My gf is angry at me because I didnt liker her social media post

[Warmer]

On Strava (facebook for atheletes) Sometimes I forget to like her activties as her profile does not come up and is not searchable. I have not been on it recently and said I would tomorrow. That was yesterday so today I quickly browsed through it to kill some time but genuinely forgot to give her a like forher run yesterday. She got mad and I told her I just forgot and was going to later today. after I left sent me this...

 

1) You know I dont like it when you ignore my Strava
2) You know I dislike it when you give other people kudos/comments and ignore my Strava
3) I try to stay cool about it, try not to mention it and when I do when its been two days since my last activity, I give you a subtle hint, say its ok, and you say you will look next day
4) Next day you are giving kudos and studying pictures on Strava, yet again forget to look at mine
5) When I mention that, you give me obligatory kudos but still dont look at my pictures/comments, let alone comment on any.
6) You used to be all over my Strava, now you have no interest in it whatsoever. Whilst yr still active on Strava. Whilst you still give kudos and comment on others posts. 
7) I find it insulting. Strava used to be our thing, now I play 0% part on yours and you only ever give me kudos because I ask for it. Thats insulting from the guy I live with.
I dont like it.

Is this not just childish behaviour? i have liked all her activities. I could understand if she was upset about it but she gets angry and Ifeel like i am being told off for not acting the way she wants me to.

[Miss Spider]

She sounds super controlling. She needs to grow up. It’s social media ffs

[preraph]

My God, she is needy.  You do know you have no obligation to follow your mother on social media, right?

[Warmer]

15 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

She sounds super controlling. She needs to grow up. It’s social media ffs

Thats it yeah it feels controlling, I would not mind if she said it without the bossy tone 

6 minutes ago, preraph said:

My God, she is needy.  You do know you have no obligation to follow your mother on social media, right?

I used to think what is wrong with a needy partner it was cute but now I know why people are attracted to confidence as you don't get the drama. lol yeah it feels like being told off like a kid. she has a good way of making me feel like i've really done something wrong / bad character.

[rjc149]

Beware of dating social-media addicts. It's a major red flag for me if a girl is very active on social media, and essentially a deal-breaker for a serious relationship. I have no desire to play a role in a girl's self-imagined celebrity. 

[preraph]

Yes, when it gets to that point where you have required reading, she's a bit over the edge.  Just tell her to stop telling you what to do.  

[Rockdad]

Sounds like high school drama to me. Good luck putting up with that full time job jumping through hoops for.

[mark clemson]

While I agree with much/most of the above, part of this is that she's hurt. You're her BF and in her mind "should" be focused on her, or at least not reacting to other's stuff while neglecting hers.

One path would be to simply try harder to remember to ping/react to her stuff too and let this blow over. It should blow over.

IF this becomes some huge deal between you or she is/starts to get overly controlling in other areas as well, that is another matter. You don't want to be the frog in the boiling pot.

[Warmer]

1 hour ago, rjc149 said:

Beware of dating social-media addicts. It's a major red flag for me if a girl is very active on social media, and essentially a deal-breaker for a serious relationship. I have no desire to play a role in a girl's self-imagined celebrity. 

I do agree but the funny thing is she does not like social media, has no facebook or istagram it's more about just us as we met on strava.

51 minutes ago, preraph said:

Yes, when it gets to that point where you have required reading, she's a bit over the edge.  Just tell her to stop telling you what to do.  

If I

 

1 hour ago, rjc149 said:

Beware of dating social-media addicts. It's a major red flag for me if a girl is very active on social media, and essentially a deal-breaker for a serious relationship. I have no desire to play a role in a girl's self-imagined celebrity. 

 

53 minutes ago, preraph said:

Yes, when it gets to that point where you have required reading, she's a bit over the edge.  Just tell her to stop telling you what to do.  

 

7 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

While I agree with much/most of the above, part of this is that she's hurt. You're her BF and in her mind "should" be focused on her, or at least not reacting to other's stuff while neglecting hers.

