Am I a bad friend?

[ShyViolet]

There is absolutely nothing wrong with taking a step back from a friendship if it is one-sided, counterproductive and draining you.  You are not her therapist.  She doesn't have the right to unload her problems on you constantly to the point that you feel emotionally exhausted and used.  She is wallowing in negativity and making bad choices in her life, not taking people's advice about how to solve her problems, and going through the same dysfunctional cycles again and again.  Personally, I would drop a friend like that.  I wouldn't have the patience or the mental energy for a friendship like that.  Sometimes we outgrow friendships.  Just because you are her "BFF" does not mean that you're chained to her forever and you're not allowed to grow and move on.  Ultimately you have to do what's best for YOU.

[Ruby Slippers]

I see the "a friend is a friend for life" argument, too. I remembered that I have one friend who is kind of a perpetual whiner. I listen and offer an uplifting perspective as much as I can, don't let it drag me down. It's generous of spirit to just listen and be there for people. But I'm sure it's not everybody's cup of tea.

[Azincourt]

Yeah, what OP's friend needs is space and distance from her boyfriend, and she also needs a personal therapist to work out her issues and to get her life back on track. OP isn't a professional doctor. She's not getting paid to put up with all of this drama, and she has her own problems, family, friends, responsabilities and her own job to deal with.

 

[Artdeco]

49 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I see the "a friend is a friend for life" argument, too. I remembered that I have one friend who is kind of a perpetual whiner. I listen and offer an uplifting perspective as much as I can, don't let it drag me down. It's generous of spirit to just listen and be there for people. 

IKR? And it’s not even HARD, unless you’re completely selfish. Or super busy with 6 children, 2 dogs and your own business, and currently going through a divorce and selling all your real estate. 🤣🤣

anyway - my point is: real friendships are rare these days, people have no compassion anymore, and their attention span is just soooo short these days...... 
 

Also - rather than getting annoyed with a “friend” who genuinely needs me, I’d be more inclined (by nature I guess) to actually appreciate what I have, and be thankful for NOT having to go through the painful things that make somebody I care about suffer. 

[Lorenza]

I wrote to her yesterday, said I love her and that she can still write to me when she needs it. For myself I have decided I will not try to vigorously try to give her advice and redirect her mind to the right track, as I have been trying to do so far - @Artdeco yes, it IS hard, even if you're not going through divorce or have 6 children - to actually care and try your absolute best to help them realise things is hard if you have any life of your own. It is loads and loads of lengthy thought through messages which get minimal response. But from now on I will be responding with "awww yes it sucks, hang in there", "poor you, but it gets better!" type of messages. So she can write it out to me but I will not be emotionally involved in trying to give her therapy. 

[chillii]

16 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I see the "a friend is a friend for life" argument, too. I remembered that I have one friend who is kind of a perpetual whiner. I listen and offer an uplifting perspective as much as I can, don't let it drag me down. It's generous of spirit to just listen and be there for people. But I'm sure it's not everybody's cup of tea.

This is the thing with my friend he's always been such a giving person , a better friend normally you would never find. And we have a lot in common and he's different like me hence us being friends in the first place. But it's like he's on self centered speed lately. Think in my case given he's always been such a good friend before this , l'll try just steering clear of him for a few mths first, see if he gets himself back on track.

[Lorenza]

Is it a good idea to tell Laura that her ex is activelly looking for "someone exciting to date and find out where it leads to" on a dating site they met 5 years ago? She still has unrealistic dreams about talking to him and getting him back, claiming that he isn't over her either. Maybe that will yank her back to reality, because she often answers with all kinds of "no i don't want to move on, I only want him back!" becayse he's clearly looking for someone new with his very detailed ccount and loads of pictures in the gallery. 

