COVID circumstances have broken my relationship.

[Jarretsmith]

@HadMeOverABarrel

Now 3 months later I'm staying in our apartment and here she is visiting, but not me. Her best friend lived above us in the house and we had the basement suite. All the pain, loss, and confusion has come back.

I can't read her mind, but I know its been too long for me to try and talk about the past. We've had some interactions, some group dinners, but to her, it's like I'm a stranger now. I can't tell if she has become totally indifferent to me, or if she just has a wall up. Things have changed, but my brain has such a hard time dealing with the change in her demeanour.

We went and did an activity together yesterday and for almost the whole time she was quiet and seemed down, not at all the person I knew and loved. From the first time we hung out, we were basically in tears laughing all the time. She said that shes just feeling burnt out, which is totally reasonable considering what she's been dealing with, but my gut tells me it's me. There were brief flickers of the happiness in her eyes that I used to see, but I can't handle how quickly she let go of what we had.

I want to be with her, and I want her to be happy, but right now not only am I heartbroken and feel powerless. I can't think of anything I can do that won't make things worse. I wish we could work things out, but I'd settle for my heart letting me move on as she has.

Just feeling super down and confused. Seeing her just reaffirmed how strong my feelings are, but I get the vibe that I'm a nobody in her eyes now. 

 

[Acacia98]

On 7/10/2020 at 12:43 AM, Jarretsmith said:

I know 7 days of no contact isnt crazy long, but after having someone in your life so consistently its crazy how quick the mind is to tell you that theyre moving on, forgot about you, etc, especially as I have seen through social media that shes been able to do a bit more normal stuff (i've stopped looking now, for my own sake)

Anyways, thanks for your previous input, I do appreciate it. 

I wouldn't be able to do what you're doing. I'd start to detach emotionally if communication between my SO and I dropped to that extent. And it wouldn't be deliberate. It'd just happen naturally. The sad thing here is that, if you were similar to me, you couldn't even tell her that you were detaching emotionally because that would be breaking "the rules." She'd just wake up one day and find you completely checked out.

I have to ask you a question. If (God forbid) the worst-case scenario were to happen and she experienced a breakdown, what would you do? Would you express disapproval and distance yourself because she was showing "too much weakness", or would you be there for her in every way you reasonably could? 

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, Jarretsmith said:

right now not only am I heartbroken and feel powerless. I can't think of anything I can do that won't make things worse.

Correct. Ultimately, continuing a LTR is a choice made by two people. It can survive literally anything if the choice is made to continue it. The flip side of that is that if one person genuinely chooses to end it, it's over. Period.

COVID circumstances didn't break your relationship, she did. She may have had reasons for that, but ultimately it was a choice.

Many people frequently stick to a choice like that. Don't waste time chasing. Accept the situation so you can move on more quickly.

 

1 hour ago, Jarretsmith said:

 I wish we could work things out, but I'd settle for my heart letting me move on as she has.

This is wise, IMO, considering the situation. Consider moving so you will not keep re-triggering your emotions by her visiting etc. I also suggest NOT hanging out with her AT ALL until you are fully over this. It will probably take a lot longer than you like, but eventually you WILL be over her. The sooner and more thoroughly you work on "getting her out of your system" the better, as you'll be able to move on from a place of emotional well-being and romantically bond with your next partner.

GL

Edited October 2, 2020 by mark clemson

[HadMeOverABarrel]

@Jarretsmith Hi Jarret. It's good to see you back but sorry it's because you're feeling down. @mark clemson gave you some solid advice here. I'll tell you something my counselor told me when I was in your place. She said your ex is like the sun to you, bright warm cheery, but in time you'll see there are other suns that will be better for you. 

You're a really good guy, Jarret. So many nice ladies will appreciate you. Keep moving on with your life. Even if you were ever to reconnect with her, it wouldn't be the same. That relationship ended. If you are to ever reconnect, you'd have to start fresh with her, which would require you to fully grieve the loss of the relationship you had and let it go. That's also going to help you open yourself to new possibilities. Moving on is the only path forward now. Don't be around her until her presence no longer affects you. Otherwise you're just picking the scab.