Is there any chance of fixing this broken engagement? he hasn't blocked me on social yet. but says he is done with me. for his kids?

[sunnygirl00]

I had a horrible argument (one of many every week) with my partner. We live together but he has another home, as well through his family.

He spoke to me extremely disrespectfully and told me that I was crazy and mocked me. I told him do not speak to me that way. He blew up and said he will talk to me any way he choses to….and that I will never tell him how to act.

He's said over the past few weeks:
"you are crazy.
You are insane.
You are sick in the head.
Your life is a disaster.
Life with you is a fuc*ing nightmare.
This is the worst relationship i've never been in ...in my life.
You are not to my liking.
I can't handle your tears and anxiety...it makes me want to move to Alaska to get as far as possible.. away from you..
You make me want to RUN from you...
You think I'm going to MARRY?! you...are INSANE.

You cause every problem that's ever happened in your life -- YOU are the problem.

You've ruined my life.  No one wants to be around me because they know how horrible you are.....

etc. etc. etc.  

It blew up from there. For months he’s been threatening to leave me…during arguments and even said he wish he had the balls to leave me and show me real pain. He also told me that he would leave me when I least expected it and it would destroy me most.

So that fight about how he spoke to me …led down a bad road. After awhile (and a few glasses of wine for courage) I finally told him to leave. He kept asking if I meant it and I said yes, that he keeps saying he wants to leave anyway…so just put me out of my misery. It was ugly and I finally said just go…. you clearly want to.

So he did. He packed up and started to leave and once I saw he had left I tried calling him and texting him. He said that he was done. That I had FINALLY done it.

I said you’ve been trying to leave me for months and that I finally called his bluff, but that I loved him and I would like to talk this out. I asked him and BEGGED him to come back. He said “hahahah”. And said after a few texts “fuc* you”

I was devastated and I kept trying to get him to talk to me and he said no. So we went over a day without speaking and I finally emailed him and apologized again but told him I couldn’t handle his emotional abuse anymore. i told him I love him and want to speak to him and I will make changes to fix my own behavior.

He said no. He said he’s broken but he’s too broken to come back to me. That he can’t do this anymore and he’s already with his family and there’s too much damage with them now…for him to take me back.

This has left me begging. I told him if he wanted to block me on facebook (he still shows us as engaged and our photos) to tell me and he said he wasn’t doing that because he doesn’t “hate me”. but that I need to accept the fact that it’s over.

I said I’m so confused. You tell me it’s over and you are going to leave me for over a year…during each and every fight and NOW it’s really over and you won’t speak to me?

It’s all a mess. But I’m heartbroken. I told him I want to come to him and talk to him. He said no. He said there’s too much damage now with his family and his children (all over 23) need him…and that they’ve stayed with him every day for the last week and he needs to be there for them.

I am a mess. I know that the relationship was a problem but I truly thought with his constant threats of leaving that HE wanted to leave ME — and now he’s saying it’s me. The fact that “I” kicked him out …did him in.

I begged him back again today and he said that he had an amazing father’s day with his kids today and he realized he needs to prioritize them (again 23, 24 and 25 years old). And that he did a lot of damage to them over the last 4 years by prioritizing me over them.

Yet, he still has me on facebook as his fiance and hasn’t blocked me. Yet he went and posted about his amazing father’s day with his kids and his parents and of course didn’t mention me.

he told me in his email that I should go find friends and make a new life. That he’s so broken and unable to do anything now other than be with his children.

Yet, we still have some things that we share together and he’s not mentioned how we will handle them whatsoever.

Every day I have texted him “good morning i love you” “please talk to me”. etc. And all i get back is that he needs his children and that he never wanted to leave me ….but he HAS TO now…since I told him to leave (after he threatened to leave me almost daily over the past few months).

How do I deal with this? Is there any hope? I am HEARTBROKEN - and I was indeed emotionally abused before….

Edited June 22, 2020 by sunnygirl00

[basil67]

sunnygirl, I'm so sorry you've been through this.   As much as you can't feel it now, this relationship needed to end.   His behaviour was abusive.  Perhaps yours was too? Or not.  You don't say....but either way, you need to be away from this.

Have you done any therapy with a psychologist?  If not, it's time to start to repair all the brokenness which has you finding yourself in this situation.    In the meantime, keep posting here.  

[sunnygirl00]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

sunnygirl, I'm so sorry you've been through this.   As much as you can't feel it now, this relationship needed to end.   His behaviour was abusive.  Perhaps yours was too? Or not.  You don't say....but either way, you need to be away from this.

Have you done any therapy with a psychologist?  If not, it's time to start to repair all the brokenness which has you finding yourself in this situation.    In the meantime, keep posting here.  

