I suspect my wife and my best friend had an affair

[blueplant]

Hey, hope you all are doing good in these weird times. Trying to cope mentally after finding out my wife (we have known each other 16 years) cheated on me while needing time alone. Let me explain...

3 years ago, I found out she had cheated 2 times in a couple of weeks. I found out through snapchat: she had contact with two new guys and she admitted having cheated. She had cheated before, but this was sort of a "overload". I was broken and told her "If this happens again, we are done, and I'm leaving you". 

Needless to say I've been on edge these 3 last years, not really trusting her. I think alot of the trust was already broken. September 2019, I kind of "lost it" after imagining(?) she was flirting with someone on a dance floor. I told her i could tell she was flirting, she cried and told me she wanted to be with me for the rest of her life. 

This was the start of a downfall. I went to a therapist to talk about my anger problem. I also talked about the marriage. He warned me: the best way to predict if someone is going to cheat again is to look at their past. In other words, I should not get my hopes up. 

I got my guard up though, and the paranoia really took a hold of me. I was scared she would cheat, because if she did, I would have to leave her.

We went to marriage counselling, vented our thoughts and feelings. Trying to talk our marriage better.

The more paranoid i became, the more depressed she became. In november 2019, she needed some time alone. She rented a small apartment downtown for 3 days, and finished off with a one-night-stay at a spa-hotel. 

After this, she went to Iceland with her best friend, who just became single. They were there for 3 days.

February, this year, she rented another place nearby. For 5 weeks this time. We took turns living there, a week at a time to be able to spend equal amounts of time with our son (14 years old). RIght before she went there, she wrote me a long love letter, trying to explain why she needed time alone, but that she still loves me.

This time I knew something was up. I saw she had logged out of snapchat. Probably so I wouldnt see who she got messages from. Also, she had brought her nicest dress, which she wouldn't need alone in an empty apartment during the pandemic.

I confronted her and told her "I know what you've done". She cried and ran off to another room.

When I tried to talk to her about the affair, she told me she had met the guy before the pandemic, while she was out drinking with her best friend (newly single). So the best friend also knows about this. I guess you could say they are in "cahoots"? I don't trust her friend anymore.

When I asked my wife "Why did you do it?" she said "Well we had a break in the relationship". This blew my mind. She tried to justify what she had done.

A couple of weeks went by and she seemingly went on as if nothing had happened. Meanwhile my head was exploding with questions and uncertainty. 

One night, while we were drinking wine, I snapped and asked her how the hell she could go on like nothing had happened. Couldn't she tell this was tearing me up inside? I did something I'm not proud of. I punched two holes through the wall, in front of our son, and yelled at her. I said "Mom has had sex with another guy while she was at the other apartment". She blamed me for being paranoid and pushing her to do it because of my paranoia. Again, blaming it on something else, me this time. I told her to take responsibility for her actions. 

So now, we've decided to try some more. At least until the pandemic is over. At the time being, everything is at a stand still. I am out of work, dont know if I'm getting the job back. My son is out of school until further notice. Meanwhile, my mind is racing with questions:

- Was she cheating with me with someone else during her first "break" from the relationship? She spent the night at a spa... did she cheat on me then?

- Did she cheat on me during the stay in Iceland? She told me when she got home that they were disappointed they couldnt find anyone their age when they went out...

- Has she cheated on me with my best friend? This is my new obsession. I've noticed they have been very friendly. 

This is what infidelity does to you. It makes you question EVERYTHING that has happened.

I stay away from alcohol. I had a beer while we saw a movie the other day, and my son got so nervous I couldnt even finish it. I felt so bad for him. Scared I might lose it I guess. 

My wife is more loving than ever now. Trying to make things better. Writing sweet notes on candy and placing them on my nightstand. 

I break down and cry alot from thinking about this. WHen I do, she does too and tells me how sorry she am, that she's ashamed, and that she's never going to do it again. 

