Sexless marriage in my early 30's

[TheJoiner]

Hi everyone.

This is my first time on any kind of Forum but am just desperate for any kind of advice.

 

I've been with my wife for 15 years, she's absolutely amazing, we're best friends, very much I love, have 2 beautiful kids, and an amazing life........ but have a quickie once every 6 months.

 

My wife has absolutely zero libido and very rarely touches me in a way thats more than a peck. There hasn't been an event thats changed thing, our sex life has always been pretty poor but the once a week turned to once and month, the once a month turned to once every other month and before you know it here we are. 

I've tried talking to her about it many times and she says she wants to change and we need to work on it but she's just saying what she thinks she should say as nothing changes, but to her its not a problem as she's the one that doesn't want it and we're not having it.

I've tried everything I can think of, giving regular massages and back rubs to try and keep us connected, being romantic all the time, making sure we always hold hands when we walk and silly little things like that. And they connect us really well as a couple..... but still no interest in sex.

However its now really starting to get me down. Feel really unwanted sexually and it doesn't do wonders for your self esteem. I'm only 31 and feel like I'm missing a major part of life with my wife that I don't want to pass me by.

Anyone had a similar experience or any advice?

Thanks

[SincereOnlineGuy]

16 minutes ago, TheJoiner said:

Hi everyone.

This is my first time on any kind of Forum but am just desperate for any kind of advice.

 

I've been with my wife for 15 years, she's absolutely amazing, we're best friends, very much I love, have 2 beautiful kids, and an amazing life........ but have a quickie once every 6 months.

 

My wife has absolutely zero libido and very rarely touches me in a way thats more than a peck. There hasn't been an event thats changed thing, our sex life has always been pretty poor but the once a week turned to once and month, the once a month turned to once every other month and before you know it here we are. 

I've tried talking to her about it many times and she says she wants to change and we need to work on it but she's just saying what she thinks she should say as nothing changes, but to her its not a problem as she's the one that doesn't want it and we're not having it.

I've tried everything I can think of, giving regular massages and back rubs to try and keep us connected, being romantic all the time, making sure we always hold hands when we walk and silly little things like that. And they connect us really well as a couple..... but still no interest in sex.

However its now really starting to get me down. Feel really unwanted sexually and it doesn't do wonders for your self esteem. I'm only 31 and feel like I'm missing a major part of life with my wife that I don't want to pass me by.

Anyone had a similar experience or any advice?

Thanks

IS she on birth control?  

(and in advance, some people use birth control to help regulate periods, and for tangent reasons having little to do with any actual threat of pregnancy)

 

The FIRST consideration when the random woman talks of a lack of libido, is the chance that her form of birth control could be sinking that libido.

 

 

Keep going with the holding hands when you walk  sorta stuff...    

A wise man likes to recite:   "For women, sex begins at dinner"

 

 

[TheJoiner]

Hi,

no not on any kind of birth control. Used to be on the pill many years ago but since we didn't need it from a pregnancy point of view (not having sex that often so just used condoms) meant she stopped taking it.

For 15 years we've always been very romantic and in love so holding hands etc, isn't something new, I just think sex is completely out of her mindset now. 

On the very rare occasions we do have sex its actually really good, its not lights off in the bed type thing its actually wild and she really enjoys it which confuses me even more.

Maybe I need to just accept that our marriage is perfect but just without sex? And put up or shut up.

[basil67]

It's significant that your sex life has always been poor and that you got together so young.   When you say the sex is poor, are you referring to both technique and libido?   Has she had orgasms in the past?   Are there any religious or shame issues going on?

I'm wondering if a sex therapist could be of assistance.

[TheJoiner]

Hi Basil.

Sorry should have been more clear, the sex itself isn't poor just the amount of it. Orgasms have never been a problem and we both finish every time. The sex part when it does happen is actually great but zero foreplay.

Neither of us are religious. I have been thinking about sex therapy myself and have been trying to look at online sex therapy on my own to see if there's anything I need to do or change as I don't think my wife will be up for it. As I mentioned before as she doesn't want it, and we're not having it, to her its not a problem.

