How do I show my wife I value her thoughts

[Wanttoimprove123]

I have been with my wife over 26 years, and we've been married over 20 years, and there have been many times that when she suggests that something be done, or be done a certain way, I either challenge it saying why it's not a good idea, or say something else that comes off as contradictory. She says this makes her feel bad, and that she feels like I don't think she's smart, and that I think I'm smarter than her. I definitely think she's a very smart woman, and I believe that I value what she has to say. I have been trying to think before I speak, but there are still times that I slip and react in the contradictory way again, which causes her to think that I am not capable of change.

A couple more things, she grew up in a very unsupportive home, and our pre-teen/teen children are also contradictory to her (and to me for that matter), so it is a bad example to them when I am contradictory to her.

I really want to change and make her feel like what she has to say is valued by me and the kids, but I'm not sure what to do besides try to pause and think before I speak. Any help would be appreciated, thank you.

[schlumpy]

I'd like to ask you a question.

If you suggest a project where your wife has superior knowledge, does she not do the same to you?

People have different abilities and talents.

If it's a common project like for the house then it should be a collaborative effort.

When deep rooted insecurity is involved it's a no-win scenario. If you approve of her project or idea knowing it will fail, then you will get blamed for that also. 

If she can't rise above her feelings then you will have to compensate by being condescending. It's irritating but not the end of the world.

[Emilie Jolie]

7 hours ago, Wanttoimprove123 said:

there have been many times that when she suggests that something be done, or be done a certain way, I either challenge it saying why it's not a good idea, or say something else that comes off as contradictory.

Not sure what sort of 'something' you are talking about but either way,  you may need to learn develop ways to tell your wife the same thing, but with a positive twist. Find something good about her suggestions and brainstorm together how to make it work for you both, for instance. You want to approach it as a team effort rather than a you're wrong / I'm right kind of thing. 

If she says 'I think we should paint the living room in neon green tomorrow', you could say something like 'the living room definitely needs repainting soon, great idea; how about we look at some colour schemes together and find something we both like?' or something along those lines.

It's not about being condescending or passive aggressive, it's just about turning it into a collaborative, inclusive discussion in which you make her understand her thoughts are valued.

[understand50]

How about by your actions?  Everything else is just window dressing.

I wish you luck.

[Lotsgoingon]

Sounds to me like as a young man you got into a terrible habit and she didn't call you on it. Seems that you think marriages resolve problems based on the person with the best ideas.  You are treating your marriage like you and your wife are opposing lawyers in a court litigation where the most persuasive "lawyer" wins. Wrong.

Marriage is a compromise. It's not your job to evaluate her ideas.  And she doesn't owe you good reasons for her feelings and preferences.  You want to go to France. She wants to go to Greece. You don't try to persuade her that going to France is better. All you can do is say why YOU prefer going to France, right? And you want to find out why she doesn't want to go to France and why she prefers Greece. I don't mean you force her to justify her preference. I mean that you listen deeply and quietly to understand her deeper thinking—so you can better work with her. So, she says she wants to go to Greece. Your job is to listen and to shut up and start thinking about perhaps bartering. You ask her if she's willing to spend a few days in France and then you go to Greece. Or you agree to go to Greece (because you see that this is important to her and you want her to be happy) ... and you ask her if she's willing to go to France in a future trip.  Or you just compromise .... with the awareness that later she'll embark on an activity that you prefer (and she doesn't).  

She doesn't owe you justification for her ideas or preferences. It's enough that she prefers one thing or another. Once you marry, you agree to compromise fully ... meaning other person gets their way 50 percent of the time. 

You could benefit from observing some other couples, especially some old couples. They do NOT try to change each other's minds. They rather keep in their minds they like X and I like Y and we have to compromise to get the relationship to work.  They go out to a restaurant and one orders X and the other orders Y. What you're doing is the equivalent of trying to tell someone that their selection of food at a restaurant is bad and that your preference is better. I have a close friend who is much more scared (because of the virus) to go out and about than I am. I'm not trying to persuade her to change her mind. I accept that this is her view and I like her and respect her and so we've been talking a lot online rather than hanging out because I don't want her to go out if she's scared to go out. (Sure, she’s being cautious here, but there will be other times when I’m the cautious one and I’ll want her to work around my fears.)

