Husband kept OW number

[LaurenEliz]

9 hours ago, mark clemson said:

For those pushing Lauren to "deal with this now" I'd just remind all that she has a baby who's only a few months old to deal with. That's why she's waited thus far and IMO it's reasonable to wait even longer OR to not wait, depending on how she feels.

At the risk of stating something that should be incredibly obvious, the prospect of dealing with a new baby on your own is NOT something to be taken lightly. Your vicarious moral outrage is NOT a reason for her to "hurry things up" unless she feels the need to do so. I do think Lauren is on the verge of action, but I don't think a reasonable person would blame her for postponing further in these circumstances. Comparisons to Edith are so extremely premature it's ridiculous IMO.

Thank you

[Starswillshine]

4 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said:

Under a mans name. But it’s on whatsapp so the photo is of her 

Having kept it but changed the name to a man's name is NOT a good sign. In this case, it was definitely not a case of he didn't think about deleting it or it slipped his mind, etc. There is obvious intention to keep it and hide it from you.

Their lack of contact over the last 3 weeks does not mean too much. Affairs are very hot and cold. Who knows what could have transpired between them. How are you certain she does not know about the baby? Maybe she found out? And is mad? 

[ExpatInItaly]

26 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said:

Thanks everyone for your comments. It was a simple thing I asked your opinion on is he laying low and that’s why he’s kept her there or is it done and he doesn’t care if her number is there or not. 

The thing is, we can't answer that question. 

Only your husband can. 

Thus, we really can't provide any more insight that we did on your previous thread. Until you feel ready to bring this up with him, you can really only get used to the idea that he's got another woman in his life. This isn't going to go away on its own, because even if she disappears, he will probably find another one to replace her. He isn't happy in your marriage and you two don't appear to have ever been on the same page about it, so he will likely continue to seek out other women to get his fix (so to speak)

 

[LaurenEliz]

10 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

Having kept it but changed the name to a man's name is NOT a good sign. In this case, it was definitely not a case of he didn't think about deleting it or it slipped his mind, etc. There is obvious intention to keep it and hide it from you.

Their lack of contact over the last 3 weeks does not mean too much. Affairs are very hot and cold. Who knows what could have transpired between them. How are you certain she does not know about the baby? Maybe she found out? And is mad? 

I saw the messages. It was all sweet and flirty. 
do you think it’s too far fetched to think he’s realised that if he does want to actually keep this person in his life he’s probably going to need to come clean about the fact we’ve had another baby and he’s gone quiet while figuring out to do that?

[Wiseman2]

How long have they had this affair? Does she know he's married? Is she married also? Do they still run into each other for work?

 

Edited November 18, 2020 by Wiseman2

[LaurenEliz]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have they had this affair? Does she know he's married? Is she married also? Do they still run into each other for work?

 

I first saw the messages in dec 2017. That’s when I caught him and confronted him. 
she knows he’s married, she’s single as far as I can gather. 

no they dont, she met him on a project but they work for completely different companies 

[Miss Spider]

1 hour ago, LaurenEliz said:

Under a mans name. But it’s on whatsapp so the photo is of her 

Whoa, okay that makes so much more sense. Thanks. So he is intentionally covering up that he has her number. More evidence he still wants to continue the affair. If it was nothing he wouldn’t have to hide it. 

 

And he doesn’t care if the number’s there?! Wow. This is much worse than just an affair 😔

[LaurenEliz]

1 minute ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Whoa, okay that makes so much more sense. Thanks. So he is intentionally covering up that he has her number. More evidence he still wants to continue the affair. If it was nothing he wouldn’t have to hide it. 

 

And he doesn’t care if the number’s there?! Wow. This is much worse than just an affair 😔

It’s me that was asking if he just doesn’t care if the numbers there or not. He’s never said that. But yes, I think it’s more than affair. The long version of my whole story is in my original thread but don’t know how to copy it but basically I found messages to this woman on his phone when we were pregnant with our first. Not an easy pregnancy and one of the messages from her to him even said if you have another baby then I’m done (I was pregnant before he met her). 
anyway called him out on the messages he ‘deleted her’ or so I thought baby was born in 2018 marriage hadn’t been great since and then I started pressuring him for another because I thought maybe it would make things better. I pushed until I got my way I hold my hands up to that. 
 

he has had her number the whole time, recently found messages after a couple of months of them not speaking, and he didn’t mention the fact I was pregnant. 
 

just had our second and the number is still there. 
 

