Cassiemel Posted June 23, 2020 Share Posted June 23, 2020 (edited) Sorry to make this little long but I ask everyone who has time and effort to read my story and experience, highly appreciate it. I’m 23 this person is nearly 29. I’ve met them around this April and things ended at the start of June. So very short dating time. Let’s call this person “S”. At first he seemed interested, joyful and pleasant to talk to person, we used to call each other everyday, talk about random stuff. He opened up to me about his ADHD and I know it’s something I shouldn’t probably be sharing since it’s personal but it’s an important detail to the story. I said to him that it’s okay, we all have struggles and I’ll make sure nothing goes wrong and if you need to talk I’ll be there. As few weeks went by, he started disappearing off the phone for 2-3 days. He used to say “I’ll make myself tea and call you right away”. He never did. I texted him if he’s okay and alive, no response and then reappears. He did that 3 times, the last time I got little frustrated and confronted that it’s not very nice thing to do. He started to fire back that I shouldn’t care that much and it’s not really my business and I only do it “because I like him and I like his attention” which was a confusing thing to me. I forgave him and we continued to talk normally again. I started opening up to him even more and tell my life stories and things that happened, one day he said that he is not interested in hearing anything negative or anything about my life because it drains him out. Out of blue he said that I should stop flirting with him, we shouldn’t meet up, we should talk less and it escalated to him blocking me and telling me to go away because I was so hurt and I begged for answers on what on Earth just happened. He gave me long lectures on how I should and shouldn’t be and I apologised for being so daft and not careful with words but he didn’t take it well. A week past and he unblocks me again, he doesn’t say anything but after few days around 8-9 pm he texts me that he wants to meet up with me and want to apologize for talking to me like crap. I kind of didn’t want to go since it was quite late for me but I was so scared inside that if I decline he will disappear again so i rushed immediately to get ready. He drove with his car, we talked in private, had a nice evening and he drove me back home. Things were doing great since our first meeting, we kept talking and I started to ask him lots of questions about him and his life because I was genuinely interested and wanted to get to know him even more. But one thing I noticed that he never really asked me back anything and kept his answers pretty short, never really told me about his family or anything. But since I knew his mental struggles I stopped with questions since it can overwhelm him. We went on a second date, things were even better, he told me I’m amazing and wants to spend more time with me and I told him the same. He was genuinely very nice on our second meeting and everything went well. But everything shattered the third time. We scheduled to meet up earlier that day to make more time and spend more time in the sun, we decided to meet around afternoon but we only met around 3. He told me he got too high on weed and ate some bad food yesterday therefore needs more time. I asked him if he is really sure if he feels ok if not we can meet the other day but he insisted he’s fine. He kept switching times and made me think if he ever will get ready since I was awake since 8 am and full on dressed sitting and waiting for him for 3 hours. I got frustrated with him for not making up his mind but we finally met up and I again apologised if I pushed him too much. On that day he was little grumpy, I asked him to drive me to supermarket since I needed some stuff and on top of that I will buy some snacks for us too. All the time in the line at the shop he was moaning how he hates people and everyone stinks. I shrugged and laughed it off. Later we drove to the beach and relaxed there, he seemed a little with himself then and I thought his mood might improved but then he saw children playing and said he wishes they could drown in the water and never come back. I nervously laughed but I also said it’s not a nice thing to say. It started to get cold so I asked if we can go to the sea shore and just walk together but he went to his car and left me walking by myself but I had to go and follow him. Back in the car I asked what is wrong with him and why he is so grumpy, he said nothing. I started to lose my temper but I tried to keep it cool. Later we started arguing and I criticised his behaviour. He lashed out at me and said that he is driving me back home because he’s done with me. I said can we go to the park and talk things out maybe he said he’s too tired and the park is too far to drive. I started crying in the car and he didn’t say the word. I asked him to stop near by and don’t drive me all way back. I immediately got out of car and shut the doors. I left my beach blanket at his car and he shouted if I want to collect it but I was too hurt to turn back so he screamed “F*ck you” to me. I went back home crying and embarrassed and ambushed by a lot of shame. I felt so guilty. To my surprise he texted me if I’m back home later that