I feel depressed and starting to think I might be better off without her, but also dreaming of a life with her where I can trust her, like when we first met.

I really need some other opinions on this. I apologize for the long post. I try not to bother my friends and family about this, I feel like I'm just dragging everyone down if I do.

Thanks for your time

[TrudyK]

Hello 

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I am going through a similar situation (I posted about this yesterday). My husband had an affair and then after he told me about it he asked for time away to think but I then found out he was using that time to spend with her. 
 

I have times where I think it is worth fighting for because I know how much I love him and how great our relationship can be but I also wonder if it is worth the constant pain and worrying in the process. 
 

I think deep down people in our situation know what the right thing to do is but we may not have the courage to do so or want to believe that we have to start a new life. Can we really live with the paranoia? 
 

Leaving my husband would be so heartbreaking and I do think it would be absolutely unbearable and awful for months but would I thank myself in the long run. Sometimes I think that short term pain is better than living in pain forever. 
 

I really do sympathise with you and unfortunately I don’t know what the answers are, im sorry. 
 

I have tried to find someone who has actually been through the similar situations and what the actual outcome was but I’ve not found anyone yet. 

[blueplant]

Hi Trudy,

I just read through your post. I'm so sorry about your experience. 

I read that you're afraid this paranoia won't go away. If you're like me, you're obsessing over messages, episodes, details, even your own apartment. 

Like I wrote, I experienced infidelity 3 years ago. This was not the first time however, and the paranoia grew after this. 

The paranoia grows, until I check her phone, and if I can't find anything, I let out a big sigh of relief. But this tension builds up, almost like clockwork, and I seem to need that proof of trust again and again. 

This has been the last 3 years. Now that I found out she has cheated again (the one time I actually do know about. If you catch someone stealing, it's probably not the first time), I believe it will get worse. 

I'm part time dad, part time private detective.

Edited May 5, 2020 by blueplant

[TrudyK]

It’s a horrible feeling and I really do empathise with you. 
 

I hear a lot of stories from people who have overcome affairs and say they have learnt to trust their partner again - I would love to know if that was fully true or if they have convinced themselves they have. 
 

I think for certain people, like you or I, that feeling doesn’t go away. I don’t necessary see it as a bad things as I believe it shows we are cautious and taking care of ourselves to ensure we aren’t hurt again but I can drive you mad. Perhaps the hardest part is transitioning from feeling like this to actually doing something about it. 
 

When deciding whether to leave or not do you find yourself leaning towards one option more than the other? My decision changes within minutes and therefore I’m scared to make a concrete decision incase I regret it. 
 

You said you try not to bother your friends and family about it - if you did speak to them would they be supportive and give impartial advice? If so I think it would benefit you to talk to someone who knows you and ask for their advice on what’s best for you. Something that stops me from speaking to friends and family is that they know my husband very well and in their eyes he is such a wonderful person - like the person I have always known - and they just don’t understand how he could have done this and therefore say it was just a one off mistake. 
 

All the best

[Fletch Lives]

Quote

I hear a lot of stories from people who have overcome affairs and say they have learnt to trust their partner again - I would love to know if that was fully true or if they have convinced themselves they have. 

 - Some people can get over it and trust again, some can't. But you're not getting over it when the partner keeps behaving badly.

Well, for a couple to get over cheating - some can and some can't - for one thing, she has to stop, and that did not happen here. I mean you gave her the ultimatum that if you cheat again, I'm leaving you - which is what you have to do. Obviously, she won't fly right.

I try really hard not to tell people to divorce, but ........you can't live like this. You are just living a life of quiet desperation with this woman, and that's no way to live.

I'd divorce, get therapy for your trust issues, and move on. It will be hardest in the beginning but will get better over time.

Cheating is a very risky thing to do and can often ruin a relationship. My advice is, if you want to keep a relationship, don't cheat.

