Couldn't commit, gf left after three years

[mucha]

My girlfriend of three years just left me, saying that I was always going to find some reason or other to hesitate on committing. It was a natural progression to move in together and I just couldn't do it. I talked to her about some of the concerns I had and she got very upset. I told her that I wasn't going to end the relationship over any of them and I tried to provide reassurance to her, but it wasn't enough. I'd mentioned to her that I had a hard time being around someone all the time and that sometimes I needed to just go be on my own. She'd also asked about whether or not I was still attracted to her and I tried to be as gentle and honest as I could and told her that i'd like it if she lost weight. She'd struggled with her weight in the past so I knew how hurtful that was going to be, but I thought it was most fair to her to share my thoughts. She'd previously made comments about how she felt like I was out of her league so I thought she'd feel better about herself if she was able to make those positive changes. I offered my support and said I would do anything she needed to help her feel better about herself. There have also been a few instances in our relationship where I seriously had to question her honesty and integrity. I tried to bring those up as well and she'd become defensive.

She says that she still loves me but she doesn't think either of us can be truly happy together. I feel like I can't bring myself to fully commit and that I'm always going to find something wrong with somebody in order to avoid having to take that next step. I truly loved this woman and I'm devastated that it's slipped away despite my best efforts. 

[d0nnivain]

It may have been your best effort but it wasn't enough.  Most women are eventually going to want marriage or to live together.  If you can't offer that you will limit the # of people who are willing to put up with your eccentricities. 

I'm sorry you are hurting but I understand her painful decision.  

[elaine567]

24 minutes ago, mucha said:

I'm devastated that it's slipped away despite my best efforts. 

Your best efforts to push her away...

No commitment, not now not ever, by the sounds of things.
Insulting her appearance.
Bringing up old grievances you had. 

Where exactly did you think that would all lead?
 

[mucha]

31 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

It may have been your best effort but it wasn't enough.  Most women are eventually going to want marriage or to live together.  If you can't offer that you will limit the # of people who are willing to put up with your eccentricities. 

I'm sorry you are hurting but I understand her painful decision.  

I understand it too. I'm just trying to deal with with this. We exchanged our things on Sunday and it's all pretty fresh.

 

23 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Your best efforts to push her away...

No commitment, not now not ever, by the sounds of things.
Insulting her appearance.
Bringing up old grievances you had. 

Where exactly did you think that would all lead?
 

I didn't want to insult her or bring up the past. I made clear that I still thought she was beautiful. I wanted to have a productive conversation and even with planning it out and trying to frame things positively I still did  a lot of damage. I'm really bad at this and I can never seem to get any better about it. I love her dearly despite the hurt the conversation clearly caused and she knows that.

[d0nnivain]

examine what you are afraid of.  What is the worst thing that could happen if you moved in?    It's probably that your relationship ends & you get hurt.  Well . . .where are you now?  You may as well take the chance  

I understand you need your space.  I need space too.  There was a period of adjustment every time I moved in with somebody.  Each time there was unique solution.  With the 1st guy I lived with, I got home before him so had the house to myself.  With another he worked 2nd shift so I had evenings to myself.  With DH I took to heading in to work a bit later so I had mornings to myself.  I also take walks alone & over the years we have staked out parts of the house that are "ours" individually.  I rarely invade his man cave.    

[kendahke]

1 hour ago, mucha said:

I truly loved this woman and I'm devastated that it's slipped away despite my best efforts. 

I think you truly loved the idea of her and how she kept you from being alone.

You've let a lot of things get in the way of your relationship--things that it doesn't sound like you've discussed with a therapist so you can effectively resolve them.  That would have been a best effort, but I don't see where you typed that you made this particular effort.

Understand that not too many people want to live in a limbo situation for over 3 years, especially when the person stalling them out isn't doing anything productive to move them off of their intransigence. Doubling down every time they bring their grievances to you about stalling is a sure fire way to find yourself where you find yourself today.

