COVID circumstances have broken my relationship.

[Jarretsmith]

So ill try to keep this post short, but am happy to provide further info or context if requested.

I feel the typical emotions a person feels during tough relationship times so please try and be sensitive to that. 

TLDR; Stuck together in tiny apartment during quarantine, me with nothing to do, her with more workload than she's ever had, working out of apartment. Time together begins to feel strained and I move out to offer space, we are still in contact but have not made any clear decisions as to what we are now. I feel like I am walking on eggshells and that adding the stress of our personal situation may push her over the edge, but I feel like I am sliding into a friend position, where I don't want to be.

So essentially me (M29) and my SO (F28) are now in a situation where I can't tell what I should do, or if I should just pack it in and accept that the relationship is done.

We were living together as Quarantine began, I had recently graduated, but due to the pandemic was unable to find work. My SO on the other hand was still working on her masters but was now forced to work from home. We have a VERY small apartment, so this was not ideal. I had become somewhat depressed due to quarantine and admittedly lost that fire which I was otherwise known for. I took on the role as primary house maker so my SO could focus on school.

Her stress was piling on and eventually the difference in our situations became too much. She felt like she had too much pressure to keep things between us at home positive while balancing her workload. It was like spending time with me was one more thing she had to manage, and me being there was a constant reminder of how much she had to do while I basically had nothing.

Eventually we hit a breaking point where she said that she wasn't happy with us living together and that she needed to have some space so she could focus on her work. This seems plausible considering our 400sqft appt. So I moved out "temporarily", I had gone back to visit her acouple weekends later and things felt off. She had been nearing a breaking point and I could tell that me visiting was almost like "one more thing to do" instead of a break from the stress. This visit came to a quick conclusion where she basically said that she cant handle needing to manage a relationship while dealing with her course load.
She wanted to put things on hold until the fall when she was done school, admitting that she didn't see me in the same light as she used to(I used to be always on the go, lots to do, out doing activities etc, basically we used to have a blast together).

We are now living apart, we are usually in contact by text each day, much less than before and it really feels like we have slipped into a friends dynamic.

Our relationship was perfect prior to COVID, and she admitted that she was very much in love up until the recent situation. We had a long phone conversation the other day where she mentioned various future plans for us in a positive light and it seemed very much like one of our 'old' fun conversations, but otherwise she still seems distant. I am aware that much of that "distance" is my brain overthinking, but it is tough not too.

I have been getting my life back on track and am back to being the person she knew and loved, but I am afraid that she cant shake the image of me being down in the dumps, or simply cant spare the mental energy at the moment.

Is there anything I can do to help this situation? She is truly on the edge of a mental breakdown and I know that pushing to hard may cause that to happen. I want to continue offering her support, but am worried that I am just pushing us toward being friends.

Should I be straight forward and say something along the lines of "I cant handle being in continued communication if it is only as friends, if your stress levels change and you have the energy to work on us let me know"?

We have very open communication and she is certainly not afraid to express her feelings, so I know that if she didnt want me in her life I wouldnt be, but I am being drained while walking on eggshells around the women I love. I fear that despite how incredible our relationship was up untill acouple months ago, its the bad taste left in her mouth that will kill any chance at use reigniting the passion we had.

 Any advice is appreciated, thank you.

[Lotsgoingon]

You did NOT have a perfect relationship before the quarantine --there is no such thing and if there were you guys wouldn't qualify. Also you do NOT communicate openly with each other, which is why you're here and not having this talk with her.

Sounds like you're afraid to talk to her to find out what she's feeling. Also it's unclear that you know what YOU are feeling. And hold on: why is she on the edge of a mental breakdown? You guys had a relationship where you enjoyed time with each other, but you apparently never moved to the next step or negotiating differences and problems. 

 

 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

The more you want this relationship, the less pressing the issue  you should do right now.

 

Work and focus on your own stuff...  possibly a little more training (online, if possible) prior to whatever direction you'll head when the job market is better.

 

Smothering her at this point in time will always be counterproductive...  as might banging on her door and DEMANDING that she make a choice right NOW  (you  won't be it in that case).

 

Focus on yourself, and if she has any interest in coming around, she will.

 

 

[BearBeans]

Wow. I'm sorry you are going through this. I appreciate your transparency. Our situations are similar that's why I'm here too. My SO is M45 I'm F43 in a 5 year relationship we have broken up in the past and got back together so yes the spark can return but he and I were no contact for 3 months my decision. Our relationship seems better and we get along much better. 

