Am I being Naïve?

[Bianca_26]

I’m a 23 yr old college student and I recently left my hometown in order to attend school. My boyfriend of 3 years and I had been long distance for 6 months before covid forced me to move back home. We  plan on moving into an apartment together in my college town this fall when the school opens back up. My bf has obstacles in the way though. He’s a DACA recipient and his mom is guilt tripping him into staying near her so that when the paperwork comes, he’s closer to the offices. She told him that she “understands he's making this move out of love and that she cant stop him because she couldn't stop his older sister“, when she fell in love, but that he “never thinks things through before he acts and it’s out of my hands, things would just be 100% easier if he stays close.” (He’s the only son)

On top of the guilt trip, we plan on sharing a car until we can save up for a new one. My bf suffers with anxiety and is easily hurt by his mothers words and is worried about the closeness of his move-out date, getting a car and continuing his own education. Any time I try to find a way to help, he admits that he doesn't know where to start. He’s said in the past that he’s ready to leave and start new with me multiple times, and I am ready to show him the town. I just worry he’s putting up a front and isn't ready. If I ask him if he's just telling me what i want to hear, he insists that he’s truthful,  I want to believe him, but a part of me still wonders if I am just being naïve, as we are both each-others first love. Any suggestions on how to help him or what I can do to encourage him but not force him into anything?  

[basil67]

I'm glad you're questioning whether you're being naive.  He probably will move out with your support.  But as much as you love him, it really sounds like you'll take the place of his mother and have to support him through life's changes and his personal growth.   He will probably do fine - but do you really want to take on the role of his mother?   I suspect that it will become tiresome for you and you'll lose attraction and respect for him.

[ShyViolet]

4 hours ago, Bianca_26 said:

 My bf has obstacles in the way though. He’s a DACA recipient and his mom is guilt tripping him into staying near her so that when the paperwork comes, he’s closer to the offices. 

I don't know enough about this process to say whether this is legitimate or not.  Would it really be necessary for him to stay near home for this?  Or is his mom just making stuff up to try and control him and prevent him from moving in with you?

[schlumpy]

I would drop the conversation if shows so little enthusiasm for an important step in life.

Leave it on the table but don't be surprised if mom wins this round.

Concentrate on your own life and reaching the goals you have set for yourself. At 23, it's probably damn near impossible not to not allow your feelings to hamstring your forward progress and hey, maybe he's worth the hiatus. That will your choice.

Just know the difference between what you want to happen and what is likely to happen. If you bully him into going with you and he regrets it what will happen then? He has to want to be with you and the choice he makes should clarify that answer and tell you what you need to do. 

[d0nnivain]

You have to empower him to make his own choices.  You can't make them for him.  Do not pressure him.  If he picks mom, understand that those apron strings may never be cut. 

You love him but you also don't know what is waiting for you at college.  Your world is about to open up.  The boy back home may not be able to hold a candle to all the new people & new ideas you will experience on campus.   

[Crazelnut]

You're definitely moving into "surrogate mom" territory. Clearly, he isn't mature enough for a live in relationship. 

[preraph]

His mom could decide to move in with you and he wouldn't stop her.  So you better wait until he has supported himself and lived on his own or you're just inheriting an immature child and you will just become his mother substitute.  Also, I don't know the mother's financial situation, but if she happens to be on welfare, she needs to have underaged kids (like grandkids) in the home to continue to collect, so there are a lot of people on that who get mad if their kids don't stay right there and have babies.  I had a friend who lost her whole family because she chose to move out and pursue a career instead of staying there having kids.  He doesn't sound at all certain, and he isn't, so I wouldn't buy anything with him or move in together at all until he's standing on his own two feet, if he ever does.  Some people in som cultures just keep living with their parents.    He may also feel he has to give them some of whatever they earn in the future.  So just be sure you know what his traditions are.  

Edited June 23, 2020 by preraph

[kendahke]

He needs to demonstrate a bit more independence.  He's too much at the mercy of the women in his life.  He'll be trading his mom for you as his mom and that will get old really fast.

He needs to live on his own for a few years, not enter into a codependent situation with you has his enabler.

[preraph]

He's still a boy, it's clear.  

[scooby-philly]

Had a somewhat opposite experience from you @Bianca_26. In the past was dating a woman who was in college and was younger than me. She was still living at home and her parents, particularly her mother, were shame based, had no friends, no social life, and lived in fear of everything. Her mom in particular was also very angry and bitter and felt like the world had passed her by. Suffice to say even though I was older and working and could offer my then gf a place to live, no matter how much she hated her parents and how much she wanted to just live her own life, she couldn't bring herself to make the decision to stand up to them and to also make the adult decision to own and expose her own shame - about her parents, her family, their socioeconomic status, etc. So in the end, she chose to end things. You're old enough now to recognize and learn that real relationships require two fully-functioning, committed, in love adults. He's not an adult yet and you don't need to tie yourself down any longer. Remember, the job of a partner/spouse is not to fix the other person. It's to support them. And if you've supported him long enough with this decision and this overall strain of thought, then you have the right to chose your own happiness and your own life over him. It sucks, but that's love and that's life.