How much alone time/time by yourself do you need? Weeks of it? Months of it? Is it always on your time table?  See, that gets old.

What she's picking up from what you're saying/doing is you're not emotionally reliable, you're not physically attracted to her and you don't want to be around her. Sweet words aren't going to change the interpretation of your actions.

[mucha]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

examine what you are afraid of.  What is the worst thing that could happen if you moved in?    It's probably that your relationship ends & you get hurt.  Well . . .where are you now?  You may as well take the chance  

I understand you need your space.  I need space too.  There was a period of adjustment every time I moved in with somebody.  Each time there was unique solution.  With the 1st guy I lived with, I got home before him so had the house to myself.  With another he worked 2nd shift so I had evenings to myself.  With DH I took to heading in to work a bit later so I had mornings to myself.  I also take walks alone & over the years we have staked out parts of the house that are "ours" individually.  I rarely invade his man cave.    

I do have trouble not letting hte worst case scenario play a large role in my decision or indecision. At this point it is probably too late to move in together, as we both have re-signed our separate leases. I had put off signing mine because of the uncertainty in the relationsihp, but I couldn't put it off any longer. And anyway, the relationship is over. 

 

40 minutes ago, kendahke said:

I think you truly loved the idea of her and how she kept you from being alone.

You've let a lot of things get in the way of your relationship--things that it doesn't sound like you've discussed with a therapist so you can effectively resolve them.  That would have been a best effort, but I don't see where you typed that you made this particular effort.

Understand that not too many people want to live in a limbo situation for over 3 years, especially when the person stalling them out isn't doing anything productive to move them off of their intransigence. Doubling down every time they bring their grievances to you about stalling is a sure fire way to find yourself where you find yourself today.

How much alone time/time by yourself do you need? Weeks of it? Months of it? Is it always on your time table?  See, that gets old.

What she's picking up from what you're saying/doing is you're not emotionally reliable, you're not physically attracted to her and you don't want to be around her. Sweet words aren't going to change the interpretation of your actions.

I struggle with making decisions, even smallish ones. I often find myself wondering if I'm doing the right thing or if my motivations are correct or what I think they should be. It isn't particularly normal and I've struggled with it. Can you clarify how i would approach these issues in therapy?Maybe recommend a book?

Edited June 24, 2020 by mucha

[kendahke]

22 minutes ago, mucha said:

Can you clarify how i would approach these issues in therapy?Maybe recommend a book?

A therapist would be a better person to answer this. Look up recent Terri Cole videos--she has a sponsorship with an online therapy group that she mentions in her videos.

I"m still interested in hearing this answer:

How much alone time/time by yourself do you need? Weeks of it? Months of it? Is it always on your time table? 

Edited June 24, 2020 by kendahke

[GeorgiaPeach1]

You should have expressed your disinterest in commitment and your weight preference much, much sooner. You've wasted years of her life, damaged another human being emotionally and used her for your own selfish needs as you strung her along. 

[preraph]

You have limitations.  Maybe you always will.  But if you truly want to change, seek therapy.  

[mucha]

17 minutes ago, kendahke said:

I"m still interested in hearing this answer:

How much alone time/time by yourself do you need? Weeks of it? Months of it? Is it always on your time table? 

Not too much, just a few hours once or twice weekly, maybe a weekend every now and then if I want to visit a distant friend. The issue with is that I feel guilty or that I"m abandoning someone by not being around. I am the oldest of nine children and I had a lot of caretaking responsibilities growing up.

 

11 minutes ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

You should have expressed your disinterest in commitment and your weight preference much, much sooner. You've wasted years of her life, damaged another human being emotionally and used her for your own selfish needs as you strung her along. 

I'm interested in commitment, just persistently averse to it. I have no problem with committing to someone emotionally, and her weight wasn't a deal-breaker. she'd brought up physical attraction and i tried to be honest with her while also reassuring her. Just to be clear, I'm not here looking for sympathy and I know that I've made mistakes. I shrugged off a few things that I should have taken to heart and I perhaps did not do the things I needed to in order to help the relationship survive these difficult conversations.

