Should I text my ex? Maybe try rekindling?

[Cmkatrina]

We were initally sex buddies then got into an 8-month long relationship before we broke up last week. Things were great at first but then it kinda went downhill. We didn't see each other as much and everytime we did, we would have sex instead of going on dates etc. I told him many times I wanted to do more "couple" things and he would say okay but we just never did. Then coronavirus happened and we obviously couldn't see each other. About 2 weeks ago he ghosted me after saying he was in an annoyed mood, so i was concerned but didn't push it. 2 days later he popped up all fine and back to normal but I was upset with his ghosting; we had a long chat about our relationship and how things were great at first but we rushed into it and we should have gotten to know each other at first. I told him that his ghosting was wrong then spoke about how I've been unhappy these past few months. He suggested I take some time to think about us, a break essentially, and I agreed. I popped up a few days later and we spoke properly for a few days, we were gonna meet up one day and I was gonna tell him what my decision is, whether I want to continue the relationship or break up. But when the day came, he ghosted me again. This time I got real fed up and broke up with him over text, to which he replied he was busy, he didn't mean to ghost but he knows his lack of communication did not help. He said he wishes I find someone better than him, someone who could give me the things he couldn't. I left it there.

I miss him so much, I care for him so deeply and I really wanted us to work. I know he cared for me too. I was actually gonna tell him that I want to give us another chance when we were supposed to meet. Even the day before we planned to meet, he was still using pet names. But his ghosting left me with no choice but to break up.

I don't know if it's worth mentioning but he has been through a lot in his past, as a result he's emotionally scarred and it affects the way he does certain things. He asked me once if I was sure about sticking around because he isn't like "normal" other men. It could explain why he let me go so easily, because he's used to people leaving.

After reading all of this, would it be smart or stupid to text him? I want to reach out and ask if he's well. Maybe even give us another try. We both know where we went wrong, should I ask for us to try again?

Edited June 27, 2020 by Cmkatrina

[ExpatInItaly]

There’s nothing to rekindle anymore, girl. 

He's making it very obvious through his behaviour (not doing “couple things”, repeated ghosting, breaks) that he is not interested in continuing a relationship with you. He doesn’t care that much about you if he’s doing things like that. 

I know it sucks but you need to read the writing on the wall: he’s not interested. It’s time that you believe it, and let go. 

[d0nnivain]

The only way to fix what's broken is to communicate & work together to heal.  Silence & breaks make things worse.  

So reach out & ask to talk.  Tell him how his bouts of silence upset you.  Tell him you like him & you want to try.  Give concrete examples of where you want improvement.  Granted going out to dates in this pandemic is hard now but do make suggestions about activities you can do together.   Maybe you can cook together of play board games, do a puzzle etc.  

I don't hold out much optimism because he is saying self deprecating things like you can do better & you acknowledge that he's being shaped / motivated by a challenging past. 

[Cmkatrina]

9 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

He's making it very obvious through his behaviour (not doing “couple things”, repeated ghosting, breaks) that he is not interested in continuing a relationship with you.

Yeah I can't argue with that tbh. If I'm honest though, he always did tell me he's usually really busy, I've seen that for myself bc when he'd wake up next to me he'd have at least 5 missed calls from different people, hence why we couldn't do couple things. But I still wish he put me first every now and then. As for ghosting, he has a history of ghosting. He told me he's ghosted several people in the past, including his previous ex while they were still together, and a few friends. It's the way he copes when things get too much. But again I wish he did things differently with me.

[d0nnivain]

Wishing won't make it so.  He has poor communicate skills.  His pattern is to disappear rather then talk.  You probably won't be able to change that. 

So by texting him you are just going right back to something that wasn't working. I don't think that is what you want.  

[Cmkatrina]

33 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

So reach out & ask to talk.  Tell him how his bouts of silence upset you.  Tell him you like him & you want to try.  Give concrete examples of where you want improvement.

Yeah this is exactly what I wanted to do when we were gonna meet up. But he ghosted me yet again lol

35 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

he is saying self deprecating things like you can do better & you acknowledge that he's being shaped / motivated by a challenging past.