He’s obviously scared of telling her and that’s why he hasn’t incase she does leave otherwise it’s a button on a phone he could just block her?

sorry if I haven’t been open or anything about my story it’s just I’ve got a lot on my mind and I’m wondering if it was done for good between them would he get rid of everything to do with her (ie the link to her, the number) 

[FMW]

27 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said:

I’m wondering if it was done for good between them would he get rid of everything to do with her (ie the link to her, the number) 

Yes.  

[Crazelnut]

The reason people are pushing her to do or say something is exactly because of her current state. This mess with her husband is driving her bonkers. It is unhealthy. Dealing with it won't make her mental & emotional state bad -- it already IS bad. 

[LaurenEliz]

19 minutes ago, Crazelnut said:

The reason people are pushing her to do or say something is exactly because of her current state. This mess with her husband is driving her bonkers. It is unhealthy. Dealing with it won't make her mental & emotional state bad -- it already IS bad. 

Yes I’m aware of this. Do you think it’s possible that he knows he is going to have to come clean about the fact we have had another baby and he is figuring out how to do this? I’m struggling to understand why he hasn’t just told her 

[Starswillshine]

16 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said:

Yes I’m aware of this. Do you think it’s possible that he knows he is going to have to come clean about the fact we have had another baby and he is figuring out how to do this? I’m struggling to understand why he hasn’t just told her 

He hasn't told her because he knows she will be mad. If she is mad, who knows what could happen. She could blow up his/your life. And he will lose her. And you. It is possible that he is letting things fizzle out between them so she doesn't blow up his world, but who truly knows. 

[LaurenEliz]

39 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

He hasn't told her because he knows she will be mad. If she is mad, who knows what could happen. She could blow up his/your life. And he will lose her. And you. It is possible that he is letting things fizzle out between them so she doesn't blow up his world, but who truly knows. 

I admit part of me was hoping he’s just letting it ‘fizzle out’ but why prolong it if that was really the case?

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, Crazelnut said:

The reason people are pushing her to do or say something is exactly because of her current state. It is unhealthy. Dealing with it won't make her mental & emotional state bad -- it already IS bad. 

That is completely a fair point. It's just balancing that against the many immediate and constant practical concerns of raising an infant and the prospect of doing so alone. No one is suggesting she put up with this remaining unresolved forever. In a way it's good we have Edith around as an object lesson in what theoretically might happen if this were allowed to go on indefinitely.

[Starswillshine]

11 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said:

I admit part of me was hoping he’s just letting it ‘fizzle out’ but why prolong it if that was really the case?

First, I dont want to get your hopes up that this is the case. It may not be. Who knows what is actually going on. 

But if we are working on the theory that he is letting it fizz out slowly... because she holds A LOT of power. She could ruin him, and he might be scared of that. Let it slowly fade away so her feelings aren't hurt and she is not wanting revenge. People find themselves in this situation and unsure how to get out without it blowing up in their faces. That isn't to say this is what is going on. She could just be unreachable for now. Who knows. 

[LaurenEliz]

3 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

First, I dont want to get your hopes up that this is the case. It may not be. Who knows what is actually going on. 

But if we are working on the theory that he is letting it fizz out slowly... because she holds A LOT of power. She could ruin him, and he might be scared of that. Let it slowly fade away so her feelings aren't hurt and she is not wanting revenge. People find themselves in this situation and unsure how to get out without it blowing up in their faces. That isn't to say this is what is going on. She could just be unreachable for now. Who knows. 

It’s ok. I know this isn’t the case. He knows as well as I do there’s a button on a phone to just get rid of her and he’s made the conscious decision not to do that. 
plus judging by the last messages I saw from him to her and I’m not going to go into detail but one of them said how happy he was she was in his life 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, LaurenEliz said:

I admit part of me was hoping he’s just letting it ‘fizzle out’ but why prolong it if that was really the case?

