Author LaurenEliz Posted June 17, 2020 Author Share Posted June 17, 2020 45 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Probably, yes. I'm sorry you're going through this. No need to apologise, I came on here to get some honesty so I couldn’t be more grateful. Would you mind if I asked one more thing? If he didn’t care and really wanted to move on with me, she would be deleted right, not just left in there Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted June 17, 2020 Author Share Posted June 17, 2020 50 minutes ago, Circular said: Being that I've been on your husbands side of the equation if he's been outed he's most likely not using her phone number and it's just there. I'd say it's more an indication that he has an emotional connection with her that runs deeper than is apparent and therefore he's not deleting the number out of sentiment. Emotional cheating where you have a strong connection with someone is probably the most complicated to actually break, and being caught often isn't enough. If he's still talking to her it's probably moved underground as others have mentioned, look at apps like WhatsApp, Signal, Twitter, etc... as alternative channels they might be talking on. Hi, Thanks for the message. It’s great to get some perspective from you, so he could just be leaving it there and not contacting her? And WhatsApp is how I caught them, she is still on there Link to post Share on other sites
Stevnx3 Posted June 17, 2020 Share Posted June 17, 2020 @LaurenEliz I'd say if he cared, he would have deleted her. I see it like this: Contacted her in the past, which resulted in a lot of grief. If he wanted to heal and move past this moment, out of respect for you ( the Mother of his kid ), he would delete her. Yet, he is clinging to her for whatever reason he has. Maybe as a fallback. Which would only result in more grief, for if you ever saw she was still in his contacts ( you did ) it would resonate that hurt all over again. Therefore, the correct and right thing to do, would be to remove that which has caused a rift between you two, out of his life...thus can begin the healing. One cannot effectively heal and yet cling to the past. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted June 17, 2020 Author Share Posted June 17, 2020 2 minutes ago, Stevnx3 said: @LaurenEliz I'd say if he cared, he would have deleted her. I see it like this: Contacted her in the past, which resulted in a lot of grief. If he wanted to heal and move past this moment, out of respect for you ( the Mother of his kid ), he would delete her. Yet, he is clinging to her for whatever reason he has. Maybe as a fallback. Which would only result in more grief, for if you ever saw she was still in his contacts ( you did ) it would resonate that hurt all over again. Therefore, the correct and right thing to do, would be to remove that which has caused a rift between you two, out of his life...thus can begin the healing. One cannot effectively heal and yet cling to the past. Yes I completely agree with everything you’re saying. There’s no way he’d just leave it there for zero reason, he’s keeping it for a reason Link to post Share on other sites
Stevnx3 Posted June 17, 2020 Share Posted June 17, 2020 Just now, LaurenEliz said: Yes I completely agree with everything you’re saying. There’s no way he’d just leave it there for zero reason, he’s keeping it for a reason Well, now that I see it is WHATSAPP he may have it there and simply not using it. Things like this. I tend to look at the history of it all. If there is history of it, it may very well be that he is still talking to her ( again, I cannot say 100% certainty that he is ) just looking at the whole picture. What reasons has he given you to trust him, again? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted June 17, 2020 Author Share Posted June 17, 2020 6 minutes ago, Stevnx3 said: Well, now that I see it is WHATSAPP he may have it there and simply not using it. Things like this. I tend to look at the history of it all. If there is history of it, it may very well be that he is still talking to her ( again, I cannot say 100% certainty that he is ) just looking at the whole picture. What reasons has he given you to trust him, again? Why did him having it on WhatsApp change your perspective. I don’t know if this makes a difference but I live in the uk that’s the main way people text Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted June 17, 2020 Author Share Posted June 17, 2020 Just now, LaurenEliz said: Why did him having it on WhatsApp change your perspective. I don’t know if this makes a difference but I live in the uk that’s the main way people text Her contact is in his phone book on his phone and in WhatsApp Link to post Share on other sites
