I suspect my wife and my best friend had an affair

[S2B]

I don’t know what you gain by approach the ‘friend’.

the trust is ruined and you aren’t staying with her - so what do you gain by confronting either one now? You are ending the marriage so I would just assume they were involved and cut them both out of your life.

your wife is also not your friend - friends don’t betray you and ruin your life. 

[schlumpy]

If you want more information, get your wife's phone. Have a tech run a recovery app on it and see what comes out. If you have experience, then do it yourself. The problem is working with an unfamiliar program might lead to failure or you missing something. It's better to have someone do it who knows all about it.

I don't know if it's a good thing to confront your friend. He'll just deny and then call up your wife to give her a heads up. If you want information that you can trust it has to be done without her knowing you are doing it. That means GPS for the car. That means voice activated recorders in places she would make phone calls. That means surveillance when she thinks she's safe. That would mean many months of your life wasted spending time with her while she has sex with other men.

And at this point, what good will it do you? Now you know she's had thirty lovers instead of the two you know about. You have new text where she talks about you and the marriage in a disparaging way. The mind movies you have of her being pounded by some Adonis become real as the video comes in.

Focus on getting out with as much as you take with you. Point yourself towards a future with someone who shares your values and cut this cancer out of your life. Don't give in to your "White Knight" tendencies.

If you ruin your wife's life or not that's up to you. My only reasonable concern is that two years from now you are living a more satisfactory life than you are now.

[JS84]

Quote

thanks for all the feedback. I know you want me to "ruin her life" and so forth, ruin her career, I could never bring myself to do that. Despite everything she has done, I still love her, and probably always will. I can however not stay with her, as she is ruining me mentally. But I don't hate her in any way. She made a mistake, we all do. But there has just been too many of them over the years.

No one said you had to ruin her life and her career. We're saying your approach to this has been all wrong. And if you had handled it correctly the right way earlier (exposure would have been a good start) there's a chance (no guarantee of course) you could put a curb on this type of behavior in your marriage. Even now you want to treat her like she's a child who's learning her way through the world. She didn't make a mistake.

You really need to stop making excuses for her. She's a grown woman who is married and has deliberately and repeatedly cheated on you with other men. Again, that's not a mistake. She wasn't walking down the street and accidentally falling on other men's penises. She's not a little girl who kissed another boy on the playground. She knew exactly what she was doing. You need to accept that and treat her accordingly. Not saying you have to s*** all over her but you need to take her off the pedestal and take off those rose colored glasses. Who she is and who you think she is/want her to be are two very different things entirely. You need to reconcile that in your mind and your heart.

And no one expects you to stop loving her. It's not like people get cheated on and their love turns off like a light switch. Otherwise infidelity wouldn't be such an emotionally charged issue. But you need to start using your head and ignoring your heart. 

Quote

1.

I can confront him, and tell him about the whole situation at home, and that me and my wife have been cleaning out our closets. And that she told me about him and her. And see how he reacts. I have to tell him "Look, she told me this happened years ago, and so it's no big deal but she told me you and her had a thing going."

2. 

I could go over there tonight, come back, and tell me wife he has told me they had a thing going on, and see how she responds. 

Neither one of these seem like a great idea. At least not at this point in time. If something did happen they're most likely just going to deny it and then warn the other to get their stories straight. If they haven't already. And that's IF anything even happened. It doesn't sound like you have proof of anything just a suspicion and a vague text message. I would save this approach until after you file for divorce. Actually I wouldn't even bother with #2 period. Don't tip your hand now.

Quote

Also, I think I'm going to pretend my phone is out of battery, and ask him to borrow his. Then go through the messages quickly between him and my wife, as he probably never saw any reason to delete them. I could go out in the car, and pretend I need to check something for my wife or mom on the phone. Then buy me some time to check the messages.

What do you think I shoul do?

