Would you consider a permanent live-out relationship?

[Emilie Jolie]

1 hour ago, chillii said:

l can understand that most women would be offended if it was time but you didn't wanna live with her too but it's about some kind of future . She'd say wth is she doing with him if he didn't want a proper future with her, perfectly understandable. He's not gonna wanna live together just so that he can watch you why would he giva fk l don't even know where you'd get an idea like that , if he didn't want one.

lf LS is any judge most women have trouble getting a guy to stick around anyway so maybe it might suit more guys than l'd think. l love my space always have , had a lot of trouble being married. l could go either way with age now but my gf and l just want to be together properly now so with her it's just what l want too , maybe someone else l wouldn't don't know really.

Yeah I can totally see his side of the fence. As I said if I can't get my way I move in with him; if I don't move in for good I think he'll split. What I can't wrap my head around is that I told him on meeting, straight away, that I'm not the moving in type. We had a bunch of chats in which he said he got it, he was fine with it,  he'll never force my hand on this, etc. Except he isn't fine with it at all, apparently. I get it, we get older, our minds change, etc.

We'll see how things go in a few weeks or so. 

[Azincourt]

4 hours ago, chillii said:

l can understand that most women would be offended if it was time but you didn't wanna live with her too but it's about some kind of future . She'd say wth is she doing with him if he didn't want a proper future with her, perfectly understandable. He's not gonna wanna live together just so that he can watch you why would he giva fk l don't even know where you'd get an idea like that , if he didn't want one.

lf LS is any judge most women have trouble getting a guy to stick around anyway so maybe it might suit more guys than l'd think. l love my space always have , had a lot of trouble being married. l could go either way with age now but my gf and l just want to be together properly now so with her it's just what l want too , maybe someone else l wouldn't don't know really.

 

 

 

 

I don't see the point on investing money on something that will not pan out. Most relationships don't turn into marriage or even into a co-habitation relationship, so all the money spent on rent or a motgage sharing it with someone else would be thrown into the air when the relationship inevitably ends. Besides. There ain't enough space in my bathroom for all my hair and skin products as it is.

[chillii]

3 hours ago, Emilie Jolie said:

Yeah I can totally see his side of the fence. As I said if I can't get my way I move in with him; if I don't move in for good I think he'll split. What I can't wrap my head around is that I told him on meeting, straight away, that I'm not the moving in type. We had a bunch of chats in which he said he got it, he was fine with it,  he'll never force my hand on this, etc. Except he isn't fine with it at all, apparently. I get it, we get older, our minds change, etc.

We'll see how things go in a few weeks or so. 

 

Ahhh , right. l mean that's fair you were up front, not like he hasn't known. As his feelings grew he'd be thinking you'd change your mind. Suppose you could try it if it comes to that but as you know that becomes a much harder web to untangle from if it still doesn't suit you.  Be great if you've both got places and you could just stay over more trying yourself out , without actually fully moving in. Good luck anyway.

 

 

 

Edited June 28, 2020 by chillii

[Azincourt]

I know a guy who is in his 70s, has his own place, and his girlfriend also has her own home.  it's great. They love it.

[introverted1]

Living Apart Together (LAT) is definitely a thing, as someone said.

In the town where I used to live, there was a semi-famous couple who bought a house with a guest cottage on the same property.  She lived in the main house and he in the cottage.  That has always sounded like an ideal blend of enough time together and also enough space of one's own.

If you google LAT, you'll see lots of examples. 

Edited June 28, 2020 by introverted1

[Emilie Jolie]

On 6/28/2020 at 10:13 PM, introverted1 said:

If you google LAT, you'll see lots of examples. 

I have. There does seem to be a geographical element to it; it's not really a thing where I live, and I don't know any couple in my circle who does this. There doesn't seem to be that many on LS either surprisingly.

I have a feeling it'll more popular with time.

[SumGuy]

1 hour ago, Emilie Jolie said:

I have. There does seem to be a geographical element to it; it's not really a thing where I live, and I don't know any couple in my circle who does this. There doesn't seem to be that many on LS either surprisingly.

I have a feeling it'll more popular with time.

I'm not certain it will become more popular, the heart wants what it wants.  Wanting to live with the love of your life is pretty common.  I can see circumstances making it more prevalent, or even less so as there is a real economic advantage to living together.

[Emilie Jolie]

1 minute ago, SumGuy said:

I'm not certain it will become more popular, the heart wants what it wants.  

I don't know. I'm thinking as more and more neurodiverse people find their feet in 'mainstream' society with their needs accepted and understood, this LAT thing can take off. You can have found 'the love of your life' as you say and not want to live with them, because it has nothing to do with what the heart wants for many people. Younger generations will have seen the headache blended families can sometimes cause, the relocations, the job moves etc and will settle for less drama.

