Would you consider a permanent live-out relationship?

[thefooloftheyear]

Who was it that said, "I don't pay for sex, I pay them to leave"....😂

If there are kids involved its NOT ideal.....There is too much work that needs to be shared....But in the case that there aren't, then there is no reason it can't be done successfully...I dont see an issue..

If you want my .02, I think that a lot of the guys that aren't down with it probably have trust issues and feel like they can't relax knowing that a woman in her own place could be taking other guys in...I dunno...just a gut feeling...

TFY

[Emilie Jolie]

10 minutes ago, thefooloftheyear said:

If you want my .02, I think that a lot of the guys that aren't down with it probably have trust issues and feel like they can't relax knowing that a woman in her own place could be taking other guys in...I dunno...just a gut feeling..

It's possible I guess. He's never shown any other sign of lack of trust or possessiveness, though. I think he genuinely is hurt by the thought that I'd want to spend time away from him. Which is not the case at all. I just like my own time. 

[mark clemson]

I haven't read the whole thread, so apologies if this doesn't align to the current drift of the posts.

Living Apart Together is a thing. So there are people who like this.

My personal belief is this is for people who have "avoidant attachment styles" to a greater or lesser degree. (That's not a judgement on you. Nor is it a scientific fact, just my pet theory.)

My belief is two people with a similar level of avoidant attachment are well-matched as they can remain apart for some substantial % of the time, but still be emotionally and romantically linked successfully, and will both actually prefer and appreciate the arrangement.

[chillii]

On 6/23/2020 at 9:19 AM, Emilie Jolie said:

Fair enough - I see what you mean in terms of worldview incompatibility.

The above really is cohabitation under 2 different roofs, which sounds a little bit too disruptive to me, to be honest.

I'm also a 'forever' kind of person. I'm after a partnership, but not a merger if that makes sense. I am a super committed person who happens to like my space. It's difficult to convey that in a way that doesn't hurt his ego or make him a little insecure, so I end up relenting.

Which is mostly fine but it'd be nice to have the option to go back to my place on a more regular basis. 

 

THink truth be known ego , insecure , think your finding excuses there how about it's just not what someone in love usually has in mind long term. lf you said that to me l couldn't care less about ego or insecure l'd care about what l'm looking for just like it sure wouldn't be what most women in love want either.

But , that'd be if l was normal , but actually , l thought l wouldn't mind the idea myself haha.Def' not for awhile anyway, l dunno for how long though. l'd be thinking over a few years we might want more and that is happening with us . My gf and l have been living like that 2 yrs now because she was 12hours away and l wanted time . She also had legal drama so moving down to mine full time meant completely swapping that to my state which was really complicated and expensive. But it is getting harder and harder for us both and l do really miss us and over the long term now l would rather we were just together and that's that, and she def' does. Maybe if she lived 10 mins away , not sure , l think we'd still be at this point though tbh.

How old are ya , just roughly l mean if you don't mind that is, It just so happens my brothers been living like this with his gf 22yrs . They did live together at the start for awhile but then he left the city and bought a place up the country she didn't wanna live country full time though. But he was fine with that and they've been visiting since, 2o yrs. She comes up for a few wks or he goes down, they're 3hours apart. But  it's not what she wanted and it's caused a lot of problems and depression for her too over the years and l know she regrets wasting her life on living this way. She wanted a family and marriage , l really don't know why she stuck with it. They're both 52.

So if you'd call that success or not l don't know , but they're still together.

 

 

 

Edited June 24, 2020 by chillii

[Emilie Jolie]

6 hours ago, mark clemson said:

My personal belief is this is for people who have "avoidant attachment styles" to a greater or lesser degree. (That's not a judgement on you. Nor is it a scientific fact, just my pet theory.)

I don't know that much about it other than back when I was in therapy a few years ago, my counsellor who was big on that, gave me a test; it came back as having a secure attachment style with some avoidant behaviour, so maybe there's something there.

