Couldn't commit, gf left after three years

[Beachead]

@mucha

1 hour ago, mucha said:

I also had some concerns about her weight and i tried to address them as constructively and supportively as I could. It's shallow but i did find myself marvelling at how good she'd look if she lost weight. Not that I don't think she's attractive now, but she is carrying some extra and I think she'd enjoy life more if she lost weight, which sounds insensitive. I dont expect her to have a body like an instragram fitness influencer, but she's probably 30 pounds overweight. I lost a bunch of weight  a few years ago and got into the gym and it's become a part of my life. I like knowing that my body reflects the discipline and work I put into taking care of it. 

Maybe in a perfect world, one wouldn't care about physical appearance at all and the recipient of such a comment, wouldn't take it with hard feelings.  But, this is not a perfect world.  It's good you were honest but as kind and comforting as you are about it, I doubt very much there's a scenario in which anyone would take a comment about their appearance, especially from someone they're romantically involved with, as anything more than shallow criticism, although your intentions may have been well-meaning.   But also from your side, you can't really blame yourself for feeling that way because physical appearance is unfortunately a qualifier in a relationship..for everyone..as much as they loathe themselves for it and instinctively want to point fingers at the person admitting to it. 

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The lying was very very hard to address properly and I don't know if we could ever truly get past it. For my part though, I didn't bring it up as much as i should have following the initial discovery, which was explosive.

Perhaps she just felt that bring up her past would have made you uncomfortable and drive you away.   Having said that, lying is never a good thing for the reasons that are you mentioning; it leads to problems with trust.

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We also have very different family dynamics. My family has been very open to her and included her in vacations and holidays. she knows that she has a huge number of people that care about her on my side and can enjoy that support and security. Her parents barely acknowledge me. It's not reasonable to expect her family to be as welcoming as mine,  but for three years they haven't been a factor in our lives together. 

Well there you go.

It's good you recognize flaws you have to work on.  All I'm saying is,  don't fall into the trap of looking back at your relationship, and feeling like things could have been different had you been different.  If you were physically/emotionally abusive or you cheated, then you are the blame.  But this isn't that.  You were who you were and she was who she was and at the end of the day, it amounted to incompatibility.  That's all.

For the mean time, take your time and heal up.

- Beach

Edited June 26, 2020 by Beachead

[regine_phalange]

On 6/25/2020 at 2:29 PM, mucha said:

I don't blame her for being done. I feel stuck in relationships sometimes and I don't know how to sort it it out. When we broke up last year I was an absolute wreck I felt like a part  of me had vanished. When we reunited I was so excited about the future together and even secretly looked at engagement rings. Over time though, the feelings of unease crept back. It wasn't like I thought I could do better, I just felt pangs of longing for independence, like a lassitude or restlessness. It's hard to articulate these feelings. What I was feeling might be entirely nomral and I was just looking for some more concrete issue with my ex to pin my creeping dissatisfaction on. This cycle is a pattern for me though and I don't know how to fix it. 

 

See above. I felt stuck and a little trapped and like I couldn't give her what she needed. 

Do you feel the need to restrict yourself when you are with others and therefore longing to be alone so you can be yourself? If yes, in what ways are you restricting yourself? 

[mucha]

@regine_phalange

I do sometimes feel like i restrict myself around others, but not that I'm holding back who I am. It's more of a mobility and spontaneity thing. I have a very hard time just going and doing things when someone is at home waiting for me. I like the freedom of being able to go for a bike ride or visit a friend for the weekend without worrying about upsetting someone or making them feel abandoned or like i don't want them around. Logistically, emotionally and financially it's easier to do those things solo. OTOH, living together would likely increase expendable income for both parties and reduce the time dedicated to travel from one household to another. 

 

Moreover, I"ve been persistently uncomfortable with the perceived reduction of possibilities in my life when I have had a significant other. Once that chunk of your world gets sorted, I feel like things get boring.

[assertives]

Have you considered that maybe you are better off alone? There's nothing wrong with that, I personally know quite a few people who thrive being on their own, and are leading meaningful and productive lives. You don't necessarily need to be in a relationship just because everyone else is or is telling you that you need to. 

[mucha]

@assertives

i have thought of that, a lot actually. I feel this tendency to be alone but I can recognize the ways in which committed relationships enrich others' lives and I also feel like i want that too. It keeps coming up in everyone relationship I've had.  I'm 41 and feel I'm too old to not have this figured out

[mucha]

We talked two days ago, and she's still very upset. She said she felt like I haven't shown her love in months and that i didn't care very much during the breakup process, and that this is a yearly pattern of stalling on moving to the next step. I can see where she's coming from. I tried to have a conversation with her but she basically wasn't having it. I told her that i love her very much and that I never intended to lose her over the issues I brought up earlier in the month.

I feel like I struggled and tried my best to communicate with her but it's just not good enough. Every time I seemed to have made progress with her she came back the next day with another way I have messed up or made her feel terrible or why we weren't compatible. Maybe i just couldn't show her clearly how I felt or how willing I was to work through problems even though I might fumble the approach. 

Maybe I just couldn't appreciate well enough what we had while we had it. Maybe I'm just feeling my ego right now and I need to let this go. It's hard to tell.

 

[assertives]

2 hours ago, mucha said:

that this is a yearly pattern of stalling on moving to the next step.

In my honest opinion, I think this is a bigger issue than the other issues you brought up in light of what you shared about how you view and feel about relationships:

On 6/27/2020 at 8:40 PM, mucha said:

I"ve been persistently uncomfortable with the perceived reduction of possibilities in my life when I have had a significant other. Once that chunk of your world gets sorted, I feel like things get boring.

You guys have broken up/fought over this same issue of commitment throughout your entire relationship. I think you should just leave her alone. Love isn't enough. If you guys are incompatible, you are incompatible. Dragging this on will just see another year of the same issue again. No point wasting hers and your time. Perhaps spend some time being single and work out whether you actually do want to be in a committed relationship before you get into another relationship.

[mucha]

18 hours ago, assertives said:

In my honest opinion, I think this is a bigger issue than the other issues you brought up in light of what you shared about how you view and feel about relationships:

You guys have broken up/fought over this same issue of commitment throughout your entire relationship. I think you should just leave her alone. Love isn't enough. If you guys are incompatible, you are incompatible. Dragging this on will just see another year of the same issue again. No point wasting hers and your time. Perhaps spend some time being single and work out whether you actually do want to be in a committed relationship before you get into another relationship.

That's where I'm at. I plan on leaving her alone. I'm working on setting up therapy sessions. Last night all I wanted to do was hold he close and I don't know what to do with these feelings.

[Goodguy05]

I think a lot of us dudes can relate to feelings of independence have you read men are from mars woman are from Venus ? The author talks alot about that in the book. Men are generally more non committal than woman from my experiences. We just wanna have a good time while they wanna settle down and have security ...and that's where we clash lol. 

Edited July 5, 2020 by Goodguy05