Stevnx3 Posted June 17, 2020 Share Posted June 17, 2020 1 minute ago, LaurenEliz said: Her contact is in his phone book on his phone and in WhatsApp Oh, okay. Well, he may or may not be talking to her. I am of the opinion that he is. He should delete her # clean off his phone and move on past this point. But like what another poster said, he could easily keep her number or use a burner phone or anything if he is truly committed to this other woman. He needs to let the past die, though, if he and you will ever heal from this. It is a big step in earning your trust. He has to walk that walk now. Just like you will have to forgive him, if he is committed to leaving this behind for you. I do not believe that he is there yet, if ever. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 17, 2020 Share Posted June 17, 2020 2 hours ago, LaurenEliz said: No need to apologise, I came on here to get some honesty so I couldn’t be more grateful. Would you mind if I asked one more thing? If he didn’t care and really wanted to move on with me, she would be deleted right, not just left in there I believe he would’ve deleted her if really wanted to leave her behind and rebuild your marriage, yes. Had you recently had some suspicions, prompting you to have a look at his phone and see if she was still in his contacts? Link to post Share on other sites
Uptown182 Posted June 17, 2020 Share Posted June 17, 2020 2 hours ago, LaurenEliz said: No need to apologise, I came on here to get some honesty so I couldn’t be more grateful. Would you mind if I asked one more thing? If he didn’t care and really wanted to move on with me, she would be deleted right, not just left in there This is a tough one, I still have all my exes in my contacts. Not for any other reason than I just don’t bother deleting them, and in case they pop up again I know who they are lol. That being said, in this case he should have deleted her out of respect for you since he was doing something he shouldn’t have been. Maybe I missed this, but did he actually say he would delete her out of his phone or did you ask him too? If this was never mentioned then maybe it’s an oversight, but then again if he was serious about working things out with you he should’ve deleted her so as to avoid temptation. Link to post Share on other sites
Uptown182 Posted June 17, 2020 Share Posted June 17, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, LaurenEliz said: Her contact is in his phone book on his phone and in WhatsApp I think all your contacts in your phone automatically import to WhatsApp. So if she has WhatsApp then yes she would be in his contacts there automatically. Unless you’re referring to the chat between her and him that hasn’t been deleted, that would be problematic for me. Edited June 17, 2020 by Uptown182 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 17, 2020 Share Posted June 17, 2020 2 hours ago, LaurenEliz said: Yes I completely agree with everything you’re saying. There’s no way he’d just leave it there for zero reason, he’s keeping it for a reason Why are you discounting the idea that the number is there because he failed to delete it rather then for the nefarious purpose of him using it? What was the date of the last message again? If not 2019 - 2020 let it go. It's just a # he forgot to delete. There is no plot to undermine your marriage. do ask him to delete it now but work forward not backwards. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted June 17, 2020 Author Share Posted June 17, 2020 7 hours ago, Stevnx3 said: Yeah it all does not sound great at all. Seems that he has shared some deeper connection with her...possibly even behind your back, if the bolded is so. Kids only deepen the matter. This is with the same woman, who essentially caused issues in your relationship to begin with. Sorry but to me this sounds all very inappropriate and wrong. Would he be with you, if you ended up not ever being pregnant or her? Hmm. 18 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: I believe he would’ve deleted her if really wanted to leave her behind and rebuild your marriage, yes. Had you recently had some suspicions, prompting you to have a look at his phone and see if she was still in his contacts? Yes, just a gut feeling. He knows I watch him like a hawk and he has barely been on WhatsApp but I looked in his phone anyway and there she is 12 minutes ago, Uptown182 said: This is a tough one, I still have all my exes in my contacts. Not for any other reason than I just don’t bother deleting them, and in case they pop up again I know who they are lol. That being said, in this case he should have deleted her out of respect for you since he was doing something he shouldn’t have been. Maybe I missed this, but did he actually say he would delete her out of his phone or did you ask him too? If this was never mentioned then maybe it’s an oversight, but then again if he was serious about working things out with you he should’ve deleted her so as to avoid temptation. Hi, yes totally see where you’re coming from, if just a regular ex I’d probably have no issue but she isn’t. When I first caught him in Dec 2017 we had a huge fight and he took the phone out of my hand and blocked her in front of me so he unblocked her at some point. Yes I agree to make things work with me how can he have her there still? I know this sounds