22 years married, where is the passion?

[gilbert]

First, I can not believe that I have finally decided to ask my own question here. I need advice and don't really have anyone I can ask. I don't trust anyone enough to tell the truth of how I am feeling.

 

I have been married 22 years. We have 3 children. First born is married and expecting their first child. The other two are 17 and 15. I quit my job two years ago to have more time with my children (and husband) while they are at home. My first taught me that time is precious with your kids. So I am available when they need me.

 

Four years ago I broke up a 4 month "friendship" my husband starting having with another woman. Nothing really ever developed between them because I found out about their phone conversations before anything had time to happen. He tired to blame me, said I wasn't giving him enough time, wasn't showing him enough attention. Surprized the "h" out of me. Life was going as always. We were intimate and that kept us close, I thought. Anyway, he broke it off with her and hasn't spoke to her since.

 

Now after quiting my job, I have to much time. I am at home all day with no one to talk to. He comes home and talks about work and I sit and listen. You would think that after being alone all day, I would have plenty to say but I guess I am tired of talking. I look at him and think there has to be more.

 

I love him because we have been together so long. But I don't feel in-love anymore. I feel he ruined what we had. Even though he says he didn't have sex with this woman, and I kinda believe him, I feel cheated and betrayed. I am also very angry that after so many years of marriage that I would have to start over. I don't feel I can.

 

The first two years we were together, we made love every single day. Sex was very important to us both. Now we may make love about 2 times a month. I am at my wits ends with this. We just started having sex again after a 3 months of him going to bed early and not having much to say. So I am starting to wonder if he now has another "friend" and doesn't want me to suspect anything.

 

I read an article about why women leave men and it said in most cases it is from neglect. I showed him the article. Things were better for about two weeks. That was about 9 months ago. Now I am at the point that I don't know what to say. He wants to act like everything is fine. How can I express my feelings without attacking him? How can I make him see just how un-happy I am with the marriage? I have caught myself looking at other men. I don't want to be unfaithful to him or me. I just can't believe at 45 that my like could feel so hopeless. I want and need passion. And what if he can't give that to me? What to do?

[Lil Honey]

I think that article is exactly right that most women leave due to feeling neglected.

 

BUT at 45, you have a LOT of power in your grasp. All you have to do is reach for it, in one direction or the other.

 

Direction 1: With your kids being teenagers, they are in school all day and probably with friends a good share of the other time. You have the choice of volunteering, getting a part-time job, going to school or starting a hobby. Any of those will make you feel a sense of accomplishment and give you something to talk about. I think that having a standing appointment with a counselor is a good idea, too. You need to iron out the anger and hurt that you feel about your husband's "friendship." You could start with individual counseling and later arrange for it to be marriage counseling.

 

Direction 2: Sit down and decide if this were to continue, would you want to live like this for your remaining 40 years? Would you be happy or just taking up space and using oxygen? Ages ago, before I ever even thought of being married, I read an Ann Landers column in which someone asked if they should get a divorce. Ann Landers' response stuck with me all those years and it ended up helping me find which direction I would take. Ann Landers said to ask yourself if you would be better off/happier with him or without him.

 

How can I express my feelings without attacking him? How can I make him see just how un-happy I am with the marriage?

Sit him down when it's a good time (no distractions, not when he just gets home, not when either of you is rushed) and TELL him as calmly as you can how you feel. Rehearse if you have to. Try not to sound like you are accusing him because he will only get defensive and that will start an argument (or someone to shut down and not say anything). Start sentences with, "I feel . . . when . . . " rather than, "You always . . ."

[gilbert]

Thank you for being so sensitive to my problem. After 24 hours, with no responses, I was feeling very pathetic for posting my problem. Last night while I was lying in bed, trying to go to sleep, I was thinking that maybe some marriages have no passion. Maybe I am creating drama where there is none. Maybe most people just accept things this way and maybe I'm watching to much tv. I just don't know how someone can go on living this way-it's making me feel very old and tired.

 

The other thing I have noticed, when I turned 40, I also hit my sexual peak. Now, I think about sex alot. My husband, on the other hand, seemed to want sex all the time when we were in our 20's. Now he doesn't want it so much. I am still a very attractive women (I think so). I dress sexy, I put on makeup every day. I try to turn him on but to no avail. He has even stopped telling me that I'm pretty.