At a complete loss

[notbroken]

You'll have to decide if you can tolerate little to no sex the rest of your life.  Personally, I know I definitely could NOT.    I also wouldn't want to have sex with someone 'just for me'.   I'd ask your wife why she rarely wants to have sex and is there anything you could do to make it better or more desireable for her.   Her answers could tell you a lot - including that she changes the subject and is just not interested.   I'm sorry, but you'll likely go sexless in this marriage.   There are women who are not that way.   Make up your mind if you can stand to be sexless and act accordingly.   Also - read "No More Mr Nice Guy" and see if it applies (it likely does).  

[BaileyB]

6 hours ago, TheJoiner said:

At a complete loss

I can imagine that you are. 

I would suggest the obvious, that it’s exhausting to be a mother of two young children and you should help more around the home and with the children... but, if she has never really been a sexual being and your sex life has never been frequent, it speaks to a bigger problem. For her, sex may have lost its purpose now that you have your children.

How do you encourage someone to be sexual when they have never valued sex - if you find the answer to that question, let us know... there are others who would very much appreciate the information. The only thing I can even think to suggest is counselling. She needs to know that the future of her marriage is at risk if she chooses to continue on this sexless path - because at some point, you are going to have a decision to make... for as much as you value this woman and your family,  having an intimate relationship with your wife is an important part of a healthy long-term marriage for most people. 

Edited June 22, 2020 by BaileyB

[Azincourt]

9 hours ago, TheJoiner said:

Hi everyone.

This is my first time on any kind of Forum but am just desperate for any kind of advice.

 

I've been with my wife for 15 years, she's absolutely amazing, we're best friends, very much I love, have 2 beautiful kids, and an amazing life........ but have a quickie once every 6 months.

 

My wife has absolutely zero libido and very rarely touches me in a way thats more than a peck. There hasn't been an event thats changed thing, our sex life has always been pretty poor but the once a week turned to once and month, the once a month turned to once every other month and before you know it here we are. 

I've tried talking to her about it many times and she says she wants to change and we need to work on it but she's just saying what she thinks she should say as nothing changes, but to her its not a problem as she's the one that doesn't want it and we're not having it.

I've tried everything I can think of, giving regular massages and back rubs to try and keep us connected, being romantic all the time, making sure we always hold hands when we walk and silly little things like that. And they connect us really well as a couple..... but still no interest in sex.

However its now really starting to get me down. Feel really unwanted sexually and it doesn't do wonders for your self esteem. I'm only 31 and feel like I'm missing a major part of life with my wife that I don't want to pass me by.

Anyone had a similar experience or any advice?

Thanks

Is she on birth control?

hormonal birth control tends to curtain a woman's sex drive.

Get a vasectomy and then have her stop using birth control. Use condoms if you are afraid she might still get pregnant despite having had the surgery done. That done, if she keeps not wanting to have sex with you. Suggest a marriage counselor. And a sex conselor.  In case she decides she doesn't want to attend either medical professional, you're going to have to think about this marriage. At 31 you're way too young to already be in a sexless marriage.

Or you could always have sex with women who aren't your wife. I know plenty of older guys through my father and they've been married longer than you've been alive. Apparently, after children are born, many married women feel like there's no point in having sex anymore, and they probably get bored having sex with the same guy over and over again, so what my dad's friends do is to sleep with other women outside of the marriage and then go back home.

Everyone's happy, no one's being pressured, and their family doesn't suffer.

Do you hit the gym?

Get absolutely shredded, physically, and see what happens. Chances are, your wife's sex drive might return in full force.

Edited June 22, 2020 by Azincourt

[mark clemson]

We get a fairly regular drumbeat of posts like this (sometimes from women), so you're certainly not alone.

Seeing a therapist together would be one possible approach that might be a good idea generally.

You could, potentially, insist on more regular sex (say once weekly). This is likely to net you "duty sex" at first (still better than NO sex, IMO at least). It's possible that as your wife gets accustomed to a more regular schedule she'll "get into it" more. Regular cuddling (without it leading to sex) e.g. in the morning or during TV time, might also get her more accustomed and "into" regular physical contact.

So, that's something for you to consider. Keep in mind that "insist" implies consequences if she won't go along with it, so you'd need to think very carefully about what those consequences might be. You never want to lay down a condition you wouldn't be willing to back up, so if you're going to go this route, what are the consequences? Are you at the point where divorce, infidelity, or opening the marriage are actually on the table? I'd never recommend you bring up any of those things unless you're fairly serious, as they could, potentially, backfire pretty dramatically.

