Reached the limit with my narcissistic mom

[girlnextdoor2020]

I've had a terrible childhood due to having a narcissistic neurotic mom and an emotionally unavailable avoidant father.

My father passed away many years ago, and I went to live abroad for many years and returned last year to my country near where my mom lives. She was of course very happy to have me and my 9 year old daughter near. She was always open to help me in staying with my daughter for me to rest or to go somewhere, etc, which I thank her, until the day I finally saw the pattern and what's going on.

She never knew what boundaries are, and she has this sense of entitlement, like she's entitled to go on holidays with me and my daughter, go with us everywhere we go, and like there's no real separation from her and us.

And she always used something she thinks I need in order to keep a co-dependent relationship between us. When I was little, it was the fact I needed her because I was little. Later it was because I wasn't working and didn't have money, now that she doesn't have any of those things, it's helping with my daughter.

She has been abusive and annoying me to say the least, even shouted to my daughter. 

But to me yesterday was the final straw. She invited us to have dinner at hers, and we took our dog (a 7 month old puppy) that she really loves. I told her many many many times to not feed the dog our food because he can't eat it. 

So we were art the dinner table eating roast chicken, and she gave a small piece to the puppy. I told her to please don't do that again because it's bad for the dog. And she goes and does it again! In front of my face!

I got really pis*** off and told her off, to which she responded with a tantrum like she turned into a 3 year old. She even put her fingers in her ears in like "I can't hear you". So she started shouting that I have no right to tell her off, that she is at her house she can do whatever she wants, that I'm the one in the wrong, etc. WOW! 

She even said I told her off because I have a depression!

First of all, she shouldn't have done that when I asked her not to because it's not her dog, and she's crossing my boundaries. But it could have been easily solved if she had said something like 'I'm sorry", instead of acting like a 3 year old. Then she said she is not going with us to the beach the next day, and we left to go back to our house.

Later she sent a message asking what time are we going to the beach and that she also wants to go. I responded to her that I prefer to go just me and my daughter, she said ok and I haven't heard from her anymore, when every day she would start the day by saying good morning.

I finally realised the pattern, and I don't really need her help with my daughter. I lived abroad as a single mom many years without no one's help (my daughter's dad is away in another country). So no the cycle of she using me needing her and the toxic co-dependency is over.

I have built a calm, peaceful and loving home for me and my daughter and I only have nice people in my life, I don't have any need or interest of going through this sh** in my life with her. She is not going to change ever, and she puts everyone away with her entitled behaviour, like it's never her fault on anything, it's always other people who don't respect her.

I am not going to completely cut contact with her, but it will be minimal. I am fed up of her sense of entitlement and my pattern of catering to it.

Thank you for reading! Any advice?

Edited June 21, 2020 by girlnextdoor2020

[Mystery4u]

I have to ask.. why exactly can't your dog eat chicken? Does it have a specific allergy or something?

Because as far as I know you can give a dog chicken no problem and they love it.

[girlnextdoor2020]

3 minutes ago, Mystery4u said:

I have to ask.. why exactly can't your dog eat chicken? Does it have a specific allergy or something?

Because as far as I know you can give a dog chicken no problem and they love it.

Because he is a puppy and our vet advised us to not feed any of our food, especially in the first year. I explained this to my mom, but she doesn't care.

Edited June 21, 2020 by girlnextdoor2020

[Tamfana]

Is she taking care of your child?  If so, how much, how many hours a week?

I should add, I have a mom with a personality disorder (long story).  I'm 60 and she's 88.  I'm leaning toward saying, cut her off now and move away.  😬

 

Edited June 21, 2020 by Tamfana

[girlnextdoor2020]

Just now, Tamfana said:

Is she taking care of your child?  If so, how much, how many hours a week?

 

She is not taking care of my child. My daughter would stay there with her if I needed to go somewhere or do something, that's it. But even that was stressful because she would get into arguments with my daughter and start shouting at her.

