I suspect my wife and my best friend had an affair

[pepperbird]

On 5/5/2020 at 9:46 AM, blueplant said:

Thanks for feedback.

I've asked her twice now, why she cheats, she tells me she doesn't know. 

I've told her "if it's physical,  I can't change that, but if it's something I do, I want to know so I can change it." That's the worst part,  I start feeling like I'm not good enough for her. That it's my fault.

Personally, I think she's addicted to the rush, and the feeling of being seen/noticed.

I'm never going to be as exciting as that first meeting with a guy over a beer, or that first sexual experience with a new sex partner. I can't compete with all the guys in this town.

I am going to leave her. I have to plan it though. I'm just going to start excercising, take care of myself, stop obsessing over everything and take my life and my mind back.

Some people just aren't "built" for monogamy. It sounds like your wife could be one of those people. It doesn't make her a bad person, but I don't think the two of you are compatible in that area.
It sounds like you have decided to strike out on your own, and I have to say I think that's probably your best move. You may still love her to pieces-that may never change, but that doesn't mean you should be married to each other. It could very well be that divorcing will remove a lot of worry form your plate, and you and your then ex-wife can parent your son together. You'll always be a family-that won't change,  but it won't be so stressful for you, and consequently, your son.

[blueplant]

I actually went to my best friends place. Had my mom call my phone. I pretended it went out of battery, then had to call her up with his phone. I then came up with an excuse to go out to the car, and went through messages. I didn't see anything incriminating, fortunately. I went back inside and handed the phone back.

Today I told her about my suspicions regarding her first stay downtown. I told her "if you catch someone stealing, its most likely not the first time". I told her I've been thinking about getting a place of my own but that the current situation makes it difficult. She said she wanted to try, and pleaded with me, saying it was the last time she would ever do anything like this, and that she will do anything to make this relationship work.

I started pointing out the times she had been cheating:

- (10 years or so ago) Once she had text with this guy, and I had actually started texting him back from her phone. Just to see what was going on. She says that they just texted, and that they only met twice? I didn't ask anything further about this. Why would they meet and not do anything. They probably did.

- (3 years ago) She had this guy on her snapchat once, customer of her job. She had written to a friend : "I can't fall in love with this guy!" Nothing happened between them, I think. I had caught her on it when I found out, and made her delete him from snapchat.

- (3 years ago) She came home from a boattrip (stayed the night) and had this guy on snapchat. I made her delete him, but I'm pretty sure they hooked up while on the boat. Some stranger I guess.

- (3 years ago) She came home late from a party, and admitted having fooled around with a guy. I suspect they had sex also.

- (5 months ago) She rented a place downtown, and I'm pretty sure she met someone, as she snapped constantly, and I mean constantly while she was there. She told me "Well sometimes I snap with my friends, and my family", and I told her "Not every 3 minutes." So I pretty much assume she met someone while there. Then she went to the spa. And stayed there overnight.

- And then there's the guy from her stay at the apartment 2 months ago.

I gave her my phone today, opened facebook, and made her search up the guy she had met. Now I know who it is. Doesn't matter really. He's just some guy. 

She's asleep now, probably crying herself to sleep I guess. She has been crying alot lately. More so than me.

I'm just trying to find any signs that she could change, any hope at all. And I'm thinking: If these instances are the ones I know of, what about the ones she has kept secret from me? If you catch someone stealing a loaf of bread, someone who has been stealing for years, how many loafs of bread has the person stole between each time you catch them?

She has given me the toughest decision of my life. I could stay with her for our sons sake, and believe that she will change after going through this hell with me, or I could leave her, and lose my best friend and our 16 years of history would have been all for nothing. 

And I know I'm going on and on about this, but this situation is still unresolved, and my mind is spinning constantly. From the time I wake up to 'till I fall asleep, this is all I think about. Googling this a**h*** who f***ed my wife. Who is this guy? Is he single? He knows my wife isnt single. He has probably seen her facebook page. Fantasizing about going up there, knocking on his door and telling him and HIS wife/girlfriend what has happened and what he's done.

When I know all of this is on my wife. 

Edited May 10, 2020 by blueplant

[Woggle]

Then give her all the alone time in the world.

[blueplant]

7 hours ago, pepperbird said:

Some people just aren't "built" for monogamy. It sounds like your wife could be one of those people. It doesn't make her a bad person, but I don't think the two of you are compatible in that area.
It sounds like you have decided to strike out on your own, and I have to say I think that's probably your best move. You may still love her to pieces-that may never change, but that doesn't mean you should be married to each other. It could very well be that divorcing will remove a lot of worry form your plate, and you and your then ex-wife can parent your son together. You'll always be a family-that won't change,  but it won't be so stressful for you, and consequently, your son.

Thanks. I think you hit the nail on the head here.