Edited May 5, 2020 by Fletch Lives

[Buffer]

Brother, take a deep breath. Crap sandwich 🥪 here. Yes to predict the future you look at the past. 
Get tested for STDs and STIs. Get into IC both her for her ways and you for your well being. Start exercising even if it is walking the dog with your son. Eat well, no booze or drugs, only water. 
She mad the conscious decision to cheat, got her toxic friend to help. There is more to these separations and travel. You need answers. 
If you stand by your actions three strikes and your Out! Then cease digging you will only cause yourself more pain. If you let her rug sweep, then NC with her AP, her toxic friends. No time away to think. Access to electronic devices, social media etc. 
Your paranoia was your subconscious telling you something is amiss. You were talked down, gaslight and lied to. Now she is saying it was a mistake. Nah stuff that she new what she was doing. 
Have her served, if you think it can be salvaged then it can be stopped. You don’t owe her anything towards commitment to R. She did the deed knowing what the result would be. What a few notes and a sweet and all is forgiven? No. 
One day at a time

Buffer

[schlumpy]

Why does she cheat? Why is she stepping up her game? It's because you have demonstrated to her that you will tolerate it. That the only price she has to pay for a few nights of wanton, wild sex is getting yelled at and having to get the wall fixed the next day.

For the sake of your mental and physical health you must break your emotional connection to this women. Individual therapy is one path you can take but if you are a do-it-yourself type guy try looking up the 180 on the chump lady's website. It can help you detach over a period of time and regain control of your decision making process.

Your wife views sex as recreational. That's why she can continue as if nothing is happening.

If you want to stay with her then consider an open marriage. She may change her attitude when she sees your new girl friend and realizes she might lose her plan B.

Your best move in my humble opinion is to divorce her. Make it sudden and emotionally brutal.

[Marc878]

Google serial cheater. She’ll never stop.

she separated to cheat. It was planned.

you can talk all you want but it won’t matter

[blueplant]

Hi Trudy, thanks for replying.

I hear a lot of stories from people who have overcome affairs and say they have learnt to trust their partner again - I would love to know if that was fully true or if they have convinced themselves they have. 

I think for certain people, like you or I, that feeling doesn’t go away. I don’t necessary see it as a bad things as I believe it shows we are cautious and taking care of ourselves to ensure we aren’t hurt again but I can drive you mad. Perhaps the hardest part is transitioning from feeling like this to actually doing something about it. 

This feeling hasn't gone away for me, and I suspect it will get worse now. She hasn't gone out with her friends yet after her cheating, but it will probably be a mental nightmare while she is.

The way I feel is that, when my wife is with me, at home, I feel safe and trust her and want us to be together, and I know she's not somewhere doing anything with someone. When she's out of the house though, my mind is racing, and I can hardly concentrate about anything else. That's when I feel like this whole marriage is over.

When deciding whether to leave or not do you find yourself leaning towards one option more than the other? My decision changes within minutes and therefore I’m scared to make a concrete decision incase I regret it. 

I do believe you and I are quite similar. Right now, though, I don't think you are in the right state of mind to be making that decision. I think you are irrational at the moment, for obvious reasons. At least with me, I feel that as time goes by, my thoughts around this become more and more rational, I can vision myself moving on, and I can picture our future together.  It doesn't look bright. I'm depressed about this, can't focus on anything, and when my son talks to me, I answer back like a zombie because my mind is constantly somewhere else, probing through my relationship. 

You said you try not to bother your friends and family about it - if you did speak to them would they be supportive and give impartial advice? If so I think it would benefit you to talk to someone who knows you and ask for their advice on what’s best for you. Something that stops me from speaking to friends and family is that they know my husband very well and in their eyes he is such a wonderful person - like the person I have always known - and they just don’t understand how he could have done this and therefore say it was just a one off mistake. 
 

My wife is the most social, outgoing, positive, happy and likable person there ever was. Whenever we go visit, she steals the show. It's like I'm not even there. So they like her alot more than me I think. I've tried to talk with my mom about it, but at one point she just quickly changed the subject as if she got sick and tired of the whole thing, so I stopped talking with her about it.

