Regret letting a great person go.

[laelithia]

Hi everyone. Last night, I was mindlessly scrolling on facebook, and saw that an old flame of mine (we dated for a little while in 2015, then I decided to put him in the friend zone for no good reason at all...) just got married. He was a really great guy, came from a good family, had good values and wanted a committed relationship, was educated and had a great career. Everything I said I wanted in a man. I was happy for him, he looked very happy, but I was not expecting how hard it hit me. This person was so sweet and supportive of me throughout the years, even while I dated other people despite him always showing interest in being with me. He politely asked me many times to work on my codependency issues so that we could have a real chance of dating exclusively, but rather than do this, I proceeded to date a couple of "bad boys" instead (you may read about them ad nauseam in my other threads). Worst of all, I often vented and emotionally dumped on him when these relationships inevitably failed. I feel so horrible about this, I simply cannot fathom what I was thinking back then to do that to someone who had been so caring towards me, even when we weren't together.

Although we had drifted with our contact and hadn’t seen each other for around 2 years, I thought about him here and there and how I had made a mistake to push him away and date the losers that never really cared about me instead. I suppose I tried to shove these thoughts out of my head rather than truly deal with my mistake. And, if I'm honest, I supposed he would always be there one day when I was truly ready. In fact, after dong a lot of soul searching and refusing to date low quality men, I thought I was getting close to contacting him again. And of course, I saw the picture yesterday. I am truly happy for him, he seems like he is very content in his life now. But at the same time, I feel (maybe for the first time) the gravity of the loss that I can only blame on myself. We will never hang out again, never have late night talks about life and psychology, never do art together again. I guess because I always thought one day we would reconnect, I never truly processed our "end" because I didn't think it was one. I know 2 years seems like a long time not to see someone, but in that time I was completing my registration, starting a new position and my own practice. It went by in a blur, and the times we used to hang out together seem not so long ago at all. I truly feel sadness that I will likely never see this person again.

Fast forward to today, I am 100% not ever going to try to contact him outside of congratulating him on his wedding (which I did, and in true gentlemanly fashion, he replied thanking me and commending me on opening my practice). I want him to be happy, and I will not interfere in his life. I suppose I’m just looking for some kind of comfort or reinsurance that there will be other men like him (kind, caring, educated and successful, etc.) out there for me. Or, preferably, just the one. I am becoming less and less hopeful due to the very low frequency of meeting these men lately in my city, but I’m contemplating moving to the next province over. Maybe I’ll have a better chance there. 

Anyway, has anyone else had a similar experience? Did you manage to find another great person out there?

[DKT3]

Were you really expecting him to wait around? Or is this just regret because he married and you've not found your guy yet?

Oddly I've known several women who did this very thing. Had a great guy interested in her but she wasn't "ready".  In one of those cases they both married others. His wife eventually ran off with another guy and her husband lost his battle with cancer.  25 years after she broke it off the were married. 

I'm really interested in your thoughts around reuniting with him.

[laelithia]

You have a point, I think it doesn't help that his new wife has the same name as me. To be honest, I didn't think he would be waiting around, I knew he was seeing someone else. I think I just thought one day the universe would bring us back together. I don't think I honestly faced it at all, I just put a pin in it in my mind. Explaining this now, I really see how silly and unfair that was. I really hurt him and I rightly lost him over it. Yet I can't seem to forgive myself. 

I think the regret is a combination of things. I think at the time, I took him (and great men like him) for granted. I stupidly chased men that did not want to commit, believing that I was "good enough" to get them to settle down with me, I could prove my worth. I now see how ridiculous and self-harming that was. And he even told me so. Yet I couldn't fully see it. He was kind, educated, successful, loving, and patient but also direct with me. I believe he was my match in many ways. I think perhaps at the time I didn't feel I deserved someone like him, for whatever reason my self-esteem was (and in some ways still is) so low. He told me to work on these issues, to stay single to do so and would love to date me after I had done that, but instead I chose to continue my codependent ways and jump into unhealthy relationships that didn't last. I'm embarrassed of how I behaved, and how I leaned on him after doing exactly what he suggested I not do. He deserved better.

As much as I would want to, there is no way I could reunite with him. He is married and happy now and I will not interfere with that. I believe I had my chances, and I didn't take them. Our last meeting together, I STILL vented about a horrible ex that never deserved me in the first place. I think he lost hope in me after that, and began dating his now wife a month or so later. I desperately wish I could go back in time, shake myself and tell him the truth- that I truly liked him, that I saw a future with him, but I was scared. I think had I done this, we would likely have been the couple getting married... but I suppose I will never know. 

 

[kendahke]

16 hours ago, laelithia said:

I desperately wish I could go back in time, shake myself and tell him the truth- that I truly liked him, that I saw a future with him, but I was scared. I think had I done this, we would likely have been the couple getting married...

Not if you never took care of your co-dependency issues... 

16 hours ago, laelithia said:

He politely asked me many times to work on my codependency issues so that we could have a real chance of dating exclusively, but rather than do this, I proceeded to date a couple of "bad boys" instead

have you resolved them yet?

Edited June 22, 2020 by kendahke

[laelithia]

11 hours ago, kendahke said:

Not if you never took care of your co-dependency issues... 

have you resolved them yet?