 

Thanks for your reply.  No, I've been through some therapy this week and I don't think I was abusive.  I was just getting colder and stronger about my replies to HIS abuse.  And it was starting to anger him because I was going to therapy and I was talking more about my opinions.  It just isn't a good situation when I speak up for him.....he even admits he is a narcassist.

But I keep wanting to fix this.  I wish I could do so... this pain is unbearable but I realize that sounds silly since there was so much drama.  

[basil67]

Glad to hear that you weren't abusive to him.  The first step, if you haven't already done so, is to stop apologising.  You've done nothing to apologise for.  You were absolutely, 100% right to end this.    And for all the bad he's done, he's 100% right to stay away.  This was a toxic environment which needed to end.  

I'm guessing pain you're feeling is probably grief for the "could have been" rather than what you actually had.  Your dreams and hopes that it will get better have been dashed.  What you're feeling is normal. 

[pepperbird]

op,

h was an abuser, plain and simple. Ignore his self diagnosis of being a narcissist. That word is thrown around so much today, it doesn't mean anything any more.

I know you're hurting, but try and get your dignity back. Stop calling him, stop texting him, stop begging him to get back with you. I'm not saying that to be mean, but I've been where you are, except is was physical/ verbal abuse. The verbal hurt worse, because physical wounds heal, emotional ones? It can take a lot.

This guy really does sound like he has a lot of problems. When you say he is living with his family, what do you mean? His parents? His ex ? other relatives?

[sunnygirl00]

6 minutes ago, pepperbird said:

Thanks it helps me to wake up and read stuff like this instead of pining for him again... No, he has his own place near his family.  He's over 50 and he has 3 kids...22, 24 and 25.  And he has said that they all needed him so badly and he realized all the damage that he did to them by putting me over them.  And that they stayed with him all week and tried to cheer him up and avoid going back to me.  He said one of his daughters "made him a card" that made him cry and he has seen so much good out his kids and he needs to prioritize them now.  UMMM sure, but they are in their 20s!  It's not like they are in their teens.  They are just around because of COVID and college is out of session.   

 

6 minutes ago, pepperbird said:

 

op,

h was an abuser, plain and simple. Ignore his self diagnosis of being a narcissist. That word is thrown around so much today, it doesn't mean anything any more.

I know you're hurting, but try and get your dignity back. Stop calling him, stop texting him, stop begging him to get back with you. I'm not saying that to be mean, but I've been where you are, except is was physical/ verbal abuse. The verbal hurt worse, because physical wounds heal, emotional ones? It can take a lot.

This guy really does sound like he has a lot of problems. When you say he is living with his family, what do you mean? His parents? His ex ? other relatives?

 

[BaileyB]

9 hours ago, sunnygirl00 said:

He spoke to me extremely disrespectfully and told me that I was crazy and mocked me. 

This is where I basically stopped reading. 

Sunnygirl, you need to let this man go. This is not a healthy relationship for you. Someone who loves you doesn’t treat you this way. 

Best to find yourself a counsellor and learn what you need to change such that you can find a healthy relationship for yourself in the future. As they say, your picker is definitely off. But more than that, you need to ask yourself why you stay when a man treats you badly. You’ve clearly found yourself in a bit of a pattern... Good luck. 

Edited June 22, 2020 by BaileyB

[sunnygirl00]

7 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

This is where I basically stopped reading. 

Sunnygirl, you need to let this man go. This is not a healthy relationship for you. Someone who loves you doesn’t treat you this way. 

Best to find yourself a counsellor and learn what you need to change such that you can find a healthy relationship for yourself in the future. As they say, your picker is definitely off. But more than that, you need to ask yourself why you stay when a man treats you badly. You’ve clearly found yourself in a bit of a pattern... Good luck. 

Thank you for pointing that out.   He was disrespectful and I said "do not speak to me like that" and he said with rage ..."I will talk to you any way I fuc*ing want to ...you aren't my fuc*ing mother, get that through your head.

So that was the moment where I just said -- this has gone on long enough.   And that's the least of the things he's said disrepectfully to me...  

Thank you for helping me because I am now sitting here wishing I never told him to leave...  but that was the last and final trigger for me.  He saw that I was starting to go to theapy and get stronger and he hated it.  

[BaileyB]

Abusers hate it when their victim stands up to their abuse. He has a vested interest in putting you down and isolating you so that he can maintain control. Run, don’t walk, away from this guy... keep up with the counselling. 

Edited June 22, 2020 by BaileyB

[d0nnivain]

Hope for what?  That you could end up married to a man who doesn't like you, who doesn't respect you, who belittles you,  who you fight with daily?  Why would you hope for that? 

The end of a relationship is hard.  Change is hard but staying in an emotionally dysfunctional  situation is unhealthy.  

I have anxiety too & this lockdown has exacerbated my issues.  DH doesn't understand & we have had a fight about it when I had a panic attack & he thought I was overreacting but he didn't belittle me. He tried to help once he figured out how serious it was.  