I personally see no big enough  financial advantage that will offset not having my own space for a day or two per week. That has zero to do with how I feel about my partner. 

[SumGuy]

5 hours ago, Emilie Jolie said:

I personally see no big enough  financial advantage that will offset not having my own space for a day or two per week. That has zero to do with how I feel about my partner. 

I am for each there own, I know for me separate is never the same intimacy level as together.

On finances, if my girlfriend and I moved in together, sold one of our houses, we could retire tomorrow and not change how we live...two mortgages, two sets of utility bills, two places to upkeep, it is several $1000s per month more than one shared place, let alone the equity we each have.  I realize that is not everyone's situation, for some the savings ad equity don't really move the needle.

[Emilie Jolie]

47 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

I realize that is not everyone's situation, for some the savings ad equity don't really move the needle.

Yeah, he owns his home outright and is in a much better financial position than I will ever be. Moving in him would be a no brainer if I was into that kind of stuff.

It is what it is...

 

[chillii]

48 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

I am for each there own, I know for me separate is never the same intimacy level as together.

On finances, if my girlfriend and I moved in together, sold one of our houses, we could retire tomorrow and not change how we live...two mortgages, two sets of utility bills, two places to upkeep, it is several $1000s per month more than one shared place, let alone the equity we each have.  I realize that is not everyone's situation, for some the savings ad equity don't really move the needle.

 

Yeah financially it's usually the way to go and whata a nice position to be in for you guys , are you gonna shack up sooner or later or ?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Veronica73]

I haven't read the whole thread, but this was discussed awhile ago. For me, LAT is the ideal relationship. I like having my own space. I think having a duplex, or two flat, or be next door neighbors would be great.

[SumGuy]

13 hours ago, chillii said:

Yeah financially it's usually the way to go and whata a nice position to be in for you guys , are you gonna shack up sooner or later or ?

Define "shack up" :)  The decision comes in about 2 years when all my kids are out on their own, her's already are but you never know with one.  It's tough, we both have sentimental attachments to our places.

It's only because we are both older 50+ that we have this situation.   It is common around here with people our age who became single later in life (via divorce, widowed, widower) to have a job and home.   Especially those of us from humble origins as we didn't spend every penny we made like the gravy train would never end, that and we don't have taste for expensive toys or "experiences."

[SumGuy]

13 hours ago, Veronica73 said:

I haven't read the whole thread, but this was discussed awhile ago. For me, LAT is the ideal relationship. I like having my own space. I think having a duplex, or two flat, or be next door neighbors would be great.

That does sound nice, I could be down with that.

[Emilie Jolie]

14 hours ago, Veronica73 said:

For me, LAT is the ideal relationship. I like having my own space. I think having a duplex, or two flat, or be next door neighbors would be great.

Yep, that's what I would want too. 

[Weezy1973]

48 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

Yep, that's what I would want too. 

So at the end of the day, is it a dealbreaker for you? That’s the only thing that matters. If he’s insistent on living together, you can tell him it’s not the type of relationship you’re looking for and end things. 
 

[Emilie Jolie]

Him wanting to live together isn't exactly a dealbreaker for me; him insisting on it, making it a dealbreaker for him, and not seeing it any other way, is the dealbreaker, if that makes sense.

As mentioned upthread, I was upfront with him from the beginning. I've not mislead him. Not sure what he thought was going to happen.

This is not the right timing to make any sort of definitive decision now with everything else going anyway. We'll see how it plays out. 

[FMW]

I was married for 23 years and shared a home with my then husband.  I don't feel any desire to do either again - marry or live together.

I definitely do want to spend several nights a week together, if I love someone I love sleeping with them, having their arm around me while I sleep, being able to reach out and touch them.  But I don't want to share the same space 24/7.  

I like time alone to decompress, I love having my own space and being able to have complete silence when I want it.  Being able to run around with conditioner in my hair and a charcoal mask on my face in an old ratty tshirt.  Going to bed at 8pm when I have to get up early for work the next morning, or getting up in the middle of the night and watching a movie at 2am without having to consider anyone else.  

None of that means I can't be fully committed and love a guy.   

Edited July 1, 2020 by FMW

[SumGuy]

1 hour ago, FMW said:

I like time alone to decompress, I love having my own space and being able to have complete silence when I want it.  Being able to run around with conditioner in my hair and a charcoal mask on my face in an old ratty tshirt.  Going to bed at 8pm when I have to get up early for work the next morning, or getting up in the middle of the night and watching a movie at 2am without having to consider anyone else.  

Fair enough, but all that is possible living with the right person...not sure why it would not be.  Especially if your at home lifestyles and way of seeing an doing mesh.

I would never want to live with someone if I didn't feel I could such tings and be myself or have time by myself.

