In Love with an Addict, Continued.

[Meesh]

This isn't about AA, NA, or Alanon. It doesn't have to be about religion either. I'm not a super religious person but I'm spiritual. My boyfriend is religious and he likes working with the steps and the program. I've seen many people from all walks of spirituality benefit from the programs. We go to church together too so for some of us maybe the 12-step program is more comfortable because it has spiritual undertone. I wish it was just as easy as just limit your usage but unfortunately addicts and alcoholics don't work that way. I can have one or two drinks or one cigarette or clove every once in awhile, or take a hit off a joint once every 6 months and could just as easily never touch it ever again. I hate cocaine, am afraid of taking pills and have a strong aversion to drugs myself. I wish he could be like that. I wish he could be like my friends who don't have a problem (with drinking) and can just stop. Some people have to quit cold turkey, not even one drink, one puff, etc. If you do it just snowballs and you find yourself still abusing your drug of choice.

 

I understand this. I used to be a smoker in my 20s, a daily habit that I kept with an ex. Eventually I would quit for a couple months, then stop buying them but still bum them from other people. Later I started buying them again but only smoke when I drank, which was at times more than twice a week. Then it was I only smoke when I'm upset or stressed too. Or with certain friends. I never really quit. I became a social smoker. Awhile ago I switched from cigarettes to cloves, and I smoked a lot less and I could hide it since there's no obvious smell that lingers like cigarettes. While I've been dating my boyfriend I've hid my smoking. It's been a cigarette a handful of times bummed from other people when I'm drinking or I've kept a pack of cloves and I'll have one once in awhile. When all this came out about his addiction and when he went back into 'recovery' recently I finally came clean about my smoking. He had smelled it on me a couple times and asked and I straight up lied and said that I was just around other people who were smoking, or I took a drag off a vape, or that I just had a clove. I told him I can't expect him to be honest with me if I'm not honest with him and vice versa. So he's been following with the transparency that will be the only way we can make this work.

 

I have good and bad days with this. He's been very active within his program and has been clean for three weeks. I know that's not long to people who aren't addicts, me included. But he revealed to me he was struggling at one point at the worst of it to be sober for a couple HOURS. So this is a big deal. It hurts me to not know how badly he was hurting.... and lying.... and pushing me away. And to see him in his clear headed state, it's like I'm getting to know someone new in many ways. I mentioned him going to the doctor and having a check up, and he initially brushed it off but saw my concern and he said he would do it for me. I have asked him why he would choose to take this path instead of stay on the other, and he recognizes that he's a happier more sound person like this. He's able to make and KEEP healthy relationships, maintain his acts of service, be involved in the community, not isolate, etc. He said he hates himself when he's using. And that he's keeping himself from having the life he wants. So... it's not me that's making him want to quit. He said I'm a motivation. I know I'm not his only motivation though. He mentioned this week that maybe he can bring me to a meeting so I can have an idea what it's like since I have no idea. I'm going to my Alanon meeting tomorrow. He's made a new friend in the program and they go do something active together and then go to a meeting. He said that's something he hasn't done in a very long time, is make friends and be held accountable.

 

I told him my concern about this happening again, I don't want to slip right back into the comfort zone and have the rug pulled out from under me again. He said I will know now if he's having a bad day, or thinking about it, etc. He couldn't share that with me before. Said he needs to put the recovery and the program first and everything else will fall into place, he doesn't want there to be any risk involved for me to be happy. I don't doubt at all that he loves me but I just doubt that he's capable of the big stuff. At least right now.

[Mr. Lucky]

No I'm not. I have friends who were hardcore into heroin when they were younger who kicked the habit without the help of NA. They still continue to smoke weed and do a variety of other drugs recreationally and they are incredibly successful people. One just sold a multi-million dollar company that they helped build from the ground.

 

Assuming that's true, those folks are outliers. If one is "hardcore into heroin when they were younger", they have a much greater chance of being corpses than CEO's. Add fentanyl into the mix and the already grim picture gets worse.

 

You're blithely ignoring the millions of lives - addicts and their loved ones - decimated by drugs and disparaging a program that's been the only lifeline for many of them. Does it work for everyone? No, nothing does. But it gives many addicts a structure around which recovery can occur.

 

While it's a theory to you, for many it's daily life-or-death...