Staying with this man would be a mistake.  At this point you have to talk to settle the living arrangements, end the engagement & disentangle your lives but there is no reason you should remain connected on social media.  As soon as you straighten out the above, go NC & be done.  Stop begging him to come back.  He's not worth having.  

Edited June 22, 2020 by d0nnivain

[sunnygirl00]

2 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Abusers hate it when their victim stands up to their abuse. He has a vested interest in putting you down and isolating you so that he can maintain control. Run, don’t walk, away from this guy... keep up with the counselling. 

Yes, I understand.  I just have so much sadness and for some insane reason I keep thinking of all the good times and I forget the emotional abuse that was becoming so frequent.  Daily...

That's why I came here and wrote it out again so I can see it -- and get this kind of response.  My stupid brain gets playing tricks on me...

[sunnygirl00]

Just now, d0nnivain said:

Hope for you?  That you could end up married to a man who doesn't like you, who doesn't respect you who you right with daily?  Why would you hope for that? 

The end of a relationship is hard.  Change is hard but staying in an emotionally dysfunctional  situation is unhealthy.  

I have anxiety too & this lockdown has exacerbated my issues.  DH doesn't understand & we have had a fight about it when I had a panic attack & he thought I was overreacting but he didn't belittle me. He tried to help once he figured out how serious it was.  

Staying with this man would be a mistake.  At this point you have to talk to settle the living arrangements, end the engagement & disentangle your lives but there is no reason you should remain connected on social media.  As soon as you straighten out the above, go NC & be done.  Stop begging him to come back.  He's not worth having.  

Thank you for sharing that.  It helps me to see that loving partners don't mock someone for their anxiety or their fears.  He just hated any moments that I was upset or scared.  He had very little compassion for me...

[d0nnivain]

1 minute ago, sunnygirl00 said:

.  My stupid brain gets playing tricks on me...

You & your brain are not stupid.  The end of anything has sadness even a bad relationship. 

Change is scary but you are stronger then you think.  Take the next steps toward being free

 

[sunnygirl00]

31 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You & your brain are not stupid.  The end of anything has sadness even a bad relationship. 

Change is scary but you are stronger then you think.  Take the next steps toward being free

 

THe problem is I don't WANT to be free -- and that's where I'm struggling.  Yes, I know it was toxic and he was emotionally abusive.  But, somehow I keep wishing I had another chance..another do-over...   my therapist just told me that I need to realize he's not capable.  That he is essentially mentally ill and that it would just drag me down further.  I was already very depressed and feeling scared about stepping on egg shells non -- stop.  

[d0nnivain]

what you want is a healthy happy relationship.  You foolishly think you can have that with him.  You can't.  Listen to your therapist.  

If you dump him then you will be free to go find the quality relationship you crave but as long as you stay with him you will be stuck with this BS forever.  With him you can't have real happiness. 

So chose wisely

[Redhead14]

Good lord, Sunnygirl.  The engagement is broken and so was the relationship.  This was a very toxic relationship.  Forget this guy!  Take a nice trip somewhere and leave your phone home.  A nice quiet, secluded cabin on a lake for a few days, process and grieve and then get back to your life and work on being the strong, independent, focused young woman you can be and find yourself a guy who appreciates a woman like that and who treats you the way you should be treated.  You don't love this guy.  You love who you wish he would be.

[sunnygirl00]

7 minutes ago, Redhead14 said:

Good lord, Sunnygirl.  The engagement is broken and so was the relationship.  This was a very toxic relationship.  Forget this guy!  Take a nice trip somewhere and leave your phone home.  A nice quiet, secluded cabin on a lake for a few days, process and grieve and then get back to your life and work on being the strong, independent, focused young woman you can be and find yourself a guy who appreciates a woman like that and who treats you the way you should be treated.  You don't love this guy.  You love who you wish he would be.

THanks... I guess it helps to read that post back to realize how it must sound and how crazy the dynamic is/was.  I just have a hard time taking the pain...

[ShyViolet]

After all that abuse, after he finally left (which was really doing you a favor) you begged him to come back?  And you're asking how to fix this relationship?

There is no fixing this relationship.  You were right when you told him to leave, that was your one moment of good decision-making in all this.  Him leaving was the best thing that could have happened.  The fact that you've been begging him to come back shows that you need a lot of help to try and find out why in the world you would want a person like this back.  You have unbelievably low self-esteem and poor judgment, and you need to work on these issues in therapy.  Please do yourself a favor and leave this relationship where it belongs, in the trash bin, and do not beg for him back again.

[sunnygirl00]

21 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

After all that abuse, after he finally left (which was really doing you a favor) you begged him to come back?  And you're asking how to fix this relationship?