silly but whether they are speaking right now or not, to me he has an intention to because he has her number so she is still in his life Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted June 17, 2020 Share Posted June 17, 2020 2 hours ago, LaurenEliz said: Hi, Thanks for the message. It’s great to get some perspective from you, so he could just be leaving it there and not contacting her? And WhatsApp is how I caught them, she is still on there Did he tell you he would delete her number and contact info? I agree he should have regardless, it's just that if he told you he did then that is another deception and stronger evidence that he has the contact info "for a reason". He certainly should have deleted both IMO if he was serious about reconciling. If he never told you he would I suppose he can claim it's an oversight, but honestly this doesn't look good at all. Some folks, if they want to continue cheating, take it further underground. That may well be what happened here. You're under no obligation to continue the relationship, particularly under these circumstances. If I were you, I'd strongly consider asking for full access to everything (all apps, email, phone, etc) and that he delete her everywhere and have no contact ever, period. That's IF you decide to stay. Link to post Share on other sites
Uptown182 Posted June 17, 2020 Share Posted June 17, 2020 1 minute ago, d0nnivain said: Why are you discounting the idea that the number is there because he failed to delete it rather then for the nefarious purpose of him using it? What was the date of the last message again? If not 2019 - 2020 let it go. It's just a # he forgot to delete. There is no plot to undermine your marriage. do ask him to delete it now but work forward not backwards. Honestly he could be deleting messages between him and her, especially since he already got caught. I’m not saying that’s what’s happening, I really have no idea I’m just playing devil’s advocate here. However if the OP feels something is not right in her gut then she shouldn’t ignore it. Its hard to get the trust back once you’ve been betrayed. So I can’t blame the OP for questioning everything. OP how were you feeling about the relationship prior to finding out she’s still in his phone? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Uptown182 Posted June 17, 2020 Share Posted June 17, 2020 1 minute ago, LaurenEliz said: Yes, just a gut feeling. He knows I watch him like a hawk and he has barely been on WhatsApp but I looked in his phone anyway and there she is Hi, yes totally see where you’re coming from, if just a regular ex I’d probably have no issue but she isn’t. When I first caught him in Dec 2017 we had a huge fight and he took the phone out of my hand and blocked her in front of me so he unblocked her at some point. Yes I agree to make things work with me how can he have her there still? I know this sounds silly but whether they are speaking right now or not, to me he has an intention to because he has her number so she is still in his life Blocking her doesn’t mean she’s deleted. You can block a contact and they can still remain in your contact list. Did you actually go into her contact info and see that she was unblocked? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted June 17, 2020 Author Share Posted June 17, 2020 5 minutes ago, Uptown182 said: Honestly he could be deleting messages between him and her, especially since he already got caught. I’m not saying that’s what’s happening, I really have no idea I’m just playing devil’s advocate here. However if the OP feels something is not right in her gut then she shouldn’t ignore it. Its hard to get the trust back once you’ve been betrayed. So I can’t blame the OP for questioning everything. OP how were you feeling about the relationship prior to finding out she’s still in his phone? Hi, we haven’t been great and I know what I’m about to say doesn’t sound good but I was hoping having another baby would help things. I really pushed for this second baby and as much as I’ve always wanted our son to have a sibling close in age, of course I’d be lying if I said in the back of my mind I didn’t have that message that he doesn’t k ow I saw, the one that said she would leave if we had another. (I believe their affair started after I was pregnant with our first). We aren’t ‘happy’ we try and keep it going for our son. Thats the absolute truth of it. I believe if he were happy, he wouldn’t be clinging onto a number Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 17, 2020 Share Posted June 17, 2020 Let’s say he hasn’t spoken to her, just for argument’s sake: where does that leave you? You’ve been very honest that you two aren’t happy and didn’t marry for the right reasons, really. You’ve also evidently learned that having a child together didn’t have the desired effect of making things better. You still need to figure out what sort of future you and he have (or don’t have), even if he hasn’t been cheating recently. 