However we moved in together right before Covid. His stress level is high and I know what you mean about feeling like a task in someone's day. I try to keep the house in order and do special things lighten the mood but he's just stressed and depressed. I'm moving soon. For my own space and a reset. 

 

 

[d0nnivain]

a 400 ft crucible would add too much pressure to any relationship.   My husband & I struggled in a big house when there is no break from the other person.  

If you want this to work, stop talking about it.  Whatever you do, do not make that speech about not communicating if only as friends.  That will add more pressure to this.  She will get defensive & probably say "fine, we're done."  I would in her shoes.

Talk to her periodically.  Let her take the lead.  Be reassuring.  If it's safe to do so, offer a walk or a picnic.    

[Jarretsmith]

14 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

The more you want this relationship, the less pressing the issue  you should do right now.

Work and focus on your own stuff...  possibly a little more training (online, if possible) prior to whatever direction you'll head when the job market is better.

Smothering her at this point in time will always be counterproductive...  as might banging on her door and DEMANDING that she make a choice right NOW  (you  won't be it in that case).

Focus on yourself, and if she has any interest in coming around, she will.

 

 

Thank you for your reply. I agree with what you have said, and I know its the best course of action. The part of my brain that wants to demand some decision making is only doing so because it wants to kill the uncertainty, even though I know pressing would lead to a negative outcome. 

I was studying for a big professional exam which has been delayed due to COVID so I have begun my prep again and applying for jobs to keep busy. 

It can be tough day to day without knowing how she feels, but the logical part of me keeps saying "just keep focusing on you, if things are ment to work out they will and if they dont you will at least have more on the go to keep busy"

12 hours ago, BearBeans said:

Wow. I'm sorry you are going through this. I appreciate your transparency. Our situations are similar that's why I'm here too. My SO is M45 I'm F43 in a 5 year relationship we have broken up in the past and got back together so yes the spark can return but he and I were no contact for 3 months my decision. Our relationship seems better and we get along much better. 

However we moved in together right before Covid. His stress level is high and I know what you mean about feeling like a task in someone's day. I try to keep the house in order and do special things lighten the mood but he's just stressed and depressed. I'm moving soon. For my own space and a reset. 

 

 

Thank you for your insight, it does sound similar to my situation in many ways. It is hard when you want to give someone everything but what they need is to have some of that space to themselves. I know in my situation that her losing the ability to see friends etc really made it difficult, and spending time with me wasnt really a break when she was still in the same space she was all day working on her computer. 

It does feel bad moving out, and under almost every other circumstance I would be seeing that as a certainty that we have no hope, but the world we are living in right now is so bizarre  I feel like many things arent as cut and dry as they once were. 

8 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

a 400 ft crucible would add too much pressure to any relationship.   My husband & I struggled in a big house when there is no break from the other person.  

If you want this to work, stop talking about it.  Whatever you do, do not make that speech about not communicating if only as friends.  That will add more pressure to this.  She will get defensive & probably say "fine, we're done."  I would in her shoes.

Talk to her periodically.  Let her take the lead.  Be reassuring.  If it's safe to do so, offer a walk or a picnic.    

Thank you! and yes the size of the apartment wouldnt have been an issue if we were both out of the house working, and spending time out with friends and doing our hobbies. 

The set up of our apartment made it so that she would be working at a desk in our living room for long hours, while I would be on the couch literally 3 feet away. So besides the constant close proximity it made it so that she would not have an area to feel like she was 'away' from work. 

She just submitted some information for her thesis which I hope will come back with positive reviews and alleviate some stress. 

I will not be making an ultimatum or any of those statements for the time being anyways, I agree with your thoughts and like i said above ^^ i think part of me just craves the certainty in such an uncertain time. 

thank you again.
 

[d0nnivain]

I can completely understand your desire for certainty.  

When this 1st started DH tried to work from the kitchen table.  That meant I couldn't watch TV or even cook because he needed quiet or couldn't have me in the background on his video calls.  I could work from the other end of the table & that was OK but he had more work then me so I took to hiding upstairs in our bedroom. 

When me moved back into his man cave to work, things got better.  Plus I started going to my office again.  My profession was never "closed" so I could come to the office.  i just chose to go in later, when everyone else went home.  It worked for me.  I have always been a night owl.  

I think you can salvage this with distance.  Just be chill & it should all smooth over.  

[Jarretsmith]

15 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

I can completely understand your desire for certainty.  