One path would be to simply try harder to remember to ping/react to her stuff too and let this blow over. It should blow over.

IF this becomes some huge deal between you or she is/starts to get overly controlling in other areas as well, that is another matter. You don't want to be the frog in the boiling pot.

Thanks that is good advice, I will just try harder to and you are right about the frog as that happened in the past until I spoke my mind and stood up for myself then she changed but I feel like she is becoming bossy with me again. 

45 minutes ago, Rockdad said:

Sounds like high school drama to me. Good luck putting up with that full time job jumping through hoops for.

[elaine567]

2 hours ago, Warmer said:

You used to be all over my Strava, now you have no interest in it whatsoever. Whilst yr still active on Strava. Whilst you still give kudos and comment on others posts. 
I find it insulting. Strava used to be our thing, now I play 0% part on yours and you only ever give me kudos because I ask for it. Thats insulting from the guy I live with.
I dont like it

She is insecure and hurt as she has picked up that you are showing no interest in her any more.
I guess this is not only about Strava.
If you want her to leave then carry on, BUT if you see a future with her, then I suggest you stop taking her for granted.

[Ellener]

3 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

It’s social media ffs

^ this.

[Ellener]

Assert yourself @Warmer 

Make it clear your feelings for her in your own way you are comfortable with.

[regine_phalange]

OK maybe she is a bit dramatic, but it's kind of endearing too. I don't know. I like this kind of complaints. 

[homecoming]

3 hours ago, Warmer said:

On Strava (facebook for atheletes) Sometimes I forget to like her activties as her profile does not come up and is not searchable. I have not been on it recently and said I would tomorrow. That was yesterday so today I quickly browsed through it to kill some time but genuinely forgot to give her a like forher run yesterday. She got mad and I told her I just forgot and was going to later today. after I left sent me this...

 

1) You know I dont like it when you ignore my Strava
2) You know I dislike it when you give other people kudos/comments and ignore my Strava
3) I try to stay cool about it, try not to mention it and when I do when its been two days since my last activity, I give you a subtle hint, say its ok, and you say you will look next day
4) Next day you are giving kudos and studying pictures on Strava, yet again forget to look at mine
5) When I mention that, you give me obligatory kudos but still dont look at my pictures/comments, let alone comment on any.
6) You used to be all over my Strava, now you have no interest in it whatsoever. Whilst yr still active on Strava. Whilst you still give kudos and comment on others posts. 
7) I find it insulting. Strava used to be our thing, now I play 0% part on yours and you only ever give me kudos because I ask for it. Thats insulting from the guy I live with.
I dont like it.

Is this not just childish behaviour? i have liked all her activities. I could understand if she was upset about it but she gets angry and Ifeel like i am being told off for not acting the way she wants me to.

Hi - is this the only complaint she has with you in your relationship, or does she habitually complain about small insignificant issues?

[Atwood]

 

Before I continue, I think we should try to step out of our shoes a little and step into what younger generations are experiencing now. It might be "only social media" to you because perhaps it doesn't play a significant role in your life. Perhaps to you, the internet isn't real. However, social media and stuff that happens on the internet is actually real life. Everything you do on the internet is a real life action. All of us logging onto LoveShack and writing out these posts are not a bunch of nothings, otherwise why would we do it? Social media sometimes takes up HOURS of people's days. Social media is built entirely for the purpose of social interaction with others, it is not as much of a passive activity as we'd like to believe. Not saying it's a good thing, but what I am saying is that if we want to start being able to understand and guide new/younger generations, we have to accept that social media is not "just social media" to them. Social media is a big part of their lives and in some cases is pretty important in building their careers and lifestyles and relationships. So whilst I understand the urge to say it's not important, we should try to imagine how this would feel if social media was important to us. Social media might remain fake to you, but it can manifest extremely real issues. 