Or should I keep it to myself as she's already hurting? Was just thinking it could help her to lose hope and start accepting the facts. I know her ex quite well too, and he is for real, there is no hope there for her. The sooner she accepts it, the better 😕

[FMW]

5 hours ago, Lorenza said:

Is it a good idea to tell Laura

I probably would.  Since she continues talking about him to you, I think it's ok to give her feedback that might help snap her out of it.  But be prepared for her to not be appreciative, at least at first.  

[preraph]

9 hours ago, Lorenza said:

Is it a good idea to tell Laura that her ex is activelly looking for "someone exciting to date and find out where it leads to" on a dating site they met 5 years ago? She still has unrealistic dreams about talking to him and getting him back, claiming that he isn't over her either. Maybe that will yank her back to reality, because she often answers with all kinds of "no i don't want to move on, I only want him back!" becayse he's clearly looking for someone new with his very detailed ccount and loads of pictures in the gallery. 

Or should I keep it to myself as she's already hurting? Was just thinking it could help her to lose hope and start accepting the facts. I know her ex quite well too, and he is for real, there is no hope there for her. The sooner she accepts it, the better 😕

If she's really interested, wouldn't she already have seen that or did he block her?  I think I would not say anything unless the subject just comes up because she may already know and she's just going to believe what she wants to believe.  She might even think he only wrote that because she is seeing someone. You know how stubborn people are holding on to what they want to believe.  I'd leave it alone because it's best she move on.  

[Lorenza]

I ended up sending her screenshots of his profile and I think it might have helped. She said it's probably time for her to do something as well, instead of just sitting and crying non stop

Edited June 29, 2020 by Lorenza

[TheDao]

On 6/28/2020 at 2:17 AM, Lorenza said:

I wrote to her yesterday, said I love her and that she can still write to me when she needs it. For myself I have decided I will not try to vigorously try to give her advice and redirect her mind to the right track, as I have been trying to do so far - @Artdeco yes, it IS hard, even if you're not going through divorce or have 6 children - to actually care and try your absolute best to help them realise things is hard if you have any life of your own. It is loads and loads of lengthy thought through messages which get minimal response. But from now on I will be responding with "awww yes it sucks, hang in there", "poor you, but it gets better!" type of messages. So she can write it out to me but I will not be emotionally involved in trying to give her therapy. 

I have learned women do not normally want solutions, they just want to talk about. It is rare women want solutions they want to be understood.  You need to set boundaries. Contact no more than 3 times a week.   People can be very selfish.  My ex gf was like that, never cared about me but expected me to care about her.

[JacobClark86]

Not an easy situation. I would advise that your friend should turn to a specialized doctor who can help her. Not always a friend can heal spiritual wounds.

[Lorenza]

So it seems that my so called friend has ghosted me. It's been a month since we chatted and she simply leaves me on read. Tried calling her as well and I see to be muted on her messenger. I have put so much effort into talking her through her breakup, listened to all of her relationship rants during 4 years (and there has been a lot) and she simply ignores me out of the blue. Our last convo was as per usual me trying to talk her out of her self-destructive rants, telling she deserves love etc. Next day I ask her something - no answer, and she hasn't answered since, although she's online constantly. Doesn't watch my stories even. 

I asked another friend, who isn't even that close to her, and she responds to her. To me - not even an explanation. Was thinking maybe it's because she's mad I asked her not to come to my bday in july. But my dad who is currently having health issues was there and I was afraid she would pass covid while traveling from another country. There is no lockdown in our countries, but anyway, the number were already starting to raise for the second wave. 

Anyway, I feel like our friendship is over and there is no way back from this behaviour for me. I will no longer responde to her either, if she gets back to me. 

 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. The friendship was quite toxic, so be glad she did the work of going no contact.

All you need to do now is delete and block her from all social media and messaging apps.

Next time don't get over invested . Playing therapist creates an unhealthy dynamic you should avoid in the future.

[Lorenza]

15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear that. The friendship was quite toxic, so be glad she did the work of going no contact.

All you need to do now is delete and block her from all social media and messaging apps.

Next time don't get over invested . Playing therapist creates an unhealthy dynamic you should avoid in the future.

