Would you consider a permanent live-out relationship?

[Emilie Jolie]

TV host Trevor Noah said in an interview with Howard Stern a few months ago about cohabitation 'I'm a big advocate for not living together ever, even if you're in a marriage'. I happen to agree, but haven't found many men in real life who are down with this arrangement on a permanent basis. I haven't found any, actually! I personally find it a constant balancing act to live under the same roof as a partner 24/7- not completely a struggle, but definitely a huge compromise I'd love to not have to make, and it's been a recurring source of issues with every partner I've had. 

So, good people of LS - but primarily men:

Imagine you have found the right partner for you, you are compatible in most ways, the lifestyles, values, worldview fit, they're loyal, committed, everything is fine BUT they don't want to live with you and you don't have a place to share - is this a deal-breaker?  Has anyone on LS successfully trialled it?

All contributions welcome!

 

[Foxhall]

I was speaking about something like this with my lady friend a few days ago,

she is getting to know my little quirks now and said while it is going well now the real test will be when we live together,

Im living on my own over ten years now and  being honest I would find it a big adjustment to go living with her permanently, or have her move into my place.

I enjoy my space and my downtime as such, and well I have some family commitments that means I have to be near my home some of the week at least.

that said I am not happy at the thought of being a permanent bachelor either,

I think a part time trial is where we are working towards , she has quite a good job so in terms of living together it is probably me that has to make the move,

my suggestion is living with her 4 days per week and moving back to my own place the other three, (about 2 hours between them)

if we are lucky enough to have a child well that would obviously change things, but at present that is my mindset, would be quite happy with a "part time arrangement" 

 

 

[SumGuy]

It could well be a deal breaker as that kind of relationship is incompatible with a person who shares my world view.  

I could be down with us both having our own place but pretty much spending every night together at one or the other and a lot of our days together.  If you are talking the spend the rest of our life together.   

The above is sort of what we’re doing now even though the virus and kids when home has changed that.   We’ve vacationed together for a week, so really non-stop together in a room instead of spacious house.   No problems, were both introverts and are happy doing and letting the other do there thing.   There is comfort for us just being in the same room.  

Practically speaking at some age we’d need to be in the same place if it really is to be forever.   

Edited June 22, 2020 by SumGuy

[Emilie Jolie]

10 minutes ago, Foxhall said:

my suggestion is living with her 4 days per week and moving back to my own place the other three, (about 2 hours between them)

 

That seems like a good compromise. I assume the 4 days a week together include the w/e? Is she ok with that for now?

[Emilie Jolie]

9 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

 I could be down with us both having our own place but pretty much spending every night together at one or the other and a lot of our days together.  If you are talking the spend the rest of our life together.   

Fair enough - I see what you mean in terms of worldview incompatibility.

The above really is cohabitation under 2 different roofs, which sounds a little bit too disruptive to me, to be honest.

I'm also a 'forever' kind of person. I'm after a partnership, but not a merger if that makes sense. I am a super committed person who happens to like my space. It's difficult to convey that in a way that doesn't hurt his ego or make him a little insecure, so I end up relenting.

Which is mostly fine but it'd be nice to have the option to go back to my place on a more regular basis. 

[basil67]

My FIL had such a relationship after he was widowed.  He and his new partner lived in their own homes about two hours away from each other and would have a weekend together about twice per month.  It lasted for years.

[Emilie Jolie]

Just now, basil67 said:

He and his new partner lived in their own homes about two hours away from each other and would have a weekend together about twice per month.  It lasted for years.

That is interesting. Did they end up living together upon retirement? 

[Foxhall]

42 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

That seems like a good compromise. I assume the 4 days a week together include the w/e? Is she ok with that for now?

so far so good, well we are only at one/two days per week building towards four!!

 

[Mystery4u]

Making love and eating that yummy mango every day and night... why would any man want to give that up?

[SumGuy]

55 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

...

The above really is cohabitation under 2 different roofs, which sounds a little bit too disruptive to me, to be honest.

I'm not sure how that is any different from 4 nights one place and 3 nights at another that you seemed OK with.  Curious as how you see it.

Quote

  I'm also a 'forever' kind of person. I'm after a partnership, but not a merger if that makes sense. I am a super committed person who happens to like my space. It's difficult to convey that in a way that doesn't hurt his ego or make him a little insecure, so I end up relenting.

I am after a partnership as well, but get if two households become one there is inherent merging.  I guess that doesn't bother me too much, as part of being able to do that for me is we share so much in common that the merged house may not be much different from the separate houses.  

I think it really comes down to if you are the kind of couple that get emotional support from just being in the same room together, it is that level of forever intimacy.  If it really is forever how is this back and forth going to work when you are 80?  