Wasting your time and spinning your wheels. What you're proposing is called Analysis Paralysis. Where you waste so much time looking for evidence of something you can't even really be sure happened that you wind up accomplishing nothing. You know your wife has cheated on you multiple times. You have more than enough reason to file for divorce based on that alone. You don't need to waste time finding one more instance of her cheating at this point. Right now you should be focusing on what you need to do to get out of the marriage with as little damage to yourself financially and mentally. Not playing mind and spy games with her and your best friend. That is just an excuse to do more of what you've been doing all this time. Which is basically nothing.

Edited May 9, 2020 by JS84

[mark clemson]

Since you've decided on divorce and are waiting for an opportune time due to practical matters, there may be little harm in looking into what else may have happened. However, I agree that if it causes you increased emotional distress, you might wish to stop. I also definitely agree that should be a secondary concern to creating a good parachute for yourself.

I don't think your approaches with the friend make too much sense (either one) as she may well have asked that he delete any text messages. Also if you are trying to "lay low" - as noted, he may contact her to let her know what happened in your conversation. As for talking to her, she will no doubt attempt to hold this over your head in some way when she finds out you lied. (Ironic, given what she has done.)

No other plans for finding this out are coming to mind for me, but perhaps you will think of something else?

[mark clemson]

14 hours ago, blueplant said:

thanks for all the feedback. I know you want me to "ruin her life" and so forth, ruin her career, I could never bring myself to do that. Despite everything she has done, I still love her, and probably always will. I can however not stay with her, as she is ruining me mentally. But I don't hate her in any way.

 

I think it's positive that you don't wish her harm, despite what she has done. Different people react to infidelity in different ways, and not everyone feels some need for revenge and/or vicarious revenge. I'm pretty sure that not all suggestions above that may seem like revenge are truly intended as revenge as there are legitimate reasons for "stronger measures" in some folks eyes, but perhaps some of them are.

I do wonder if your feelings might not change over time as this all continues to sink in. Also, it appears she actually wants to stay married and just have affairs on the side, so losing that may be a (modest) form of revenge anyhow. For example you will have custody time with your child and having the child "out of sight" can be distressing for many women. That's a risk she took.

I do also wonder if you will still love her after the divorce, as that tends to take a big toll on people too, but I guess time will tell.

[pepperbird]

On 5/5/2020 at 9:46 AM, blueplant said:

Thanks for feedback.

I've asked her twice now, why she cheats, she tells me she doesn't know. 

I've told her "if it's physical,  I can't change that, but if it's something I do, I want to know so I can change it." That's the worst part,  I start feeling like I'm not good enough for her. That it's my fault.

Personally, I think she's addicted to the rush, and the feeling of being seen/noticed.

I'm never going to be as exciting as that first meeting with a guy over a beer, or that first sexual experience with a new sex partner. I can't compete with all the guys in this town.

I am going to leave her. I have to plan it though. I'm just going to start excercising, take care of myself, stop obsessing over everything and take my life and my mind back.

Some people just aren't "built" for monogamy. It sounds like your wife could be one of those people. It doesn't make her a bad person, but I don't think the two of you are compatible in that area.
It sounds like you have decided to strike out on your own, and I have to say I think that's probably your best move. You may still love her to pieces-that may never change, but that doesn't mean you should be married to each other. It could very well be that divorcing will remove a lot of worry form your plate, and you and your then ex-wife can parent your son together. You'll always be a family-that won't change,  but it won't be so stressful for you, and consequently, your son.

[blueplant]

I actually went to my best friends place. Had my mom call my phone. I pretended it went out of battery, then had to call her up with his phone. I then came up with an excuse to go out to the car, and went through messages. I didn't see anything incriminating, fortunately. I went back inside and handed the phone back.

Today I told her about my suspicions regarding her first stay downtown. I told her "if you catch someone stealing, its most likely not the first time". I told her I've been thinking about getting a place of my own but that the current situation makes it difficult. She said she wanted to try, and pleaded with me, saying it was the last time she would ever do anything like this, and that she will do anything to make this relationship work.

I started pointing out the times she had been cheating:

- (10 years or so ago) Once she had text with this guy, and I had actually started texting him back from her phone. Just to see what was going on. She says that they just texted, and that they only met twice? I didn't ask anything further about this. Why would they meet and not do anything. They probably did.