It was mostly toxic when she was going through relationship troubles (of her own making) otherwise we had lots of great times together, so I won't unfriend or block her, but an active friendship is definitely over. 

She is a great example of how not to try and paint your bf as the devil for your friends. Might be she is mad I was so positive about the breakup because I thought her bf is the worst. That's how she portrayed him over the course of 4 years. Then she suddenly reveals her temper and emotional issues is behind most of their fights. And I believe her, as I am now experiencing her tantrum as well. 

Edited August 13, 2020 by Lorenza

[Wiseman2]

Did she go back to the BF?

Anyway, lesson learned. Don't get this involved in people's love lives.

[Acacia98]

On 6/27/2020 at 4:05 AM, Artdeco said:

I have a friend like this and she’s in a bad relationship. She’s in agony. Worse than your friend. They break up - get together - break up. And there is more involved than just emotional abuse and arguing, there happens to be some physical abuse as well occasionally and it’s not funny. 

Is she talking about it constantly? Yes – she definitely is. I have “hit the wall”, as you like to put it, multiple times. Guess what? I’m still here for her. Always. Am I listening? Yes, I definitely am listening. Because I am her friend. I would consider myself to be a really bad friend if I got fed up with her stories or lost patience with her. Then I wouldn’t be a friend at all. 

Part of being a friend is putting your own mundane worries aside and focusing on the person who really seems to have problems....you know - it’s not always about us. Me me me is probably a thing that younger people are most concerned with, but as you mature, you’ll understand it’s not always about you. 

I’m sure you have problems as well and you want to talk about your stuff. But at the moment I think her problems are more significant than yours are. And she’s suffering. Or?

 

Either way - I love my friend and I want to be a good friend to her. Friendship is very important to me. And I’m sure that at some point - when I really need her - she will be there for me just like I’m here for her now. That’s what friendship is all about. I don’t want to call anybody a bad friend, but since you asked so bluntly in your introduction, I would say yes definitely – you’re a bad friend - at least right now. Can you rethink your approach? I think you’re not a real friend if you can’t deal with a friend’s problems. That’s a fair weather friend, or an acquaintance. Nothing more. A real friend is a real friend. That’s all. 

This is great advice if you're talking to a self-centered person. But if you're talking to someone who already sacrifices too much of themselves to help others, it can be destructive. It's actually how some people get into relationships with narcissistic types/abusive types and then end up being unable to extricate themselves.

It's also terrible advice to give someone who may themselves be dealing with a condition like anxiety or depression because they may end up sacrificing their own mental health in the name of being a good friend.

All this just to say, it's best to be careful and make sure the person you're giving the advice doesn't fall into one of those categories of vulnerability first.

[Lorenza]

On 6/27/2020 at 9:58 PM, Artdeco said:

IKR? And it’s not even HARD, unless you’re completely selfish. Or super busy with 6 children, 2 dogs and your own business, and currently going through a divorce and selling all your real estate. 🤣🤣

anyway - my point is: real friendships are rare these days, people have no compassion anymore, and their attention span is just soooo short these days...... 
 

Also - rather than getting annoyed with a “friend” who genuinely needs me, I’d be more inclined (by nature I guess) to actually appreciate what I have, and be thankful for NOT having to go through the painful things that make somebody I care about suffer. 

Is 4 years a short attention spam? Endless chatts? And why are my problems less important than hers? My dad had heart issues and I had a major scare that something might happen to him, during the time she was dealing with her fresh breakup. I spent days crying. She asked me a couple of times, how my dad is doing, it seemed genuine, but now that she completely ghosted me for a month, I doubt she cares at all. It's all about her and her beloved guy, who she spilled dirt on for as long as I've known, but now suddenly adore and curses herself. 

On my birthday I spent the whole day talking about her self-hatred and how she deserves good things, and the next day she stops responding and its been a month now without even a "sorry i need to not talk right now" or something. No, I'm not a bad friend. She is the bad friend. Friends aren't punching bags. You need to mind your friends even if youre hurting, there are no excuses. 