I don't know what he is, but I doubt he is avoidant. To me he appears secure, if a little old-school (charming in some ways, not very flexible in some other ways).

 

[Emilie Jolie]

59 minutes ago, chillii said:

So if you'd call that success or not l don't know , but they're still together.

 

That's quite a sad story  . Depression and regrets don't sound good at all, I hope she's well supported.

We're both in our 40s; kids together at this point is out of the question, on the fence about marriage (not a big deal to me either way).

If I can't get my way, I'll move in with him; if he can't get his way, I have a feeling he'll break up. Not a lot of wriggle room. 

Problem is that I'm being put off by his inflexibility.

 

[MJJean]

1 hour ago, Emilie Jolie said:

If I can't get my way, I'll move in with him; if he can't get his way, I have a feeling he'll break up. Not a lot of wriggle room. 

Problem is that I'm being put off by his inflexibility.

 

You seem to want very different lifestyles. You might have to accept that you and he simply aren't compatible and move on.

[Interstellar]

i’ve read of a rich married couple who do this. They purchased two houses on the same piece of land and would go on dates only if they feel positive.  Sounds like a great idea to me. But even if you’re not rich you can still do this at a smaller scale. Just see and date each other 3 times a week and don’t text in between unless it’s to set up a date or really important. If you’re both mature and committed and gonna be with each other for 50+ years this makes perfect sense. The best part is you don’t get too familiar with each other. My parents had a  distance relationship out of necessity and they were happily married for a long time.

EDIT: i forgot about the having kids part, lol. 

Edited June 24, 2020 by Interstellar

[CaliforniaGirl]

If I were divorced I would not remarry or live with a boyfriend. But I'd be glad to have a permanent (if you will) relationship of it were just the right one for me. While having my own home and he with his.  So I guess technically, yes, I'd do this. 

[mark clemson]

6 hours ago, Emilie Jolie said:

... when I was in therapy a few years ago, my counsellor who was big on that, gave me a test; it came back as having a secure attachment style with some avoidant behaviour, so maybe there's something there.  ... I don't know what he is, but I doubt he is avoidant.

Fair enough... 🙂

[chillii]

6 hours ago, Emilie Jolie said:

That's quite a sad story  . Depression and regrets don't sound good at all, I hope she's well supported.

We're both in our 40s; kids together at this point is out of the question, on the fence about marriage (not a big deal to me either way).

If I can't get my way, I'll move in with him; if he can't get his way, I have a feeling he'll break up. Not a lot of wriggle room. 

Problem is that I'm being put off by his inflexibility.

 

 

Yeah it is sad imo , l know she wanted kids badly too . l've actually told him a few times over the years wth don't you marry the poor thing and earlier to at least have kids or else set her free while she still had time.He's not a real talker so no one really knows why .

l have heard it other times though , but it doesn't really matter what anyone's does anyway  if two people or yourself or anyone prefers to live that way then glory to them. But yeah as with your bf l'd wouldn't expect many people to want to though long term and that's his problem ,  it's just not what he wants pure and simple.

 

 

 

[Emilie Jolie]

3 hours ago, MJJean said:

You seem to want very different lifestyles. You might have to accept that you and he simply aren't compatible and move on.

Yeah, but it's not that easy to 'move on', as you say...

@InterstellarI agree, I do think it makes sense. Just not for him, sadly.

[Emilie Jolie]

3 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

So I guess technically, yes, I'd do this. 

Thank you! Was starting to feel lonely! Apart from @jspiceand @basil67, there have not been a lot of positive feedback on this idea.

I'm surprised by that. Genuinely thought (or hoped rather) it was more widespread. 

 

Edited June 24, 2020 by Emilie Jolie

[elaine567]

15 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

but it's not that easy to 'move on', as you say...

That is probably why Chilli's brother's gf stuck in there, despite it being not what she wanted or would have chosen for her life.
Now older and "depressed" she realises she wasted her life...