- (3 years ago) She had this guy on her snapchat once, customer of her job. She had written to a friend : "I can't fall in love with this guy!" Nothing happened between them, I think. I had caught her on it when I found out, and made her delete him from snapchat.

- (3 years ago) She came home from a boattrip (stayed the night) and had this guy on snapchat. I made her delete him, but I'm pretty sure they hooked up while on the boat. Some stranger I guess.

- (3 years ago) She came home late from a party, and admitted having fooled around with a guy. I suspect they had sex also.

- (5 months ago) She rented a place downtown, and I'm pretty sure she met someone, as she snapped constantly, and I mean constantly while she was there. She told me "Well sometimes I snap with my friends, and my family", and I told her "Not every 3 minutes." So I pretty much assume she met someone while there. Then she went to the spa. And stayed there overnight.

- And then there's the guy from her stay at the apartment 2 months ago.

I gave her my phone today, opened facebook, and made her search up the guy she had met. Now I know who it is. Doesn't matter really. He's just some guy. 

She's asleep now, probably crying herself to sleep I guess. She has been crying alot lately. More so than me.

I'm just trying to find any signs that she could change, any hope at all. And I'm thinking: If these instances are the ones I know of, what about the ones she has kept secret from me? If you catch someone stealing a loaf of bread, someone who has been stealing for years, how many loafs of bread has the person stole between each time you catch them?

She has given me the toughest decision of my life. I could stay with her for our sons sake, and believe that she will change after going through this hell with me, or I could leave her, and lose my best friend and our 16 years of history would have been all for nothing. 

And I know I'm going on and on about this, but this situation is still unresolved, and my mind is spinning constantly. From the time I wake up to 'till I fall asleep, this is all I think about. Googling this a**h*** who f***ed my wife. Who is this guy? Is he single? He knows my wife isnt single. He has probably seen her facebook page. Fantasizing about going up there, knocking on his door and telling him and HIS wife/girlfriend what has happened and what he's done.

When I know all of this is on my wife. 

Edited May 10, 2020 by blueplant

[Woggle]

Then give her all the alone time in the world.

[blueplant]

7 hours ago, pepperbird said:

Some people just aren't "built" for monogamy. It sounds like your wife could be one of those people. It doesn't make her a bad person, but I don't think the two of you are compatible in that area.
It sounds like you have decided to strike out on your own, and I have to say I think that's probably your best move. You may still love her to pieces-that may never change, but that doesn't mean you should be married to each other. It could very well be that divorcing will remove a lot of worry form your plate, and you and your then ex-wife can parent your son together. You'll always be a family-that won't change,  but it won't be so stressful for you, and consequently, your son.

Thanks. I think you hit the nail on the head here.

[pepperbird]

I msut

33 minutes ago, blueplant said:

I actually went to my best friends place. Had my mom call my phone. I pretended it went out of battery, then had to call her up with his phone. I then came up with an excuse to go out to the car, and went through messages. I didn't see anything incriminating, fortunately. I went back inside and handed the phone back.

Today I told her about my suspicions regarding her first stay downtown. I told her "if you catch someone stealing, its most likely not the first time". I told her I've been thinking about getting a place of my own but that the current situation makes it difficult. She said she wanted to try, and pleaded with me, saying it was the last time she would ever do anything like this, and that she will do anything to make this relationship work.

I started pointing out the times she had been cheating:

- (10 years or so ago) Once she had text with this guy, and I had actually started texting him back from her phone. Just to see what was going on. She says that they just texted, and that they only met twice? I didn't ask anything further about this. Why would they meet and not do anything. They probably did.

- (3 years ago) She had this guy on her snapchat once, customer of her job. She had written to a friend : "I can't fall in love with this guy!" Nothing happened between them, I think. I had caught her on it when I found out, and made her delete him from snapchat.

- (3 years ago) She came home from a boattrip (stayed the night) and had this guy on snapchat. I made her delete him, but I'm pretty sure they hooked up while on the boat. Some stranger I guess.

- (3 years ago) She came home late from a party, and admitted having fooled around with a guy. I suspect they had sex also.