There is no fixing this relationship.  You were right when you told him to leave, that was your one moment of good decision-making in all this.  Him leaving was the best thing that could have happened.  The fact that you've been begging him to come back shows that you need a lot of help to try and find out why in the world you would want a person like this back.  You have unbelievably low self-esteem and poor judgment, and you need to work on these issues in therapy.  Please do yourself a favor and leave this relationship where it belongs, in the trash bin, and do not beg for him back again.

Thank you so much for this feedback.  I hear you and your support even as an internet stranger truly helps me think hard.  The objectivity is extremely useful for me...  I need to see it through the eyes of someone who knows the level of abuse that I have experienced. 

i just feel so discarded..  because it's just an extension of the MANY times I've heard that he will leave me...or destroy me...or threaten to ruin me...etc. 

[pepperbird]

10 hours ago, sunnygirl00 said:

Thank you for pointing that out.   He was disrespectful and I said "do not speak to me like that" and he said with rage ..."I will talk to you any way I fuc*ing want to ...you aren't my fuc*ing mother, get that through your head.

So that was the moment where I just said -- this has gone on long enough.   And that's the least of the things he's said disrepectfully to me...  

Thank you for helping me because I am now sitting here wishing I never told him to leave...  but that was the last and final trigger for me.  He saw that I was starting to go to theapy and get stronger and he hated it.  

IME, abuse is usually about fear and control. When their victim begins to stand up for her or himself, their abuser often fears losing control over them.

op, please give yourself some time to really think about this. Is this the type of relationship you really want? You feeling bad and him not really caring?

[Redhead14]

3 hours ago, sunnygirl00 said:

Thank you so much for this feedback.  I hear you and your support even as an internet stranger truly helps me think hard.  The objectivity is extremely useful for me...  I need to see it through the eyes of someone who knows the level of abuse that I have experienced. 

i just feel so discarded..  because it's just an extension of the MANY times I've heard that he will leave me...or destroy me...or threaten to ruin me...etc. 

Try not to feel discarded.  You should be feeling empowered and free from this POS.  Get in touch with some anger over the mistreatment he delivered on you and use it in a positive way to stand up tall and move forward with confidence.  He seems to think you are weak and treated you like a door mat.  Show him you are done with allowing anyone to treat you that way and never look back.  Learn from this experience and never allow it to happen to you again.  Focus on you and your future as a stronger woman and don't forget to Block, Delete, Forget, Forever. 

Edited June 22, 2020 by Redhead14

[sunnygirl00]

16 hours ago, Redhead14 said:

Try not to feel discarded.  You should be feeling empowered and free from this POS.  Get in touch with some anger over the mistreatment he delivered on you and use it in a positive way to stand up tall and move forward with confidence.  He seems to think you are weak and treated you like a door mat.  Show him you are done with allowing anyone to treat you that way and never look back.  Learn from this experience and never allow it to happen to you again.  Focus on you and your future as a stronger woman and don't forget to Block, Delete, Forget, Forever. 

You are right...it is helpful for me to try to think about myself in a stronger position.  He really did treat me like a door mat.  And I keep forming my mindset around the fact that I was so bad that he called me all those things....and said all of those things. I wish I could just stop blaming myself.  I am trying very hard not to tell myself that he was right about what he said to me...over and over and over.  

The reality is almost EVERY argument or disagreement ended with him telling me that he should leave me or if he's to blame for an issue...that I should hit the road.  

[schlumpy]

On 6/22/2020 at 9:57 AM, sunnygirl00 said:

THe problem is I don't WANT to be free -- and that's where I'm struggling.  Yes, I know it was toxic and he was emotionally abusive.  But, somehow I keep wishing I had another chance..another do-over...   my therapist just told me that I need to realize he's not capable.  That he is essentially mentally ill and that it would just drag me down further.  I was already very depressed and feeling scared about stepping on egg shells non -- stop.  

Go to google and type in - cheating 180. Various selections will come up about the 180. It's a program that helps people like you, over time, clear you minds so you gain a more rational perspective.

If you think your view is rational at moment, please consider what you would tell your sister if she asked you for advice and then told you the same things you have in your posts on this forum. Would you tell her to stay and hang on at any cost?

You state he is a narcissist? Deny him the attention he craves. Go no contact and flush him out of your online media. Get rid of everything.

Good luck.

[Datergirl]

It hurts now and there will be times that you want him back, bit those times will pass and become less and less.

What I found helped me, after leaving an abusive relationship, was to allow myself to feel the hurt, to cry when I needed and not try to pretend I was ok. Slowly the times that I felt hurt, missing him, wanting him back got less and less.

Start doing more of the things you enjoy, get in touch with old friends, start a project, something you've always wanted to do and soon you will start forgetting about him. 

Be selfish for a while. Put yourself first. Also ask yourself, is a life with him what you really want, I think you know it's not.

Be strong. You can do this.