Edited August 13, 2020 by Lorenza

[Wiseman2]

Rather than focus on her, reflect on why you choose toxic friends.

[Acacia98]

On 6/27/2020 at 5:25 AM, Lorenza said:

Because I don't feel I phisically can. Her breakup has exhausted me so much I haven't paid all that much attention to my own dating life lately. When I was out on dates, I would excuse myself to go text her. During my work I would contstantly text her, on my evening walks I would record messages for her along the way. I have skipped breakfasts because there would be an avalanche of messages first thing in the morning. At which point does it become too much and not worth going down with the sinking ship? 

This is all too much. Really. It suggests you identify too closely with her and have weak boundaries. If she is in such extreme crisis that she cannot wait for however long it would normally take for you to get back to her, then you should help her by referring her to a hotline or helping her get mental health support (if you can). If these things don't exist where you are, get her family and other friends involved. Maybe you can put your heads together and figure out how to best help her.

Truth is, when you're being a martyr and bending over backwards to help her, you may actually be doing her more harm than good. You're too close to her to view her objectively, so your advice might actually end up enabling her. And you may end up resenting her and giving her bad advice or hurting her because she needs so much more than you can give and you've already sacrificed so much in your own life to help her.

I think you were doing too much and it was not sustainable. But, rather than just blaming her for that, you should also take responsibility for it. You need to learn how to sympathize with your friends without essentially taking possession of their crises and catastrophes. 

[Lorenza]

15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Rather than focus on her, reflect on why you choose toxic friends.

I didnt consider her as toxic until her breakup, even with all the rants. We had so many adventures together, pictures, countless hours or chats about anything in the world. She was the only other person I knew who loved classical music, art etc. She helped with some stuff too. It's only now I'm realising she has a capability to be really toxic, by giving silent treatment for no reason. 

[Lorenza]

19 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

This is all too much. Really. It suggests you identify too closely with her and have weak boundaries. If she is in such extreme crisis that she cannot wait for however long it would normally take for you to get back to her, then you should help her by referring her to a hotline or helping her get mental health support (if you can). If these things don't exist where you are, get her family and other friends involved. Maybe you can put your heads together and figure out how to best help her.

Truth is, when you're being a martyr and bending over backwards to help her, you may actually be doing her more harm than good. You're too close to her to view her objectively, so your advice might actually end up enabling her. And you may end up resenting her and giving her bad advice or hurting her because she needs so much more than you can give and you've already sacrificed so much in your own life to help her.

I think you were doing too much and it was not sustainable. But, rather than just blaming her for that, you should also take responsibility for it. You need to learn how to sympathize with your friends without essentially taking possession of their crises and catastrophes. 

I am the type of person who wants to help solve things. I don't know how to just symphatize - it's either finding a sollution or not talking about it. I warned her that I might not be the friend who just listens and says "there there" if that what she needs, but she continued to go back to me with all her destructive thoughts so I would try to get her to plan what to do next - who to contact, where to write, which meds could help her deal with anxiety. I gave her concrete names and phone numbers, for example a hotline for mental illness I myself once used. And it would frustrate me a lot when instead of taking those action she would go and collapse and then continue to write to me how horrible her anxiety is. So yeah, maybe I am too masculine in that sense, as I cannot listen without trying to solve things. She has other friends and could turn to them in that case. But I think everyone is so fed up with that drama that all she got from everyone was tough love. 

[Wiseman2]

No offense but recommending medication is way over the top. 

 

[Lorenza]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

No offense but recommending medication is way over the top. 

 

No offense taken, because it's not over the top. She would need to consult a doctor before getting a prescription, and if the doctor thought it doesnt suit, she would get another. It's a generic anxiety medication which is taken when needed, so no danger there. Got myself recommended it years ago. 

[Wiseman2]

Next time try not to get this involved in trying to fix people.