 

8 minutes ago, preraph said:

You have limitations.  Maybe you always will.  But if you truly want to change, seek therapy.  

I'm looking into telehealth counseling right now. 

[ExpatInItaly]

In your heart of hearts, were you genuinely interested in a future with her?

I am wondering if this is not all down to a fear of commitment, but also concerns that she wasn't the person you want to spend your life with. You said you questioned her honesty and integrity - what was that related to? 

[mucha]

25 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

In your heart of hearts, were you genuinely interested in a future with her?

I am wondering if this is not all down to a fear of commitment, but also concerns that she wasn't the person you want to spend your life with. You said you questioned her honesty and integrity - what was that related to? 

When we began dating she was dishonest with me about seeing other people while seeing me at the same time. I had told her that I wasn't comfortable with that sort of arrangement, and that I'd like her to be honest with me about what her situation was. She insisted she wasn't seeing anyone else, which was untrue. I caught her lying to one of those people about where she was when she was spending the night with me, which was very unpleasant. I hadn't been very clear in my intentions up to that point so I owned up to that and tried to understand that a girl is going to keep her options open if she isn't getting relationship vibes from a guy. We split up for a few months last year for similar reasons as this break up and she ended up in a four months long pseudo-relationship that she maintained right up until the day before we saw each other again. She didn't even tell this other guy what was going on, she just said she needed some space to do her own thing. For six weeks, until i stumbled across texts on her computer, she had said that she had dated him briefly but broke it off a month before we started talking again. I was very close to ending for good but decided to stay because the relationship had for the most part been the most rewarding and loving I'd ever had.

I tried to address these issues the best I could but I couldn't really figure out the best way to to do that. It's entirely possible I could never truly let those incidents go and so I subconsciously was sabotaging the relationship. Some of my issues aren't really specific to her and about my relationship hangups generally, so i'm still interested in working through this.

Edited June 24, 2020 by mucha

[d0nnivain]

With the added info about having understandable trust issues & a prior break up your unwillingness to commit / move in makes more sense.  You just weren't there yet.  It's not that you will never be able to commit to someone but you will need a more stable solid foundation then you had with this woman.  

[healing light]

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I am wondering if this is not all down to a fear of commitment, but also concerns that she wasn't the person you want to spend your life with. You said you questioned her honesty and integrity - what was that related to?

Not sure why you've received as much flack as you have. These are valid concerns, it sounds like you weren't sure she was compatible with you long-term and that's fine. Much better to move on now than to marry a person you have doubts about. 

[mucha]

2 hours ago, healing light said:

Not sure why you've received as much flack as you have. These are valid concerns, it sounds like you weren't sure she was compatible with you long-term and that's fine. Much better to move on now than to marry a person you have doubts about. 

The relationship had come to a turning point and I had tried to talk about some fo the things that gave me cause for concern before moving in together and I think made it clear that I was not going to terminate the relationship over htem. She decided we want different things and that I probably don't actually love her.I don't know. I'm tired and i need to stop drinking every night.

[assertives]

It sounds like you are both at different points in the relationship. She was ready to leave and the moving in together was probably an ultimatum of sorts for her after a long time of her often feeling like you aren't willing to commit. While you on the other hand sounds like you are still waiting and seeing and perhaps trying to fine-tune things/the relationship/or even her to see if it can fit what you think you want before perhaps then you can finally take things to the next level. 

Frankly, it really does sounds like you both want different things, and from your additional sharing of your history with her, she wanted commitment but it seems to her that were hesitant, so she kept her options open. 

11 hours ago, mucha said:

I hadn't been very clear in my intentions up to that point

I mean.. that's another pseudo-relationship situation but you expected loyalty, exclusivity and commitment from her already. 