I think what you want to know is, should you stay or should you go? Which is what I'm asking myself, and asking all you guys online also... Because it's such a huge step. You have your husband, you know him, you have a life together, you know what you have, it's "safe". Or at least relatively safe compared to whatever life awaits you outside of the relationship.

Is the grass greener on the other side?

I think in our situation, it is. But those first weeks/months will be hard, but in the long run be our best bet.

I can't imagine my wife changing. If i shrug this off, she will lose all respect she has for me. Same with you. Your husband will call your bluff and know that you're stuck with him, and therefore he can do whatever he wants. 

It's hard :(  Sorry I don't have more positive feedback for you. I wish you the best

[blueplant]

Thanks for feedback.

I've asked her twice now, why she cheats, she tells me she doesn't know. 

I've told her "if it's physical,  I can't change that, but if it's something I do, I want to know so I can change it." That's the worst part,  I start feeling like I'm not good enough for her. That it's my fault.

Personally, I think she's addicted to the rush, and the feeling of being seen/noticed.

I'm never going to be as exciting as that first meeting with a guy over a beer, or that first sexual experience with a new sex partner. I can't compete with all the guys in this town.

I am going to leave her. I have to plan it though. I'm just going to start excercising, take care of myself, stop obsessing over everything and take my life and my mind back.

[DKT3]

Your wife has established a pattern that is working for her. That is sporadically having sex with other guys while creating issues in your marriage to get distance she Hope's will keep you from noticing.  The issue is she isnt very successfully pulling it off and you're allowing it to continue.  And it will continue.  

I'm not sure there is much advice anyone can offer because you are married to an unremorseful serial cheater and the only solution is divorce,  but you already know that,  so we cant help.

[MilaVaneela]

Hi blueplant. 
 

I can only concur with everyone who offers the opinion that your wife doesn’t seem like a good candidate for reconciliation. Sadly, some people just like the fun and thrill of secret affairs and no matter how loving or nice or attentive their spouse might be, it’s not enough for them. 
 

I know it’s difficult to detach from someone you have a history with because they’re a known quantity, but... being the “safe” plan B (the one who pays the bills/takes care of the home/whatever) isn’t really any way to live. Not only that, but your wife is putting your health at risk by having casual sex with strangers in random places (condoms don’t prevent all STDs, so that isn’t a complete solution.) 

I completely understand where you are coming for, having been there myself, but sadly I don’t really see any solution other than to end this marriage in which your wife seems to be only concerned with her wants and your overall wellbeing is just an afterthought, if even that. 

[notbroken]

Don't wait until 'you have lost wait', 'get it together', etc.   Separate.  Divorce.   Her cheating is doing things to you mentally you can't yet quite see fully.  Your self esteem is down, etc.  This is on her - not on you.   She chose to cheat.  You didn't make her.   The mind games are going to drive you crazy if you let them.  Put her as far behind you as fast as you can as possible.  Seriously.  If you don't do it now, when would you?   Just stop.   

[rjc149]

2 hours ago, blueplant said:

3 years ago, I found out she had cheated 2 times in a couple of weeks...I was broken and told her "If this happens again, we are done, and I'm leaving you". 

This was your first mistake. She should have had divorce papers waiting for her on the kitchen table. Fool me once, shame on you. 

Your second mistake was not living up to your word as a man and following through on what you said you would do. You keep giving her chances. She has no accountability because there are no consequences for her cheating. You are too weak to enforce boundaries and she has no respect for you. Fool me twice, shame on me. 

This isn't about her anymore -- why she cheats, how she can get better, how she can fix this mess etc. -- this is now about YOU. Are you strong enough to do what's right, and walk away from her? Or are you to going to forfeit your dignity and self-respect once again? What kind of a man will that make you?