- (5 months ago) She rented a place downtown, and I'm pretty sure she met someone, as she snapped constantly, and I mean constantly while she was there. She told me "Well sometimes I snap with my friends, and my family", and I told her "Not every 3 minutes." So I pretty much assume she met someone while there. Then she went to the spa. And stayed there overnight.

- And then there's the guy from her stay at the apartment 2 months ago.

I gave her my phone today, opened facebook, and made her search up the guy she had met. Now I know who it is. Doesn't matter really. He's just some guy. 

She's asleep now, probably crying herself to sleep I guess. She has been crying alot lately. More so than me.

I'm just trying to find any signs that she could change, any hope at all. And I'm thinking: If these instances are the ones I know of, what about the ones she has kept secret from me? If you catch someone stealing a loaf of bread, someone who has been stealing for years, how many loafs of bread has the person stole between each time you catch them?

She has given me the toughest decision of my life. I could stay with her for our sons sake, and believe that she will change after going through this hell with me, or I could leave her, and lose my best friend and our 16 years of history would have been all for nothing. 

And I know I'm going on and on about this, but this situation is still unresolved, and my mind is spinning constantly. From the time I wake up to 'till I fall asleep, this is all I think about. Googling this a**h*** who f***ed my wife. Who is this guy? Is he single? He knows my wife isnt single. He has probably seen her facebook page. Fantasizing about going up there, knocking on his door and telling him and HIS wife/girlfriend what has happened and what he's done.

When I know all of this is on my wife. 

I must be really old- I;m not sure what Snapchat is🤣

I can understand how this can be so confusing. Most people who cheat aren't bad people, they aren't mean or cruel, they just can't keep their (figurative or literal)zipper in the upright position.

In your shoes, I would walk away. It's not a reflection on her worth or value as a person, just that you and she seem to have very different views on monogamy, and quite frankly, honesty as a whole. . I doubt you would ever be ale to trust her much at all ever again or really ever forget her actions. Staying if it's like that is  toxic for you, her and most importantly, your son.
 

[Marc878]

30 minutes ago, blueplant said:

I actually went to my best friends place. Had my mom call my phone. I pretended it went out of battery, then had to call her up with his phone. I then came up with an excuse to go out to the car, and went through messages. I didn't see anything incriminating, fortunately. I went back inside and handed the phone back.

May have deleted evidence

Today I told her about my suspicions regarding her first stay downtown. I told her "if you catch someone stealing, its most likely not the first time". I told her I've been thinking about getting a place of my own but that the current situation makes it difficult. She said she wanted to try, and pleaded with me, saying it was the last time she would ever do anything like this, and that she will do anything to make this relationship work.

Meh, upfront they all go into self protection mode. Meaningless really. All you need is proof to satisfy you. Her words will never count for much. Serial cheater. You stay you’ll get more. 

I started pointing out the times she had been cheating:

- (10 years or so ago) Once she had text with this guy, and I had actually started texting him back from her phone. Just to see what was going on. She says that they just texted, and that they only met twice? I didn't ask anything further about this. Why would they meet and not do anything. They probably did.

- (3 years ago) She had this guy on her snapchat once, customer of her job. She had written to a friend : "I can't fall in love with this guy!" Nothing happened between them, I think. I had caught her on it when I found out, and made her delete him from snapchat.

- (3 years ago) She came home from a boattrip (stayed the night) and had this guy on snapchat. I made her delete him, but I'm pretty sure they hooked up while on the boat. Some stranger I guess.

- (3 years ago) She came home late from a party, and admitted having fooled around with a guy. I suspect they had sex also.

- (5 months ago) She rented a place downtown, and I'm pretty sure she met someone, as she snapped constantly, and I mean constantly while she was there. She told me "Well sometimes I snap with my friends, and my family", and I told her "Not every 3 minutes." So I pretty much assume she met someone while there. Then she went to the spa. And stayed there overnight.

- And then there's the guy from her stay at the apartment 2 months ago.

I gave her my phone today, opened facebook, and made her search up the guy she had met. Now I know who it is. Doesn't matter really. He's just some guy. 
 