 

Mr. Lucky

[crispytoast]

Assuming that's true, those folks are outliers. If one is "hardcore into heroin when they were younger", they have a much greater chance of being corpses than CEO's. Add fentanyl into the mix and the already grim picture gets worse.

 

You're blithely ignoring the millions of lives - addicts and their loved ones - decimated by drugs and disparaging a program that's been the only lifeline for many of them. Does it work for everyone? No, nothing does. But it gives many addicts a structure around which recovery can occur.

 

While it's a theory to you, for many it's daily life-or-death...

 

Mr. Lucky

I've lost friends to that stuff too. Some of them went to NA and still died. I'm not ignoring the people that it helps. Like I said, if it works for someone then that's their perogative. But I'm not going to ignore the other side of it either. My point of all of that is that there are better treatments than AA/NA that have a better success rate but we still stigmatize both the treatments and the people struggling with addiction who would benefit from them. And I do believe that NA and society's idea that it's the only way to a productive lifestyle after drug addiction continue to perpetuate the stigma and get in the way of progress.

[Maddie82]

Keeping things from you is not protecting you at all. It's a relationship destroyer. Personally i don't think he will give it up and i don't feel he is very trustworthy. He has been dishonest many times, convincing you that he is getting better when he was just getting high at any given opportunity. He isn't going to get better over night and i don't think anything is going to change. He even said that there were times he wanted to bail on your relationship just so he could go and get high. Show's that drugs are a higher priority than you. You're right that this is not a time for you two to be involved.

[anika99]

No I'm not. I have friends who were hardcore into heroin when they were younger who kicked the habit without the help of NA. They still continue to smoke weed and do a variety of other drugs recreationally and they are incredibly successful people. One just sold a multi-million dollar company that they helped build from the ground.

 

Cult - a system of religious veneration and devotion directed toward a particular figure or object.

 

Nope it's definitely a cult. And it's built on an antiquated view of drug use and recovery. If it works for people and that's what makes them happy though, then I guess more power to them. I just would personally not recommend it to anyone and really do not think it is close to the best way to solve the problem of addiction.

 

By the way, Bill Wilson, the founder of Alc-Anon, used LSD, found it useful to his own recovery, and believed it could be used to treat addiction but it did not sit well with other members of AA so it was never implemented.

 

Regardless of what you think or believe, quitting one drug while still using other drugs is clearly not working for the OPs boyfriend. He's been battling his cocaine addiction for a decade.

 

OP I wish you luck.

[major_merrick]

The problem with addictions isn't just the substance. It is the person. And if you can be addicted to alcohol or cocaine, you'll likely become addicted to whatever new thing you pick up. Cigarette smokers sometimes transfer their addiction to chewing on pens and pencils. Alcoholics sometimes go to chocolate or candy instead.

 

Being an addict is often the next step from being a casual "user." It is when your internal control mechanism fails. It is the difference between just one donut and eating the whole box. The problem with drugs like cocaine is that it is harder to stop at "just one" and pretty soon your internal control mechanism fails....much more quickly and with worse consequences than with alcohol or donuts.

 

The problem for me when facing substance cravings is that for something like cocaine I have no substitute, although sex is a great distraction. When I stopped smoking I could chew gum or bite my fingernails. When I reduced and then eliminated alcohol I could eat or drink something healthier. Cocaine you just simply have to fight with on a daily basis until you get enough "real life" under your belt again that you can succeed for good.

[Meesh]

It’s been going well right now. Almost a month. I had no idea how much he was struggling. To see him put effort into bettering himself is great. I know it’s not long. I was telling myself to reevaluate at the 90 days and right now just observe and continue to take care of myself and my well being. I can really see a HUGE change in his priorities. One is his prioritizing our relationship. Another is prioritizing his friendships and making new friendships within his program. Another is commitment to punctuality which he feels is a weakness. Another is committing to service and doing good deeds for others. Another is money. I had no idea how much money he was spending on drugs. Now, he’s shifted to saving mode and is discussing the money ‘we’ will save now that he’s making some adjustments to income, etc. We not I. He’s made it clear he sees us as a team and he wants me in his forever. That’s nice and all, he made up his mind he wants to pursue this beyond just dating but after what has happened I’m still extremely cautious. I know that this could come up again, if not in a couple months, in a couple years, or a decade from now. Still taking it one day at a time but I can see a lot of progress so far. He told me a week ago he no longer experienced any thoughts of using or had any cravings.