day and I told him finally that I just don’t understand him sometimes. He lashed out again that it’s my fault, I talked to him like sh*t all day and I should be held accountable for my behaviour and also accused me for using him to drive me to supermarket as some sort of delivery boy. I said I’m massively sorry if I hurt him even tho I only said few things about his behaviour and mood. I said to him I understand that I’ve done wrong and I offered my biggest apologies. The more I tried to fix things the angrier he got and finally he told me to get out of his life, leave him alone because I act like a child and he cannot handle my immaturity. I was so hurt I cried for days straight. My family started to notice that I stopped interacting with them, I didn’t eat, I stopped cleaning my bedroom and finally my emotional toll brought me to bed and I’ve got kidney infection. It was so bad I thought I will not make it. I texted him to let him know, he only responded after hours, told me that he is sorry but also he let me know that he won’t be coming back. He ignored my pleas and calls throughout. Weeks went by and I finally accepted that this person is no longer in my life but I still cared about him. I know this wasn’t relationship but I felt I was constantly walking on egg shells, was scared to tell something that would offend them, I was constantly apologising but he never forgave me. He unfollowed me on social media, again as desperate as it sounds, I texted him one last time that I forgive us and wishing him the best. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so defeated whilst being with someone, I know I said some things too, but I admired I was wrong. Till this day I’m confused and I wake up feeling guilty everyday for things I’ve done. I lost my interests, I’ve lost my energy and I feel like a loser... Edited June 23, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted June 23, 2020 Share Posted June 23, 2020 This person sounds like he either has no social skills, or has mental problems. I don't understand why you kept going back to him and apologizing to him as if you were the one that did something wrong. You should have stopped talking to him the first time he started acting weird and blocked you. It's a huge red flag that YOU would be attracted to someone like this and put up with this dysfunctional behavior. You need to go to therapy and work on whatever your issues are that are causing you such low self-esteem. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cassiemel Posted June 23, 2020 Author Share Posted June 23, 2020 Because I constantly felt it was all my fault all the time because he kept saying that over and over again until my mind got twisted and I started to believe in it. I know I have plenty of faults but I never said horrible things to him as he said to me Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 23, 2020 Share Posted June 23, 2020 The only thing you did wrong was try to date a person too broken to be in a relationship. You failed to see the red flags or take heed of them. In your next relationship when things feel off in the beginning that is telling you this isn't working. Cut your losses at that point. Especially before you even meet if the person is not treating you very politely, don't waste your time. Link to post Share on other sites
Stevnx3 Posted June 23, 2020 Share Posted June 23, 2020 Wow... Run away and stay away from this guy! He is abusive. Callous and uncaring and downright crazy! He needs help that you cannot provide him. But, what you can do is something for yourself: stay away from him at all costs. This man sounds insane and is liable to badly hurt you! It is abuse. You do not need to deal with his crap. Amazingly nasty attitude. Please, for yourself, forget this creep! You are not a loser! Just got caught up in the wrong guy. You can definitely find better. Block him, and do be careful. You can get far better. Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted June 23, 2020 Share Posted June 23, 2020 awww. Sorry you went through this. First of all the guy has issues. Glad, you say you have accepted it. Now truly accept it and move on. I think you should worry less about labeling what he is and learn from the experience. He is either not in the right place or definitely not the right person for a relationship. IMO, you should cut him out of your life completely. It wasn't much time. You didn't know him before April and he's brought mostly trouble. So promise yourself that you will do this. Secondly, you cannot change another person--in this case that means he's not worthy of your focus. In a quick way to dissect what red flags YOU can notice in the future. He's just a tool now. I think in general you were too nice, too desperate for lack of a better word (sorry!). And he took advantage of it and ran with it. He burdened you with problems and bad moods, demeaned you to make himself feel better likely etc. The focus should not be hating him or making him out to be the worst person in the world. The reason: because you will meet other people like this in life. They will come in all forms--the will notice the weakness in you and take advantage even if they are initially nice or things start out balanced. So you've got to go back and look at your behavior to see