When this 1st started DH tried to work from the kitchen table.  That meant I couldn't watch TV or even cook because he needed quiet or couldn't have me in the background on his video calls.  I could work from the other end of the table & that was OK but he had more work then me so I took to hiding upstairs in our bedroom. 

When me moved back into his man cave to work, things got better.  Plus I started going to my office again.  My profession was never "closed" so I could come to the office.  i just chose to go in later, when everyone else went home.  It worked for me.  I have always been a night owl.  

I think you can salvage this with distance.  Just be chill & it should all smooth over.  

Thank you for that. Even just having the reinforcement to chill is helpful.

Yesterday afternoon she texted me saying she had some exciting news so I gave her a quick phone call. We talked about the news for about 10 mins and the conversation went totally smoothly, very platonic, but it still felt nice to have a normal conversation that wasnt based around high emotions. She couldnt talk long because she had a meeting so I texted her after just saying that her news was great to hear and very exciting. 

I havent heard anything since, but my logical brain is keeping me from being too needy. Its tough when we were in such constant contact before, but I keep telling myself that its better for her to have a positive recent interaction with me opposed to me coming off as needy. 

[d0nnivain]

baby steps. 

Maybe end the next phone call with an ILY.  

[gaius]

I know that she's under a lot of stress but she basically kicked you out of your own home. And you've responded by engaging with her only on her terms. Waiting on her to make a decision. Which would only be appropriate if you wronged her in some awful way, which you haven't.

Women tend to like it more when you make the decisions. I know you love her but if she doesn't want you there don't give her the benefit of hearing all about her day or whatever's going on with her thesis. You don't need to be all drama about it, just don't call or reply. Unless you get an invite back.

It's more likely she will want and respect you if you stand up for yourself than just eat whatever scraps she gives you and wait for more.

 

Edited June 26, 2020 by gaius

[Jarretsmith]

58 minutes ago, gaius said:

I know that she's under a lot of stress but she basically kicked you out of your own home. And you've responded by engaging with her only on her terms. Waiting on her to make a decision. Which would only be appropriate if you wronged her in some awful way, which you haven't.

Women tend to like it more when you make the decisions. I know you love her but if she doesn't want you there don't give her the benefit of hearing all about her day or whatever's going on with her thesis. You don't need to be all drama about it, just don't call or reply. Unless you get an invite back.

It's more likely she will want and respect you if you stand up for yourself than just eat whatever scraps she gives you and wait for more.

 

I can totally understand what you are saying in a lot of ways, but I just dont know how to handle it. It isnt a relationship I want to just walk away from, its my 3rd serious relationship(3+ years), and I have also done my fair share of dating, and never have I ever clicked with someone on such a deep level. Which I know is cliche, but its one of those situations where I finally understand what its like to meet my other half, even after having relationships where ive thought they were the one. 

I let my own mental well being slip during the pandemic and admittedly added to the negative energy around the apartment, something that certainly didnt help her stress. The negativity we had in our little apartment is something we NEVER had before, and now not only do I not know what shes thinking, but I dont know if the depressed version of me is how shes views me.

I know that I am basically letting things go on her terms, but at this point she is the one with the more challenging life, and from being with her I understand the pressure she is under. She works two days a week and has a full class load until the end of July along with her thesis, so she has stuff to do nearly every day untill 9pm. 

My parents live about 5hrs from the city so it was easy for me to move, also considering I didn't have work or anything it made sense, neither of us were enjoying the situation in our tiny apartment.

As of right now we haven't had contact for more than 24hrs for the first time since we started seeing eachother. I have decided I will not reach out, but honestly just feel lost. 

I want to stand up for myself, but I cant imagine how I would go about it at this point without making the situation worse.
 

Edited June 26, 2020 by Jarretsmith

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 6/25/2020 at 10:07 PM, gaius said:

I know that she's under a lot of stress but she basically kicked you out of your own home. And you've responded by engaging with her only on her terms. Waiting on her to make a decision. Which would only be appropriate if you wronged her in some awful way, which you haven't.

Women tend to like it more when you make the decisions. I know you love her but if she doesn't want you there don't give her the benefit of hearing all about her day or whatever's going on with her thesis. You don't need to be all drama about it, just don't call or reply. Unless you get an invite back.

It's more likely she will want and respect you if you stand up for yourself than just eat whatever scraps she gives you and wait for more.

 

I'm just chiming in to say that I get what you're saying about women wanting a man with leadership qualities. Your advice would be spot on if his gf was getting bored, or feeling like she was playing a mommy role, or being generally disrespectful to OP.

