nevrwillunderstd Posted June 19, 2020 Share Posted June 19, 2020 So the wife refuses to let me see her cell phone, (work cell but also personal) and i am at my wit's end. I have found that she kept notes on her old phone about me several years ago from our arguments & disagreements, which she acknowledges that she did but will never say the word "Yes" she did keep notes about me on her cell when i ask her about it. Also when i ask her to see her current cell she refuses and says "you don't trust me?" & "i have work stuff on my phone your not allowed to see" etc... if she truly was hiding something what would her reactions be when i ask her about looking at her cell phone? and what would she not want me to see on her phone other than the obvious inappropriate texts with the opposite sex? anyone have any advice on how to convince her to let me see it? i have exhausted every angle in talking to her about but am at my wit's end. To note: no things have not been the greatest over the past few months, but not the worse & most of the time she never listens to my opinions until she gets the same opinion from someone else Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted June 19, 2020 Share Posted June 19, 2020 Get into the cell phone call records and look for repeated phone numbers you don't recognize. Carefully check your financial records. Does she have a credit card in her name only? Buy several voice activated recorders and place them in areas where she likes to make phone calls. Hide one in her car. Consider putting a GPS in her car. I understand why you think there is something there she doesn't want you to see. She could erase all text and pictures and clean the phone up. So if she does offer, make sure you have a data recovery program ready to use. I don't see how you can make her let you see her phone except by physically taking it and that will not help your relationship. But now you are awake. Something is going on and you shouldn't rest till you find out. She is likely covering her tracks. The most direct way to put pressure on her is to assume the worst and file for divorce. You have to think carefully about what you want. Why are you asking to see her phone in the first place? Having a gut feeling? Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted June 19, 2020 Share Posted June 19, 2020 Nothing on Schlumpy as he knows I generally like his posts, but just suggest proceeding with some caution. For example, you might talk to a lawyer before doing VARs and phone recovery programs, as that may be illegal in some jurisdictions. Also one never knows and she just might take you up on a suggestion to divorce. (In which case you don't want to have to acknowledge you did something illegal, e.g. with VARs - makes you look like the bad guy, etc.) So agree you have to think carefully about your steps here; and also proceed with some level of caution. If you are truly worried then hiring a PI to keep an eye on her is another thing you could ask a lawyer about doing. That's a pretty extreme step obviously, so consider if you'd even want to, but it's clear you're quite bothered here. Generally it's worth noting that "private work stuff" shouldn't be kept on a personal phone, although no doubt people do break this rule all the time. Still, it's suspicious. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 19, 2020 Share Posted June 19, 2020 Looking at cell phone records should suffice to let you know if there's anything to worry about. Maybe she does use her phone like a diary (my daughter does this) and she just doesn't want you to see her journaling. Fair enough. She's entitled to her private thoughts and emotions even if they involve you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted June 20, 2020 Share Posted June 20, 2020 Whoa. I have been in the dating world for 20 years, have had my share of boyfriends, and never have I ever had a boyfriend demand that I hand over my cell phone so they could look at it. If they did, I would probably say no, because I think that's just weird. I'm entitled to my privacy and it doesn't mean I'm cheating. You sound very controlling. Do you have any reason to suspect that she is cheating, besides the fact that she's not handing over her phone so you can look through it? Why are you so worried that she's cheating? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 20, 2020 Share Posted June 20, 2020 My partner does not have access to my cell phone, and I do not have access to his phone. We do not share passwords and we do not read each other’s messages. I’m not sure why you feel entitled to do so. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 20, 2020 Share Posted June 20, 2020 If you're demanding access to her phone, she's correct that you don't trust her. When she accuses you of not trusting her, have you acknowledged that this is true? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 20, 2020 Share Posted June 20, 2020 The day I question my boyfriend's integrity to the point of demanding to see his phone it will mean our relationship is over. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 20, 2020 Share Posted June 20, 2020 Who owns the phone? if this was a device provided to her by her employer her showing it to you could get her fired. Then again keeping personal info on a work device could also get her fired. If your relationship is so bad that you are demanding to see her phone, just divorce already. The trust is gone & probably so is the love. My husband I will occasionally use the other's phone to make a call to someone we both know. Whichever has the most juice gets used as the navigation system on trips or to call for an Uber/Lyft and we'll hand the device to the other one to check out the cart for on-line grocery shopping before we submit the order (we do share that account so we can both always see the same info on the app) but we certainly don't scroll through. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted June 20, 2020 Share Posted June 20, 2020 47 minutes ago, Gaeta said: The day I question my boyfriend's integrity to the point of demanding to see his phone it will mean our relationship is over. 100% Agree... I've been with my girlfriend 8.5 years and I've never touched her phone. It's her property, just like I wouldn't dig around in her purse or read her journal or anything else. She doesn't snoop around on my hard drive or touch my computer. To the OP, what are you expecting to find and what will you do with the information once you find it?? Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted June 20, 2020 Share Posted June 20, 2020 8 hours ago, basil67 said: f you're demanding access to her phone, she's correct that you don't trust her. just finish with her if you don't trust her. It's weird to want to pry and control. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted June 20, 2020 Share Posted June 20, 2020 17 hours ago, schlumpy said: Get into the cell phone call records and look for repeated phone numbers you don't recognize. Carefully check your financial records. Does she have a credit card in her name only? Buy several voice activated recorders and place them in areas where she likes to make phone calls. Hide one in her car. Consider putting a GPS in her car. I understand why you think there is something there she doesn't want you to see. She could erase all text and pictures and clean the phone up. So if she does offer, make sure you have a data recovery program ready to use. Are you serious? This is completely crazy. If he feels the need to do all this, (or ANY of this) he shouldn't be with the woman. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Caauug Posted June 21, 2020 Share Posted June 21, 2020 On 6/20/2020 at 5:17 AM, nevrwillunderstd said: "you don't trust me?" You would not be asking if you did!!! This is a s*** Test to try to get you to back off by putting the guilt on to you..... On 6/20/2020 at 5:17 AM, nevrwillunderstd said: "i have work stuff on my phone your not allowed to see" Is she a Cam girl? You know what is there by her reaction to your demands to see the phone. She just proved it to you. Are you going to stand for her bad behavior? How much of her crap are you going to put up with? What are you willing to do about it? No, I do not snoop in my wife's phone, she does not snoop in mine. But if I asked to or she asked to look in mine, I expect to be able to and she should be able to mine. But if it ever came down to that I would think that there would heaps of other reasons to say good bye without looking for extra pain. On 6/20/2020 at 11:52 AM, ShyViolet said: You sound very controlling. Do you have any reason to suspect that she is cheating, besides the fact that she's not handing over her phone so you can look through it? Why are you so worried that she's cheating? ^^^^ You are correct, he is trying to get control over a situation he has no control over and is likely out of control. Why would he be worried if she is cheating??? Maybe everything he has worked for and18 years of child support for not his kid!!!! Hey, she doesn't need to keep notes on her phone about you. The female memory (99.99%) is much superior to the males, she will remember every date and time of every account you have let her down, made her angry, or discredited her. The notes will be there for someone/something else. If you have to ask for her phone, it is time to ditch that bitch!!! If there are kids, get some good DNA test done so you are not liable for the rest of your working life to her running around as a sperm receptacle. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 21, 2020 Share Posted June 21, 2020 We need some context here. Why the sudden need to see her phone? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted June 27, 2020 Share Posted June 27, 2020 I agree with @elaine567. A little context would help. But trust in a relationship goes a long way. With the exW... Both of our phones would just lay around the house, and we didn't have any locks on them. I never looked at her phone because I trusted her. But a month prior to "D Day"... she started guarding her phone. It never left her side... and she would even take it into the bathroom, and hid it when she went to bed. At that point, her actions were troubling because for the almost 20 years prior... it was where I could just grab it, and use it if needed. (Because it was just a phone in the house) The other side was... I converted from an iPhone to an Android device... and I turned on Samsung Pay. Well... to have the phone hold credit cards... you had to set a password or fingerprint. A few days after I did that... she got mad and said to me... "I thought we didn't lock our phones in this house." So... I explained why I did it and told her she can set a finger print in my phone. Needless to say... she got mad and said she didn't need to. (just trying to put blame on me) Link to post Share on other sites
OrdinaryDude Posted July 1, 2020 Share Posted July 1, 2020 nevrwillunderstd, as a BS that has been reconciling for some time, I can say this. While I can tell you directly what you must do, I can say what I would do in my particular situation. My WW knows in no uncertain terms I will never accept her hiding anything from me in her social media, email, phone, computer, etc...it’s a direct path to divorce with zero possibility of further reconciliation. Anytime a spouse feels they must hide anything from you (other than spoiling a birthday surprise etc) then there is deceit involved and they know it. Any excuse is simply a lie. Ultimately you must decide what you are willing to accept or reject from your spouse, but I recommend that you reject her wayward behavior, even if it means divorce...children or no children. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OrdinaryDude Posted July 1, 2020 Share Posted July 1, 2020 I can’t seem to find the edit tab on my post above, so I’ll add this...it’s supposed to read that “I can’t tell you directly what you must do” Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted July 10, 2020 Share Posted July 10, 2020 On 6/19/2020 at 5:17 PM, nevrwillunderstd said: So the wife refuses to let me see her cell phone, (work cell but also personal) and i am at my wit's end. I have found that she kept notes on her old phone about me several years ago from our arguments & disagreements, which she acknowledges that she did but will never say the word "Yes" she did keep notes about me on her cell when i ask her about it. Also when i ask her to see her current cell she refuses and says "you don't trust me?" & "i have work stuff on my phone your not allowed to see" etc... if she truly was hiding something what would her reactions be when i ask her about looking at her cell phone? and what would she not want me to see on her phone other than the obvious inappropriate texts with the opposite sex? anyone have any advice on how to convince her to let me see it? i have exhausted every angle in talking to her about but am at my wit's end. To note: no things have not been the greatest over the past few months, but not the worse & most of the time she never listens to my opinions until she gets the same opinion from someone else I don't understand why you're adamant about seeing her phone, nor how it's comfortable to be in a relationship where you have to do this. Also, if you have to force someone to let you see....how does that make you feel secure or better? I guarantee looking into her phone won't make you feel better. Before long you're going to want to do it again and again and there are bigger issues here. I understand reconciling, but this isn't the way. In general, relationships are free will and choice and people choosing to do right by you. If they're not, you can choose to leave but you can't force fidelity or force them to behave a certain way or monitor everything they do....that's not a relationship. No one will be happy with that. Not you, not her. Link to post Share on other sites
sothereiwas Posted July 10, 2020 Share Posted July 10, 2020 I have stuff on my electronic devices that I can't legally divulge to anyone. That's life sometimes. Link to post Share on other sites
oldtruck Posted July 13, 2020 Share Posted July 13, 2020 where there is smoke there is fire those that have nothing to hide, hide nothing Link to post Share on other sites
sothereiwas Posted July 13, 2020 Share Posted July 13, 2020 They're known as NDAs, and they are legally binding. Link to post Share on other sites
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