You need nothing more. At this point the only one that can keep you in this mess is you. So keep yourself in limbo or get out.

She's asleep now, probably crying herself to sleep I guess. She has been crying alot lately. More so than me.
 

Her tears are for herself. Regrets at getting caught. Nothing more.

I'm just trying to find any signs that she could change, any hope at all. And I'm thinking: If these instances are the ones I know of, what about the ones she has kept secret from me? If you catch someone stealing a loaf of bread, someone who has been stealing for years, how many loafs of bread has the person stole between each time you catch them?

See what is versus what you want to see. The life of a hopium addict isn’t very fulfilling.

She has given me the toughest decision of my life. I could stay with her for our sons sake, and believe that she will change after going through this hell with me, or I could leave her, and lose my best friend and our 16 years of history would have been all for nothing. 

Definition of friend = loyal, honest and trustworthy. She’s not your friend. Losing 16 years of cheating and lies. Not a bad thing. Living the life as a martyr for your kids? They grow up have their own life look back and see their dad being a chump. Is that what you want to teach them?

And I know I'm going on and on about this, but this situation is still unresolved, and my mind is spinning constantly. From the time I wake up to 'till I fall asleep, this is all I think about. Googling this a**h*** who f***ed my wife. Who is this guy? Is he single? He knows my wife isnt single. He has probably seen her facebook page. Fantasizing about going up there, knocking on his door and telling him and HIS wife/girlfriend what has happened and what he's done.

When I know all of this is on my wife. 

The Calvary isn’t coming. She may have put you in limbo but you’re the only one that can keep yourself there. 
 

You can only be a chump if you allow it. Google serial cheater.

[Buffer]

I think it is tine to move on. I feel there is a lot of gaslighting going on here. Brother it is up to you but I would file for D and have here served. To predict the future you look at her past. 
Buffer

[S2B]

It’s hard for me to imagine why you are wasting one single second wondering about what she’s been doing!

she had constantly cheated on you for a decade (at least)! She will always cheat on you! You know why? Because she has always cheated and you have always stayed with her!

you want to stay married? Then you better know for SURE she will ALWAYS cheat on you and treat you like crap! Is that what you want for your child? That’s the example you are showing your son! That’s what he will choose for himself if you keep showing that’s what marriage looks like! 
 

in his mind he gonna think “get married, wife cheats, the man stays no matter what!”

time to show him that no one should stay when a spouse treats them terribly! Lead by example! Respect yourself more!

[DKT3]

2 hours ago, S2B said:

It’s hard for me to imagine why you are wasting one single second wondering about what she’s been doing!

she had constantly cheated on you for a decade (at least)! She will always cheat on you! You know why? Because she has always cheated and you have always stayed with her!

you want to stay married? Then you better know for SURE she will ALWAYS cheat on you and treat you like crap! Is that what you want for your child? That’s the example you are showing your son! That’s what he will choose for himself if you keep showing that’s what marriage looks like! 
 

in his mind he gonna think “get married, wife cheats, the man stays no matter what!”

time to show him that no one should stay when a spouse treats them terribly! Lead by example! Respect yourself more!

OP is passive and will likely allow this to continue.  Even the title of this thread is a indication of that. No his wife need time alone because she WAS cheating.  Not she cheated while she needed time alone. Flipping the phases can give you a completely different perspective. 

[JS84]

Really not sure why you're here since apparently you're not going to take anyone's advice unless it's just to vent but good luck. 

[S2B]

It seems like you are trying to find reasons to stay. So stay!

but stay and you know for a fact that you sign up for MORE and MORE cheating from her!

she has had no consequences for her past cheating. She knows when you take her back it just confirms again that she can keep cheating on you and you don’t change a thing.

[Honest_Interest]

Im sorry man but you should read back your posts as if it was a friend asking you for advise.......Holy s***...Serial cheater alert.....

Come on my man.....seek some IC for you, and drop this mind f*** you keep going through....

