Chris1989 Posted June 24, 2020 Share Posted June 24, 2020 Hi there, I am new to this forum but I just try to describe my situation. I am dating this guy since 6 months now. From the beginning on he wasn't really my type but everything was fun, we always had a great time and he was pursuing me and this. We started to be closer and closer. He introduced me to his family and his friends. He was often talking about me as his girlfriend and that we are a couple. He gave me nicknames, he called me almost every day. I always just responded to him and was wide open with my heart and feelings. I could see both of us developing a very deep relationship, slowly and intimate. Then a few days ago, I woke up next to him at night - he was crying. Suddenly he said, he thinks we shouldn't see each other anymore. He cried a lot saying that he doesn't understand himself and what it is but something is missing. I was totally shocked and also waking up from my sleep, so I didn't really realize what he was saying. He was still very soft and intimate with me, kissing me and holding my hands. So we felt asleep again, whilst he was holding me in his arms. In the morning we talked a bit longer about all this and he said he is missing the firework and that he wants to see me all the time, wants to have sex with me all the time (which for me is very unrealistic in a deep loving relationship). However he said that I am perfect for him and he always thought I am the right girl for him. That everything is great and that he has feelings for me. He even said he loves me. In the end we both decided to not see each other for a while. Also because I was doubting this the last few weeks. And here are the points which make me wonder if he might have a kind of depression or is not able to love: - He lost his job because of Covid -19 and since then he is not motivated at all, I always had to kick him out of his comfortzone. He was not leaving his home sometimes for 1 week. His sleep got really bad, so that he is awake all night watching crap on YouTube and falls asleep at 7am in the morning sleeping until 3pm. And next day he repeats it. Sometimes he is taking melatonin to sleep or he drinks alcohol or smokes weed. I was just there because I know it is hard for him and I wanted to support him, as I would do for any of my friends. But I also said he should go to see a doctor. To his mind tho, everything was okay and he could change after having his job back. - Because of his bad sleep he has been in bad moods couple of times and tried to be grumpy with me without no reason. Transferring his energy to me/ starting fights etc. - Since his bad sleep a couple of times we couldn't really have sex. During the sex he just lost the lust. For him it was a big thing - he also said shouldn't that be different when he started to cry at night. To my mind, he just has some problems because he is not feeling good at the moment and he thinks a lot and puts himself under pressure. We never had problems with that before. He also is a kind of a perfectionist and trying new things is hard for him. One day I remember my hair was unwashed for a day or so and he couldn't have sex with me because of that. - He told me about all of his dating stories and normally he would see girls with some kind of problems or who are not available. One of them had a drug problem, the other one was very selfish etc... Maybe that is the spark he is missing? When I am writing this down, I feel a bit ridicoulus about this situation. I am a very balanced person with a lot of hobbies, I love my life and my friends and I am very caring and in general a loving person. It's easy for me to feel empathy for someone. I think I really love him, deep down from my heart - I care so much for him and I would support him no matter what. However, I wanted to know some opinions: - Did he maybe just realize that he likes me as a friend and not more? - Does this all has to do with his life? That he is not happy? I even think that he might be depressed. Thanks for reading this and your answers 😀 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted June 24, 2020 Share Posted June 24, 2020 For a guy to say that to me at any time would send me running. And with all the other sensitivities he has I don't think I'd be interested at all, anyway. I need to be with someone that I'm confident we have butterflies for each other. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 24, 2020 Share Posted June 24, 2020 I don't think this guy is in the right head-space for a serious relationship. Whether it's circumstantial or the way he's built, he's not boyfriend material for you. He's got too many doubts and too many issues that will prevent you two from getting closer. I"m sorry, OP, but I think you're best to let him go. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 24, 2020 Share Posted June 24, 2020 His life & these times are coloring everything for him right now. Unfortunately your fledging 6 month romance is not strong enough to support him through this difficult time. He might right his own ship once he gets a new job but until then, there isn't anything you can do except let go. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted June 24, 2020 Share Posted June 24, 2020 He just lost his job and frankly, sounds very depressed about it--to the point where he's self medicating with the booze and weed. All of that is bound to cause one to rethink their life and how they find themselves in the mess they're in---and being lovey-dovey to someone isn't a priority for them. Understand that although it feels like it's aimed at you, this isn't about you. Until he gets his life back on solid footing, your relationship is going to be shoved way down on his priority list. I'd give him space right now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ArcticNights Posted June 27, 2020 Share Posted June 27, 2020 I think you can do better than a guy who smokes weed. Weed messes up people’s mental health and I should imagine that was more likely the cause of his impotence than losing lust for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chris1989 Posted July 2, 2020 Author Share Posted July 2, 2020 Thanks everyone, who answered :) I think I am very clear in my mind, that at the moment it doesn't go anywhere with us. We want to catch up this weekend though. For me it would be more a last talk, as I never told him what I really think. I also wrote some letters to him which I wanted to give him to make a clear cut before someone gets hurt when either he or I am dating again. However, he is behaving as we are going back together again. Reacting to all of my social media activities, texting me and basically talking as nothing has happened. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 2, 2020 Share Posted July 2, 2020 You need to cut ties with him, Chris. He's going to keep yanking you around for as long as you allow it, and you will be the one who pays the price emotionally. The chances of this turning around completely and becoming the relationship you hope for are extremely slim. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted July 2, 2020 Share Posted July 2, 2020 16 hours ago, Chris1989 said: We want to catch up this weekend though. For me it would be more a last talk, as I never told him what I really think. I also wrote some letters to him which I wanted to give him to make a clear cut before someone gets hurt when either he or I am dating again. Keep the letters--he's not going to read them. If he dumped you, then his cut was clear enough for him. Don't let the fantasy of what you're concocting cloud your judgment. You can't sex a man back into a relationship he doesn't want to be in, so don't go there if you don't want to be treated as a convenient and willing stress reliever. Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted July 2, 2020 Share Posted July 2, 2020 For me if I feel uncomfortable for someone to cry or bare his soul or be impotent sometimes or depressed at sudden unemployment- it means I don't love him. These are very intimate times. It's all or nothing for me, a casual relationship or a serious relationship but there's no in-between; ask yourself why you are wanting to 'catch up'? Link to post Share on other sites
La.Primavera Posted July 3, 2020 Share Posted July 3, 2020 I don't think he knows how he feels about you because he is too consumed with his own thoughts and issues. It doesn't sound like he is capable of having a healthy relationship right now. If you ignore the warning signs and continue to see him, this can easily turn into an unhealthy breakup cycle that will drag you down and bring a lot of unnecessary drama into your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chris1989 Posted July 7, 2020 Author Share Posted July 7, 2020 Hi Everyone, I just wanted to say thank you for the support :) I caught up with my ex this weekend. We had dinner together and it was nice, but I already knew before that I don't want to go back with him. I said everything what I wanted to say to him. There were a lot in my mind. Also telling him, that there is no way for me to go back and that I need something else in my life -more stable, deep, meaningful etc. It was probably the hardest conversation I ever had. He then said that he would never really shut me off and that he just doesn't know what he is doing at the moment. We hugged and cried together - it was actually kind of beautiful in a way. I still love him as a friend but yeah stayed strong. However, I just wanted to thank everyone for the time you took :) Link to post Share on other sites
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