It's a bit sad bc I know he's been through so much and I've always wanted to be there for him while he works through his problems. But he always kept me at a distance, right from the start. I know it must be hard trusting someone after going through trauma but it's like he was always expecting me to leave. I really wish things worked out differently

[Cmkatrina]

4 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Wishing won't make it so.  He has poor communicate skills.  His pattern is to disappear rather then talk.  You probably won't be able to change that. 

Yeah that's true. He's beautiful on the inside, it's sad that he's had to learn these toxic and defensive traits bc of his past experiences. I hope he unlearns these traits for his own sake.

[ExpatInItaly]

19 minutes ago, Cmkatrina said:

Yeah I can't argue with that tbh. If I'm honest though, he always did tell me he's usually really busy, I've seen that for myself bc when he'd wake up next to me he'd have at least 5 missed calls from different people, hence why we couldn't do couple things. But I still wish he put me first every now and then. 

If he'd really wanted to, he'd have prioritized you more. Busy people can still have relationships when they genuinely want to. 

He may indeed be affected by past traumas. Or, he may simply  not be that interested any longer. Either way, he's showing you he doesn't feel the same way you do, and doesn't envision the same future together. 

[Uptown182]

Whatever his issues are it’s not your job to fix them.  If he’s not treating your right then that’s all you need to know.  If he is aware of his issues (which sounds like he is) he needs to work on them himself and he shouldn’t be in a relationship right now.  I understand you miss him, but given his history of ghosting with you and others I can guarantee if you get back together with him he will ghost again.  Why put yourself through that?  I get it hurts like hell right now but that hurt will ease up with time and I think you’ll realize this break up is for the best.  If you really want to text him, I’d advise to at least wait another week or two and see how you feel. 
 

I was in a 7 month long relationship when my ex bf ghosted me a few months ago so I know how you feel!  There were days in the first few weeks where I wanted to text or call him but I kept telling myself to wait and see how I feel.  This was a man who would always tell me he loved me and I really believed he cared about me.  The hardest thing for me to accept was (and still is at times) that a person who cared about me wouldn’t just ghost me after a 7 month long relationship where we met each other’s families and were part of each other’s lives.   However,  the more time went by the less I had the urge to reach out to him, and I’m glad I never did.  

[Cmkatrina]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

If he'd really wanted to, he'd have prioritized you more. Busy people can still have relationships when they genuinely want to. 

He may indeed be affected by past traumas. Or, he may simply  not be that interested any longer. Either way, he's showing you he doesn't feel the same way you do, and doesn't envision the same future together.

That's definitely true. I need to come to terms with the fact that it's over, I'm just missing him a lot right now. I'll get over it with time though. Thank you so much for your replies, I really appreciate your help.

[Cmkatrina]

49 minutes ago, Uptown182 said:

Whatever his issues are it’s not your job to fix them.  If he’s not treating your right then that’s all you need to know.  If he is aware of his issues (which sounds like he is) he needs to work on them himself and he shouldn’t be in a relationship right now.

You're right, I took it up as my own responsibility to take care of him and it was somewhat draining at times. Yeah he's aware, he keeps himself busy on purpose so that he doesn't have to face certain things.

54 minutes ago, Uptown182 said:

I was in a 7 month long relationship when my ex bf ghosted me a few months ago so I know how you feel!  There were days in the first few weeks where I wanted to text or call him but I kept telling myself to wait and see how I feel.  This was a man who would always tell me he loved me and I really believed he cared about me.

Oh no, I'm so sorry that happened to you, my heart goes out to you x

I hope you're stronger and doing better now, and I hope you're both happier. I guess the only thing we can do is wish them well and hope they realise how hurtful their actions are and never repeat them again with someone else. Thank you so much for your reply!

[ShyViolet]

He doesn't sound that interested in you.  If he really wanted to be with you, he would have made you a priority and showed enthusiasm for your relationship.  But instead he ghosted you repeatedly and said he was "busy."  That's not a sign that someone is really passionate about being with you.  Actions speak louder than words.  Why would you pursue a relationship with someone who is lukewarm about you?