That's not what's happening here, no. 

And it wouldn't benefit you much, anyway. 

[RebeccaR]

She lives far away apparently (many hours). They don’t have many contacts in common. There’s no sign that she would or could “ruin” him - rather, she just said it would be over if they had another baby. That’s exactly why he doesn’t want to tell her - because he doesn’t want it to be over.

Look, yes there is a chance he’s letting it fizzle and he’s trying to let her down easy. But if this is the case, Lauren would be seeing other changes in his behavior. Is he kinder to her, more attentive, more amorous? Or is he still leaving for long unexplained walks and outings where he’s presumably phoning and texting his girlfriend?

I can’t imagine why Lauren doesn’t just ask him what’s going on with the girlfriend, since he has been caught before and “almost caught” a few weeks ago (I’m still curious about that incident).

[LaurenEliz]

4 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

She lives far away apparently (many hours). They don’t have many contacts in common. There’s no sign that she would or could “ruin” him - rather, she just said it would be over if they had another baby. That’s exactly why he doesn’t want to tell her - because he doesn’t want it to be over.

Look, yes there is a chance he’s letting it fizzle and he’s trying to let her down easy. But if this is the case, Lauren would be seeing other changes in his behavior. Is he kinder to her, more attentive, more amorous? Or is he still leaving for long unexplained walks and outings where he’s presumably phoning and texting his girlfriend?

I can’t imagine why Lauren doesn’t just ask him what’s going on with the girlfriend, since he has been caught before and “almost caught” a few weeks ago (I’m still curious about that incident).

If he was trying to let her down easy then he could still delete her contact details, how would she know he’s done it? I know it’s not that. 
 

there’s not much to be curious about, he knows I watch when he’s ‘online’ on whatsapp and if he isn’t in a convo with me I question it. He was ‘online’ clearly having a convo with someone (her judging by his reaction when I called him out, he got really defensive). 
 

They have no contacts in common apart from a manager of the project so I know it’s not about it fizzing our. A small naive part of me thought maybe it was but technology makes things so easy these days, one press of a button and she’d be gone. 
 

I do believe he’s worrying about telling her. 

[Starswillshine]

21 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

She lives far away apparently (many hours). They don’t have many contacts in common. There’s no sign that she would or could “ruin” him - rather, she just said it would be over if they had another baby. That’s exactly why he doesn’t want to tell her - because he doesn’t want it to be over.

Look, yes there is a chance he’s letting it fizzle and he’s trying to let her down easy. But if this is the case, Lauren would be seeing other changes in his behavior. Is he kinder to her, more attentive, more amorous? Or is he still leaving for long unexplained walks and outings where he’s presumably phoning and texting his girlfriend?

 

Being far away and having no contacts in common does not mean she cannot blow up his world. Ask me how I know? 

Lauren, do you have any social media accounts? I'm sure she knows your name and can look you up? Do you have any pictures of the new baby there where she could see? 

[RebeccaR]

It just struck me that this thread is a good response to OWs who wonder why “he suddenly went cold on me”. Well, “my wife is watching me like a hawk and I’m also busy with the new baby” might very well be the truthful answer 

[LaurenEliz]

10 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

It just struck me that this thread is a good response to OWs who wonder why “he suddenly went cold on me”. Well, “my wife is watching me like a hawk and I’m also busy with the new baby” might very well be the truthful answer 

I do watch him. I check when he’s online, I know it’s not healthy but if I see he’s online and it’s not me he’s been speaking to I quiz him

[RebeccaR]

You watch him, but even when you know he’s been communicating with her, you don’t say anything to him. You will drive yourself insane trying to PREVENT him from communicating with her, which is actually your goal. I’m really worried about you. I’m sure you don’t get much sleep from trying prevent his affair from continuing in addition to caring for the baby. This situation isn’t sustainable and just wishing it away isn’t going to work.

[spiritedaway2003]

You just had a baby so I understand you're protective of your family.  But you're asking the wrong question. 

