Killing my own chance of happiness. why am I like this?

[HighHopes87]

Hi Guys,

Long story short. I think that I’ve only ever truly loved one girl in my life. She was my first real relationship. We lived together and I thought that we’d get married. Looking back , what we had was really special. When we were together we had our own little world. We had our ups and downs but I know that she’s the only girl that’s ever really understood me and accepted me for who I am, warts and all. Unfortunately I was really immature at the time. We were young and my friends were going out on the pull most weekends and I felt like I was missing out. My girlfriend battled with her weight but was attractive a I guess I was just used to her. I was shallow and was jealous of my friends younger , thinner girlfriends and their tales of liaisons with women. 
My girlfriend was wifey and comfortable. Being younger I craved excitement. I’m ashamed to say that I treated my girlfriend really badly - I really was an a**hole. Nothing physical but I know that I emotionally neglected her and I sabotaged our relationship for my own selfish desires. One night I went out on a friends birthday night out and I slept with a girl who confided in my friend that she liked me. I felt so terrible afterwards and instantly regretted it. Naturally my girlfriend was devastated. I know that I broke her heart and our relationships would never recover. 
I ended up having a string of attachments with a few very attractive women but I’ve never ever had that emotional connection that I had with my first girlfriend. It’s torture and even though she’s long gone out of my life I think of her all the time. I crave the intensity that we had. I feel like I’ve cursed myself to never find happiness. All I focus on now is how women look and I just can’t open my heart in the same way. 
Has anyone experienced anything like this? 

[Fresh_Start]

31 minutes ago, HighHopes87 said:

Has anyone experienced anything like this? 

Have I ever.  You practically just wrote my biography up there.

For me, the woman was my actual wife.  She was gorgeous -- a beauty pageant contestant, sweet, outgoing, and complemented me in every way.  She was my princess.  I didn't treat her badly, but I gave up on our marriage too easily after facing immense pressure from my family.  She had been repeatedly molested by her grandfather when she was a child and all of her demons decided to manifest themselves about a year into our marriage after we'd already been together for a very blissful 4 years.  She seemed to change almost overnight: getting addicted to painkillers, making tens of thousands of dollars worth of foolish purchases, incurring credit card debt, and could no longer maintain employment.  My family kept pressuring me to divorce her until I finally caved and did it.  It was not what I wanted though and on the day she moved out of our house with all of her things she walked right up to me, gave me a kiss on the lips, and said: "No one will ever love you as much as I have." 

And she was right.  That was 17 years ago and I can remember it as clearly as if it happened yesterday.  I've referred to it as "the kiss of death" and have even joked with friends and family that she put a curse on me that day.  Sounding familiar so far?

I spent the next 7 years of my life trying to replace her: dating some women who were just as beautiful or more so but lacking in all of the other areas or women who weren't as beautiful but possessed most or all of her other good qualities.  I got into a lot of relationships based solely on looks and the one woman whose looks I completely ignored for what I thought were all of the more important qualities ended up being the one to break MY heart.  After every breakup, most of which were initiated by me because nobody ever measured up to the impossible standards that I held them to when I was still young and stupid, I always thought about my ex wife and missed her deeply.  Divorcing her is the biggest regret of my life.

What's the takeaway from this for you?

Don't repeat my mistakes.  Don't try to replace what you lost and stop focusing so much on looks.  If you feel there's no chance at all of reconciliation with your own princess then you need to make every effort to bury the past and move on with your life.  There are lots of great women out there and I've been fortunate enough to have fallen in love with my fair share of them, even coming close to remarrying a couple of times before "the curse" decided to hurl some kind of relationship-ending adversity or another into the equation.  Most importantly: never give up.  You will find another great love like the one you had and so will I, but only after you stop trying to replace her.

Good luck, mini-me.

[HighHopes87]

Thank you for your insight. It’s a difficult one. I really do think that you only ever get that ‘once in a lifetime’ type of love. I just can’t believe that I threw it away because she wasn’t conventionally good looking. I was young and stupid.  I don’t think that we were meant to be together long term but I just can’t match that connection with anyone else and it’s so frustrating. Its not so much her that I crave but I miss the intensity and the deep connection. I’m in such a rut. I feel empty after one night stands and I feel lonely. 

 

[Fresh_Start]

1 hour ago, HighHopes87 said:

I really do think that you only ever get that ‘once in a lifetime’ type of love.

You need to change this type of thinking. 

If we were all destined to only meet one person in our lives who was our perfect "once in a lifetime type of love" then we would have a far greater chance of winning the lottery than ever finding them.  Is it possible that you never find anyone like your former girlfriend again?  Yes.  But it's just as possible that you'll find many women like her and some that are even better.  You aren't going to develop a deep connection with a one night stand.  That's not the role that one night stands play in your life.  Additionally, if all you focus on is how women look then you are overlooking all of their qualities that would serve as the foundation for a deeper connection. 

You need to think about what your type is -- and I mean really give it some thought, not just generically as "somebody like my ex".  You also need to then consider expanding your tastes a bit to leave yourself open to other possibilities.  Do you only like one genre of music and only that genre or are there other genres that you also enjoy listening to?  Same thing with women.  Once you start opening yourself up to possibilities you'll begin to see how foolish it is to think that there's only one woman out there for you -- and that you already let her slip away.  Does a fisherman quit fishing after he snags a big one that gets away?  No, otherwise he wouldn't be much of a fisherman would he?  He knows, to be cliché, that there are plenty of fish in the sea and that he will eventually catch another big one, a bigger one than the one that got away, and yes some worse ones too, but he will never land that next great catch or greater catch if he gives up.

Take some time to genuinely get to know the women you go out with and just live in the present without dwelling on the past, because if you're always looking over your shoulder you're going to miss what's right in front of you.