I've got myself in a messed up situation. Now I feel dreadful!

[NoIdeaAboutNothing]

Hello,

I have gotten myself in a messed up situation and honestly I don't know what to do. I will start by saying that I know the circumstances are odd and maybe a tad disturbing to some. 

I have been in a relationship with an incredible woman for many years and I hope to get engaged to her in the near future. She's incredibly funny, caring and beautiful but we don't have sex. I know, why isn't this in another thread? I will get to that. 

Unfortunately intercourse is incredibly painful for her, although I forget the name of the exact problem, therefore we only do a few "other things". However, the latter is not frequent as she is often not enthused because of her problem. Anxiety around it prevents her from seeking medical help.

I have (I would say) a high sex drive but have no desire to cheat on her or find someone else. Unfortunately, I turned to self pleasuring over "online materials" including celebrities. 

I know, really? 

During this I have found an online friend who chats with me about these celebrities in a sexual way (gets weirder right?) and we would occasionally talk about these inaccessible women - the celebrities we found attractive. I have found that these chats have become a substitute for my lack of intercourse in the relationship. Allowing me to get some physical pleasure that's a little different, even if not remotely the same, without physically cheating. 

I have tried to stop but the Coronovirus situation has caused me (all of us I guess) to feel more frustrated and anxious. These chats have become more frequent and help alleviate some of my frustrations and anxiety.

However, it's been dawning on me that this is not only messed up but is basically cheating! I used it as a substitute, an excuse to say that I am not physically or otherwise chatting or looking at girls, "only celebrities". Therefore it was okay. Really though, not only is it disrespectful to those women but it kind of seems to be a form of cheating but I am finding it very difficult to stop. 

I know it's odd. I really do! I love her and I would rather be someone who practices what they preach about being faithful and committed to the person you're with. Instead, I do this. 

Any suggestions? I appreciate any harsh comments sent my way. 

 

Edited June 23, 2020 by NoIdeaAboutNothing

[d0nnivain]

It's not cheating to talk to somebody else.  

What you really have to think about why you want to stay with somebody who won't get medical attention for a medical problem.  Shyness or anxiety are no excuses.  If she thought she had cancer or Covid, she'd get to a doctor.  Painful sex should be no different.  The idea that won't do this even for you, the man she allegedly loves, makes your decision to stick around in this unfulfilling mess all the more puzzling.  

[FMW]

In addition to the above response, I think you should consider that this situation isn't going to be sustainable in the long term.  Right now you're ok just talking and viewing celebrities.  But I think it's highly likely that at some point you will meet someone, face to face, that will be a major temptation for you, no matter how unlikely you find that idea right now.  Your needs are not being met by your girlfriend and it doesn't look like that's going to change.  You need to carefully consider the future before committing to someone.    

[elaine567]

15 minutes ago, NoIdeaAboutNothing said:

Unfortunately intercourse is incredibly painful for her, although I forget the name of the exact problem, therefore we only do a few "other things". However, the latter is not frequent as she is often not enthused because of her problem. Anxiety around it prevents her from seeking medical help.

Vaginismus?
DO NOT get engaged to this woman unless this problem is sorted out.
You can't spend your life in a sexless relationship, that would be madness as you already know the problem.
Life is hard enough without diving straight into such problems.
Tell her to seek help and if she refuses, then I would run far away if I were you.

[Amethyst68]

If the talking is sexual and in secret behind his partner's back then it is very much cheating. Most people would call it an emotional affair.

Edited to add: I would agree that it's best not to marry this woman if you can't sort out the sexual problems. The chances are you'll grow to resent her over the years especially if she's not willing to try and address the situation.com

Edited June 23, 2020 by Amethyst68

[BaileyB]

I am less concerned about the “cheating” than I am about the fact that you have a high sex drive and you are about to commit yourself to being with a woman who can’t have sex. Regardless of how “wonderful” this woman may be, this is not a recipe for a happy life my friend. 

[ShyViolet]

I don't think there's anything wrong whatsoever with what you are doing.... talking to someone online.  As long as you have no intentions to meet up in person, it's harmless.  You have an unhealthy amount of self-shaming around perfectly normal things that are part of human sexuality.

But I agree with what others have said.  You shouldn't marry this woman until she makes some effort to resolve her problem.  What kind of relationship would that be?  You are clearly not getting your needs met from this relationship.