[colingrant]

Way more times than not time alone equates to, I need you out of the way so that I can test drive this other guy. I think in your case, your wife did a few cost vs benefit analysis, and determined benefits would be worth the risks.  Don't make the threat if you can't follow through.

She sees you don't have the nerve or wherewithal to walk the walk, after talking the talk, so at this point she thinks her consequences are boiled down to a wrist slap or two and a few arguments, which can be fixed some couples therapy, affection, sex and a few couch cuddles to make you feel like a king..... then repeat 

Edited May 5, 2020 by colingrant

[Gr8fuln2020]

I have a solid rule that is non-negotiable...any cheating at all and it's over. No exceptions. I don't believe in reconciliation after that. But you let her off after two  (at least two) in a couple of weeks. I would not be surprised if she has at least a few more out there. 

No looking back now, OP. The relationship has to end. 

[Marc878]

1 hour ago, blueplant said:

I've asked her twice now, why she cheats, she tells me she doesn't know. 

Bud, she wants to. It’s a part of who she is.

I've told her "if it's physical,  I can't change that, but if it's something I do, I want to know so I can change it." That's the worst part,  I start feeling like I'm not good enough for her. That it's my fault.

Cmon man, you didn’t make her cheat. That’s a decision she’s made. 

Personally, I think she's addicted to the rush, and the feeling of being seen/noticed.
 

That’s not going to changeling term. You stay you’ll get to go through this again and again.

I'm never going to be as exciting as that first meeting with a guy over a beer, or that first sexual experience with a new sex partner. I can't compete with all the guys in this town.

Yep, she’ll never get enough

I am going to leave her. I have to plan it though. I'm just going to start excercising, take care of myself, stop obsessing over everything and take my life and my mind back.

It doesn’t matter what your family/friends think. Most have no knowledge of what infidelity does. They don’t have to live with this either do they?
 

Plus she puts your health at risk for STD’s etc.

Shes not perfect either. Did that cause you to cheat?

[Marc878]

3 hours ago, blueplant said:

3 years ago, I found out she had cheated 2 times in a couple of weeks. I found out through snapchat: she had contact with two new guys and she admitted having cheated. She had cheated before, but this was sort of a "overload". I was broken and told her "If this happens again, we are done, and I'm leaving you". 

You know what you’ve caught. Tip of the iceberg

Needless to say I've been on edge these 3 last years, not really trusting her. I think alot of the trust was already broken. September 2019, I kind of "lost it" after imagining(?) she was flirting with someone on a dance floor. I told her i could tell she was flirting, she cried and told me she wanted to be with me for the rest of her life. 
 

Her words are meaningless. Just self protection mode. You can never trust her. You can trust she will continue to cheat

This was the start of a downfall. I went to a therapist to talk about my anger problem. I also talked about the marriage. He warned me: the best way to predict if someone is going to cheat again is to look at their past. In other words, I should not get my hopes up. 
 

Smart therapist. He’s correct. You will go through this again and again

I got my guard up though, and the paranoia really took a hold of me. I was scared she would cheat, because if she did, I would have to leave her.

We went to marriage counselling, vented our thoughts and feelings. Trying to talk our marriage better.

The more paranoid i became, the more depressed she became. In november 2019, she needed some time alone. She rented a small apartment downtown for 3 days, and finished off with a one-night-stay at a spa-hotel. 
 

A setup to cheat again. Pretty common. She planned it

After this, she went to Iceland with her best friend, who just became single. They were there for 3 days.

February, this year, she rented another place nearby. For 5 weeks this time. We took turns living there, a week at a time to be able to spend equal amounts of time with our son (14 years old). RIght before she went there, she wrote me a long love letter, trying to explain why she needed time alone, but that she still loves me.
 

All cheaters lie a lot. That’s all you get 

This time I knew something was up. I saw she had logged out of snapchat. Probably so I wouldnt see who she got messages from. Also, she had brought her nicest dress, which she wouldn't need alone in an empty apartment during the pandemic.