 

The next couple weekends we have social events and alcohol will be involved. I’m aware of his sensitivity. I haven’t touched a drop in front of him for a month. Again, his problem was never alcohol, it’s like the eating the whole box of donuts Merrick talks about. At the end of his most recent relapse he was drinking cocktails. That was the night the ##% hit the fan. He declined an invitation from a friend who drinks to go out last night to watch the game because he told me he didn’t feel comfortable being in a bar right now. As far as my part in the social events coming up normally I would drink much more, but with him I’ve found I’m good with limiting to 2 drinks max, which is my point where I start to get a good buzz. I don’t want to get drunk in front of him and he doesn’t want to kiss me with alcohol on my breath either. I think it will be ok. When we first started dating and before I learned he was an addict I was a frequent social drinker and kept wine in the house at all times. If he invited me for dinner I would bring a bottle and drink a glass or two by myself. As a couple months went on he revealed he wasn’t comfortable with the amount I drank and that’s when he told me his secret. So I cut way back, not just around him but overall. It was better for me anyway and I rarely drink now compared to before. I guess it’s the company you keep. I’m with him a lot so that means I’m not going out to bars or going to happy hour or drinking with girlfriends. I’m not single anymore out wanting to meet someone, so I just go out less. Since he can’t drink and doesn’t like to anyway I have less opportunity or reason to. I feel better and look better without alcohol anyway. My tolerance is low and that’s good.

 

Hanging in there.

[Normm]

Your last post explains to some degree why you are tolerant of his behavior, you may very well be an addict yourself, albeit limited to alcohol.

[Meesh]

No, I’m not an addict or alcoholic. I can easily just have one or not at all.

[Beendaredonedat]

Ask them at your next Al-anon meeting if codependency is a form of addiction. I would love to here the response(s) you get, Meesh.

[Meesh]

Ask them at your next Al-anon meeting if codependency is a form of addiction. I would love to here the response(s) you get, Meesh.

 

I would think so. A friend of mine suggested I was a codependent simply because I was involved with an addict. I don’t see the connection. Just because I choose to be in a relationship with someone after I found out they were an addict or alcoholic doesn’t mean I’m codependent. Correct me if I’m wrong, since I’m new to Alanon... isn’t the goal of the program to detach from/avoid codependency? Just because I go doesn’t mean I suffer from addiction too.

[BaileyB]

Codependency and alcoholism often go hand in hand.

 

It’s not really possible for him to exist in the relationship as an alcoholic unless you are willing to tolerate/enable his behavior. In that way, you tend to be very codependent on each other.

 

In what way do you believe that it is possible to be in a relationship with an alcoholic and not be codependent? Because, research would suggest otherwise...

[Mr. Lucky]

Correct me if I’m wrong, since I’m new to Alanon... isn’t the goal of the program to detach from/avoid codependency?.

 

The goal of the program is to get to the point where you’re making healthy choices - for you.

 

Codependency is just one of the downfalls dealing with an addict. We also enable, isolate ourselves, subvert our own lives, create anxiety and mistreat/ignore other family members and friends.

 

Sounds like you’ve considered how your own alcohol use ties into this and made some considered decisions. Well done . You’ll need to continue to look at other facets of the relationship the same way...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Meesh]

Mr. Lucky, I see what you mean about Al-Anon. At first I thought it was a codependency 12 step program. I don’t feel I have codependent behaviors but I guess I can see how it’s a tendency dealing with an addict. I’ve seen people who are very unhealthy enablers in my own family with my brother. Just because I choose to stay with an addict doesn’t mean I am codependent or have an addiction of my own. I’m taking good care of my health and feel really good.

 

I’m kind of taken aback about pointing fingers at my alcohol usage though. I don’t have a problem. In the past I may have leaned on it as a crutch or used as a social lubricant, but I could easily never touch alcohol again. Being with him has shed light on my drinking because he doesn’t/can’t drink, so it magnifies my usage I guess and makes it seem like a ‘problem’ compared to someone who is stone cold sober. When we first started dating I drank socially very often and being single I was out a lot more. Since he brought up that he was a recovering addict about 4 months into dating, I cut way back and rarely drank around him. He noticed and appreciated it. At the worst of his relapse lately, he was drinking and it shocked me because that’s not his drug of choice. In hindsight it just showed me he was in the pit.