I trust that you are sincere in thinking you respect your wife's intelligence, but I can gather 100 people and 99 of them, if not 100, would say you certainly do not act like you respect her intelligence.  And if I gathered 100 women, 150 of them would recoil at your behavior and think you're acting like a controlling jerk.

Anyway, you still got time to change. You unfortunately seem to have gotten into a really bad habit early on and missed the boat as far as relationship compromise. And she failed to challenge you early on. But dude, stop this. She will end up hating you if you don’t--and understandably so. 

By the way, why be married to someone if you always want to change the way they think? Why not go out and find someone whose thinking you appreciate?

[mark clemson]

On 6/20/2020 at 8:40 PM, Wanttoimprove123 said:

I really want to change and make her feel like what she has to say is valued by me and the kids, but I'm not sure what to do besides try to pause and think before I speak. Any help would be appreciated, thank you.

Don't just pause. Listen and don't speak. Then say "sounds good, honey".

If she asks for more feedback just say that yes, you think her plan of action etc is a good one and you're looking forward to seeing the outcomes etc.

You might consider researching the chinese concept of "wu wei" and seeing how it might bring increased domestic harmony into your relationship.

Only giving ideas for improvements if they're truly necessary might seem a bit extreme, but it's clear a situation's been created that you must now overcompensate for in order to correct it.

[deepthinking]

Flowers sent weekly are called for. I agree you need better {politer?} talk as well. But the weekly blooms put the new-style talk in  a romantic context. Makes sure you show love.

[Hopeful30]

On 6/21/2020 at 7:22 AM, Emilie Jolie said:

Not sure what sort of 'something' you are talking about but either way,  you may need to learn develop ways to tell your wife the same thing, but with a positive twist. Find something good about her suggestions and brainstorm together how to make it work for you both, for instance. You want to approach it as a team effort rather than a you're wrong / I'm right kind of thing. 

If she says 'I think we should paint the living room in neon green tomorrow', you could say something like 'the living room definitely needs repainting soon, great idea; how about we look at some colour schemes together and find something we both like?' or something along those lines.

It's not about being condescending or passive aggressive, it's just about turning it into a collaborative, inclusive discussion in which you make her understand her thoughts are valued.

This 😍🙏

[Hopeful30]

On 6/23/2020 at 9:57 PM, Lotsgoingon said:

Sounds to me like as a young man you got into a terrible habit and she didn't call you on it. Seems that you think marriages resolve problems based on the person with the best ideas.  You are treating your marriage like you and your wife are opposing lawyers in a court litigation where the most persuasive "lawyer" wins. Wrong.

Marriage is a compromise. It's not your job to evaluate her ideas.  And she doesn't owe you good reasons for her feelings and preferences.  You want to go to France. She wants to go to Greece. You don't try to persuade her that going to France is better. All you can do is say why YOU prefer going to France, right? And you want to find out why she doesn't want to go to France and why she prefers Greece. I don't mean you force her to justify her preference. I mean that you listen deeply and quietly to understand her deeper thinking—so you can better work with her. So, she says she wants to go to Greece. Your job is to listen and to shut up and start thinking about perhaps bartering. You ask her if she's willing to spend a few days in France and then you go to Greece. Or you agree to go to Greece (because you see that this is important to her and you want her to be happy) ... and you ask her if she's willing to go to France in a future trip.  Or you just compromise .... with the awareness that later she'll embark on an activity that you prefer (and she doesn't).  

She doesn't owe you justification for her ideas or preferences. It's enough that she prefers one thing or another. Once you marry, you agree to compromise fully ... meaning other person gets their way 50 percent of the time. 