what you would change about what you did--because that is the only part that can change. You can screen better; you can move on rather than apologize when someone has disrespected you; you can do things on more of a one-to-one ratio, ie he does something nice and you THEN respond. Don't go all in when someone has not proven it to you. Take longer on the gathering information process and realize it never ends. So in other words don't decide you want to be in a relationship with him before he's proved he's worthy of one. Don't over-invest; don't be afraid to lose what you have put in thus far. Know you will be ok no matter what. Don't call yourself a loser. Tell yourself you are "learning". I hope you keep posting here so you can work through your thoughts on this & future guys. Don't give this guy another minute of your life though. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cassiemel Posted June 23, 2020 Author Share Posted June 23, 2020 19 minutes ago, Stevnx3 said: Wow... Run away and stay away from this guy! He is abusive. Callous and uncaring and downright crazy! He needs help that you cannot provide him. But, what you can do is something for yourself: stay away from him at all costs. This man sounds insane and is liable to badly hurt you! It is abuse. You do not need to deal with his crap. Amazingly nasty attitude. Please, for yourself, forget this creep! You are not a loser! Just got caught up in the wrong guy. You can definitely find better. Block him, and do be careful. You can get far better. Well, maybe I had to be careful with what everything I had to say because of his adhd but again I’m just blaming myself and he never apologised for the things he said to me, he was sensitive and impulsive, lacked empathy and just couldn’t maybe process his feelings correctly. But as much as I tried I couldn’t fix or help a person😕 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted June 23, 2020 Share Posted June 23, 2020 Is this just texting? If it is, it may not be him doing it. It could be a girl he is casually seeing. Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted June 23, 2020 Share Posted June 23, 2020 ^^^You have to put yourself above others who come into your life; generally even very good person. You have to be your own best advocate. In the case of what you wrote above, you let the ADHD become an excuse for everything--whether you are allowing it as an excuse because he says it or because you attribute the cause of his behavior to it, it became bigger than YOU. What you are in any relationship and as the creator of your own life, has to be more important to you than what things other people have going on in their lives. You can accommodate to a limit but your limit has to be set for the way you want your life to go and what you will and won't accept. I think you were too flexible. Don't try to help a person as a reason to get into a relationship with them--that leaves you picking people with problems and becoming their helper rather than a cherished girlfriend or more. Even in your disappointment with him, you need to put the FOCUS on yourself--that's one reason I say not to concentrate on what a bad person he is--it's a waste of YOUR time. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Stevnx3 Posted June 23, 2020 Share Posted June 23, 2020 10 minutes ago, Cassiemel said: Well, maybe I had to be careful with what everything I had to say because of his adhd but again I’m just blaming myself and he never apologised for the things he said to me, he was sensitive and impulsive, lacked empathy and just couldn’t maybe process his feelings correctly. But as much as I tried I couldn’t fix or help a person😕 Regardless of his adhd, if he is like this, it is beyond you. You should never be in a relationship wherein you must walk on eggshells or be in constant fear of setting someone off. Clearly he has serious issues. It is not your job to fix that. He needs professional help. Best you can do is walk away and find someone better for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cassiemel Posted June 23, 2020 Author Share Posted June 23, 2020 5 minutes ago, smackie9 said: Is this just texting? If it is, it may not be him doing it. It could be a girl he is casually seeing. Hmm not sure about this because we used to spend days on phone and video chats, he lives with other troubled flatmates and as I mentioned on our last days I got to see his anger what I used to see in text messages so I doubt it was someone else behind it. But it seems he moved on and maybe with someone else now Link to post Share on other sites
