I love my terrible ex more than my boyfriend

[SSE]

I don't know if this is the right forum to post, but here it goes. I'm currently not dating however my topic title says otherwise. But just hear me out. 

I am a 29F that had an affair with a married man (MM) for almost 3 years, from 2016 till 2019 (no judgment please, my story is on the OW/OM forum). We met at work. He's 14 years older than me. All the typical stuff. He would leave his family and so on. I fell for him hard. The affair had the typical push-pull dynamic. I wanted a real relationship, he wanted sex. I was hurt a lot during the affair. Eventually it ended after the fifth time I requested to leave me alone so I could move on with my life. 

I fell for him hard. He was my first in many ways. First time being in love. First kiss. First time being intimate. Even though he didn't treat me right. He used my inexperience and gullibility to get some sex of a young girl. He knew I loved him, and that I was hurting a lot because of the situation, but he didn't seem to care. He kept cheating on his wife and kept stringing me along. I loved him so much, I really clinged to the tiny bits of hope he gave me. To be crushed again and again. After sending a really clear message, he eventually left me alone. 

I went through hell afterwards. I missed him so much. I missed the feeling he gave me so much. Although he didn't treat me right, I felt some kind of connection with him. It felt like I loved him even though there wasn't that much to love if you look at the way he treated me. The affair caused me so much pain, and after it finally stopped, I wanted to move forward. After a while I started dating. After meeting about 15 men, I found someone I clicked with. Not like I clicked with the MM, but we also had a connection. The click I had with the MM was the same sense of humor, which I also had with my boyfriend. Humor makes me fall for someone. I started a relationship with my boyfriend. 

My boyfriend treated me so much better and gave me a real relationship. My boyfriend often said he loved me so much. However, I couldn't say it back... MM was still in my mind. I could not forget the strong feelings I had for him. They didn't went away. I never felt like that for my boyfriend. Those feelings confused me. If I really loved my boyfriend, then why do I keep thinking of another man? If I really love my boyfriend, shouldn't I have those strong feelings also towards him? I loved him in some way, but not enough if I compared with my feelings towards MM. So I broke it off with my boyfriend because it didn't feel right anymore. Towards him and myself. 

This was a couple of weeks before the lockdown. I had a hard time during the pandemic, also because I'm a very anxious person, and after about 1 year of NC, I decided to contact the MM again. He was very pleased to hear from me and the conversation quickly turned sexual from his side. He wanted to meet again. I loved hearing him again, the connection was still there. However, I discovered something that made me break contact with him again. During the beginning of 2019 he was contacting me claiming to miss me, wanting to meet as "good friends" and so on while ... his wife was actually pregnant again! So he wanted to cheat on his pregnant wife and wanted to use me again while he knew I was hurting. While he knew I only wanted to have contact with him again if he wanted a real relationship. While he knew he wasn't leaving her because of the pregnancy. I was angry and disgusted, so I broke off the contact. 

However, that anger and disgust is gone and now I mostly feel sadness. I don't know if someone understands this, but I even miss him. I will never hear or see him again (I deleted his contact info and he promised to leave me alone). I miss our connection and interactions although he didn't treat me right. He's happy with his little family and I'm all alone. Still pining over him. It's so hard to understand that I still love him. Has anyone been through something similar?

I don't want to love him anymore. I don't want those feelings anymore. He doesn't want me and never will. He claimed he will divorce her when the children are older, but that I shouldn't wait on that. He doesn't string me along anymore. Like he has become the good guy now. He rejected me again after I told him I still loved him. He just doesn't want me for anything else than sex, however, I can't seem to get him off my mind. He's still there, also in my heart. I don't know what to do. It undermines my chances on a real relationship with someone that actually loves me. Those feelings must dissapear. I don't want to pine my whole life for someone that only wants me for my holes... I feel like I can't get in a relationship with someone else because he won't stand a chance with these feelings I still have for MM... 

Has anyone been through something similar? Not able to let go of a bad person? Could you finally let go of that person? What did you do? I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I've been in therapy for some time now, but I don't have the feeling it's working. In July, I will start with another type of therapy, CBT. Maybe that will work, don't know... 