Or this?

"Crashing, hit a wall
Right now I need a miracle
Hurry up now, I need a miracle
Stranded, reaching out
I call your name but you're not around
I say your name but you're not around

I need you, I need you, I need you right now
Yeah, I need you right now
So don't let me, don't let me, don't let me down
I think I'm losing my mind now
It's in my head, darling I hope
That you'll be here, when I need you the most
So don't let me, don't let me, don't let me down
Don't let me down..."

So in my world view I see it as being there, as being in love with a person as opposed to just love being with a person.  That doesn't mean you don't get space or alone time or your own pursuits just because you live together...just you are there for each other literally, even if the being there for each other is being in another room.

I'm certainly an introvert, and very much know the feeling of needing my own space and needing space to pursue my lone pursuits.   However, even at my girlfriends house I feel like I have my own space, she actually works to make her space, my space/ and our space (same for her here)....granted she is an introvert to, so there is never this feeling we need to entertain each other...we can both be very content reading, on one working another reading, one doing this or that chore another sleeping or internet surfing, etc, there is really no requirement that we entertain each other and no judgement either of what we do alone.

Now if you are feeling you always need to interact with him when you are together, always doing some "thing" together,  that would drive me batty to.  Believe me I know   

Edited June 23, 2020 by SumGuy

[jspice]

Absolutely. I remember when he said that.  
 

At my age my habits are here to stay. I’m 100% on board with it. 
If we did live in the same house we would have separate bedrooms. No compromise on that. 
I suffer from really bad insomnia and sleeping next to someone doesn’t work for me. 
 

 

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Emilie Jolie said:

That is interesting. Did they end up living together upon retirement? 

No, they never lived together....and they were already retired when they met.  He was 70 and she was 50.   

[Realitysux]

I would live with a man I loved enough and wanted to spend every night with him and share a life with. 

Edited June 23, 2020 by Realitysux

[Emilie Jolie]

7 hours ago, Foxhall said:

so far so good, well we are only at one/two days per week building towards four!!

 

Slow and steady - good for you!

[Emilie Jolie]

7 hours ago, SumGuy said:

I'm not sure how that is any different from 4 nights one place and 3 nights at another that you seemed OK with.  Curious as how you see it.

 

Some days together, some days on my own. Just not having the expectation to see each other day in day out. 

7 hours ago, SumGuy said:

Now if you are feeling you always need to interact with him when you are together, always doing some "thing" together,  that would drive me batty to.  Believe me I know   

Yeah, there is a bit of that. Maybe that's just the current situation but I do feel like I don't get a lot of breathing space. My place is very small and I still feel like I have all the space in the world when I'm there. His place is fairly big but somehow we end up being together all the time. I find this suffocating, if I'm honest.

Which really is just a 'me' problem, I can see that, it's not a big deal in the scheme of things, but it's just made me wonder if there were couples who pulled off living separately successfully.

[Emilie Jolie]

7 hours ago, jspice said:

I suffer from really bad insomnia

Same. The timings are always off. Plus it's just nice to be in your own bed on your own with no extra body heat or someone who wakes up at random times or tosses and turns all night long. 

Sounds like you're on the same page with your living arrangements, which is great.

Edited June 23, 2020 by Emilie Jolie

[Emilie Jolie]

6 hours ago, Realitysux said:

share a life with

See, I think you can share a life with someone and have your own space too.

[Emilie Jolie]

7 hours ago, Mystery4u said:

why would any man want to give that up?

He wouldn't 🤷‍♀️. I, on the other hand, would.

[Azincourt]

12 hours ago, Emilie Jolie said:

TV host Trevor Noah said in an interview with Howard Stern a few months ago about cohabitation 'I'm a big advocate for not living together ever, even if you're in a marriage'. I happen to agree, but haven't found many men in real life who are down with this arrangement on a permanent basis. I haven't found any, actually! I personally find it a constant balancing act to live under the same roof as a partner 24/7- not completely a struggle, but definitely a huge compromise I'd love to not have to make, and it's been a recurring source of issues with every partner I've had. 

So, good people of LS - but primarily men:

Imagine you have found the right partner for you, you are compatible in most ways, the lifestyles, values, worldview fit, they're loyal, committed, everything is fine BUT they don't want to live with you and you don't have a place to share - is this a deal-breaker?  Has anyone on LS successfully trialled it?

All contributions welcome!

 

Oh, sweet sweetness that cotton candy is.

That is exactly 100% what I'm looking for. Date someone, have a good thing going, but everyone goes back to their own home. No marriage expectations, no ideas about children. Hang out a few times a week, keep in touch, but don't be 100% contacting each other every day. I hate phone calls. I hate texting. I hate reporting to people what I'm up to. I hate making plans.  I dated someone like that once. 