 

We had two incidents this past weekend where alcohol came up. I went out with a friend Friday night and had a couple glasses of wine over a couple hours. Not heavy drinking. He knew I was going to a wine bar and dinner and wanted to see me when I was free. In hindsight that was a mistake. Normally I would have just gone home and gone to bed, or I thought about telling him I had a couple drinks so maybe I shouldn’t, but he wanted to see me, so I went. He didn’t mention until the next morning but that it was very noticeable to him (the smell) and that it was too much of a trigger to him, he didn’t feel comfortable, it was too soon. Said he shouldn’t have asked me to come over. He wasn’t upset, he was being kind when saying it. I told him that I understand, I thought about telling him I couldn’t come because I had been drinking. I asked him in the future what he would like me to do if that happens again, and he said to tell him and not see him, at least for now. The next day was a wedding. It’s not a party group, lots of kids, etc. so I knew alcohol wasn’t really going to be very important or prevalent. I asked him how he felt about these social events. He said he doesn’t have a problem going, but asked that at least for now since it’s still so early that he prefers that I don’t drink around him. I said no problem. And had no problem at this wedding not drinking. I felt good and saved calories anyway. He told me later that he really appreciated that I was so accommodating and that it meant a lot to him. I told him it was easy, I’m not doing this as a favor to him, it’s not like I’m sacrificing my happiness and who I am. Honestly, I just didn’t really feel like drinking anyway (at this wedding). Next weekend will be a different story. I’m in a wedding with a large group of my party friends. That’s going to be a challenge because I will be pressured to drink. But I absolutely respect his recovery and I’m a good partner so if he prefers that I don’t drink around him right now, I won’t. I’m the one taking him to the wedding as my plus one… if I wanted to drink that badly I would tell him he shouldn’t come. But if I did that, I wouldn’t be a good partner, would I?

 

Tomorrow is his 30 days. We go to church together regularly (again now that he’s sober) and for me those are some of my happiest times with him. He met a friend through the program who also goes to the same church. Yesterday he introduced us and his friend said, “I’ve heard so many wonderful things about you.” He asked me to come with him tomorrow to his 30-day meeting where he will get the token. I will meet his sponsor too. I’ve never been through this before, I asked him what am I supposed to do? I’m very happy that he asked me and is including me in this. I want to be a good partner and supportive to him. It’s important for me at times to still recognize it’s early, not feel responsible for his recovery but just to be a person of support and encouragement and have compassion and forgive him. He told me the other day that since he never had a court order or anyone giving him an ultimatum it makes it easier to go through the program and he wants to be that better version of himself, for him and for me/us. He said I’m a major motivation for him. I would guess that’s why he wants to include me in the meeting. Any input as to what I can expect tomorrow? Feeling a little nervous.

[Mr. Lucky]

He didn’t mention until the next morning but that it was very noticeable to him (the smell) and that it was too much of a trigger to him, he didn’t feel comfortable, it was too soon. Said he shouldn’t have asked me to come over.

 

I asked him how he felt about these social events. He said he doesn’t have a problem going, but asked that at least for now since it’s still so early that he prefers that I don’t drink around him.

 

Hopefully Meesh, you see this for the "addict speak" it is. Your actions don't underpin his sobriety, the third of the 3 C's - "You can't cure". He's responsible for his own choices.

 

Another way to put it - if his recovery is threatened by your consumption of a glass of wine, how committed can he be ?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Meesh]

Yes I see what you mean. I can’t control it, but I’m hearing it as it is. Just that he’s respectfully requesting that I not drink around him right now because he feels it’s too early. Not that I’m responsible for his choices, but I just see it at face value. He’s trying to avoid triggering situations and he can identify them. He turned down a meet with a friend to watch the game because they friend wanted to meet at a bar at night. He felt he didn’t want to put himself in that situation and I understand. He knows that I drink or will have a drink or two in social settings in life. I know I’m not responsible but I can honor his request in support for the time being. That’s the way I’m seeing it right now.

Edited August 5, 2019 by Meesh

[Mr. Lucky]

Y Just that he’s respectfully requesting that I not drink around him right now because he feels it’s too early.

 

What about the other 100 people at the wedding?