I confronted her and told her "I know what you've done". She cried and ran off to another room.

When I tried to talk to her about the affair, she told me she had met the guy before the pandemic, while she was out drinking with her best friend (newly single). So the best friend also knows about this. I guess you could say they are in "cahoots"? I don't trust her friend anymore.

Birds of a feather flock together

When I asked my wife "Why did you do it?" she said "Well we had a break in the relationship". This blew my mind. She tried to justify what she had done.
 

At this point why does this surprise you?

A couple of weeks went by and she seemingly went on as if nothing had happened. Meanwhile my head was exploding with questions and uncertainty. 

She’s a cake eater. She’s fine with it.

One night, while we were drinking wine, I snapped and asked her how the hell she could go on like nothing had happened. Couldn't she tell this was tearing me up inside? I did something I'm not proud of. I punched two holes through the wall, in front of our son, and yelled at her. I said "Mom has had sex with another guy while she was at the other apartment". She blamed me for being paranoid and pushing her to do it because of my paranoia. Again, blaming it on something else, me this time. I told her to take responsibility for her actions. 
 

You can’t fix her. 

So now, we've decided to try some more. At least until the pandemic is over. At the time being, everything is at a stand still. I am out of work, dont know if I'm getting the job back. My son is out of school until further notice. Meanwhile, my mind is racing with questions:

- Was she cheating with me with someone else during her first "break" from the relationship? She spent the night at a spa... did she cheat on me then?

- Did she cheat on me during the stay in Iceland? She told me when she got home that they were disappointed they couldnt find anyone their age when they went out...

- Has she cheated on me with my best friend? This is my new obsession. I've noticed they have been very friendly. 

This is what infidelity does to you. It makes you question EVERYTHING that has happened.

I stay away from alcohol. I had a beer while we saw a movie the other day, and my son got so nervous I couldnt even finish it. I felt so bad for him. Scared I might lose it I guess. 

My wife is more loving than ever now. Trying to make things better. Writing sweet notes on candy and placing them on my nightstand. 
 

Of course she’s love bombing you to keep you in her control

I break down and cry alot from thinking about this. WHen I do, she does too and tells me how sorry she am, that she's ashamed, and that she's never going to do it again. 
 

Just words which are meaningless.

I feel depressed and starting to think I might be better off without her, but also dreaming of a life with her where I can trust her, like when we first met.

I really need some other opinions on this. I apologize for the long post. I try not to bother my friends and family about this, I feel like I'm just dragging everyone down if I do.

Stop living on hopium.

You are only a chump if you allow it.

You take no actions only talk but are getting the same results. 

She may have put you where you’re at but you are the one keeping yourself there. Until you fix yourself you’ll get more of the same.

[DKT3]

1 hour ago, MilaVaneela said:

Hi blueplant. 
 

I can only concur with everyone who offers the opinion that your wife doesn’t seem like a good candidate for reconciliation. Sadly, some people just like the fun and thrill of secret affairs and no matter how loving or nice or attentive their spouse might be, it’s not enough for them. 
 

I know it’s difficult to detach from someone you have a history with because they’re a known quantity, but... being the “safe” plan B (the one who pays the bills/takes care of the home/whatever) isn’t really any way to live. Not only that, but your wife is putting your health at risk by having casual sex with strangers in random places (condoms don’t prevent all STDs, so that isn’t a complete solution.) 

I completely understand where you are coming for, having been there myself, but sadly I don’t really see any solution other than to end this marriage in which your wife seems to be only concerned with her wants and your overall wellbeing is just an afterthought, if even that. 

In this case, I don't necessarily believe he is her plan B. I just dont believe she is monogamous, at least on her part. I doubt she would be open to OP having those same opportunities. I would bet if he got her to take a polygraph he would likely find her cheating runs the span of the entire relationship.  But no actual affair,  just drunken one time hookups. I would bet there are alot of ONS. 