But that's not what's happening here. We all have limited resources and limits to how much stress we can take at a given time. She's in a pressure cooker right now with demands on all fronts. She probably assessed where she can scale back without having a nervous breakdown. She can't give up her job as it provides stability in an uncertain time (and OP doesn't currently have the resources to financially support her). She can't quit school because she knows it will give her (and probably OP and their future kids) a better life. She knows OP is a grown man who can take care of himself, so while she loves him, she's asked him to love her back by giving her the space she needs to manage overwhelming demands. 

It's so important that OP plays a supportive role right now without having any expectations. If instead OP weren't available to hear her woes or celebrate her small victories in the moments they currently have (simply to promote an alpha image agenda), he'll come off looking like an insensitive a-hole.

I'm a woman who at times has had loads of responsibilities and demands at the same time. I know that if I had a bf whom I've asked to give me some breathing room to cope with stressors, if I felt like I was on the verge of a meltdown, and he responded with ignoring me in the times I did reach out, I would see him as a brooding, petulant, selfish child pouting because he didn't get his way. And I'd feel like he didn't care about my needs or what I was going through. Under the circumstances, I'd probably lose my temper with him, and as time passed and life calmed down, I would reflect on his selfishness. That would result in his decreased perceived value in my life.

The best way she would respect him right now is:

1. She feels heard/respected in the relationship because OP is honoring her wishes to not crowd her.

2. OP redirects most of his focus back to himself, improving himself mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually (that is sexy!)...and she observes from a distance that he's doing so. 

3. OP demonstrates he's emotionally available, mature, strong, reliable, caring, and trustworthy by giving her support when she needs it/she reaches out to him. This will deepen their bond in the long run. She will reflect on how he unselfishly showed up for her when she couldn't be there for him. That will help her realize he's worthy of a lifelong commitment.

OP, I think your success formula here is to be available, loving, kind, supportive when she reaches out to you. In all other times focus on improving yourself in every way. That's how you'll demonstrate your strength to her...and women are attracted to that! Seems like you are heading in the right direction. It's hard when you miss her but keep going. Keep practicing on making yourself stronger, and as soon as her stressors diminish, she'll remember the good times you shared plus see how much more attractive you've become while away. That should draw her back with little effort from you. After you've had a few good, light-hearted exchanges, you could low key express your concerns to her about whether her image of you was tarnished when you had the Coronavirus blues. If you keep it short and light, hopefully she'll allay your fears and perhaps even think it was sweet for you to worry about that. 

Be healthy, strong, and well!

 

[Jarretsmith]

On 6/28/2020 at 4:40 PM, HadMeOverABarrel said:

I'm just chiming in to say that I get what you're saying about women wanting a man with leadership qualities. Your advice would be spot on if his gf was getting bored, or feeling like she was playing a mommy role, or being generally disrespectful to OP.

But that's not what's happening here. We all have limited resources and limits to how much stress we can take at a given time. She's in a pressure cooker right now with demands on all fronts. She probably assessed where she can scale back without having a nervous breakdown. She can't give up her job as it provides stability in an uncertain time (and OP doesn't currently have the resources to financially support her). She can't quit school because she knows it will give her (and probably OP and their future kids) a better life. She knows OP is a grown man who can take care of himself, so while she loves him, she's asked him to love her back by giving her the space she needs to manage overwhelming demands. 

It's so important that OP plays a supportive role right now without having any expectations. If instead OP weren't available to hear her woes or celebrate her small victories in the moments they currently have (simply to promote an alpha image agenda), he'll come off looking like an insensitive a-hole.

I'm a woman who at times has had loads of responsibilities and demands at the same time. I know that if I had a bf whom I've asked to give me some breathing room to cope with stressors, if I felt like I was on the verge of a meltdown, and he responded with ignoring me in the times I did reach out, I would see him as a brooding, petulant, selfish child pouting because he didn't get his way. And I'd feel like he didn't care about my needs or what I was going through. Under the circumstances, I'd probably lose my temper with him, and as time passed and life calmed down, I would reflect on his selfishness. That would result in his decreased perceived value in my life.

The best way she would respect him right now is:

1. She feels heard/respected in the relationship because OP is honoring her wishes to not crowd her.

2. OP redirects most of his focus back to himself, improving himself mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually (that is sexy!)...and she observes from a distance that he's doing so. 