11 hours ago, mucha said:

We split up for a few months last year for similar reasons as this break up and she ended up in a four months long pseudo-relationship that she maintained right up until the day before we saw each other again. She didn't even tell this other guy what was going on, she just said she needed some space to do her own thing.

I mean, to be fair, if it was just a 4 months pseudo-relationship, she doesn't owe him the full history of what's going on between you and her and her plans moving forward, no? They weren't even in a committed relationship. Kinda like when you guys started out too. 

Plus, it seems you have always displayed a lack of interest in commitment to her, she may have felt she doesn't have anything concrete to say anyway.

I think if you were honest to yourself, you probably are not that into her. You guys are not compatible and that's ok. After 3 years, if you still don't know if you want to take things to the next level, you don't want to take things to the next level. To you, you may think the issues are not deal-breakers because you are content with cruising on, status quo. But to her, 3 years is enough time wasted. It's probably for the better that you've gone your seperate ways.

Edited June 25, 2020 by assertives

[ExpatInItaly]

Why did you two previously break up, exactly?

[mucha]

8 hours ago, assertives said:

I think if you were honest to yourself, you probably are not that into her. You guys are not compatible and that's ok. After 3 years, if you still don't know if you want to take things to the next level, you don't want to take things to the next level. To you, you may think the issues are not deal-breakers because you are content with cruising on, status quo. But to her, 3 years is enough time wasted. It's probably for the better that you've gone your seperate ways.

I don't blame her for being done. I feel stuck in relationships sometimes and I don't know how to sort it it out. When we broke up last year I was an absolute wreck I felt like a part  of me had vanished. When we reunited I was so excited about the future together and even secretly looked at engagement rings. Over time though, the feelings of unease crept back. It wasn't like I thought I could do better, I just felt pangs of longing for independence, like a lassitude or restlessness. It's hard to articulate these feelings. What I was feeling might be entirely nomral and I was just looking for some more concrete issue with my ex to pin my creeping dissatisfaction on. This cycle is a pattern for me though and I don't know how to fix it. 

 

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Why did you two previously break up, exactly?

See above. I felt stuck and a little trapped and like I couldn't give her what she needed. 

[d0nnivain]

That is why you couldn't "fully commit" because you knew something was off.  It's sad when a relationship ends & you miss having the companionship but that doesn't mean that you should stay together.  

[mucha]

8 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

That is why you couldn't "fully commit" because you knew something was off.  It's sad when a relationship ends & you miss having the companionship but that doesn't mean that you should stay together.  

How do I stop feeling trapped in relationships though? This is a pattern for me. I've thought about this a lot and while I'm resistant to it, I do genuinely want something long term. 

[d0nnivain]

Stop thinking of being in a relationship as being limiting.  Yes, you can't date other people in a conventional monogamous situation but there is actually something freeing about commitment.  You can put your energy into building something.  You have built in BFF & companion in good times & bad.  You don't have to wonder what you will be doing on Saturday night because you have somebody to do it with.  Even if it's nothing, you have that person.  

Start looking at the positives you do get from being in a relationship. 

The pop psychology books were written for women & they are a bit misogynistic but two books by Dr. Laura, The Care & Feeding of a Marriage and the Care & Feeding of a Husband are about appreciation.    They encourage seeing a relationship as a place of abundance.  

[Beachead]

Hey @mucha

You gave the best you could in that relationship.  As did she.   There is no version either of you could have delivered that would have been better.  Things ended regardless.  That means, you two were incompatible.   We do things for a particular reason.  You pumped the breaks on your relationship because your subconscious was telling you, "things aren't right."  There was certain criteria that mattered to you, that were not being fulfilled.     As a result, you unknowingly displayed actions that flowed in the wrong direction and that is what she picked up on and that is why she knew ending it, was best for the both of you.   You're backtracking on your behaviour now and looking at your relationship favourably, is out of fear you may never find someone more suitable for you you again.  It's not because you truly want that relationship back.   This is anxiety, not feelings.