Thanks for your replies. 

[Kamchatker]

Does anyone want to talk in Skype?

[Kamchatker]

First and foremost . Are you really so hot that he can't find someone hotter than you? 

Well, I have similar problem. I would called it as an obsession. Why? Don't know. But as time is passing by it's getting vanished. I'm just trying to keep one thing in mind. Is to live right here and right now. Same wish to you. 
One more. Find things to do and enjoy them. Make your self busy. Really. No kidding. 
Don't try to find someone deliberately. He will pop out by himself.
The last thing. Love yourself and your close people. 

[chillii]

What , you want to waste your time talking to a total stranger you know nothing about on skype, just wtf.

Op , for a start look sorry but the ow is just as bad as the mm, there's no passing the buck and he's the big bad wolf and your all innocent , your breaking up a family and betraying a married woman , the same as he is. Unless she's a witch that doesn't even deserve a h and treats him like crap , there's no middle ground for either of you. And you weren't a young girl what 25 26 , women get married way younger than that , move across the world start families build lives, sorry just calling it like it is.

As far as what to do , unfortunately you know there's no where for it to go and what you've gotta do .There'll be someone new one day but no pain no glory unfortunately there's not much way round doing the hard yard first . Your still young though with your whole life ahead and if you break this cycle now and keep it ended , you can find your own happiness with the right person. Good luck.

Edited June 23, 2020 by chillii

[gaius]

People who treat me incorrectly have always gone right out the window. And my only regret is that I didn't toss them out sooner. There's 0 longing for them involved. But that's my thing.

Your thing, which I've seen in women before, is that you get off on being treated like garbage. Like you're second rate. Which is fine but not something therapy is going to cure. What turns you on turns you on. That's permanently built into us.

What you're probably going to have to do is find a happier medium. You're never going to be happy with a guy who treats you like a princess but maybe get by with someone who isn't that thrilled with you but isn't married and is willing to dedicate himself to you, albeit hesitantly. Maybe a guy who loves his job and career way more than you. Just something not what your current boyfriend is.

Bottom line, you can't be someone you're not just because society thinks all women should be loved and cherished by their partners.

[d0nnivain]

You now have a better handle on who your MM is & what he wants.  Let that anger fuel you away from him.  

You can try making a list of the all the lies & rotten things he did to you.  When you feel weak or nostalgic, read the list. 

Meanwhile break up with this BF.  You are not yet ready or healed enough to be a good partner.  

[smackie9]

That's why so many women like MM...it's the challenge, having something you can't completely have, the thrill of the indecision, ego boost being desired by someone taken. You don't miss the man as much as the relationship itself and what it gave you mentally/emotionally. You finally have something normal, a sweet guy that gives himself completely but it's nothing compare to the boost you get from the MM.

Maybe you could use a few therapy sessions to discover the truth behind why you had put yourself in this situation. You might learn some good things, that will help you with your struggle and how to deal with this, then to prepare you to move on.

Edited June 24, 2020 by smackie9

[Kamchatker]

On 6/24/2020 at 12:31 AM, chillii said:

What , you want to waste your time talking to a total stranger you know nothing about on skype, just wtf.

It's ok cuz some people just need to have their say and that's it. So you can do it online if you wish. 

[FMW]

SSE, I also was involved with a MM for three years and I was very much in love with him.  That experience is what brought me to LoveShack, my initial thread covers that experience.

He actually ghosted me for three months after those three years together, and then popped back up - with another OW - and apparently thought I would be happy to resume things.  Fully accepting and feeling the humiliation of allowing myself to be in that position was what got me to the point of letting him go.  It took another year and half to get to a reasonable state of being "over" him where I wasn't still actively feeling the heartache.  I'll probably always remember that love, it didn't go away just because I don't want anything to do with him now.  But that's the cost of making bad choices, you live with the consequences. 