3. OP demonstrates he's emotionally available, mature, strong, reliable, caring, and trustworthy by giving her support when she needs it/she reaches out to him. This will deepen their bond in the long run. She will reflect on how he unselfishly showed up for her when she couldn't be there for him. That will help her realize he's worthy of a lifelong commitment.

OP, I think your success formula here is to be available, loving, kind, supportive when she reaches out to you. In all other times focus on improving yourself in every way. That's how you'll demonstrate your strength to her...and women are attracted to that! Seems like you are heading in the right direction. It's hard when you miss her but keep going. Keep practicing on making yourself stronger, and as soon as her stressors diminish, she'll remember the good times you shared plus see how much more attractive you've become while away. That should draw her back with little effort from you. After you've had a few good, light-hearted exchanges, you could low key express your concerns to her about whether her image of you was tarnished when you had the Coronavirus blues. If you keep it short and light, hopefully she'll allay your fears and perhaps even think it was sweet for you to worry about that. 

Be healthy, strong, and well!

 

Thank you for your reply. 

We have been in light contact still but I have made the effort to not be crowding her. The other day we had talked and I proposed a phone call, she basically ignored it. I realized that was wrong so the following day after she had just sent me a short message I basically said "I apologize for asking to talk the other day, I understand that you feel its still not a good idea", She responded with "ya sorry I feel like I just need some space". I told her that I will do my best to give her more space, but that I am here for her if she needs me, she was appreciative of that.

Yesterday she reached out to comment on an instagram story I had posted, we had a brief back and forth (story was related to an activity we both enjoy) she asked what I was up to and I made a light hearted joke about "How am i supposed to be giving you space!" then told her what I was up to. When she responded she said that she knows its mixed messages but wanted to know if I wanted to talk (all of the events of this post took place over roughly 4-5 days). We had an hour long phone call about all sorts of stuff, talked about our relationship abit, but mostly other things, all and all it was a really positive phone call, and we talked about spending time together in the future. I think she does realize that quarantine did leave a negative impact on us but is still just trying to manage everything else she has thats putting stress on her.

I am going to continue to give her more space and let her take the lead. 

 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Hang in there, bud. You're doing a great job!

[Jarretsmith]

On 6/30/2020 at 12:25 PM, HadMeOverABarrel said:

Hang in there, bud. You're doing a great job!

Hi there, 

I just wanted to give you an update and see if you had any input or to see if you think I'm still doing the right things. 

We have not spoken for 7 days now, she became a bit more distant near the end of last week despite the fact that we had the long positive talk on that Monday. Overall I am feeling somewhat better in my own frame of mind, but without having anyone to really openly talk to at the moment I just came here to vent mostly. 
Im probably overanalyzing but I have come to the conclusion that she is probably holding back until I am able to get on my feet again. She was so excited to hear about some previous job hunting news that I think she just doesn't want to make too many commitments until she has her life under control and I have mine, which is hard because I miss having her in her life, but with so much uncertainty I can completely understand her position in waiting to see if that stability comes back.

I will be staying in our old apartment beginning in august while she is out of the city to complete her final work placement for two months (this is hugely beneficial to me for the sake of getting back on my own feet in the city, so not purely a benefit to her), obviously we will need to talk closer to then. Should I just keep on focusing on my own life, job hunting, exercising etc and avoid reaching out in order to give her space? Part of me wants to reach out so badly, but I think that avoiding reaching out is a good way to prove that I meant it when I told her I would give her space. 

I know 7 days of no contact isnt crazy long, but after having someone in your life so consistently its crazy how quick the mind is to tell you that theyre moving on, forgot about you, etc, especially as I have seen through social media that shes been able to do a bit more normal stuff (i've stopped looking now, for my own sake)

Anyways, thanks for your previous input, I do appreciate it. 

[curlygirl40]

Hi.   If I'm reading this correctly, you've been together for 3 years?  Or was it that this is your first real relationship in 3 years?   I am not sure. 

To me 7 days is A LOT of time to go without contact if you're in a relationship.  

 

While reading through this thread, these are the thoughts that I had.   

Life is full of ups and downs and unexpected things.   Is this how she will always handle these things?   If you're married for 10 years and one of you loses a job, a child gets sick, a sick parent has to move in.  These things will happen.   If she can't handle any sort of 'oh, this is different and things are not as fun now as it was for us before', do you want that type of person as a partner?

Now I get that this is crazy different.  Something that has not happened before in our lifetimes.    AND a 400 sq foot apartment, I can't even imagine.   