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Uptown182 Posted June 17, 2020 Share Posted June 17, 2020 1 minute ago, LaurenEliz said: Hi, we haven’t been great and I know what I’m about to say doesn’t sound good but I was hoping having another baby would help things. I really pushed for this second baby and as much as I’ve always wanted our son to have a sibling close in age, of course I’d be lying if I said in the back of my mind I didn’t have that message that he doesn’t k ow I saw, the one that said she would leave if we had another. (I believe their affair started after I was pregnant with our first). We aren’t ‘happy’ we try and keep it going for our son. Thats the absolute truth of it. I believe if he were happy, he wouldn’t be clinging onto a number Forget the number and this woman for a second. Why are you staying in a marriage if you’re not happy? You haven’t mentioned that you’re going to counseling so I’m assuming you’re not. If you both are not happy you would both need to work on the relationship and it would be extremely difficult to do so without some sort of counseling. So to me, looks like you both are just hoping your issues will magically disappear, but they won’t they will only get worse because you’re not dealing with them. Staying together for the kids is bs in my opinion, kids are very intuitive and know when there parents are unhappy and that has more of an effect on a child than divorce does. However if you are serious about making this marriage work the the only advice I can give is seek marriage counseling. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 17, 2020 Share Posted June 17, 2020 11 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said: (I believe their affair started after I was pregnant with our first) That is very common, and now you are pregnant again he may again be looking for sex and attention from someone else I am sorry to say. Men rarely leave for the other woman especially older men, but younger men can and do sometimes. Men who are unhappy and cheat can one day just leave, kids or not. Get your ducks in a row, protect your assets and consult a lawyer, it may not come to divorce but it may do and at least you will be ready for it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted June 17, 2020 Share Posted June 17, 2020 (edited) One possible approach would be to tighten up all the boundaries, give him little to zero opportunity to cheat (if that's possible), and be sure to give him the love and attention he seems to be seeking elsewhere. However THAT will only work if he truly is cheating because he's unhappy and has no desire for "extra". He also has to want and be able to do his part of the work of reconciliation, such as making sure YOU feel emotionally safe. Since there's no real way to be sure he's truly sincere about reconciliation, if your sense is that he's not truly into it, then my suggestion is very much a risky strategy. You don't want to be pouring yourself into fixing the marriage just to have him cheat again. Speaking generally, IF you make any ultimatums you need to be willing to back them up. Otherwise your words won't be taken seriously next time. Something to keep in mind... Edited June 17, 2020 by mark clemson Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted June 17, 2020 Share Posted June 17, 2020 4 hours ago, LaurenEliz said: Yes I completely agree with everything you’re saying. There’s no way he’d just leave it there for zero reason, he’s keeping it for a reason Well, the only way you'll find out is by asking your husband. Asking us won't help because we're strangers and all we can do is speculate. Only your husband knows why he kept her phone number in his cellphone. While your husband may be a great dad to your son, you need to think about the consequences of being in a bad marriage long-term, when it comes to the negative effect it will have on your son. And having another baby won't fix your broken marriage. Having babies is not the solution. Marriage counseling or divorce usually are the only two options. Are you and your husband not on speaking terms? Is he hard to talk to? Do you yell when you confront him? What approach do you use when you are upset with him? Link to post Share on other sites
skywriter Posted June 19, 2020 Share Posted June 19, 2020 I don't know why he would keep her number, if he wants to show you ,that he's done, with the emotional affair. It's a lack of effort on his part to show you he's trying to earn your trust back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted June 19, 2020 Author Share Posted June 19, 2020 Hi, thank you so much for responding. I completely agree. To me, keeping the number is keeping the door open? Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted June 19, 2020 Share Posted June 19, 2020 Agreed. Did you establish any boundaries or conditions under which you'll stay and work on the marriage? If not, it's time to do so. Rule #1 is no contact. Rule #2 is delete her number and block her on all social media & messaging apps. Link to post Share on other sites
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