Thanks for your reply. I did eventually take care of my co-dependency issues, actually not long after him and I stopped seeing each other/hanging out in 2017. I think by then it was too late, as he had started to see someone else. I think had I really wanted to, I could have gotten him to see me even still, but I wanted to respect the new relationship. I suppose in the end it was probably the right thing to do, as that is who he ended up marrying. I think the fact that that person has the same name as me is also triggering me more than it probably should. I'm sure it is just a coincidence and doesn't mean anything more.

[chillii]

 

A month later eh , well l'd doubt he felt what he needed to or you thought he did anyway then in that case. And you just let him go , if you felt what you really needed to you wouldn't have done that either so it wouldn't have even worked out anyway.

[Silver_star]

Many people go through this regret and sadness in life. It's too bad.

Hindsight is 20/20 and I wish people would learn to work on their relationships with the people they are with instead of looking outside of the relationship for something else that is "better", but many people are never satisfied or create unnecessary problems because of their own issues. I hope the bad relationships you have experienced  in the mean time and this newfound realization that your ex is no longer an option for you can humble you a bit,  and  makes you appreciate that life is short, and real connections with genuine people that have your best interests at heart are few and far between.

If you have sorted out your codependency issues you should know that past is not who you are now, you have grown, you don't need someone else to be complete, but if you find someone that connects with you and treats you right you should stick around or face seeing them move on to someone who does appreciate them on social media. 

[Ellener]

On 6/22/2020 at 12:45 AM, laelithia said:

I think I just thought one day the universe would bring us back together.

And maybe it will just not in the way you thought. Just you remembering the good times is nice, I'm sure there are lots of people wish they'd had more of that. 

We make really special connections sometimes for a while, we can't marry them all! When you're ready you'll attract your own 'husband' person or whatever it is that fulfills you, maybe you are already fulfilled with the life you have now.

What's that Joseph Campbell quote We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us...

I'm not very good at recognising where I am is where I'm supposed to be on my journey of life!

 

 

[DKT3]

1 hour ago, Ellener said:

And maybe it will just not in the way you thought. Just you remembering the good times is nice, I'm sure there are lots of people wish they'd had more of that. 

We make really special connections sometimes for a while, we can't marry them all! When you're ready you'll attract your own 'husband' person or whatever it is that fulfills you, maybe you are already fulfilled with the life you have now.

What's that Joseph Campbell quote We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us...

I'm not very good at recognising where I am is where I'm supposed to be on my journey of life!

 

 

I think that's her problem,  she always saw him as her future husband all the way til he was married.  So this quote is on point all the way

[HighHopes87]

Hindsight is a wonderful thing but ultimately 'the heart wants what the heart wants' and if he was always readily available to you and you didn't snap him up then he was never the guy for you. Perhaps its just the stability and commitment that you crave now that youre older. 

[laelithia]

Hi everyone,

Thanks again for all your comments. I grieved this loss for a few days, but then I think I was okay. I started using my dating apps again, and I met someone in a new city I’m planning to move to. I didn’t expect it really to turn into anything as I am between cities as it is, but he stepped up and showed genuine interest in me, even when I went back home. I recently got back to his city last week, and we spent a lot of time together. I could tell things were moving quickly, maybe too much so, but I was enjoying my time with him.

However, a couple days  ago being mentioned maybe still going on some dates as he wanted to be sure of his decisions moving forward, and I was hurt. He had spoke of how our lives seemed to mesh well together, that we had a strong connection, and he could see us being long term. I supposed I assumed that also meant we were dating exclusively. Anyway, long story short, I reacted badly and scared him away. He asked for some space in a very kind way (“I'm sorry to hurt your feelings , this meeting was  planned a week ago. My perspective isnt a plan b scenario,  I'd like to go thru the motions get out a  and meet some people so that I'm confident in my decisions. I feel you where kinda mental toying with me last night , I didnt have a good feeling. I also dont want to say goodbye,  but that's something you meantioned. I also meantioned I'd rather not gave a stressful convo before bed and the opposite is what actually happened. Please have a good day. I'm sorry o dont have my mind made up about us. I need a bit of space theres a lot goin on around me w work etc. I'll just shut down if you press me too hard. Agsin I'm sorry your upset and I hope you can make the best of the day.“) which I did give for a couple days even though he reached out to me a few times. One of these times I messaged him back asking if he was still planning on helping me with my bike for the weekend ride we planned to take, Ana he declined. I was rather shocked he didn’t seem to want to talk it out at all. He mentioned in text “I think your a nice person , but I dont feel theres any merit in a meeting not that it would change anything.  I was hoping for some space. If you want to get something off your chest I'm free for a call at 12:30.” I asked him if this change of heart was due to my bad behaviour the other night, and he said “This is a  bit intense for me , I'm sorry. Consider us friends , I got your back. I'd rather not discuss it any further.” he then said I could still call him if I wanted. I did, only to clarify my stance and that I had overreacted. He was very nice on the phone and said he didn’t feel ready for a committed relationship so soon after his last one ended. I understood this. I don’t think I mentioned that I was still willing to take things slow, but he said he would see how he feels and maybe reach out on the weekend. I’m trying not to read into that though. 

I guess what I’m wondering if there’s anything I can do to try to reverse the damage done, or if it’s already over. I feel it was such a sudden change on his end, he seemed so interested in me but I understand I scared him.