But if you're in love with someone, even if you decide you have to live separately to be able to manage temporarily, she would miss you and want to be in contact with you.

It sounds more like she's trying to make a decision and not really sure what she wants anymore.   

For what it's worth, you are playing your cards the only way you can.  When people are pushed, they will often make a decision that they wouldn't have made so you are doing exactly what you need to be doing.     

But also, don't be a doormat.    

Best of luck!

[Jarretsmith]

1 hour ago, curlygirl40 said:

Hi.   If I'm reading this correctly, you've been together for 3 years?  Or was it that this is your first real relationship in 3 years?   I am not sure. 

To me 7 days is A LOT of time to go without contact if you're in a relationship.  

 

While reading through this thread, these are the thoughts that I had.   

Life is full of ups and downs and unexpected things.   Is this how she will always handle these things?   If you're married for 10 years and one of you loses a job, a child gets sick, a sick parent has to move in.  These things will happen.   If she can't handle any sort of 'oh, this is different and things are not as fun now as it was for us before', do you want that type of person as a partner?

Now I get that this is crazy different.  Something that has not happened before in our lifetimes.    AND a 400 sq foot apartment, I can't even imagine.   

But if you're in love with someone, even if you decide you have to live separately to be able to manage temporarily, she would miss you and want to be in contact with you.

It sounds more like she's trying to make a decision and not really sure what she wants anymore.   

For what it's worth, you are playing your cards the only way you can.  When people are pushed, they will often make a decision that they wouldn't have made so you are doing exactly what you need to be doing.     

But also, don't be a doormat.    

Best of luck!

We've been together a little over 2 years, the mention of 3 years was that I've had multiple 3+ year relationships and never felt so perfectly in sync before. 

We are broken up/ separated right now. She acknowledged how well we connected and that she was totally in love up untill quarantine but basically said that she wanted to have space to focus on finishing her masters untill the fall. She said we could see what happens between us then , which under most circumstances would make me feel the breakup is permanent, but we do still have arrangements with our apartment in the meantime so we wont be totally out of eachothers lives. I will be at the apartment for two months(while she is gone) which is a basement suite below her bestfriend, so from that aspect our lives will be intertwined for awhile longer no matter what. If she wanted me out of her life she couldve easily found someone else to take the apartment and said she doesnt want me to be around (highly demanded area).

7 days is the longest we've ever gone without contact, maybe the odd day here or there, but we've been in touch pretty much every day. The problem I face with the time is that to me it feels so long because I dont have work and a super flexible schedule, but from when we lived together during quarantine I know that there were periods where she could basically go the whole week with only acouple hours of free time, so 7 days wouldn't feel that long. 

When under lots of stress she does tend to close off a bit, but its never been an issue because we've never had such a long drawn out stressful time. 
Based on our talks I know that she didnt see any issue with us up until quarantine, but I can't blame her for seeing us negatively during it. Not solely because of us, but because of the negativity of so many aspects of our lives. 

If she was always ready to just give up when things got tough I would not want to be with her, but the circumstances were so extreme I can understand her decision when I imagine being in her shoes. 

I do partially feel like she may be trying to make a decision, which feels bad, but I know life will go on. The other part of me wants to believe everything she has said because I have no reason to feel like she was lying when she said she needs space to sort her stuff out and we can see where things go after. 

My brain is trying to come up with reasons to reach out, but part of me knows that following no contact and letting her reach out if she wants is the best option. We will be in contact near the end of the month regarding the swap over at our apartment, so we will need to talk then. I guess I just need some reinforcement that focusing on my own life is the only thing I can really do right now. If she wants to be with me she will come back, and me trying to hard will most likely only lead to me hurting my own feelings and my dignity. 

I know I'm rambling, but thank you for taking the time to read this. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

6 hours ago, Jarretsmith said:

Should I just keep on focusing on my own life, job hunting, exercising etc and avoid reaching out in order to give her space? Part of me wants to reach out so badly, but I think that avoiding reaching out is a good way to prove that I meant it when I told her I would give her space. 

In short answer to your question: yes!

Really it's the best course you can follow no matter the outcome (to each of the following possible outcomes, add the words "because you invested in yourself"):

1. You two come back together, and you have more to offer the relationship/are that much more attractive;

-OR-

2. You decide to date others who will appreciate the work you've done on yourself;

-OR- 

3. You decide to stay single for a while but are that much closer to reaching your goals than if you continued to spend copious amounts of time pining over her.