[Gaeta]

 LAT is not something I would have agreed with when I was young and looking forward to marriage and children. Now later in life it's something I definetly would accept. Actually boyfriend and I have been doing it for 4+ years and we like joking that's why our relationship is the best we've both had in our life. My boyfriend spends about 5 nights a week here and 2 to his place. It's ramdom, there is no definite days he's here or there. It works well for us, it gives us a bit of breathing room and it's always exciting to see each other when he returns. 

I don't agree with men in general wouldn't agree with this arrangement because they like sex everynight. Who are we kidding lol, Couples living together have less sex than when they were dating, it's just like that. 

[FMW]

On 7/1/2020 at 4:38 PM, SumGuy said:

that is possible living with the right person

People who love living together should live together, that's probably the majority of couples.  It's great that those couples are totally comfortable doing whatever they want to do while having someone else in the same space. 

I'm just not one of those people.  Of course I could be wrong, but I don't think it's because I just haven't met the right person.  The OP asked if people would consider it, she appears to not be one of those people either.  That doesn't mean she's not with the "right" person.  Unfortunately it's just not something her boyfriend is compatible with.  

Everyone's lives don't have to follow the same structure or rules.  

[SumGuy]

2 hours ago, FMW said:

..

Everyone's lives don't have to follow the same structure or rules.  

Agreed 100%, I am the last person to say such a thing.   Just giving the other side...there is an awful lot though in that right person...also your situation can preclude it, like if you lived in a studio apartment.  

These are just my take and if was the guy in OP's situation I would be a lot more accommodating of her lifestyle..separate room to sleep in, make sure the house is not just me and my style but ours, and certainly a space that is all hers, slow down the day of complete move in, etc.  There are many ways he could compromise (and still get what he almost certainly mostly wants and more than he has).  In my view if one really cared, if this was THE person you would want to live the rest of your life with (and not that you just want A person to live with because that is the kind of relationship you need) then you are willing to compromise some.  I realize it is a matter of degree, but it seems to me the OPs guy is shooting himself in the foot. 

[poppyfields]

On 6/23/2020 at 9:58 AM, Emilie Jolie said:

Thank you for getting it. It's not a new relationship, and everything is mostly fine really, but it'd be great if he would consider it. Hopefully we'll figure it out; I don't want it to be a deal-breaker but fear it may end up being one on his end as he is showing big signs that he's running out of patience. We'll see.

I don't know his Meye-Briggs thing - I come up as INFJ-A on those tests. I don't know what the A stands for, nor have looked closely into it, to be honest. Maybe I should ask him.

Emilie, I totally get you and I'm the same, like exactly!  

In my previous LTR, we did live together but we had separate bedrooms.  We were literally crazy for each other, we just both needed our own space.  

Sex was off the charts fantastic and we had sex every night!  Often times, he would "sneak" into my room at night and surprise me! 

It kept things exciting and alive for years. 

With my current bf, we do not live together but live close by.

We do not spend every night together nor do I even want to!  I enjoy the feeling of missing him, which keeps things from becoming stale and mundane, for both of us.

What I have discovered in my relationships is that the more one person resists something the other wants, the more the other wants it or thinks they do.

In your case, your bf is pushing to live together, you are resisting, therefore the more he will want it and push for it.

Be careful with that as once you give him what he says he wants, he may not want it anymore.

This does happen, it actually happened to me in my previous LTR;  my ex was pushing for years to get married, but I was resisting.

Once I agreed and we got engaged, which I was actually excited about despite all my previous resisting, he began the process of sabotaging it, resulting in its very ugly and bitter ending.

Stay true to yourself!  There is absolutely nothing "wrong" with having the mindset that you have.

There are men who share your view about it, I am currently in a long term RL with such a man.

It took some time to find the right balance for us, but we finally did through open and honest communication and lots of love!  

Edit:  The "A" stands for advocate. Or idealist. 

 

Edited July 3, 2020 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

Re LAT, I never heard of that till now, but yes!!!

That is exactly what my bf and I have  and would not want it any other way!

Emilie, if this were me, I'd be open and honest with your bf about how you feel.

Explain to him that by him pushing living together, he is actually pushing you away. 

[Emilie Jolie]

6 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Explain to him that by him pushing living together, he is actually pushing you away. 

Thanks for the insight, Poppy! And thanks for Meyer-Briggs thing. Idealist...That explains A LOT! I should read more about this INFJ profile :).

As for the above, he knows. He's known since day 1. Well, not day 1 but at least week 3!

Hoping it's just the COVID talking, that's why he's putting extra pressure.

Thing is, I don't commit lightly, so letting go has to be a well thought-out decision. I'm not really feeling myself at the moment, so I'm thinking anything I decide now will not be done under the best conditions. He's not really himself either, and I feel like if we're going to part ways (which I'm really sensing is looking increasingly likely), we owe it to our (mostly lovely) relationship to do it in the kindest of ways. It sucks, but I have to follow my own advice: sometimes, love isn't enough .