No contact really does work

[Husbandssecret]

Hi everyone! I just wanted to write a little update today. I haven’t visited this forum for a while and it helped me through one of the lowest points in my life so I’m hoping to give back some. I have been a month no contact after telling my MM that I was done with our relationship. I would describe our relationship end as a thousand cuts and I finally got the last cut that bled me dry.

We had some scary things going on where we live with protests etc a little while back and he took his wife who we was “separated from and filing divorce papers in a few weeks” with to a place outside of the city with his kids to get out of the hot spots. Meanwhile all I got was a text that said to let him know I was safe. When I asked if he had brought his wife with he said “yes of course, the kids were scared and she is their mother”. It finally hit me. I never have to hear that excuse again. I said that very thing to him and told him we were done, and I haven’t looked back since. I’ve blocked all ways of contact. I told some of my close friends and my sister about the affair. I started fresh. No more living in lies, no more holding out for that one text from the person who said they loved me but was just a narcissist. 

So for those of you who are struggling with moving on, here are some things I found helpful. I started IC a few months ago which definitely helped me to see who my MM really was, which was a narcissist and an emotional abuser. I read lots of books, one of the most helpful ones was “why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft. I brought others in on my secret life, which held me accountable to maintain NC. I did things that he told me to wait for him to do-such as bought a new car and am getting a puppy in 2 weeks. I also started dating again. I met a man who is absolutely amazing to me. He’s been dependable in ways that seem so simple, which made me realize how much I couldn’t depend on MM. 

Honestly, I couldn’t be happier these days. Life really is falling into place and I finally feel at peace instead of the constant anxiety that dating an MM brings. I wish I would have ended things sooner. Some things I struggle with is trusting my judgement since I tend to fall for abusive men, as well as finding a way to forgive myself. I’ve been working on learning to trust my gut in IC which is helpful. I hope someone sees this and can find the strength to move on from being the OW  or OM. We deserve to have someone love us completely. We deserve partners who will be dependable. Time is precious, even 1 less day in an affair is 1 day you get back for yourself. 

[preraph]

Glad you finally broke away.  Now, you went right from that to this new guys, so there is likely some transference of emotions there.  So you just pace your emotions and let this man earn your respect and love if he can and remember you probably won't eve start seeing the real him for 2-3 months because he'll be on "impress the lady" mode.  So believe everything you see.  I advise if you want to get an early look at a man's relationship ethics, do it by peering into their everyday ethics because it's some indication if they have good ethics overall or not, and only good ethics will keep a person from doing someone wrong.  

 

So look at whether he goes to work on time and seems to have the attitude in work to do his best or if he's always looking for excuses not to work or ways to screw off at work.  Look at how he treats his neighbors and his friends.  Look how he talks about his exes.  Does he blame them for everything?  Because you know it takes two.  How does he treat animals?  Even some people who have pets don't treat them well.  These are all ways you can judge his character and gain more trust in him in your relationship and see through any lies or a front he puts on.  Good luck.

[BaileyB]

Wow, that’s a lot to happen in a short time - well done! Glad to hear that you are happy and well.

[Poppy47]

On 6/27/2020 at 1:36 AM, preraph said:

Glad you finally broke away.  Now, you went right from that to this new guys, so there is likely some transference of emotions there.  So you just pace your emotions and let this man earn your respect and love if he can and remember you probably won't eve start seeing the real him for 2-3 months because he'll be on "impress the lady" mode.  So believe everything you see.  I advise if you want to get an early look at a man's relationship ethics, do it by peering into their everyday ethics because it's some indication if they have good ethics overall or not, and only good ethics will keep a person from doing someone wrong.  

 

So look at whether he goes to work on time and seems to have the attitude in work to do his best or if he's always looking for excuses not to work or ways to screw off at work.  Look at how he treats his neighbors and his friends.  Look how he talks about his exes.  Does he blame them for everything?  Because you know it takes two.  How does he treat animals?  Even some people who have pets don't treat them well.  These are all ways you can judge his character and gain more trust in him in your relationship and see through any lies or a front he puts on.  Good luck.

Interesting criteria above but not always accurate.

Edited July 8, 2020 by Poppy47

[MeganM2020]

Im always afraid that the No Contact Rule will just make them forget about you.... like, guess I was better without her type thing... 😕 

[d0nnivain]

2 minutes ago, MeganM2020 said:

Im always afraid that the No Contact Rule will just make them forget about you.... like, guess I was better without her type thing... 😕 

NC isn't about them.  It's about you.  It's designed to help you forget about them.  

When you stay in touch after a BU, it's like picking a scab.  All you do is make yourself bleed over & over, never giving  yourself a chance to heal.  

Read the OPs post again.  She's doing better because she stopped picking that scab

[BaileyB]

57 minutes ago, MeganM2020 said:

Im always afraid that the No Contact Rule will just make them forget about you.... like, guess I was better without her type thing... 😕 

Yeah, a person decides to go no contact because they want to end it with another and move on. Forgetting about the other person is kind of the goal...