It's not about the social media on the surface sure, it's the fact that his behaviour has changed and she has sensed it, making her wonder if that means his feelings have changed. 

Let's look at the first statement.

4 hours ago, Warmer said:

1) You know I dont like it when you ignore my Strava

Don't you think what she could actually mean is, "why are you ignoring me?". 

 

4 hours ago, Warmer said:

2) You know I dislike it when you give other people kudos/comments and ignore my Strava

"Why are you paying attention to other people even though you've ignored me? Does this mean they are more important to you or that I am no longer worthy of your attention like I used to be?"

 

4 hours ago, Warmer said:

I try to stay cool about it, try not to mention it and when I do when its been two days since my last activity, I give you a subtle hint, say its ok, and you say you will look next day

"I'm upset about this and it hurts my feelings but I'm also aware my behaviour is not okay so I try to suppress it. You told me you would do something for me and then you don't i.e do you care about me if you can forget about me? I'm giving you subtle hints because your actions are hurting me and I don't know how to deal with it any other way"

 

4 hours ago, Warmer said:

You used to be all over my Strava, now you have no interest in it whatsoever. Whilst yr still active on Strava. Whilst you still give kudos and comment on others posts. 

"You used to show me attention/care in a specific way and now you've stopped doing it, I'm scared you don't care anymore and worse, you're giving that attention to others. If that action = you liked me, does that action mean you like others in that same way now you're bored with me?"

 

Take it from someone who has been through extensive therapy and overcome massive anxiety and insecurity. My brain used to do exactly these kinds of mental gymnastics to convince myself that my prophesising that I would eventually be hurt was coming true. I sometimes still do it when I'm in a bad place. The social media isn't the issue. This is a symptom of a bigger problem. Forget about the Strava, it's not about that. You need to sit her down and talk to her sensitively and calmly about how the Strava activity is making her feel. LISTEN to the anxieties and insecurities she has, reassure her that just because you're lax with the strava now doesn't transfer directly to how you feel about her and that interacting with others' content does not mean the same thing it means when you interact with hers. Lastly, you do need to set serious boundaries with her and let her know that she cannot and should not control your actions and that whilst you're always going to be able to provide her with reassurance, it is not right for her to monitor your activity and tell you what to do. Please consider it from her point of view, and also perhaps encourage her to seek therapy. These feelings are horrible and they breed jealousy, resentment, self-loathing and generally a feeling of "I am not good enough so I have to latch onto something I can control". 

 

I hope this makes sense. 

Edited June 26, 2020 by Atwood

[ShyViolet]

She does sound incredibly controlling and immature.  I'm seeing more and more posts like this lately, about people who treat social media as a replacement for real life and who make the biggest deal about ridiculous things, like what people "like" on there.  

I once had a friend who got mad at me for not always "liking" her facebook posts, and I didn't put up with that.  I don't appreciate people trying to police me or control what I do.  I'll "like" something if I feel like it or if I happen to come across it, not because someone is telling me that I have to.

[Ellener]

I dropped social media not long after it came out ( facebook it was back then ) I use this website ( a lot right now in lockdown ) and two others written by friends.

@Warmer hope it is all okay now.

[Ruby Slippers]

I agree she's being way too controlling. But I also agree that her basic complaint is you're liking and giving attention to other women on there but not her. Feeling taken for granted has a way of turning most women right off. 

[Libby1]

15 hours ago, Warmer said:

Is this not just childish behaviour? i have liked all her activities. I could understand if she was upset about it but she gets angry and Ifeel like i am being told off for not acting the way she wants me to.

Maybe you should give her a choice.  That a) you'll pay less attention to real life her and devote more attention to her Strava profile, or b) that you'll pay more attention to real life her, but that she will accept that you're not some fanboy to her social media profile - and you're not about to start acting like one on her orders.