She was living in Australia, I was living in the states. She would come visit me for a couple of weeks every 6 months, then she'd go back home to Australia and every time we'd see each other was like meeting for the first time. 

I don't enjoy sleeping with someone in the same bed. Man, why can't relationships like that be the standard.

[Emilie Jolie]

17 minutes ago, Azincourt said:

I hate phone calls. I hate texting. I hate reporting to people what I'm up to. I hate making plans. 

Haha I don't hate any of these things but I hear you.

 

18 minutes ago, Azincourt said:

I don't enjoy sleeping with someone in the same bed. Man, why can't relationships like that be the standard.

Why indeed. Or at least less of a problem, certainly in relationships formed later in life, when there may already be kids in the picture from previous marriages or whatever. Why is cohabiting considered the ultimate sign of commitment past a certain age? Is it companionship?

[Ellener]

I'd say a couple should negotiate and do what works for them! 

Co-habiting as a practical arrangement or cultural accepted ( even required ) norm, that's a big topic 😃

 @Emilie Jolie before Covid I had decided I wanted another full-time relationship to grow old with but am having lots of time to reflect on why and how: one thing which struck me is I don't want it to be like my 'relationship' with Loveshack! which I use as a daily crutch and run to when I am unoccupied or perturbed or for advice or comfort. I think in my last marriage there was definitely an element of that ( for us both ) which wasn't good for the relationship and undermined the fun of it.

[elaine567]

12 hours ago, Mystery4u said:

Making love and eating that yummy mango every day and night... why would any man want to give that up?

I think this^^^ may be a big part of why you are finding it difficult to find men who want to "live apart".
SEX.
Men like sex and attention and a woman 2 hours away or even just down the road is not going to be "available".
I would guess and I could be wrong but any man willing to "live apart" is doing so because he wants to explore other options as they present, at the same time. I would guess Trevor Noah has a steady stream of interested women.

Most men especially older men do not have the opportunity to acquire a harem.
They are often lucky to find one woman, so the last thing they want to do is to "live apart" and potentially lose her. 
Of course there are also the "set in their ways" men, who may agree to an arrangement, but they often come with other "issues" too.

Edited June 23, 2020 by elaine567

[Emilie Jolie]

@elaine567, yes could be down to needing someone to be just there.

I don't think that's an issue coming from them, it's more of a 'me' issue; it just means that I'm the one who has to adjust or the pool of men I'd me compatible with would be incredibly small.

I've always felt like I was the outlier, or was made to feel that way.

It's frustrating because I am a very committed partner. I guess that's not enough in the end. Or maybe I've not been able to communicate my needs properly.

 

[Emilie Jolie]

1 hour ago, Ellener said:

I'd say a couple should negotiate and do what works for them! 

Absolutely. In my case, I feel like,on this cohabiting thing, it's a deal breaker for many so the negociation is really only going one way after a while. 

[SumGuy]

5 hours ago, Emilie Jolie said:

Some days together, some days on my own. Just not having the expectation to see each other day in day out. 

I get that, or more in my case the expectation even if we live together that we are doing something together every day.  We genuinely like to talk to each other about our plans and day, we are like best friends in that regard, always a person who will listen and give advice in a supportive way.

  Yeah, there is a bit of that. Maybe that's just the current situation but I do feel like I don't get a lot of breathing space. My place is very small and I still feel like I have all the space in the world when I'm there. His place is fairly big but somehow we end up being together all the time. I find this suffocating, if I'm honest.

Space can be an issue, agree it is a mental thing.  With my girlfriend is it not like she "takes" space or alters it but adds to it, which is odd as even with my kids I can feel a difference.  Based on relativity I am going with she is a being of pure light so she doesn't warp space-time    This is fairly rare actually, so it is not every woman I've been involved with I've felt this comfortable with.  Also with her I feel I can be myself without any censorship so it never feels suffocating, rather supportive...though it can be distracting since she is hot.

In a large space maybe this is why people have man caves and she sheds  

Which really is just a 'me' problem, I can see that, it's not a big deal in the scheme of things, but it's just made me wonder if there were couples who pulled off living separately successfully.

  If he is really in to you, you have a good connection I would imagine this is something that can be talked about and life adjusted.  Do you have pets?  They share our space but we rarely feel it is intrusive even though they can be "demanding" when it comes to "play with me", "feed me", take me out"    Maybe you could access that mental space, as we intuitively trust our pets at a deep level and are not uncomfortable in there presence.

All in all though, this is not something that needs to be rushed, if things are going good why not take some years to figure it out?  For me though, by about 60 I'd like to have it figured out.