Stevnx3 Posted June 23, 2020 Share Posted June 23, 2020 2 minutes ago, Cassiemel said: Hmm not sure about this because we used to spend days on phone and video chats, he lives with other troubled flatmates and as I mentioned on our last days I got to see his anger what I used to see in text messages so I doubt it was someone else behind it. But it seems he moved on and maybe with someone else now Best thing for you, honestly. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted June 24, 2020 Share Posted June 24, 2020 7 hours ago, Cassiemel said: I texted him if he’s okay and alive, no response and then reappears. He did that 3 times, the last time I got little frustrated and confronted that it’s not very nice thing to do. He started to fire back that I shouldn’t care that much and it’s not really my business and I only do it “because I like him and I like his attention” which was a confusing thing to me. I forgave him and we continued to talk normally again. I think we've all done something like this at some time, got over-attached as if we are in a relationship or needed something someone else isn't willing or able to give. If someone is ignoring you it's signalling leave me alone and the only thing you can do is wait for them to contact you. Or not. So you get on with your own life meantime so it doesn't matter. Engaging someone via argument or trying to convince them they need you isn't healthy. Are you lonely? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GenLondon Posted June 24, 2020 Share Posted June 24, 2020 You took so much from him with no apologies at all from his side. ADHD or not, no one should treat anyone like that, whether it's the start of a relationship or years in. We all have our faults, and we've all wanted to fix people. I spent 5 years trying to fix my ex, then I woke up one morning a few months ago and realised that his promises of changing were never going to happen. I don't even know you and I can still tell you that you don't deserve to be treated like that. Moving on is hard, especially when you care about someone and have invested time and patience into them, but be strong, you're worth a hell of a lot more. You'll always have days where you think what if, or sad days, or angry days, but they'll get less and less. Find something you truly enjoy to take your mind off it, or visit friends/family. As with all things this feeling will pass. My measure of a man is always, would I be happy with my daughter dating a man like this (I haven't got kids, but it still stands). Enjoy your one precious life, and don't give any time to people that make you feel worthless. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 24, 2020 Share Posted June 24, 2020 That ADHD is not a good excuse for him being the abusive jerk he is who isn't interested in you telling him anything about yourself or your needs. He's just a simple jerk. Stop feeling sorry and having guilt. He's just a jerk. There's no excuse for how he treated you. Block him! You don't need that in your life at all. Maybe he will learn something. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted June 29, 2020 Share Posted June 29, 2020 (edited) Cassiemel, I’m so sorry to hear what happened to you. Do not blame yourself. The guy has all the hallmarks of an unstable abuser. I know you felt he rejected you but I hope you stay away from this guy - he is seriously deranged. He is probably a sociopath. He did not care about you, talked only about himself. He blamed you for things and made you so uneasy and shaken that you felt like you were walking on eggshells. Some women seem all the more attracted and attached to guys who abuse them. I don’t know why but there is something called ‘traumatic bonding’ which you might look up. If you end up back in a relationship with this guy, you can say goodbye to your sanity and safety. It’s that serious! Please talk to staff at a women’s shelter or something. They may be able to put you in touch with someone experienced in counselling women who have been abused. You need help because you need to avoid this guy and others like him. Edited June 29, 2020 by spiderowl Link to post Share on other sites
N0TH1N6L3FT Posted July 22, 2020 Share Posted July 22, 2020 WARNING!! TRUTH FROM EXPERIENCE, LEARNED THE HARDEST MOST HURTFUL WAY POSSIBLE!! Not exactly sure if there's any possible existing words in any language or dictionary to put this in a way you can understand and accept it finally for good. I have been married 16 years now to a man that I never had any doubts he would ever lie, cheat, or anything if the broken moral compass. He lead me to believe and always accused me of being brainwashed. Still does but honestly, the only time here does that is when I am savagely standing up for myself and he knows if he opens his lips, he will make himself look worse. Sounds to me like this guy is obviously married. Those specific times are either when his wife is not around, the only time he can pick a fight with her about anything at all, blaming her, and in turn, "needs to take a drive because he's too pissed at his wife for no good reason and she's being pushed further every day into a darkness that she's never felt or experienced before. And that's where you come in. He's mad because his problems with her. You know, that she's still alive holding him back as he sees it. Won't let her go, because she's everything he wanted in a wife and mother of his kids. But what matters is that he's not worshipped by many to make up for the attention the kids robbed him of. BEWARE OF SCHMUCKS LIKE THAT. I AM ON THIS SITE ONLY BECAUSE I FOUND HERE HAD INFO SAVED FOR THIS SITE AND I NEED IT MORE THEN HE EVER DID. DONT BE LIKE ME. DONT FALL FOR BS LIES. IF SOMETHING DOESN'T FEEL RIGHT, IT. NEVER. IS. YOU CAN GET HIM OUT OF YOUR HEAR BY DELETING ABS BLOCKING HIS BABY ASS. HE'S TOO YOUNG FOR YOU. SELF WORTH. SELF VALUE. SELF LOVE! SIMPLE! GL Link to post Share on other sites
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