If it was me, I'd be making it really clear that actions like that would be done in desperation rather than as a goto first option. (Don't kid yourself, your marriage really could end over them.) The flip side is insisting has to have some teeth in order to be meaningfully different than "asking", and you seem, very understandably,  genuinely unhappy.

My understanding is some women find men more attractive when they show more spine, which this could be perceived as, but no doubt sex is a tricky area for that particular "attractive trait" in men, so not sure if you can count on it here.

Edited June 22, 2020 by mark clemson

[TheJoiner]

Hi everyone.

Thanks for all the replies. I've now realised that forums are really hard as nobody knows your background.

In response to the messages, I don't think its particularly an attraction thing, were both (not trying to sound up ourselves) slim, young, and I would say attractive people. (I'm aware how horribly narcissistic that sounds). So I don't think going to the gym and getting ripped will make any difference. I'm a carpenter by trade so active all day everyday anyway.

As for doing chores round the house to help out. I won't lie, my wife definitely does the lions share but I'm pretty good at that anyway, we fully share the childcare and share the housework.

As for the looking elsewhere for see or "this could end on divorce", its been this way for so many years, I'm not running out now. I would rather have a sexless marriage that not be with her and my children everyday so thats not an option and I'm certainly not looking elsewhere.

I think marks message was quite interesting, i wouldn't think I could insist as she's just tell me to f*** off.haha but we have said many times about having a schedule and making sure we stick to it and in essence fake it till you make it but for one reason or another it never happens. 

I guess from the few replies its basically a case of counselling or shut up and put up. I did think it was interesting when you said of she had it regularly she might come to get into it more. I have thought that myself. Although abit catch 22 as if we were having it regularly I wouldn't be here.

Maybe counselling might be the next step? I think I was just hoping thered be someone that has been in the same situation and see what worked for them.

[preraph]

How old are the kids?  That does seem to happen a lot when a mother is busy with kids.  They get out of wife mode and are in child-rearing exhaustion mode.  

 

I would suggest you stop trying with the obvious romantic stuff because that has to be awkward and of course, she knows you want sex already.  It might be worth stopping all that for about 3 months and not trying it at all and see if you stop pushing, if she ever takes a step forward.  She may not, but why not just see.  When something isn't working, try something else.  Stop with the romance and back rub favors.  Just stop.  Move into another room altogether if you want.  You've got nothing to lose.  If she just never decides she wants sex again, then at least you know and have a decision to make.  Sometimes people become too familial and lose their sex appeal, plus kids change things. 

[mark clemson]

7 minutes ago, TheJoiner said:

I think marks message was quite interesting, i wouldn't think I could insist as she's just tell me to f*** off.haha but we have said many times about having a schedule and making sure we stick to it and in essence fake it till you make it but for one reason or another it never happens.

Thanks + sure, counseling's not a bad idea.

Insisting is for when you're not willing to put up with it any more. This is just my opinion, but in a good marriage, both partner's needs should be met. It sounds to me like you are rather too ready to accept a marriage where your needs won't be met, e.g. for the sake of "stability". That is your choice to make, and everyone's different. For me, my wife knows for certain that if we stopped having sex on a reasonably regular basis (without some compelling reason such as a medical issue) either I walk or get to look for it elsewhere. (Not something she would accept in our case.)

"For one reason or another" - this sounds like you need to look for some strategic times for you to initiate where there aren't other things happening, and/or you need to make it a priority and not let her make excuses or walk away.

You could also try Preraph's idea (or consider some of the other ideas suggested above).

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, TheJoiner said:

I did think it was interesting when you said of she had it regularly she might come to get into it more.

Everyone is different, but I will say that when I’m having great sex - I want more great sex. If we go a period of time without having sex (for whatever reason), I feel like I kind of forget about it. I get busy with the day to day and I don’t actually miss it. 

It makes my partner a little crazy, because he is the opposite. He can have sex and he will joke and say “he is good” for a while. Whereas, my reaction is the opposite. 

For what it's worth, I would say that communication is key if you are going to bridge this gap. Whether that happens with or without a counsellor... that’s for you to decide because only you know your wife. Good luck to you. 

Edited June 22, 2020 by BaileyB

[TheJoiner]

Thanks for everyone's advise.

For a while I've been googling the problem and trying to seek councilors on my own without my wife having to participate  but to no avail.