You have to get to your breaking point of not being willing to be "that" woman anymore.  Only you can figure out where that point lies.  Stop allowing yourself to romanticize the relationship.  Take a hard, cold realistic look at everything - him, you, and exactly what your relationship was.  Demand more of and for yourself.  Don't allow him or anyone else to treat you as a sidepiece, an option.  

And I agree with the advice that you are NOT ready for a boyfriend right now, it wouldn't be fair to him.  I spent a lot of time with friends, family, hobbies and work.  It's taken awhile, but I'm now seeing a guy that is the most decent man I've ever known other than my father.  The difference in how he treats me and how I feel, compared to the experience with MM, is night and day.  I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that what I'm experiencing now is what I want and need.  I feel a different kind of love for him but it includes a profound respect and admiration that would have never been possible with the MM.   

Edited June 25, 2020 by FMW

[Weezy1973]

You keep talking about your feelings, but honestly feelings don’t mean anything. Sometimes it takes awhile to figure that out. 
 

What is meaningful are values. What are your core values when it comes to relationships? Sometimes upholding our values is hard, but will pay dividends. If you start focusing on your values and ignoring your feelings, you will see a path forward.

[SSE]

Too quick with my post.

Edited June 29, 2020 by SSE

[SSE]

I don't have a boyfriend anymore. I broke up with him before I contacted MM again. Because I still have these intense feelings for MM, it didn't feel right towards my boyfriend to continue the relationship. I wrote 'boyfriend' in my thread title to see if other people would recognize themself in my story. 

On 6/23/2020 at 3:59 PM, gaius said:

People who treat me incorrectly have always gone right out the window. And my only regret is that I didn't toss them out sooner. There's 0 longing for them involved. But that's my thing.

I wish I could have an attitude like that, but I haven't. I won't go in to details, but MM didn't treat me right. Instead of walking away, I stayed for too long. Hoping he would change. But he never did. I didn't like I was treated that way, it caused me a lot of pain, but it took me ages to finally stop with that 'relationship'.

What attracted me towards MM was his sense of humor. He wasn't Mr. Nice Guy, and he would tease me as well. I like it when a guy dares to tease because I like to do it as well. Most nice guys don't dare to give you a tease and that's too bad because generally they have great norms and values. However, sometimes the MM was outright cruel in my eyes with his comments. Humor according to him... Most people wouldn't find that funny when I told his 'joke'. He didn't have a lot of empathy towards me.

My boyfriend was the light version of MM. He also liked to tease me, but was respectful and apologized when he crossed the line. He did have empathy and took my feelings into account. He was better to me in all ways compared to MM, wanted to give me a real relationship, yet the feelings for MM are more intense. Which I find so bizarre! I just don't understand it. Maybe because of all the push and pull dynamic. But I want to get rid of it, because it hinders me a lot. And it's not that I can compare with a relationship I had before MM, because MM was my first. 

[SSE]

On 6/25/2020 at 4:20 PM, FMW said:

I'll probably always remember that love, it didn't go away just because I don't want anything to do with him now.  But that's the cost of making bad choices, you live with the consequences. 

Do you still love your MM? I hope (for myself) that that feeling of love will go away... 

 

On 6/25/2020 at 4:20 PM, FMW said:

I feel a different kind of love for him but it includes a profound respect and admiration that would have never been possible with the MM.   

Can you explain this further? I also felt another kind of love for my boyfriend, but if I compared it with my feelings towards MM... Those were much more intense. That's why I broke it off with my boyfriend. Is this other kind of love enough for you (I don't mean to be harsh towards your boyfriend)? Don't you want MM back? Have you actually ever heard from him since you broke it off? 

[SSE]

On 6/25/2020 at 5:16 PM, Weezy1973 said:

You keep talking about your feelings, but honestly feelings don’t mean anything

Why don't they mean anything? You at least should have some feelings towards the person you're dating? How else can you have a relationship? 

[SSE]

On 6/23/2020 at 2:02 PM, Kamchatker said:

Are you really so hot that he can't find someone hotter than you? 

Oh God, no. I'm even overweight. But I think it's not that easy to find a girl that will have sex with you while you're married and won't say anything against the wife. I think. 