See? There is virtually NO DOWNSIDE to this course. But, as you well know, contacting her has plenty of downside. She may feel your are not respecting her request. You may feel rejected/dejected/weak/ashamed/etc. for contacting her realizing it wasn't the best choice for you. I think doing something that will make you feel crappy is the worst, while continuing to invest in yourself is the best. The former kills self-esteem. The latter increases it.

Eventually, you will have to decide how much time YOU CHOOSE to give her before you begin to move on to options 2 or 3 (above). So long as you are honoring her wishes and still making yourself exclusively available to her, you are giving her a huge gift. Nothing wrong with it so long as it doesn't drag past the expectation she set: Fall 2020 masters completed (and then return to you).

Give her a deadline in your mind as well, while you are continuing to focus on yourself, so this doesn't drag on past the date you're expecting. You are bringing her value, too. You are being a good guy to her. After she completes her goal, she needs to recognize what you've done for her also and appreciate it. That will also be a test of her worth to you/your life. 

[Jarretsmith]

10 hours ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

In short answer to your question: yes!

Really it's the best course you can follow no matter the outcome (to each of the following possible outcomes, add the words "because you invested in yourself"):

1. You two come back together, and you have more to offer the relationship/are that much more attractive;

-OR-

2. You decide to date others who will appreciate the work you've done on yourself;

-OR- 

3. You decide to stay single for a while but are that much closer to reaching your goals than if you continued to spend copious amounts of time pining over her.

See? There is virtually NO DOWNSIDE to this course. But, as you well know, contacting her has plenty of downside. She may feel your are not respecting her request. You may feel rejected/dejected/weak/ashamed/etc. for contacting her realizing it wasn't the best choice for you. I think doing something that will make you feel crappy is the worst, while continuing to invest in yourself is the best. The former kills self-esteem. The latter increases it.

Eventually, you will have to decide how much time YOU CHOOSE to give her before you begin to move on to options 2 or 3 (above). So long as you are honoring her wishes and still making yourself exclusively available to her, you are giving her a huge gift. Nothing wrong with it so long as it doesn't drag past the expectation she set: Fall 2020 masters completed (and then return to you).

Give her a deadline in your mind as well, while you are continuing to focus on yourself, so this doesn't drag on past the date you're expecting. You are bringing her value, too. You are being a good guy to her. After she completes her goal, she needs to recognize what you've done for her also and appreciate it. That will also be a test of her worth to you/your life. 

Thank you so much for your input. I agree completely, just needed the push.
 

I've already decided that I need to focus on myself and accept that right now thats the only thing I have control of, as much as id like to work things out. The plan is to get back on my own feet before she is back from her final placement as our lives wont be completely separate until then anyway. If me being back to the person she loved, and her stress load returning to normal doesnt make the situation clear then at least ill be in a good place to continue on without her.

thanks again

[curlygirl40]

So yes just keep doing what you're trying to do.    I would go complete no contact with the exception of real reasons to contact her regarding the apartment.   Give her the space and hope that she realizes/thinks you've moved on.    It's the only way that the dynamic might change and she might miss you and miss what you had and then maybe when life settles down you can re-connect.    

IMO, people can feel vibes.   Like if you're white knuckling it and really wanting to be in contact and occasionally reaching out for what you think is a good reason, she will feel the desperation behind it.  Not that you're desperate but you get my meaning.     So the only way is to truly move on as if you're broken up, date other people if you'd like, etc.   Then if she comes back into the picture, you can decide if you want to get back together.   Remember to row your own boat vs. being a boat in the water and swaying whichever way she is swaying you.   You have control of you.   

Best of luck

[Jarretsmith]

17 minutes ago, curlygirl40 said:

So yes just keep doing what you're trying to do.    I would go complete no contact with the exception of real reasons to contact her regarding the apartment.   Give her the space and hope that she realizes/thinks you've moved on.    It's the only way that the dynamic might change and she might miss you and miss what you had and then maybe when life settles down you can re-connect.    

IMO, people can feel vibes.   Like if you're white knuckling it and really wanting to be in contact and occasionally reaching out for what you think is a good reason, she will feel the desperation behind it.  Not that you're desperate but you get my meaning.     So the only way is to truly move on as if you're broken up, date other people if you'd like, etc.   Then if she comes back into the picture, you can decide if you want to get back together.   Remember to row your own boat vs. being a boat in the water and swaying whichever way she is swaying you.   You have control of you.   

Best of luck

Thank you! Thats what my plan is for sure. Its just nice to have some reassurance that im thinking the right things. 