You could benefit from observing some other couples, especially some old couples. They do NOT try to change each other's minds. They rather keep in their minds they like X and I like Y and we have to compromise to get the relationship to work.  They go out to a restaurant and one orders X and the other orders Y. What you're doing is the equivalent of trying to tell someone that their selection of food at a restaurant is bad and that your preference is better. I have a close friend who is much more scared (because of the virus) to go out and about than I am. I'm not trying to persuade her to change her mind. I accept that this is her view and I like her and respect her and so we've been talking a lot online rather than hanging out because I don't want her to go out if she's scared to go out. (Sure, she’s being cautious here, but there will be other times when I’m the cautious one and I’ll want her to work around my fears.)

I trust that you are sincere in thinking you respect your wife's intelligence, but I can gather 100 people and 99 of them, if not 100, would say you certainly do not act like you respect her intelligence.  And if I gathered 100 women, 150 of them would recoil at your behavior and think you're acting like a controlling jerk.

Anyway, you still got time to change. You unfortunately seem to have gotten into a really bad habit early on and missed the boat as far as relationship compromise. And she failed to challenge you early on. But dude, stop this. She will end up hating you if you don’t--and understandably so. 

By the way, why be married to someone if you always want to change the way they think? Why not go out and find someone whose thinking you appreciate?

Sounds to me like defensiveness, although against what, only OP knows. We must consider that these behavioural habits form over time. 

OP, consider you childhood experiences. What was the marriage between your parents like? You grew up within a relationship like this, is it possible you perpetuate this in your existing relationships, too? We don't always recognize when we do it (meditation anyone?). Consider this as a factor in how you perceive your relationship. In which ways do you feel deprived or neglected?

[curlygirl40]

Well my first response to your question would be that you show her that you value her thoughts with actually valuing her thoughts.

I have this problem in reverse with my bf of 3 years.   Not that I'm smarter, lol, I'm not.   But our minds work differently.    He tends to be very methodical, wants to look at every option and research every way and think through every scenario.   I think very quickly and just want to get to work.  Even if it's wrong, let's do something and learn from our mistakes.   In talking about a project let's say.   

What I will do sometimes is just keep my mouth shut and let him go through the process.  'O.K honey, that sounds like it might work' and then just sit back and remember all of his other good qualities while he goes through the motions and figures it out himself.     I will also, in conversation with other couples let's say, make this point.    I will point out that we think very differently when it comes to doing projects together, he does it this way and I find I do it that way.    This thought process takes the blame out of it.   So it's not that you are smarter or she is unintelligent, it's just 2 different ways of looking at things.   So not better or worse, but different.   So keep that in mind.  Maybe this one little switch of the brain will help you actually listen to her and let her contribute.   Also sometimes she might be right.   lol   There are times in my mind I think he's wrong and the way he wanted to do it worked out perfectly and I be sure to praise him and thank him for coming up with that idea.

We did a huge project this spring, I had the idea of how it should go.  He went through his process, trying so hard to save us money and do it differently, even though I knew none of his ideas would work.  Last weekend when we were talking about the project to our friends, he said 'it took me a while to see that her way was going to be better, but she was patient with me and waited for me to see that'.   He was kind of joking with our friends.  And I chimed in and said 'I appreciated the fact that you were trying to save us money'.   So now we both walk away feeling good about it.  He's making me look good by saying my way ended up working out, but I praised him for trying to help us save some money.  

Last weekend I had an idea to set up a game in my driveway for our family picnic (fowling, look into it, very fun) but we were pressed for time.   So I was in the kitchen finishing up the food and I put him to the task of setting up the game.   Later, he says 'do you want to take a look to be sure I did it the way you were thinking?" and I was like 'no, I'm sure it's good because you always think things through when you do things, I'm sure it's better than I would have done'.     Giving him a little praise about how his mind works.   

That's the best advice I can give without having examples of exactly the sort of things you're talking about.   

Edited July 8, 2020 by curlygirl40
More thoughts, so many thoughts