 

Just be careful Meesh, this stuff is subtle but significant. I stress it because his best hope for recovery is breaking these thought patterns, otherwise a lousy day, stressful encounter or disappointing resolution becomes his "reason".

 

Again, make healthy choices for yourself and hold him responsible for doing the same. At a wedding, this includes giving yourself permission to have a glass of wine...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Normm]

I’m kind of taken aback about pointing fingers at my alcohol usage though. I don’t have a problem.

 

There are some troubling things about your drinking which prompted me, and perhaps others to suggest that in fact you may have a problem. Remember, many or most alcoholics don't think they have a problem either, and many or most of them think they could stop drinking forever if they wanted to- but it just never turns out to be convenient or whatever.

 

You say something rather troubling in this very post of yours that I'm quoting now.

 

I could easily never touch alcohol again.

 

Do you realize that you contradict yourself a few sentences later?

 

Next weekend will be a different story. I’m in a wedding with a large group of my party friends. That’s going to be a challenge because I will be pressured to drink.

 

On one had you could "give up drinking easily" and on the other hand not drinking is a challenge because "you will be pressured to drink". Why is it so difficult to say "I'm taking a break from drinking" or "I just don't feel like clouding my head with alcohol" or "I'm trying to lose weight" or "No thanks" if someone offers you a drink.

 

 

The blatant hypocrasy is a concern.

[Meesh]

I didn’t have a problem not drinking at the wedding I just went to, I just didn’t drink. This upcoming event is with a crowd I have typically drank with and they are my college friends. I was just saying that it would be more likely I would drink with them in normal circumstances and would normally do so at this event. I don’t have to. I don’t have a problem saying no thanks. I’m a person who has two drinks at a time once a week these days if at all. I’m not an alcoholic. I like to socially drink sometimes but can stop at one or two or totally refrain..

[Meesh]

Wanted to write about the events of this past weekend. Once again I don’t have a problem with drinking but my habits were challenged at the wedding. I was concerned it was going to be a problem for my bf being newly in recovery. We were able to talk privately about it before the fact. I asked him if being at a wedding and around the drinking bothered him. He said it was his responsibility and would have to live life anyway, and these things will come up, so he was going to deal with it. I asked him if he minded if I drank (being that this was one of my best friends and with many people I am very close to, more of a party atmosphere anyway.) He said he didn’t mind if I did but asked that I didn’t get drunk, which for me as I know means more than 2 or 3 drinks. He said he wanted me to have a good time. And I did. We did! Funny thing is… many of my friends I have spent the last decade with who were there were and are heavy drinkers. Some smokers too, now the potheads have graduated to the legal vape pens. So I watched them get progressively sloppy and drunk as the night went on. Being more sober this time around my drinking buddies allowed me to see the slippery slope you can go down. Again, my drinking has never been an addiction but I can definitely see how it’s been just more of a bad habit. Actually being with an addict has shown me it’s wise to curb my own drinking, not that I can’t stop but just that it’s amazing how much clearer headed I feel and felt during and after. No hangover. When everyone was drunk and dancing and the crowd thinned out, we were leaving. Didn’t miss a single thing, just drunk people. And the next morning we woke up early and I felt like a million bucks. Just a lifestyle change is really great. And that's my choice. If I want to drink I'll drink. But lately if I have more than 2 anyway I can't sleep and have a horrible hangover so it's losing its appeal.

 

We really love each other and I think it took him relapsing for our love to grow, actually. I didn’t know he was using for months and I’ve beat myself up for not seeing it. He was keeping me at arm’s length that’s why. Now we're together almost every day so there's no room for secrets. When I met him he was sober but I learned recently that he wasn’t approaching it in the right way. He didn’t celebrate his 60 or 90 days that last time. He had just met me and wanted to spend time with me, and wasn’t ready to reveal everything, he didn't know how he could explain his absence or having to be at a meeting all the time, etc. I can see now he wasn’t even in the right state of mind to be fully in the relationship and take things to the next step and have greater intimacy until he’s been sober and is able to be present and clear headed and intentional. The change is astounding in the last 40 days.

 

He asked me to come last week to support at his 30-day meeting. He said it was REALLY important to him that his sponsor meet me. It was so good to see him in that setting. I had no idea.