I think LAT may be  a bit like an open relationship, i.e. if both are fully on board great but if one is and one isn't then it leads to huge problems.
Even suggesting it may shake a relationship and hurt the unwilling partner, which sounds like what is happening here.
Emilie suggested it, her bf is NOT on board and is likely prepared to split rather than do it.
Maybe that is not a bad thing.
Better he lay his cards on the table now than have him "put up with" the arrangement and find out later he was never ever really happy about it.

[jspice]

23 hours ago, Emilie Jolie said:

It's possible I guess. He's never shown any other sign of lack of trust or possessiveness, though. I think he genuinely is hurt by the thought that I'd want to spend time away from him. Which is not the case at all. I just like my own time. 

If that were the reason, that’s not your responsibility anyway. If someone wants you in the house to “watch” you due to HIS trust issue, that’s on him. 
 

I think  your guy sounds a bit unreasonable. He knows you want separate homes but doesn’t like that. I’d say a good compromise would be a spare room in the same house but he argues about that too. 

Its a tough spot to be in. What are your thoughts about moving forward in the relationship? 
 

[Emilie Jolie]

8 minutes ago, jspice said:

Its a tough spot to be in. What are your thoughts about moving forward in the relationship?

It really is.

Part of me thinks it's silly to break up over this, I should pull myself together and move in. I know that'd make him happy.

But the other part of me feels let down by his intransigence. It's not like he didn't know; I told him straight up at the beginning. We had a trial period a few years back that didn't work for me, and actually ended up breaking us up for a while. The circumstances were different, though.

So it's not a new issue at all,even if it's our only 'big' issue. We can't seem to work it out for some reason.

I'll wait until things are back to 'normal' and I've gone back to work and generally feel more like myself. I don't like making decisions when I don't feel on top of things.

I'm not on a deadline right now so there is some time to figure it out.

[jspice]

1 hour ago, Emilie Jolie said:

It really is.

Part of me thinks it's silly to break up over this, I should pull myself together and move in. I know that'd make him happy.

But the other part of me feels let down by his intransigence. It's not like he didn't know; I told him straight up at the beginning. We had a trial period a few years back that didn't work for me, and actually ended up breaking us up for a while. The circumstances were different, though.

So it's not a new issue at all,even if it's our only 'big' issue. We can't seem to work it out for some reason.

I'll wait until things are back to 'normal' and I've gone back to work and generally feel more like myself. I don't like making decisions when I don't feel on top of things.

I'm not on a deadline right now so there is some time to figure it out.

Probably best to wait, you’re right. 
Is he pretty rigid with other things, or just this one?

This is like a relationship where one person doesn’t want kids and the other does. Each one hopes ( believes?) the other will change their mind and then you’ve put in all this time only to eventually get to a deadlock. 
 

hope you figure it out. 

[Stillits]

I have never lived with a partner, but based on my thoughts on the matter, I think my ideal relationship would look like you describe. I fear that moving in with my partner would eventually cause me to feel suffocated; as a social low-energy person, one of the best things of coming home from work is to not have to relate to another person for a bit. I don't think it makes one any less committed to the relationship, it's just a matter of "different strokes for different folks". I don't want to start a family or necessarily get married, either. 
In fact, living apart and then "dating" or seeing each other 3 times or so a week (or whatever permits, doesn't have to be rigid) and take some weekends/weeks off together on occasion, seem just about perfect. 

I can imagine it would be harder to find a person who is a good relationship fit, though, because moving in together seems to be a milestone in terms of how serious you are about one another..

Edited June 25, 2020 by Stillits

[Emilie Jolie]

1 hour ago, Stillits said:

I can imagine it would be harder to find a person who is a good relationship fit, though, because moving in together seems to be a milestone in terms of how serious you are about one another..

Yeah, moving in together or buying a house together is still considered a big thing.

It's not as common as I thought it was, which I'm quite surprised about. I thought people in my age range (40s) would be all over it, even those with kids - I would have thought to be the perfect solution, avoiding plenty of potential drama. Apparently not.🤷‍♀️

My instincts tell me it'll be more of a common arrangement in the few years, but who knows.