[Bryanp]

It seems pretty obvious that she had no respect for you or your marriage, and does not care about putting your health at risk for STD's. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Enough is enough.

 

[Mrin]

First off - hug. I am sorry you're going through this. A few thoughts:

1. Your wife will never change. She just won't. She's not wired that way. 

2. You will never trust your wife again. What sane man would?

3. You have two choices because the third choice - what you're doing now - is absurd

4. Choice A: you can try to save the marriage by opening it up. She will never stay sexually faithful to you. Ever. You have to accept that. So one way you can get over this is by removing the "cheating" element. I don't know if you want to go down that road but it's the only option if you want to keep your marriage together.

5. Choice B: divorce and move on. You will never feel safe with her trying to have a monogamous marriage. It is turning you into something you don't want to be. Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. That's what you're doing now. So you either change the rules by opening the marriage (and you have to really be on board with that) or divorce her and put her behind you. 

Best of luck!

 

Mrin

[usa1ah]

Empty threats get you empty promises.

There is nothing you can do. You have proven to your cheating wife that your threats are meaningless.  
 

Hope you enjoy being cuckold by her. 

[usa1ah]

4 hours ago, blueplant said:

Thanks for feedback.

I've asked her twice now, why she cheats, she tells me she doesn't know. 

I've told her "if it's physical,  I can't change that, but if it's something I do, I want to know so I can change it." That's the worst part,  I start feeling like I'm not good enough for her. That it's my fault.

Personally, I think she's addicted to the rush, and the feeling of being seen/noticed.

I'm never going to be as exciting as that first meeting with a guy over a beer, or that first sexual experience with a new sex partner. I can't compete with all the guys in this town.

I am going to leave her. I have to plan it though. I'm just going to start excercising, take care of myself, stop obsessing over everything and take my life and my mind back.

Are you serious?!?!?!

 

You can’t nice your way back. 
 

She is ducking other men because she WANTS to. 
 

Grow a backbone already and divorce the cheater. You are already a part time parent. All you are doing by staying is showing your son how weak you are. You are showing your son how little self respect you have. 
 

Man up and get some self respect and file for divorce already. 
 

Why did she cheat: Because she wanted to and knew she could get away with it. The getting away with it is on you because you let her get away with it in the past. 
 

Did you cause her to cheat: No, she did that on her own because she doesn’t really love you. She might love being with you but she doesn’t love you. 
 

This will never get fixed as long as you continue to be a doormat for her. 

[LynneVicious]

It seems, more or less, she’s been cheating throughout your relationship. Or several times at least. 
 

So with that in mind, understand that she’s a cheater. She’ll keep cheating and as long as you keep taking her back, she’ll keep cheating. Why should she stop? She knows she just has to ride out the vicious circle of you losing it, being paranoid, screaming and then after it cools down she does it again. 
 

At this point, the only thing you can do is 1) Leave her or 2) Stay with her and be okay with her cheating. I don’t think 2 is an option. She’s shown you who she is. Now take some power back and grow a set and leave. Start your healing and move on. All this time you’re wasting on her is life wasted. 
 

You’ll never trust her again. And you shouldn’t. And right now you’re just prolonging you’re pain. It is trauma and you probably have ptsd. So put a stop to the source of your trauma and begin your healing. 

[Clay]

I think your wasting your time. Its clear at no point is she really interested in taking a look at her behavior and doing something about it. She is a serial cheater. My xW is still a serial cheater. We have been divorced for 13 years now and she still is cheating on the guy she is married. Some people you cant help. The only person you can help is your self. I would just give her the best gift you can. Her freedom. Don't allow her to walk all over you. This is what she is learning. If you keep taking her back with the threat ONE MORE TIME!... She will say so what. You didn't really do anything about it the last time why should she worry you will now. Why should she care how you are feeling. What does she really have to lose. 

 

Protect yourself and start the divorce. The sooner you see her for who she really is the better off you will be. 

Clay