 

On 6/23/2020 at 1:03 PM, Kamchatker said:

Does anyone want to talk in Skype?

Thanks for the offer, but I prefer to chat in this thread. 

[FMW]

47 minutes ago, SSE said:

Do you still love your MM?

Yes, but at the same time I most definitely don't want anything to do with him.  I still love my ex-husband as well, but the same, I don't want him in my life.  If I really love someone it doesn't go away.  But it's not an active love, as in I don't want or need to do anything with it.  It's firmly in the past.  I'm sure that's hard, if not impossible, for someone else to understand if they haven't actually experienced it, I don't know how else to explain it.  

50 minutes ago, SSE said:

Is this other kind of love enough for you

The guy I'm seeing is a widower, his wife died only 20 months ago.  We both need and want to take things slower and not just jump in to things, like I did with the MM.  I really like what we have right now, and I love him as a person, as a friend.   But it's still developing and I'm not making any predictions about the future. 

Sure, I miss the intensity of what I had with MM, but that intensity came from the uncertainty and inconsistency of the relationship.  It messes with your head.  Read up on intermittent reinforcement.  It's addictive and unhealthy - and it's exactly what relationships with unavailable men provide.  Once you realize that it makes a lot more sense and it's easier (but NOT easy) to work on leaving it behind you. 

[Weezy1973]

3 hours ago, SSE said:

Why don't they mean anything? You at least should have some feelings towards the person you're dating? How else can you have a relationship? 

I mean feelings shouldn’t drive our behaviors / actions. For example, you might crave junk food, but that doesn’t mean you should eat junk food. 
 

In this case, despite having strong feelings for your “terrible ex” doesn’t mean you should be with him or stay in contact. In fact you should probably do the opposite and disconnect from him completely.

[Content]

On 6/23/2020 at 9:59 AM, gaius said:

People who treat me incorrectly have always gone right out the window. And my only regret is that I didn't toss them out sooner. There's 0 longing for them involved. But that's my thing.

Your thing, which I've seen in women before, is that you get off on being treated like garbage. Like you're second rate. Which is fine but not something therapy is going to cure. What turns you on turns you on. That's permanently built into us.

What you're probably going to have to do is find a happier medium. You're never going to be happy with a guy who treats you like a princess but maybe get by with someone who isn't that thrilled with you but isn't married and is willing to dedicate himself to you, albeit hesitantly. Maybe a guy who loves his job and career way more than you. Just something not what your current boyfriend is.

Bottom line, you can't be someone you're not just because society thinks all women should be loved and cherished by their partners.

Depends on the situation..I knew a women like that and it was because she was abused as a child.. She went to therapy and eventually realized the reason she chose these type of men and eventually stopped and went for more normal guys.

[spiderowl]

Quote

 

I think the push/pull dynamic that you experienced with MM tends to be dramatic and addictive.  Most of the time you would have been longing to see him and to speak to him.  When you were together it would be brief but exciting.  He goes and you don't want him to.

With your boyfriend who cares about you, there is none of that because he cares for you and he is available.  These are good things but do not provide the drama that you had before.  In that respect, it might feel your relationship with him is lacking.

However, sometimes there is just a connection with one person that cannot be found with another.  Funny and playful is attractive (if not too childish).  Serious and caring can seem lacking in fun.  

It's a shame that you have not found in your boyfriend whatever it was attracted you to MM.  It is best you leave him be if you know you are never going to feel the same.  Think though, how would you feel if your (ex) boyfriend was suddenly unavailable to you and it had not been your choice to exit the relationship?  Would that have made him more appealing in some way?

[spiderowl]

Oh, by the way, I have noticed that when chatting online married men can be incredibly funny and playful.  That's because they are playing.  They have their wife at home waiting for them so an affair with someone else is not 'all or nothing' for them.  They have someone in their corner to fall back on who they trust.  They know they can play because 'Mum' is back home in the kitchen waiting with dinner.  It is easy to recognise married men online, even if they don't admit to it - their playful attitude is a real giveaway!