I think just from everyone's comments we need to have (yet another) serious talk tomorrow and see how it goes  ill keep everyone updated 

Thanks for all the advice

👍

[rjc149]

100% sure she's not getting it somewhere else? 

[Azincourt]

Married, with a job, and with 2 kids? She probably doesn't even have free time to get her nails done let alone meet and sleep with another dude.

[Miss Spider]

This kind of thing gets me every time. You married someone with low libido when sex is a major part of your life now you want people on the internet to help xD Sorry, but?

Edited June 22, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[contemplatincheatin]

Definitely try counseling or a sex therapist; maybe both

[Azincourt]

30 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

This kind of thing gets me every time. You married someone with low libido when sex is a major part of your life now you want people on the internet to help xD Sorry, but?

Sure, but there are plenty of partners who'll pretend to be someone they are not until they get what they want, and when that is secured, the act is dropped. Who's to say she wasn't having sex with him 5 times a day when they started dating?

[Lotsgoingon]

5 hours ago, TheJoiner said:

In response to the messages, I don't think its particularly an attraction thing, were both (not trying to sound up ourselves) slim, young, and I would say attractive people.

I'm sorry to break the news to you ... but you misunderstand sexual attraction. I dated an absolutely gorgeous woman who sex with was basically flat. Sexual chemistry (attraction) isn't based on whether someone is "good looking" and fit. We don't know exactly what it is based on ... but you're confusing good looking with attraction. Those can overlap ... but they are not the same--not even close.

The bad news is that basically you guys never had a powerful sexual chemistry.  But since you got together so young, you guys committed before you could understand the difference between "my gf/wife is pretty" and real attraction.  Your wife isn't feeling attracted to you, and she doesn't how how to say that without crushing you feelings .She needs to be honest. Sounds like you might feel attracted to her, but she doesn't feel attracted to you. 

The only recommendation I've seen that makes any sense for a person in your circumstance is to go to a really good sex therapist, someone who specializes in handling issues around sex and performance. (A sex therapist isn't someone who gets naked with you. It's a kind of specialty among therapists, and the good ones do touch on depression and general mental health because sexuality issues touch on every part of our identify). Part of what a good sex therapist can do is give you the language with which to initiate a conversation about this to your wife. But a general therapist could also help you there. Sounds like you need help starting the conversation. 

You gotta start the conversation on this--directly so. If you don't, both you and her (don't care how moral you are) will be at risk for having an affair at some point, when either of you does encounter someone you feel a powerful attraction to. 

Hiding and not discussing this openly with your wife will just make your marriage to be drudgery. You deserve some romantic affection ... even if it's a really nice massage and touch ... tough situation ... but good luck. 

[Ruby Slippers]

Looks like only a good counselor can really help. 

[Miss Spider]

5 hours ago, Azincourt said:

Sure, but there are plenty of partners who'll pretend to be someone they are not until they get what they want, and when that is secured, the act is dropped. Who's to say she wasn't having sex with him 5 times a day when they started dating?

I agree if that's the case, but he said their sex life has always been pretty poor. Not sure why he thought that would change with time and 3 kids

Edited June 23, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Miss Spider]

two kids*

[manfrombelow]

8 hours ago, rjc149 said:

100% sure she's not getting it somewhere else? 

When your woman is not getting sex from you (whether by choice or not), 100% she's getting it from somebody else.

And so should you guys, if your women - for any reasons - stop giving you sex in your so-called "rELaTiOnShIp"!

 

[Azincourt]

3 hours ago, manfrombelow said:

When your woman is not getting sex from you (whether by choice or not), 100% she's getting it from somebody else.

And so should you guys, if your women - for any reasons - stop giving you sex in your so-called "rELaTiOnShIp"!

 

Nah, that's not how it works, necessarily. 

There was a period of time my dad complained to me about his lack of a sex life with my mother. From 2 times a day, to only a few times a week, and then about once every 2 months. Dad was feeling unwanted and unattractive, so I told him to go with my mom to a marriage counselor and to work it out. Turns out, my mother was overwhelmed from working a job, taking care of the house, and also from taking care of my sisters and me, and also from dealing with my grandparents, her parents-in-law.

Man was I surprise that women who aren't 20 years old anymore, women who have responsabilities, jobs,  women who are suffering from stress and who have to deal with obligations, don't have the same sex drive they had when they were 18 and the only worry on their mind was where is their phone at so they can call uber eats to order lunch.