I agree with S2B....  its plain to see from the outside looking in.... no you have to see it too

Good luck brother

[Just a Guy]

Hi folks, I guess blue plant has come to terms with fact that his wife is a serial cheater and is content to let sleeping dogs lie. From the tenor of his posts it is obvious he is only beating about the bush but not wanting to take any decisive action to hold his wife responsible for her actions and therefore accountable. Of that be the case it is best to let him rest in peace as enough good advice has been given to him and if he so chooses he can act on it. However, as the saying goes "You can take a horse to water but you cannot make it drink." This seems to hold good for the OP and if that is what he wants then so be it. Wishing him the best.

[mark clemson]

23 hours ago, blueplant said:

She has given me the toughest decision of my life. I could stay with her for our sons sake, and believe that she will change

She certainly doesn't have a good track record. "Staying for the kids" is bad enough in an ordinary bad marriage. In your case it sounds like it would be an absolute nightmare.

Also if (probably actually when) she cheats again, it will likely just trigger you even more massively. So - more punching holes in the wall, etc in front of your kid??

As pointed out, you know she's a serial cheater. And there may be more you aren't aware of.

Just seems like a bad idea.

[blueplant]

5 hours ago, Just a Guy said:

Hi folks, I guess blue plant has come to terms with fact that his wife is a serial cheater and is content to let sleeping dogs lie. From the tenor of his posts it is obvious he is only beating about the bush but not wanting to take any decisive action to hold his wife responsible for her actions and therefore accountable. Of that be the case it is best to let him rest in peace as enough good advice has been given to him and if he so chooses he can act on it. However, as the saying goes "You can take a horse to water but you cannot make it drink." This seems to hold good for the OP and if that is what he wants then so be it. Wishing him the best.

Ha ha. That username is very clever, I see what you did there. 

I have nothing to be ashamed of. And I'm aware of how insane it sounds to stay with someone who has done something like this to me. 

I broke up with her yesterday.

Then I told her I want to keep the apartment until we both have a job. I'm out of work due to the coronavirus, and not sure if I'm unemployed or not at the end of the pandemic. Meaning: I'd have to stay with either my mom or dad. She said she wanted to sell and move apart right away if we break up.

So I told her sorry, I was mad, and didn't mean it. And that we could try for a few more months.

She went along with it.

I have no reason to lie about this. I'm anonymous, so I might as well tell the truth. 

Of course I'm venting on this post.

My plan now, and you can believe me or not because like I said I have no reason to lie, is to get a job then get away from this relationship. But I'm not going to leave like this, without the possibility to get my own place first. She has been taking advantage of my trust for so long, it's about time i take advantage of hers.

[Marc878]

Nothing wrong with planning as long as you stay out of denial.

Buy condoms and get tested

[S2B]

Ya, good luck with that plan. Worst plan ever!

uh, we are breaking up but I take you back - but I plans to leave in a few months... uh huh.

she will end up pregnant - and claim it’s yours. Do not under ANY circumstances have sex with her! 
 

You could protect yourself better by moving in with that family. Or sleep on a friends sofa for a month or two. You will be even MORE devastated leaving after watching her flirt openly with more men while you are around. It’s a special kind of hell you e chosen for yourself.

and yes, you do have choices! Many more than the one you chose!

Edited May 12, 2020 by S2B

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Leave her.

There's nothing left to salvage. Not all the hoping in the world is going to make her get her act together. She can't even help herself. This is seriously traumatizing your son (not to mention sending you to the edge of your sanity).

She's really broken inside. Not even all the love in the world will fix what she can't fix herself. Best to work on yourself so you can be the best possible dad to your son, and get him resources to help him get through this in a healthy way.

[Buffer]

On 5/12/2020 at 5:14 AM, blueplant said:

My plan now, and you can believe me or not because like I said I have no reason to lie, is to get a job then get away from this relationship. But I'm not going to leave like this, without the possibility to get my own place first. She has been taking advantage of my trust for so long, it's about time i take advantage of hers.

Fair enough  she isn’t or hasn’t been truthful with you  Strength to you

buffer

[ARAMCOMAN]

"If this happens again, we are done, and I'm leaving you". 

If you draw a line in the sand & then let the tide of uncertainty wash it away then you have accomplished nothing.