 

We were inseparable most of the weekend, actually almost always now and so he asked if I would like to go along to a meeting yesterday too. I have to say, it’s very moving and powerful. I had no idea his struggles. He’s doing really well and apparently I have been a major motivating factor. I never gave an ultimatum or said he had to quit. It’s been his choice to change and I think that’s key. My dad was court ordered to rehab when I was a young teenager. He didn’t want to be there, so he never quit. He stopped using illegal drugs, as many addicts do. They get addicted to other legal things. I get emotional thinking of how damaging the using is, and how bad it got for my boyfriend. The cocaine scares the hell out of me. To think I had no idea. And one day I might have not been able to get a hold of him because he overdosed, or something else terrible.

 

I’m looking forward to my Alanon tomorrow. I didn’t go last week. We have also signed up for a couples group at our church, his idea. I think it will benefit our communication and relationship. I have and am learning a lot about myself in this process.

[Mr. Lucky]

I have and am learning a lot about myself in this process.

 

No matter what happens, can't minimize the value of that.

 

Meesh, it's good to see you become a stronger advocate for your role in the relationship. Enjoy life, but keep your eyes open. Given your re-established bond, he'd have even more incentive to cover future missteps. Keep him honest and accountable...

 

Mr. Lucky

[JoeyArnold]

On 8/13/2019 at 8:37 AM, Meesh said:

I think it will benefit our communication and relationship. I have and am learning a lot about myself in this process.

 

Good.

[Meesh]

Hello,

Starting a new thread since the website change as I had last posted in December 2019 and had to make a new topic to continue the discussion. I'm in a relationship (now living together as of a couple months ago), and he is just about a year into his recovery coming up in July. Last 4th of July was not spent together and to be honest, I doubted we'd still be together. It's been an extremely challenging process and I've gone through significant personal growth as a result of it, so that's a major positive. I feel our relationship has taken off and we are an amazing team that motivates and encourages each other. So there have been many positive things that have come by sticking it out and I'm glad I did. There was a time that I was considering ending the relationship (about a year ago), before he decided to stop. We were a new couple and had been dating less than a year, so when all this came to light, I could've left then but decided to stay. There were a lot of ugly things going on by his doing, mainly the lying that comes along with the addiction. It still hurts but I remind myself it wasn't the way it is now, not even close.  

I struggle with a couple things and wanted to share my experiences with those who may chime in, whether that be as an addict or someone involved with the addict. 

I've been going to a friends and family support group regularly (his suggestion, it's been a godsend and he has come with me a couple times), and have recently been attending more support groups, therapy, etc. I am discovering my own issues in this process. I had mentioned my alcohol usage and abstaining in his presence per his request. The holidays were challenging because of course that is a time when alcohol is flowing and there are many social events. My thing is I really just like to have a glass of wine or maybe champagne on a special occasion, and I struggle with the idea of him not being ok with me drinking, even in that controlled way. Is that permanent? I wonder. It's hard for me at time because although I've completely abstained from drinking in front of him for almost a year, I have had an occasional (rare) drink with a friend or if I'm not around him. I don't miss it much to be honest. I just wonder if it's permanent, I'm thinking of another wedding coming up with my party buddies (who I no longer socialize with, and really, for the better), and well.. I think about our own wedding in the future. It's like I've had to stop drinking completely because of his issue. We've been talking more and more concretely about marriage. After almost losing me, I think it caused him to straighten out last year and he's motivated to keep on the right path and be a good partner. He's done an amazing job. I just want to be sure I'm not being complicit and enabling. I can absolutely see the benefit of me supporting his recovery by not drinking around him and adjusting my lifestyle (which I have). My lifestyle has DRAMATICALLY changed from a year ago, and even since I moved in with him, in a good way, so I know it was in my best interest.

Another thought is that I want to honor and acknowledge his year mark and will be attending or Zoom meeting with him on the date. I have a small gift and will write a special card. It's a shame that it has to be remote although he does attend a meeting occasionally that meets in person. In fact, I'm going on my own tomorrow to my own meeting and will invite him. The great thing is that we have gone together to some meetings and I really appreciate the fact that he encourages me to get support because BOY do I need it. I didn't even know how much I did. 