 

The kicker was, night before last, I asked him if he wanted something (BJ) and he asked for a rain check. OH MY GOD, "sorry I don't give rain checks for that".

 

Truth is, I will stay with him because it's all I know to do. After being with him for 23 years, I know I couldn't live without him. I just want to put a bomb under him.

[whichwayisup]

You have to TELL him, Hey I'm extremely horny right now and I wanna f*** your brains out. All you have to do is lay there, I'll do all the work...I'm heading upstairs now, I got the lube and I'm starting without you...I'm sure he will be bounding up the stairs to help ya out.

 

Seriously, I know what you're feeling about the sex stuff. I have a higher sexdrive than my hubby, he has times when he just isn't in the mood. I know when I can push it and when I can't...Right now is one of those times I can't and I tell ya, I'm inches away again from going out and buying a vibe for myself! He has no problems with me doing so, but I would rather have him inside me than something else. Either way, I don't give up, I dont' take it personally...Just at times, I purposely "get him going" even if he isn't in the mood, so he can't say no...

 

Don't give up and don't take it personally! Just tell him he can have the best sex ever!

 

Oh, my husband also isn't one to tell me how hot I look. He just isn't a sexual person in the sense, sex isn't on his mind alot, so I never get that " I want to screw you right now" look from him...It's just who he is and I accept that, though I miss being desired. That longing look across the room and just knowing what is about to take place ... Ah well. I love him to death and wouldn't trade him in for the world!

 

Your hubby needs a kick in the butt. You're right! There's no such thing as a raincheck to BJ's! WTF is with him? Hey, start wandering around the house nude. Flash him your boobs too. Make it so he gets turned on and chases you!

 

Hang in there!

[Ladyjane14]

He tired to blame me, said I wasn't giving him enough time, wasn't showing him enough attention.

 

Why did you assume that his explanation is an attempt at assigning blame?

 

People say ALOT of things they don't really mean, and it's quite a trick to separate the wheat from the chaff at times. But I think he probably gave you the truth there....at least from his particular point of view anyway.

 

Most EA's are built around a need for intimate conversation and flattery. An otherwise flagging self-esteem is bolstered by the attention of an opposite sex "friend". That's the basic recipe.

 

Possibly, the biggest problem that you are facing now is boredom in the relationship, not just for you but for him as well.

 

Maybe it's time for you two to get out of the house a bit.....do some activities together, get into some kind of new business venture, widen your social circle.....things like that. Maybe all you really need in order to get some excitement back into your relationship is to find some new things to talk about. (????)

[gilbert]

Your are right. I am bored to death. He's happy just the way things are. He works 6 days a week. Now on Sunday's even. And I do know he's at work. He runs his own business. He has little time when he is at home for me. I get about 2 hours a day. If that. The first hour usually consists of eating dinner. Then he wants to sit and watch tv. BORING!

 

We do have a trip planned in December, going to Vegas. That should be fun. Maybe I'll take him to a strip club, that should get his fire going.

[Horse]

I think you could use all of this free time that is making you bored to re-invent yourself, stir things up a little and try to reignite the passion in your relationship.

 

Try things that you may not have been willing to or interested in doing in the past.

 

Try to blow his mind.

 

He may tell you that he is happy with the way things were, but if he was really excited to come home, I doubt he would be away so much.

 

I don't think it is enough just to ask for more sex/passion. You have to inspire it. Unless he is a rock he will come around. You have to make a consistant effort too. You can't just have one talk and expect things to get better. People forget and get distracted. You have to remind him.

 

Give him something better to do than watch TV.

[megabit15]

I love him because we have been together so long. But I don't feel in-love anymore. I feel he ruined what we had. Even though he says he didn't have sex with this woman, and I kinda believe him, I feel cheated and betrayed. I am also very angry that after so many years of marriage that I would have to start over. I don't feel I can.

 

I have read some reasonable successes on divorce busters.com user forums...Many people whose situation sound similar to yours. Here is their link if you want to check them out...http://www.divorcebusting.com/

 

BTW- No, I am not affiliated with them in any way - heck, I'm not even married - I'm just interested in positive ways to keep a relationship good before it gets dissatisfying, so I occasionally browse their forums for ideas.