Sexless marriage in my early 30's

[Dolfin80]

Has your wife been tested for hypothyroidism (TSH, T4, T3) or hashimoto disease (TPO & Tg abs) as 20% of women suffer from this. 
 

low sex drive is a symptoms of these thyroid diseases 

[Dis]

A little equation:

 

Partner #1 (has a higher sex drive than partner #2 and places more importance on sex than partner #2) + partner #2 who doesn't need much sex and doesn't really care about it = a lose lose situation

 

If OP "demands" sex from his wife or even talks about it too much his wife will either feel pressured by it, resentful or the whole enjoyment of sex will be eradicated for one or both of them. But if he doesn't talk about it or "demand" it then he ends up resentful and feeling unwanted. Both avenues lead to a slow decay of the relationship no matter how much OP thinks they can stand the test of time.

 

 Yes they can go to a sex therapist but if the sex was never frequent I'm pretty sure that won't change even with professional help but of course it's worth a shot. 

 

My last was relationship lasted only 2 years so I can't compare it to OP's marriage but my ex wanted to have sex once every two months for two minutes. One and done. No foreplay. In and out. I wanted it more frequently and placed a lot of importance on quality sex too. I trying talking to him about it. Tried initiating. Tried everything. And a few things happened:

 

-He started shutting down and not wanting to talk about it at all. Was resentful about discussing it. 

-I felt unwanted and lost a lot of my self esteem and felt resentful 

-When we did have sex I felt it was just duty sex for him so I didn't enjoy it

-We lost that spark all together and the sex became cringe worthy for me (tbh, the sex was never that good and we never had that strong chemistry though)

-The relationship as a whole broke down 

 

This is why I made sure that the next time I wanted to date someone I made sure we had a really strong sexual spark and matching sex drives.

 

And btw, my ex was a very conventionally attractive guy and my now bf is not but we and I have amazing sexual chemistry and attraction between us. We lust after each other like I always wanted to with my ex. Attraction is subjective and so is chemistry. You might leave your pretty wife one day and go on to find a less attractive woman who wants you like a fat kid wants cake and vice versa. You might be glad you did. Just a thought. 

[Hopeful30]

On 6/22/2020 at 2:25 AM, TheJoiner said:

Hi everyone.

This is my first time on any kind of Forum but am just desperate for any kind of advice.

 

I've been with my wife for 15 years, she's absolutely amazing, we're best friends, very much I love, have 2 beautiful kids, and an amazing life........ but have a quickie once every 6 months.

 

My wife has absolutely zero libido and very rarely touches me in a way thats more than a peck. There hasn't been an event thats changed thing, our sex life has always been pretty poor but the once a week turned to once and month, the once a month turned to once every other month and before you know it here we are. 

I've tried talking to her about it many times and she says she wants to change and we need to work on it but she's just saying what she thinks she should say as nothing changes, but to her its not a problem as she's the one that doesn't want it and we're not having it.

I've tried everything I can think of, giving regular massages and back rubs to try and keep us connected, being romantic all the time, making sure we always hold hands when we walk and silly little things like that. And they connect us really well as a couple..... but still no interest in sex.

However its now really starting to get me down. Feel really unwanted sexually and it doesn't do wonders for your self esteem. I'm only 31 and feel like I'm missing a major part of life with my wife that I don't want to pass me by.

Anyone had a similar experience or any advice?

Thanks

The first thing that stood out for me was when you said "our sex life has always been poor". You must start with a spring in the step for strong foundations (of any kind) in the relationship. My second clue is you have been together for 15 years. Things sizzle out a bit by then, and if not, then more power to you! 

The thing is, relationship dynamics are subject to change. If you started on a poor sexual basis, is it really surprising that your chemistry did not change/grow? Were you hoping that it would?

The red flag for me was your age. People change from when they are 16. Its possible you've grown into different people, and her sexual participation in the relationship is not the same priority. And to be honest, she has a point. This appears to be a concern unique to you as she expressed no effort in increasing current sexual activity which, for you, isn't nearly enough. 

The ultimate question is: if nothing changes in your relationship, would you still be content within this marriage? Think long term for your personal wellbeing. You've been together 15 years, is your relationship strong enough to work through this? I like that you mentioned communication and talking about this with your partner. That's honestly how I would approach the situation as well. You guys are both on the same page, now. 

Sidenote: have you considered masturbation? It alleviates the mood, good for your cardiovascular health, AND you can fantasize about anything you want 😁😁

[elaine567]

16 minutes ago, Hopeful30 said:

The first thing that stood out for me was when you said "our sex life has always been poor".

Seems to be quite common, and some men do think that sex will improve so much over time, that he will eventually end up with a porn queen.
She has other ideas, she gets fed up of the pressure, she shuts down, he gets frustrated...

 

[Hopeful30]

On 6/23/2020 at 2:47 AM, manfrombelow said:

When your woman is not getting sex from you (whether by choice or not), 100% she's getting it from somebody else.

UGH.

I had an ex who always said this, and it was never true! I was always loyal to him, just never that sexually attracted. 

...masturbation doesn't count...? 

[Datergirl]

On 6/22/2020 at 7:44 AM, SincereOnlineGuy said:

IS she on birth control?  

(and in advance, some people use birth control to help regulate periods, and for tangent reasons having little to do with any actual threat of pregnancy)

 

The FIRST consideration when the random woman talks of a lack of libido, is the chance that her form of birth control could be sinking that libido.

 

 

Keep going with the holding hands when you walk  sorta stuff...    

A wise man likes to recite:   "For women, sex begins at dinner"

 

 

There is no evidence, from birth control research to suggest this. It's a myth I believed to be true also. 

Its more likely to be changes in lifestyle, ie, if she started taking the pill around the same time as a significant change in her life, it would be that which caused her loss of interest in sex, not the pill. 

[Els]

36 minutes ago, Datergirl said:

There is no evidence, from birth control research to suggest this. It's a myth I believed to be true also. 

Its more likely to be changes in lifestyle, ie, if she started taking the pill around the same time as a significant change in her life, it would be that which caused her loss of interest in sex, not the pill. 

There are multiple studies with contradictory outcomes, probably due to the wide variation of hormonal contraception available and the tenuous reliability of self-reporting. In general, no it isn't proven that BC affects libido, but it isn't proven that it doesn't either.

[OrbitalKat]

OP I really, truly think you should prepare for a divorce. This will never improve, no matter what you'll try, in my humble opinion. I am a woman and I also live in a sexless marriage and I've been on sexless marriage forums.  I haven't seen even once case when this has worked out. You basically have very few options. 

1. Stay and never have sex for the rest of your life. I would have said maybe this would be ok if you were 60 or even 50 but with some good sexual experiences behind you, but not in your 30s for Heaven's sake! 

2. Leave and after you go through the horrors of the divorce, you give yourself a second chance at happiness

3. Cheat. If you cheat, typically this will end in option 2 also.

No matter if it was a man or a woman who were the refusers,  no therapy, excuses, birth control, or anything else that the partner who wants that part of the marriage fulfilled had tried, has not worked.

I choose to stay but I am in my 50s and at my second marriage and I have had great sex in my life, for about 20 years. At least for now, I am not willing to go through yet another divorce and the dating process again and my libido is going down as well. But in your 30s? It's such a huge loss! 

[giotto]

Ask for an open marriage... 😀