Yes, he kept the number, but number doesn't mean anything if he's not calling it.  He could just as easily delete it and write the number on a piece of paper where you can't find it.  The phone number itself is immaterial.  His linking her number to to a different name is not a good sign -- it indicates his intent to conceal.  Whether he chooses to tell the OW about the baby isn't critical.  Maybe she's done with him.  Maybe he's done with her. Maybe it's neither.   The most probable answer is likely somewhere in between.  It's a link to her, and he doesn't want to lose it should he need to reach out to her in the future.  Does it matter still to you if he's not calling?

If you're not going to talk to him about it or if you're not quite ready, then you need to adjust your thinking.  The obsession isn't healthy for you long term.

1. Even though you admitted that it wasn't the best marriage, he still "chose" to be with you, at least in presence.  He also "chose" to have a second child (even though it was more your wants than his).  Maybe this is his way of making an effort towards the marriage or family, especially if he's making the effort to go NC.  If he's truly unhappy, he might eventually break under the weight of scrutiny just as you yourself might in time.  It almost seems you're both trying to figure out how much you can tolerate.  Given your repeated questions about the importance of the phone number, you're clearly bothered by it. 

2. Also understand that you have no control over what people do.  This is true for everyone, including that of your husband.   You CANNOT prevent him from contacting anyone he wants to - you will drive yourself mad this way.  Understand that the only control you really have is what YOU do and how you respond to the situation.  That is why advice here to you is push you to think about the longer term.  If his having her number something you can tolerate, then what would you do? 

This is not to say that your marriage is doomed.  By your own admission, it didn't sound like it was a great marriage, but perhaps this might the tipping point when you can both move into marriage counseling and figure out if the marriage can be saved.  Please don't obsess on the phone number.  Whether he kept the number or whether OW knowing you had a baby or not doesn't materially change the situation you need to face regardless.  And that is the state of your own marriage. 

Edited November 19, 2020 by spiritedaway2003

[LaurenEliz]

4 hours ago, spiritedaway2003 said:

You just had a baby so I understand you're protective of your family.  But you're asking the wrong question. 

Yes, he kept the number, but number doesn't mean anything if he's not calling it.  He could just as easily delete it and write the number on a piece of paper where you can't find it.  The phone number itself is immaterial.  His linking her number to to a different name is not a good sign -- it indicates his intent to conceal.  Whether he chooses to tell the OW about the baby isn't critical.  Maybe she's done with him.  Maybe he's done with her. Maybe it's neither.   The most probable answer is likely somewhere in between.  It's a link to her, and he doesn't want to lose it should he need to reach out to her in the future.  Does it matter still to you if he's not calling?

If you're not going to talk to him about it or if you're not quite ready, then you need to adjust your thinking.  The obsession isn't healthy for you long term.

1. Even though you admitted that it wasn't the best marriage, he still "chose" to be with you, at least in presence.  He also "chose" to have a second child (even though it was more your wants than his).  Maybe this is his way of making an effort towards the marriage or family, especially if he's making the effort to go NC.  If he's truly unhappy, he might eventually break under the weight of scrutiny just as you yourself might in time.  It almost seems you're both trying to figure out how much you can tolerate.  Given your repeated questions about the importance of the phone number, you're clearly bothered by it. 

2. Also understand that you have no control over what people do.  This is true for everyone, including that of your husband.   You CANNOT prevent him from contacting anyone he wants to - you will drive yourself mad this way.  Understand that the only control you really have is what YOU do and how you respond to the situation.  That is why advice here to you is push you to think about the longer term.  If his having her number something you can tolerate, then what would you do? 

This is not to say that your marriage is doomed.  By your own admission, it didn't sound like it was a great marriage, but perhaps this might the tipping point when you can both move into marriage counseling and figure out if the marriage can be saved.  Please don't obsess on the phone number.  Whether he kept the number or whether OW knowing you had a baby or not doesn't materially change the situation you need to face regardless.  And that is the state of your own marriage. 

Thank you for your thoughtful answer. But I wish you and others would understand and stop telling me that the number doesn’t mean anything. It does. I don’t see that number as numbers on a phone. It’s a direct link to her. It’s also something that according to him I. His mind, I think was deleted a long time ago.  
And yes it means something even if he isn’t calling it because why else would he have it? As I have said before it would make his life (and mine) easier to delete it so the fact he keeps it there tells me an awful lot.