I also struggle with the idea that the other shoe may drop at any time. I don't feel the need to police him or get on his case, but I do find myself worrying too much sometimes. Once I smelled pot smoke in our complex and a thought crossed my mind that it was him and I panicked (it wasn't). Sometimes I get insecure if he's away from me and I have a flashback of the times he lied before, and I panic. I don't always act on these thoughts, I just have them and they pass, with some work. The trust was damaged and there have been times I question whether it WAS worth it to give him another chance. He's understanding and compassionate of that. Since this all happened he has taken the initiative to prove to me that he is serious about our relationship and intends for things to be the team effort and we have made leaps and bounds since. I would say that as bad as it had to get, it had to happen in order for us to get to this point.

Some things I've learned about myself in this process. I have abused alcohol at times in my life and my lifestyle was not conducive to health and healing. I spent hundreds of dollars a month on going out to bars and restaurants, I think often out of loneliness and wanting to belong. I can't say if I've had a "problem", but I've definitely participated in heavy drinking and a lifestyle that revolved around drinking activities. I don't miss it!!! I've had to let go of a handful of friendships that didn't make it or we had nothing in common other than being party buddies. Instead, I'm in the process of developing new friendships that are more quality people who really care about me and are there for me. I find it sad that many of the friends I did spend years with have gone by the wayside. Not all, but some. I did go through a time period over the past year that I was a little resentful of him for what I felt was taking me away from my own activities, but I realized that he wasn't doing that, I took ownership and realized it was my choice. I know that I couldn't continue hanging out with those friends and pursue the relationship with him, BECAUSE the basis for our friendship and almost all the activities we had in common were hanging out at bars or partying. When he met me I kept wine at home at all times and I drank around him, sometimes more than 2 drinks at at time. I didn't realize it then but he wasn't too keen on that and found my lifestyle unattractive at times. He didn't like a couple of the girlfriends I kept around me, he told me later that he thought I WAY outclassed them and he didn't like that what we had in common was splitting a bottle of wine (or two). Until I found out he was an addict, I was drinking in front of him like I always did, oblivious. He told me a couple months into dating, and there was a time that he said he wasn't sure it was the right fit...I think he was maybe attempting to avoid the triggers, or being involved (again) with a woman who had an 'issue' with substance. His last serious girlfriend developed an alcohol and pill problem and they split up. I asked him once if he felt he should be with someone in the program and he said no. I've had to make a lot of tough choices, though including abstaining, making some lifestyle changes, and making new friends. 

Since I've had to come to terms with facing reality and introspecting, I've realized I need to take responsibility for my own life and actions and I've played the victim for a long time. Perhaps the root of codependency... assigning responsibility outside ourselves, giving someone else more power and importance than we give ourselves. I had some hard, painful feelings arise in the past year that had nothing to do with my relationship... but memories of my childhood that I've repressed or suppressed. My own father is an addict, which would probably explain why I would lean towards a man who has the same tendencies. I don't believe my dad has been sober in my lifetime, not for significant periods of time. It used to be illegal drugs, now it's legal drugs. No different in my mind, either way it's a slow death. I've experienced things that I should not have at a young age. I wasn't sheltered or protected by him, and I realize I've been seeking to have a relationship with him that I'm never ever going to have or get back, and I'm finally choosing to let that go forever. It's so painful. The last straw began around Christmastime, and I was done for good about a month ago when he canceled last minute again. I haven't seen him for months and although I acknowledged him on Father's Day by leaving a gift and card on his doorstep, he didn't engage much or even thank me. It's declined so greatly over the past couple years, and over the course of my entire lifetime. He's getting old and is not healthy. I wish I could have a relationship with him that I wanted all these years but I surrender and let it go. I think coming to this realization was key.

As a result, also, I've come back to my faith, working on it anyway, made some new friends as a couple, lost 10 lbs., am super into health and fitness, feel like a million bucks, paid off all of my debt (only possible by substituting saving $ instead of spending it going out), and instead of going to bars on the weekend like I used to and or hanging out and day drinking as a social event, I wake up without the awful hangovers and go for a hike instead or simply find the joys in small things like cooking a great meal together. My life is definitely not so exciting and full of ups and downs anymore, I've settled in but still a work in progress. I need to continue to work on my part and find areas where I can be a better partner. I have to say though, it's hard but very necessary to 'remove' my emotions and trying to make a relationship happen with certain people who just aren't capable, namely my dad. I've had to do the same with others in my life who I'm realizing were no longer serving me or were bringing me down, and gravitating towards those who are healthy.