Edited June 27, 2020 by Libby1

[rainbow12]

I agree with all the others, including @Atwoodpost. Social media do play a big role with a connection to real life because you envision what people are up to, you see their subtle behavior towards you, You can make CVs, get jobs on there, write about your feelings, connect with new people and possibly meet. She shouldn't really take offense to how you don't like or don't comment her pictures, but you do with others, I mean she should see it as it's a matter of how you treat her in real life with respect is all that counts not argue about something like a pointless picture of her authentic self how does that achieve a better relationship? Zilch! You see it and then you move on and at the end of it, you have bigger things to think of and that picture you just discovered before is forgotten about. What does she want you to do exactly frame it and have it by your bedside? Lol. She is indeed immature and self loathing, if she complains small things like that, what else could she complain about next time?  I mean, do you really want a relationship where you have to observe the small details of orders just to not upset her? 

[Mystery4u]

Whilst I agree she is a bit over the top, you are not faultless here.

I'm not a social media fan and my girlfriend is, but when I do look at TikTok/YouTube or something the first thing I do is look at her profile and like or comment on any new stuff she has posted. She is my priority and the first person on my mind so gets my attention before anyone else.

[schlumpy]

Atwood has point and I do try and keep that in mind when dealing with people (mostly young) that live on the internet. I would not admit that what is happening is real because it's such a thin slice of human existence but I would readily agree that it is real to the participants.

No sense is saying something like, "Get off the net and go play volleyball."

I understand her complaint though. This would be like walking into a room to share some important news with your SO, but they are deep in the middle of 90 Day Fiancee. So, they only halfway listen to how you traveled 100 kilometers from your Minecraft basecamp and have only one more bio-sphere to encounter before you will run the table. As you wait expectantly for accolades you get a, "That's nice Honey" and maybe a wave-off hand movement.

A bit let down, you resolve never to share anything that important with them again.

[Redhead14]

On 6/26/2020 at 12:44 PM, Warmer said:

. Thats insulting from the guy I live with.
 

Tell her your sorry she's insulted and you will fix that . . . and tell you're moving out.  She's a shrew and you will be miserable.  This is just the tip of the iceberg.  Find yourself an adult woman.  You don't need a girl who lives vicariously through some bullsh*t social media account to support her esteem issues.  Don't negotiate with or tolerate terrorists.

Edited June 30, 2020 by Redhead14

[rainbow12]

8 hours ago, Redhead14 said:

Tell her your sorry she's insulted and you will fix that . . . and tell you're moving out.  She's a shrew and you will be miserable.  This is just the tip of the iceberg.  Find yourself an adult woman.  You don't need a girl who lives vicariously through some bullsh*t social media account to support her esteem issues.  Don't negotiate with or tolerate terrorists.

Yeah, she's a shrew, I couldn't put it any better myself. 

[MissBee]

After doing significant couples therapy and self-work, one important thing I've learned is that 99% of arguments couples have that seem silly are in fact not about the surface thing but about deeper feelings such as: loss of connection, feeling taken for granted, not feeling as important to your partner anymore, feeling set aside, feeling dismissed or ignored etc. This helped A LOT with me being able to actually be more responsive to my partner and to have a better relationship as well as it helped me to understand okay why am I so upset over this "small" thing, then I realize ahhhhh, it's not really about this thing, this thing is just a trigger around a deeper issue and when I can share that my partner can be more responsive.

Yes, it may seem like overkill and on the surface like it's childish, but I can identify from all she's said, and even said a bit plainly, is that this was once "your thing" and she feels like it's no longer and she feels left out because you seem to comment on everyone else's and not hers. Try sitting with her and even saying you didn't realize it meant that much and if she could share more, you'd be surprised! You might end up hearing she is fearful of losing connection and then that way you guys can do something else special together. Trust me, that's most likely going to solve the issue for good, as most other solutions address the surface and not the person's deeper need.When the deeper need is addressed you'd be surprised to see how the person let go of that small issue and it no longer bothers them.