[Lotsgoingon]

What is there to rekindle? There was never a relationship--just sex.

You have to separate what was really going on--him not agreeing to go out with you and do something other than have sex--from your feelings that you attached to him and the relationship. Right now, those two--the reality of his disinterest outside of sex and your feelings--are in conflict. And reality always wins!

He showed no interest in a real relationship. Remember, people (OK, guys maybe especially) will treat someone just nice enough to keep having sex with them. Relationships require both people to overwhelmingly want things to move forward. It's not enough that he spoke to you after ghosting. He's not prioritizing you-- someone who wanted to be in a relationship wouldn't ghost you. 

And let's get real: he probably ghosted you during a period when he was trying to set up sex with someone else. Apparently he succeeded or that fell through and he resumed talking to you. 

Let go and move on. This is going nowhere.

 

[HighHopes87]

I strongly believe that we're often guilty of romanticising the idea of 'rekindling' relationships when there's often nothing to rekindle. With my utmost respect , your relationship sounds pretty toxic and maybe its the 'push , pull' that you crave? You deserve to be with someone that makes you a priority. If you return those problems will return thick and fast. 

[Cmkatrina]

3 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

instead he ghosted you repeatedly and said he was "busy."  That's not a sign that someone is really passionate about being with you.  Actions speak louder than words.

Yeah 100%. The repeated ghosting was the final straw for me, especially since we had a whole convo about his ghosting a week prior to our break up. Actions do speak louder than words, I always did see the red flags and spoke to him about them hoping things would change but they didn't. It really does show he wasn't as passionate about being with me. Thank you, at least I've learnt this lesson now

[Cmkatrina]

3 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

You have to separate what was really going on--him not agreeing to go out with you and do something other than have sex--from your feelings that you attached to him and the relationship. Right now, those two--the reality of his disinterest outside of sex and your feelings--are in conflict. And reality always wins!

Maybe you're right. Even though our feelings were mutual, he was withdrawing himself. I say this bc he told me he was scared of getting hurt again. He always told me he wanted me to be a part of him despite his busy schedule and his responsibilities. But who knows, maybe my feelings did cloud my judgement.

3 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

And let's get real: he probably ghosted you during a period when he was trying to set up sex with someone else. Apparently he succeeded or that fell through and he resumed talking to you. 

No he would never cheat on me - he had been cheated on in the past so he would never inflict that kind of pain on someone else. I never doubted his loyalty and he never doubted mine.

You're right though, the relationship started with and was based on sex so it kinda set the tone. Thank you for the reply, I really appreciate it.

[Cmkatrina]

1 hour ago, HighHopes87 said:

I strongly believe that we're often guilty of romanticising the idea of 'rekindling' relationships when there's often nothing to rekindle. With my utmost respect , your relationship sounds pretty toxic and maybe its the 'push , pull' that you crave?

You might be onto something lol, it's easier to fantasise about getting together in the future than face the harsh reality that they're gone forever. In my case I have to believe he's gone for good. Yeah looking back, it does seem kinda toxic if I'm honest. It's not the push/pull I crave though, it's just having him there knowing that I always had someone to talk to, someone who listened to me without judgement. Because we were long distant, most of our communication was through texting and it became a routine. That's why it also hurt more when he ghosted. Anyways he was still a good person and I hope he takes some time to improve himself and unlearn the toxic behaviour. I appreciate your reply, thank you so much.

[Azincourt]

When people are lonely, they have a tendency to romanticize their former relationships, because they're concentrating on the good stuff, and forgetting about all that lead to the relationship's downfall. 

[Cmkatrina]

11 minutes ago, Azincourt said:

When people are lonely, they have a tendency to romanticize their former relationships, because they're concentrating on the good stuff, and forgetting about all that lead to the relationship's downfall. 

Yeah this is very true. We're both aware of what we did wrong so that led me to thinking will it work next time round if we give it another chance? That's one of the main reasons why I posted this. But yeah I think it's my loneliness asking this. Lockdown during this pandemic isn't helping either, hopefully I can meet my friends in 2 weeks' time and feel better, being surrounded by people who want the best for me. I'll see where my head's at then

[kendahke]

On 6/27/2020 at 12:20 AM, Cmkatrina said:

would it be smart or stupid to text him? I want to reach out and ask if he's well. Maybe even give us another try. We both know where we went wrong, should I ask for us to try again?

