them, or tell them on the phone? You have lost your job - do you text your husband this news, or tell him on the phone? You want to get back together with your ex boyfriend, do you text him, or call him on the phone and have a conversation... When someone is important to you, news - both good and bad - needs to delivered in person, or when that’s not possible, on the phone. For a variety of reasons, it’s easier to have a conversation - to share the excitement or soften the blow, to explain what happened and ask for support/forgiveness, to clearly explain the situation and plan for the future, to manage the reaction fo the other person such that things will go the way you want them to go... So many reasons why you wouldn’t text something that is important to someone when you care about their reaction. I understand. He says there are so many things he wants to say to her that won’t cone out right on a message. None of those will be telling her he is finished with her Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 27, 2020 Share Posted June 27, 2020 Just now, LaurenEliz said: I understand. He says there are so many things he wants to say to her that won’t cone out right on a message. None of those will be telling her he is finished with her Probably not. You say they have not been in contact recently. Why would he contact her again only to tell her, it’s over? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted June 27, 2020 Author Share Posted June 27, 2020 He’s doing all of this to keep her isn’t he, if he didn’t care he’d have deleted her number and concentrated on our marriage so it says a lot that not only did he keep it but he has contacted her 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Atwood Posted June 27, 2020 Share Posted June 27, 2020 1 minute ago, LaurenEliz said: He’s doing all of this to keep her isn’t he, if he didn’t care he’d have deleted her number and concentrated on our marriage so it says a lot that not only did he keep it but he has contacted her I'm so very sorry. I don't have anything new to add onto what everyone else has said, but I just wanted to come here to tell you that you are going to be alright. I know the thought of him doing this to you is crushing and near unbearable, and that the thought of him leaving you might feel as though the world is crashing down around you. I think it's important that you know you're a capable person. You're dealing with all of this pain whilst being a mother, being a wife and being pregnant on top of dealing with everything else in your life during a pandemic. That sounds pretty badass to me, and you're more than capable of raising these kids and living your best life without someone who treats you like this. I might be way off the mark here, but please don't be scared to kick out on your own and show him you don't need him. He's taking you for granted and he deserves to pay the consequences of that. You were your own person before you became his wife, and you can do it again. Whatever happens, you are going to be okay. You are good enough. You can handle it. ❤️ 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted June 27, 2020 Author Share Posted June 27, 2020 5 minutes ago, Atwood said: I'm so very sorry. I don't have anything new to add onto what everyone else has said, but I just wanted to come here to tell you that you are going to be alright. I know the thought of him doing this to you is crushing and near unbearable, and that the thought of him leaving you might feel as though the world is crashing down around you. I think it's important that you know you're a capable person. You're dealing with all of this pain whilst being a mother, being a wife and being pregnant on top of dealing with everything else in your life during a pandemic. That sounds pretty badass to me, and you're more than capable of raising these kids and living your best life without someone who treats you like this. I might be way off the mark here, but please don't be scared to kick out on your own and show him you don't need him. He's taking you for granted and he deserves to pay the consequences of that. You were your own person before you became his wife, and you can do it again. Whatever happens, you are going to be okay. You are good enough. You can handle it. ❤️ That’s so nice of you, thank you 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Stevnx3 Posted June 27, 2020 Share Posted June 27, 2020 53 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: He's bothering to want to speak because she is important to him. He is scared to lose her. He also knows that in person he stands a better chance of convincing her to not be mad about your pregnancy. Sorry Lauren. Was tending to house projects. Had to cut a board to line something with. What @d0nnivain said is very spot on. He is unwilling to lose her. It is more a personal matter to speak to hear than text her. Think of it like a letter vs a text. A letter is more personal, as it requires more effort, contains one's written text by hand. A regular text is what it is. He wants a more personal touch to this, so, he can in hopes of reducing the blowback from your pregnancy. Btw. You are never a bother. I understand where you are coming from. It is not an easy thing. I know the hurt of being betrayed, although, our circumstances are different in this regard ( i.e. you having kids and being married...I was only engaged and no kids ). Turn to me...to us here as much as you need to. That is why the website exists, it's core mission is to help others.. ☺️ Who knows? If you stick around long enough...It may be you helping someone else in a similar situation? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted June 27, 2020 Author Share Posted June 27, 2020 Just now, Stevnx3 said: Sorry Lauren. Was tending to house projects. Had to cut a board to line something with. What @d0nnivain said is very spot on. He is unwilling to lose her. It is more a personal matter to speak to hear than text her. Think of it like a letter vs a text. A letter is more personal, as it requires more effort, contains one's written text by hand. A regular text is what it is. He wants a more personal touch to this, so, he can in hopes of reducing the blowback from your pregnancy. Btw. You are never a bother. I understand where you are coming from. It is not an easy thing. I know the hurt of being betrayed, although, our circumstances are different in this regard ( i.e. you having kids and being married...I was only engaged and no kids ). Turn to me...to us here as much as you need to. That is why the website exists, it's core mission is to help others.. ☺️ Who knows? If you stick around long enough...It may be you helping someone else in a similar situation? No please don’t apologise. I hope in the future I can show the same kindness that you and others have shown me. Yes youre right, there’s no way he’s ending things with her because it would be easier just to get rid of her wouldn’t it. And if he was working on things with me, he wouldn’t need to tell her that, he’d just get rid of her Link to post Share on other sites
Stevnx3 Posted June 27, 2020 Share Posted June 27, 2020 Just now, LaurenEliz said: No please don’t apologise. I hope in the future I can show the same kindness that you and others have shown me. Yes youre right, there’s no way he’s ending things with her because it would be easier just to get rid of her wouldn’t it. And if he was working on things with me, he wouldn’t need to tell her that, he’d just get rid of her Correct, he would just get rid of her. There is no reason to revisit the past, unless one was hoping to find something therein? But I digress. I doubt she was ever a past to begin with. What steps has he taken to work with you - his wife, the mother of his children? It does not seem to be anything. He hasn't even made it to step: 1. Which is to stop contacting her. He cannot. He is in love with her. He cannot just turn it off. It is hard to change our own behavior. Imagine how much harder it is for someone else? Especially someone else who is in love with another person. Link to post Share on other sites
Stevnx3 Posted June 27, 2020 Share Posted June 27, 2020 Your marriage is indeed over; as it is standing. @Atwood (Beerus) told you something very beautiful. Although right now your head is a mess, a fog of misery and sorrow envelops your nights and gives no pause in the day. There is hope for you. A better for you. You simply fell in love with the wrong person. He fell in love with the wrong person. You mentioned before: "Do you think if he met her before me.." He stood a good chance of being with her. Key thing is, it is not your fault. You couldn't be anymore pretty, thoughtful, caring or a better mother. He is simply in love with someone else (although, there is risk to falling in love with someone who will happily help you in your quest to cheat on your pregnant wife...) There is hope for you. You seem very kind and forgiving. There is beauty in that spirit. You will, even if it is difficult, find someone who will love that in you. Who will not care to talk to another girl behind your back. No, it will be this person telling you sweet, and longing things. Better yet, someone who will work with you, even if you have bad days. Love is work in progress, my dear; some fail at the working part. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted June 27, 2020 Author Share Posted June 27, 2020 6 minutes ago, Stevnx3 said: Your marriage is indeed over; as it is standing. @Atwood (Beerus) told you something very beautiful. Although right now your head is a mess, a fog of misery and sorrow envelops your nights and gives no pause in the day. There is hope for you. A better for you. You simply fell in love with the wrong person. He fell in love with the wrong person. You mentioned before: "Do you think if he met her before me.." He stood a good chance of being with her. Key thing is, it is not your fault. You couldn't be anymore pretty, thoughtful, caring or a better mother. He is simply in love with someone else (although, there is risk to falling in love with someone who will happily help you in your quest to cheat on your pregnant wife...) There is hope for you. You seem very kind and forgiving. There is beauty in that spirit. You will, even if it is difficult, find someone who will love that in you. Who will not care to talk to another girl behind your back. No, it will be this person telling you sweet, and longing things. Better yet, someone who will work with you, even if you have bad days. Love is work in progress, my dear; some fail at the working part. I know. I guess I just thought about his response to her asking if she still had feelings for him..him saying all I k ow is that you’re special to me and I want you in my life..maybe he’s holding back on telling her how he really feels because he hasn’t told her I’m pregnant yet? Even though telling someonelse they are special does say a lot Link to post Share on other sites
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