I think space is the only thing that will help for both of us, even if it feels counterintuitive. Our interactions since the breakup have been positive, and all our time together pre quarantine was great. As much as I care about her there is a voice in my head that says "once she has a moment to think, if she doesnt realize what she gave up then this is for the best"
My only plan to reach out was going to be for the end of the month to solidify the apartment plans. Then continue focusing on my own life. She knows where I stand, and based on our past talks I have an idea of where she stands. I recognize that although I want to be in her life, I cant do it as a side character and I need to put my energy into being the main character of my own life.  

[HadMeOverABarrel]

18 hours ago, Jarretsmith said:

once she has a moment to think, if she doesnt realize what she gave up then this is for the best"

This is truth!

18 hours ago, Jarretsmith said:

 I recognize that although I want to be in her life, I cant do it as a side character and I need to put my energy into being the main character of my own life.  

You have a great attitude. You sound like a great guy. Keep on keeping on!

YOU GOT THIS!!!

[Jarretsmith]

On 7/11/2020 at 3:44 AM, HadMeOverABarrel said:

This is truth!

You have a great attitude. You sound like a great guy. Keep on keeping on!

YOU GOT THIS!!!

Hey,

Just thought id give you an update on how everything turned out and what the outcome was. 

We spoke last night to finalize plans for the apartment. After sorting everything out I told her I'd like to see her before she left for her placement. She was once again very back and forth on if we should spend time together and basically said that it wasn't good timing with everything she has on the go and that if we were to spend time together shed want it to be just as friends.

Afterwards I had sent her a text basically just saying that although I am disappointed by how the past months have gone I respect her decision and wish her all the best. 

She responded and said that she feels terrible that she cant give me what I need right now and that she appreciates how respectful and supportive I have been of her needs. She said that she'd like for us to spend some time together once she is back from her placement(end of sept) and we are both more settled. 

It felt very final, but I couldnt handle holding out hope anymore. I told her that although I appreciate the sentiment, i love her and am not being fair to myself by thinking of a 'maybe' in acouple months. There can always be a reason to why the timing isnt good. I genuinely wish her the best but we should just keep things to apartment dealings now. 

I feel very sad, but I needed to have some sort of certainty and cant handle waiting longer if she isnt even willing to say that she'd like to give our relationship the chance I feel it deserves. 

I have had some better job prospects in the area we lived together, but have recently gotten the ball rolling on a great opportunity about 12 hours away. 

I feel content that I have made the best effort I can without overstepping, and am now in a better frame of mind to pursue whatever opportunity is best for me, even if that requires moving away.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

@Jarretsmith Hey, I appreciate this update! Jarret, you have really handled this like a champ! I can't imagine anyone doing better than you. I agree with all your decisions. You've been extra patient with her and she's still dancing around.

Meanwhile it seems by giving her this last chance to come around, you've been able to give yourself closure. Bravo! I think if you had cut her off cold from the start, you might have always had that terrible 'what if' nagging you for who knows how long. Now you can make a clean break.

Go get that job, make a fresh start in a new town. I have to say, I think your (ex)girlfriend really screwed up here and lost an amazing guy. Her loss, your gain! You are one of the rare ones...a keeper for sure!

Onward and upward from here, Jarret!

[Jarretsmith]

13 hours ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

@Jarretsmith Hey, I appreciate this update! Jarret, you have really handled this like a champ! I can't imagine anyone doing better than you. I agree with all your decisions. You've been extra patient with her and she's still dancing around.

Meanwhile it seems by giving her this last chance to come around, you've been able to give yourself closure. Bravo! I think if you had cut her off cold from the start, you might have always had that terrible 'what if' nagging you for who knows how long. Now you can make a clean break.

Go get that job, make a fresh start in a new town. I have to say, I think your (ex)girlfriend really screwed up here and lost an amazing guy. Her loss, your gain! You are one of the rare ones...a keeper for sure!

Onward and upward from here, Jarret!

Thank you for all the support and kind words! 

I recognize that the reality could simply be the timing and there is still potential reconnection in the future. That being said, I certainly dont feel any resentment for her, I can imagine myself in her shoes and know how difficult the situation was, regardless of how she feels. 

I did get the closure I needed though, at least for me to be able to go forward with my own life and whats best for me. I would not be opposed to a potential reconnection in the future, but I am now content with moving on and giving up the anxiety that hoping came along with it. I am happy I made the efforts I did, because I can at least relax knowing that I made the best effort I could manage emotionally. 

Thanks again.