Which doesn't help my present dilemma.

 

[Els]

17 hours ago, Emilie Jolie said:

I'll wait until things are back to 'normal' and I've gone back to work and generally feel more like myself. I don't like making decisions when I don't feel on top of things.

This sounds like a good idea. Besides the reason you mentioned... I'm not sure how things are in the UK but maybe it's possible that the quarantine situation is making him feel temporarily different about this? If you're not living together during normal times, you can still see each other whenever you want. If you're not living together during a quarantine, then it makes things a lot more difficult to see each other. Also maybe if he's not seeing his friends/coworkers/etc he could be feeling lonelier than usual.

[Emilie Jolie]

 

25 minutes ago, Elswyth said:

maybe it's possible that the quarantine situation is making him feel temporarily different about this?

He's not stopped working (key worker) so his day has changed so much, but yeah you're right, I do feel like this lockdown has made him  more...sentimental, I guess. He had a couple of covid-19 shifts that affected him more than his usual job, for some reason, so that has maybe played on his mind a bit.

He's usually open to compromise so hoping he looks at this with fresh eyes and an open mind when things settle.

[Lorenza]

I would definitely consider a live-out option. 

I'm a sensitive sleeper and any noise or light disturbs me - I either can't fall asleep or wake up and then can't fall back asleep. It's very unlikely a guy wouldn't snore or have the exact same day rhytm going to sleep at 22 o'clock, as it's uncommon nowadays so I would end up having a lot of resentment and irritation. I hate anything (except my cat) that in any way disturbs my sleep with pure deep hatred haha. Also not a fan of background music! I just like silence. So yeah, either a live-out or a live-in with separate bedrooms. 

In general, I think it's so unromantic living together, always smelling each others poop, seeing each other's messes, thinking what should we eat etc. 

[Emilie Jolie]

2 hours ago, Lorenza said:

I'm a sensitive sleeper and any noise or light disturbs me

I have similar issues; with me it's the personal space and extra body heat. It's like sleeping with the radiator on full blast. 

It's just nice to have your own space for yourself. 

 

 

[chillii]

On 6/25/2020 at 2:07 AM, elaine567 said:

That is probably why Chilli's brother's gf stuck in there, despite it being not what she wanted or would have chosen for her life.
Now older and "depressed" she realises she wasted her life...

I think LAT may be  a bit like an open relationship, i.e. if both are fully on board great but if one is and one isn't then it leads to huge problems.
Even suggesting it may shake a relationship and hurt the unwilling partner, which sounds like what is happening here.
Emilie suggested it, her bf is NOT on board and is likely prepared to split rather than do it.
Maybe that is not a bad thing.
Better he lay his cards on the table now than have him "put up with" the arrangement and find out later he was never ever really happy about it.

 

Yeah it's a really weird thing with them and no one really knows even after all this time. l was drinking with him today , anyone else would let on or talk about that stuff but as usual , don't get a thing out of him. Said he went down to see her last week for a few days, that's it. l don't really get why she never moved on she'd have no problem doing so she gets along great with men.

 

 

 

 

 

[chillii]

On 6/24/2020 at 9:35 AM, Emilie Jolie said:

It's possible I guess. He's never shown any other sign of lack of trust or possessiveness, though. I think he genuinely is hurt by the thought that I'd want to spend time away from him. Which is not the case at all. I just like my own time. 

l can understand that most women would be offended if it was time but you didn't wanna live with her too but it's about some kind of future . She'd say wth is she doing with him if he didn't want a proper future with her, perfectly understandable. He's not gonna wanna live together just so that he can watch you why would he giva fk l don't even know where you'd get an idea like that , if he didn't want one.

lf LS is any judge most women have trouble getting a guy to stick around anyway so maybe it might suit more guys than l'd think. l love my space always have , had a lot of trouble being married. l could go either way with age now but my gf and l just want to be together properly now so with her it's just what l want too , maybe someone else l wouldn't don't know really.

 

 

 

 

Edited June 28, 2020 by chillii