Yeah this is very true. We're both aware of what we did wrong so that led me to thinking will it work next time round if we give it another chance?

No.  He's already told you:

Quote

He said he wishes I find someone better than him, someone who could give me the things he couldn't.

You crawling back like this is you telling him you're cool with his treatment and he'll keep on doing what he's been doing.  If he wanted to do better, he would have been acting better a long time ago. He doesn't believe you're worth the effort--else he'd have done it by now.

Don't waste your youth like that.

Edited June 28, 2020 by kendahke

[Cmkatrina]

4 hours ago, kendahke said:

If he wanted to do better, he would have been acting better a long time ago. He doesn't believe you're worth the effort--else he'd have done it by now.

Yeah this is what I've been telling myself since we broke up - if he wanted to break the cycle he would've done so with me by now. This relationship was going nowhere I realise, nothing to rekindle lol guess I got the answer to my question.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes,  I think you are better to leave him in your rear-view mirror. 

It doesn't sound like it was ever much of a serious relationship, and while he enjoyed your company and the sex, he wasn't looking to really invest. It seems you had quite a different vision of what this was, and hoped it could be, and he wasn't on the same page as you. He didn't necessarily want you out of his life altogether, but he didn't really want a girlfriend, either. 

In the future, don't try to be someone's rescuer - especially when they are not indicating they want that from you. 

[Cmkatrina]

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It doesn't sound like it was ever much of a serious relationship, and while he enjoyed your company and the sex, he wasn't looking to really invest.

He didn't necessarily want you out of his life altogether, but he didn't really want a girlfriend, either.

Yeah this sounds spot on tbh. It sucks but I realise this now, I won't contact him again.

7 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

In the future, don't try to be someone's rescuer - especially when they are not indicating they want that from you. 

Yeah definitely, I'll keep this in mind from now on. I wasn't trying to find a "project" to work on, it just kinda happened but yeah I'll never do this again. I'm really grateful for your advice, thank you.

[Cmkatrina]

Update: he popped up 2 days ago. He said he has been thinking about his behaviour throughout our relationship and that it was "unfair and unjust". He said he f***ed up hard and he's incredibly sorry for the trouble and hurt he caused me. He said I'm an amazing girl and I deserve someone far better than him, and that I was always the better one throughout. Losing me and the way he treated me throughout is one of his deepest regrets, I'm worth far more and deserve way more. "I would do anything to see you in person although I realise now it might be too late". He sent 3 long paragraphs but that's the gist of it.

I'm glad he messaged me but I'm also torn. I was doing somewhat okay, we were approaching 2 weeks of NC and I planned to keep it up instead of reaching out. Now we're texting again, I'm keeping it friendly but he's using pet names and sending me songs. I don't really know how I feel rn. We're meeting for coffee next week; I'm gonna hear him out before deciding whether to give us another try or never speak again. I want to see if he is genuinely sorry or if he just misses having an easy access, it'll come down to his sincerity and whether he promises to change his toxic behaviour.

As cheesy as it sounds, these past 2 weeks have taught me I can live without him and I'm surprisingly doing better than I thought I would be. I have a clearer sense of my boundaries now and the qualities I am looking for in a partner. Whether we patch things up or say goodbye, I'll be fine knowing I did everything I could do and I'll take it as a learning point

Edited July 4, 2020 by Cmkatrina

[ExpatInItaly]

12 minutes ago, Cmkatrina said:

. I want to see if he is genuinely sorry or if he just misses having an easy access, it'll come down to his sincerity and whether he promises to change his toxic behaviour.

I would be very wary of this. 

He doesn't seem to have any true idea what he wants, and he flip-flops quickly. I would also be very concerned that I'm the back-up option,  coming after whomever has turned him down in the past couple weeks. Not a pleasant though, I realize, but not one I would rule out either. 

Hear him out if you wish, but proceed with caution. There are more risks than rewards here.