dragonwalker Posted June 21, 2020 Share Posted June 21, 2020 I’m a 32-year-old male and I think I have a problem. No, it’s not my age or gender but it got me thinking. My dating life sucks. It has been for as long as I can remember and basically non-existent. Part of the reason is I don’t get out as much or approach people. I have consistently used OkCupid and on and off match.com. I’d like to find something more long term. I live in Los Angeles so there are plenty of people but I feel incompatible with so many. For example, I always get this feeling people like to give off the vibe that they are calm, casual, and carefree. I’m different; I’m more intense, serious, pragmatic, anxious, frugal, up tight oh and I am and look geeky. I’ve tried over the years to be more relaxed and carefree and to some extent I think it has worked. I make friends relatively easily but therein lies the issue I’m always seen as just the reliable friend. I’d like to meet someone not really like myself to perhaps experience a part of life I have difficulty experiencing. I use to think that having a stable and reliable job, being responsible, work hard at life and goals would lead to social success but I sometimes feel badly misled. I’ve even seen a psychologist in the past about my anxiety in finding relationships and the conclusion was there is fundamentally nothing wrong with me and it would just take more time. I thought perhaps this was more likely in my 20s but not in my 30s I feel I’m in the same rut. I can’t believe that it’s just a matter of going out more and then magically bumping into people. If that were true I feel just in the decade + of my dating life I would have more than literally a handful of encounters. I see people all the time that seem to defy the so called conventional wisdom be so successful dating or finding someone. Now on a practical level I mentioned I was frugal and I don’t like spending money on things I don’t need which perhaps might give the impression that I have less means financially. I do have a decent job and fortunately I’ve done well on the market over these past 10 years where I’m thinking of purchasing a home. Besides the other benefits I wonder if that would change things for me in the dating world? I’m really not sure because there have only been a handful of women I’ve met where I stayed was even known! I think though this line of thinking is just more on the lines of the classic have more money = more success with women. But from what I see this is untrue! I see so many with nothing but they seem to have found cupid arrow with someone. I also don’t think this is a situation where my standards are to high. I’m practical and I understand the range of people that I would most likely find someone in but no Bueno! Can any of you folks relate or have some other advice than just keep chugging away at the same thing. Isn’t that the definition of insanity? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted June 21, 2020 Share Posted June 21, 2020 4 hours ago, dragonwalker said: I use to think that having a stable and reliable job, being responsible, work hard at life and goals would lead to social success but I sometimes feel badly misled. Misled by who? You do have social success if you have friends. I've got lots of friends and acquaintances but I am finding I have to be very up front with what I want with romance, it's not as subtle as it used to be because so many people just have the sex now without much of a relationship. I can be intense and serious too so I keep reminding myself dates ( or calls during Covid ) are meant to be fun. I do think having a stable successful life is important to a woman looking to get married and have children, being happy yourself then going out to look for someone to be happy alongside. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 21, 2020 Share Posted June 21, 2020 Get off OLD. Once it's safe to do so again join groups that interest you in real life. Meet like minded people that way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dragonwalker Posted June 21, 2020 Author Share Posted June 21, 2020 5 hours ago, Ellener said: Misled by who? You do have social success if you have friends. I've got lots of friends and acquaintances but I am finding I have to be very up front with what I want with romance, it's not as subtle as it used to be because so many people just have the sex now without much of a relationship. I can be intense and serious too so I keep reminding myself dates ( or calls during Covid ) are meant to be fun. I do think having a stable successful life is important to a woman looking to get married and have children, being happy yourself then going out to look for someone to be happy alongside. Misled might be to strong of a word but what I mean by this are the countless examples of people I know that don't have stable jobs, income, and responsibility and have no problem whatsoever finding someone. I was led to believe that having those practical foundations in place leads to success socially. When in reality it's more instinctual, simple and carnal. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author dragonwalker Posted June 21, 2020 Author Share Posted June 21, 2020 56 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: Get off OLD. Once it's safe to do so again join groups that interest you in real life. Meet like minded people that way. It's funny you should mention that. I don't have to many social hobbies but one of my main ones is playing board games where I go and play with groups of other people at meetups and conventions. A good number of women play although mostly men. I have tried a few times to make inroads but for various reasons it didn't work. Ironically the most recent time and I think the best opportunity came up right before COVID went big in February and basically shut down the opportunity when I tried to invite her to an event. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SumGuy Posted June 22, 2020 Share Posted June 22, 2020 (edited) 10 hours ago, dragonwalker said: It's funny you should mention that. I don't have to many social hobbies but one of my main ones is playing board games where I go and play with groups of other people at meetups and conventions. A good number of women play although mostly men. I have tried a few times to make inroads but for various reasons it didn't work. Ironically the most recent time and I think the best opportunity came up right before COVID went big in February and basically shut down the opportunity when I tried to invite her to an event. Those sound like good things to do. I also wouldn’t rule out OLD but tailor it to the home run, don’t hide your geek or serious side. Don’t try to appeal to all people, appeal to your people. There are so many people in LA, your people are there. Besides OLD it sounds like you have a social circle, can they help introduce you? Does your social circle go with you to conventions? That is a very helpful with meeting women at conventions. There is also a large overlap of the film industry and geek, know a couple older 20 somethings who can attest to that. Film folks can be serious and tense...especially the ones originally from NYC Edited June 22, 2020 by SumGuy Link to post Share on other sites
SumGuy Posted June 22, 2020 Share Posted June 22, 2020 (edited) I guess I am saying. Be passionate about being you...as you seems to be moving in fine circles. Yes material and status stuff is not the end all be all in your circle, be grateful. I suspect vision, passion and making count for more. Material success is a by product, hard work is just to realize the vision. Also don’t discount being considered a valuable friend, friends help friends, yours I hope are also looking out for you Edited June 22, 2020 by SumGuy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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