Focus on the reasons that were the cause for your reservations to commit.  List it down in writing and reread it to yourself.  This is criteria that is most definitely important to you.  Any additional thoughts or feelings associated with each point,  jot down on there as well because it'll help you keep your mind grounded through the anxiety.  From there, start addressing whether each point on that list is reasonable or if you're asking too much of a person.  We can help you with that.   This may also help you begin to realize what kind of partner you may be looking for.  

Everytime you see anything of her, it'll trigger you so get her out of your sight.  I would delete her number and if that's hard to do right now, just write it down on a sheet of paper and store it out of sight.  Also get rid of photos on your phone or back it up to a cloud or an external harddrive.  Block her or at the very least, unfollow/unfriend her on social media.  Box anything of hers you have lying around the house and get that out of your sight as well.  Out of sight, out of mind.

Also, I've drank in the past to cope with breakups myself, and it never helps.  It is a poor coping mechanism following the same track as any kind of drug or habitual behaviour we adopt to run away from our pain and thoughts.  Running away or burying does not help.  You've got to feel the pain to heal it.   You might be able to numb yourself for a short while but then that buzz wears off, and all that pain and all those unresolved thoughts/feelings which you haven't dealt with, will be waiting for you..with a hangover.    You're grieving your break up right now and you need a clear head space to feel things and to think through those things because then you will begin to process them and work through it.  That leads to healing and clarity.   

Stay strong man

- Beach

 

Edited June 26, 2020 by Beachead

[Happy Lemming]

On 6/24/2020 at 6:54 AM, mucha said:

It was a natural progression to move in together and I just couldn't do it.

Many, many years ago, I was dating a woman that gave me an ultimatum.  She told me she had dated me long enough, I needed to propose or leave.  I left!!  Didn't think twice, didn't hesitate, just left.

She is now on her 3rd or 4th marriage, I've lost count. 

Me leaving that day was (by far) my BEST. DECISION. EVER!!

Never be pushed into doing something this life changing.  It has to be your choice! 

Stay happy, my friend!

[mucha]

@Beachead

i hear what you're saying and I am definitely wary of my emotions, especially since this is so fresh. I also need to take responsibility for the pattern that has emerged in my romantic relationships, though. I seem to always find some way out or some issue to either bring up or let stew and cause a rift. Intellectually I understand that people aren't perfect and that not all conversations will be pleasant ones and that relationships aren't going to be what you wish they were. I'm trying to learn from this and I'm very poor at communicating.

My ex is an amazing person in most ways but I couldn't help but get hung up on a few things. She was quite promiscuous in her past and has had lied to me a number of times. I can understand the promiscuity more ably because she doesn't have a very large social circle and her family isn't as supportive as they should be, so it's easy for women especially (imo) to use sex as a relatively effortless way to populate their worlds and get some validation. The lying was very very hard to address properly and I don't know if we could ever truly get past it. For my part though, I didn't bring it up as much as i should have following the initial discovery, which was explosive.

We also have very different family dynamics. My family has been very open to her and included her in vacations and holidays. she knows that she has a huge number of people that care about her on my side and can enjoy that support and security. Her parents barely acknowledge me. It's not reasonable to expect her family to be as welcoming as mine,  but for three years they haven't been a factor in our lives together. 

I also had some concerns about her weight and i tried to address them as constructively and supportively as I could. It's shallow but i did find myself marvelling at how good she'd look if she lost weight. Not that I don't think she's attractive now, but she is carrying some extra and I think she'd enjoy life more if she lost weight, which sounds insensitive. I dont expect her to have a body like an instragram fitness influencer, but she's probably 30 pounds overweight. I lost a bunch of weight  a few years ago and got into the gym and it's become a part of my life. I like knowing that my body reflects the discipline and work I put into taking care of it. 

I stayed sober last night. Thank you for advice.

Edited June 26, 2020 by mucha