[Tamfana]

Okay, great.  She'll affect your child.  If she's as bad as my mom.  

I look back and wish I had separated much more decades ago.  She has gotten much more damaging, dishonest, mean, and frankly, expensive, as she's aged.  Only two people other than me still interact with her and one's nuts.  I don't think people like our moms are capable of respecting other people- and that can get much worse.  It's sad but too damaging to others. 

Edited June 21, 2020 by Tamfana

[ShyViolet]

You have no obligation to keep her in your life just because she's your biological mother.  When family members are disrespectful, emotionally abusive, or have mental problems that negatively affect us, we have every right to distance ourselves from them or cut them out of our life completely in order to protect ourselves and preserve our own mental health.  My Dad has had a pattern of being very emotionally and verbally abusive and has mental health issues that he never sought or wanted help with, so I made a conscious decision to distance myself from him and even completely stopped talking to him for months at a time.  I refuse to compromise my mental health and keep a toxic person in my life.  Don't let other people tell you that you "HAVE" to stay involved with someone out of obligation just because they are your parent.  That's not how it works.

[girlnextdoor2020]

13 hours ago, Tamfana said:

Okay, great.  She'll affect your child.  If she's as bad as my mom.  

I look back and wish I had separated much more decades ago.  She has gotten much more damaging, dishonest, mean, and frankly, expensive, as she's aged.  Only two people other than me still interact with her and one's nuts.  I don't think people like our moms are capable of respecting other people- and that can get much worse.  It's sad but too damaging to others. 

You are right. She still has the exact same patterns as when I was a child. But I am not a child anymore and do not want that in my life. I live a peaceful life with my daughter and don't want anything toxic to disturb it.

Even my mom's sisters avoid her, and only get together very rarely. I am going to do the same.

[girlnextdoor2020]

12 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

You have no obligation to keep her in your life just because she's your biological mother.  When family members are disrespectful, emotionally abusive, or have mental problems that negatively affect us, we have every right to distance ourselves from them or cut them out of our life completely in order to protect ourselves and preserve our own mental health.  My Dad has had a pattern of being very emotionally and verbally abusive and has mental health issues that he never sought or wanted help with, so I made a conscious decision to distance myself from him and even completely stopped talking to him for months at a time.  I refuse to compromise my mental health and keep a toxic person in my life.  Don't let other people tell you that you "HAVE" to stay involved with someone out of obligation just because they are your parent.  That's not how it works.

You are right, and it seems she thinks I do have that obligation and that she is entitled to be with me and my daughter all the time, go everywhere we go, etc. She doesn't understand that if she goes it's because I am allowing and should feel grateful, not because she is entitled to it or I have any obligation to do it.

I have worked hard to have my own business and have a peaceful life with my daughter, and only accept people who are in that same energy: peaceful, positive, healthy. Everything else stays out.

She even gets mad at my daughter all the time, for my daughter doing things that are normal for her age, and shouts at her, saying she is this and that. She even said I don't educate my daughter well. My daughter is a smart and sweet girl and very secure in who she is for her age, she is not here to please anyone or behave like my mom expects her to behave. It was the same pattern with me, she killed my self-esteem when I was little because I didn't behave like she wanted, so I was this and that. No she is not going to do that to my daughter.

I am not going to cut her off completely, but it will be rare to get together again and very limited. And in public only.

Edited June 22, 2020 by girlnextdoor2020

[d0nnivain]

You have known for a while that you need better boundaries with her.  When you set them you will be happier.  Because she is your mother I agree that completely cutting her off isn't the answer but I would limit visits to holidays.   When I set boundaries with my own mom I felt so much better.  One of the things I had to learn to do was only whisper around her.  The louder she yelled, the quieter I got.  Frustrated the hell out of my mom but gave me a freeing sense of power.  Try it. I also broke my parents of feeding  the dog things he shouldn't eat by making them pay the vet bill when he got sick after they fed him people food he couldn't tolerate.