[pepperbird]

I msut

33 minutes ago, blueplant said:

I actually went to my best friends place. Had my mom call my phone. I pretended it went out of battery, then had to call her up with his phone. I then came up with an excuse to go out to the car, and went through messages. I didn't see anything incriminating, fortunately. I went back inside and handed the phone back.

Today I told her about my suspicions regarding her first stay downtown. I told her "if you catch someone stealing, its most likely not the first time". I told her I've been thinking about getting a place of my own but that the current situation makes it difficult. She said she wanted to try, and pleaded with me, saying it was the last time she would ever do anything like this, and that she will do anything to make this relationship work.

I started pointing out the times she had been cheating:

- (10 years or so ago) Once she had text with this guy, and I had actually started texting him back from her phone. Just to see what was going on. She says that they just texted, and that they only met twice? I didn't ask anything further about this. Why would they meet and not do anything. They probably did.

- (3 years ago) She had this guy on her snapchat once, customer of her job. She had written to a friend : "I can't fall in love with this guy!" Nothing happened between them, I think. I had caught her on it when I found out, and made her delete him from snapchat.

- (3 years ago) She came home from a boattrip (stayed the night) and had this guy on snapchat. I made her delete him, but I'm pretty sure they hooked up while on the boat. Some stranger I guess.

- (3 years ago) She came home late from a party, and admitted having fooled around with a guy. I suspect they had sex also.

- (5 months ago) She rented a place downtown, and I'm pretty sure she met someone, as she snapped constantly, and I mean constantly while she was there. She told me "Well sometimes I snap with my friends, and my family", and I told her "Not every 3 minutes." So I pretty much assume she met someone while there. Then she went to the spa. And stayed there overnight.

- And then there's the guy from her stay at the apartment 2 months ago.

I gave her my phone today, opened facebook, and made her search up the guy she had met. Now I know who it is. Doesn't matter really. He's just some guy. 

She's asleep now, probably crying herself to sleep I guess. She has been crying alot lately. More so than me.

I'm just trying to find any signs that she could change, any hope at all. And I'm thinking: If these instances are the ones I know of, what about the ones she has kept secret from me? If you catch someone stealing a loaf of bread, someone who has been stealing for years, how many loafs of bread has the person stole between each time you catch them?

She has given me the toughest decision of my life. I could stay with her for our sons sake, and believe that she will change after going through this hell with me, or I could leave her, and lose my best friend and our 16 years of history would have been all for nothing. 

And I know I'm going on and on about this, but this situation is still unresolved, and my mind is spinning constantly. From the time I wake up to 'till I fall asleep, this is all I think about. Googling this a**h*** who f***ed my wife. Who is this guy? Is he single? He knows my wife isnt single. He has probably seen her facebook page. Fantasizing about going up there, knocking on his door and telling him and HIS wife/girlfriend what has happened and what he's done.

When I know all of this is on my wife. 

I must be really old- I;m not sure what Snapchat is🤣

I can understand how this can be so confusing. Most people who cheat aren't bad people, they aren't mean or cruel, they just can't keep their (figurative or literal)zipper in the upright position.

In your shoes, I would walk away. It's not a reflection on her worth or value as a person, just that you and she seem to have very different views on monogamy, and quite frankly, honesty as a whole. . I doubt you would ever be ale to trust her much at all ever again or really ever forget her actions. Staying if it's like that is  toxic for you, her and most importantly, your son.
 

[Marc878]

30 minutes ago, blueplant said:

I actually went to my best friends place. Had my mom call my phone. I pretended it went out of battery, then had to call her up with his phone. I then came up with an excuse to go out to the car, and went through messages. I didn't see anything incriminating, fortunately. I went back inside and handed the phone back.

May have deleted evidence

Today I told her about my suspicions regarding her first stay downtown. I told her "if you catch someone stealing, its most likely not the first time". I told her I've been thinking about getting a place of my own but that the current situation makes it difficult. She said she wanted to try, and pleaded with me, saying it was the last time she would ever do anything like this, and that she will do anything to make this relationship work.

Meh, upfront they all go into self protection mode. Meaningless really. All you need is proof to satisfy you. Her words will never count for much. Serial cheater. You stay you’ll get more. 

I started pointing out the times she had been cheating:

- (10 years or so ago) Once she had text with this guy, and I had actually started texting him back from her phone. Just to see what was going on. She says that they just texted, and that they only met twice? I didn't ask anything further about this. Why would they meet and not do anything. They probably did.

- (3 years ago) She had this guy on her snapchat once, customer of her job. She had written to a friend : "I can't fall in love with this guy!" Nothing happened between them, I think. I had caught her on it when I found out, and made her delete him from snapchat.

- (3 years ago) She came home from a boattrip (stayed the night) and had this guy on snapchat. I made her delete him, but I'm pretty sure they hooked up while on the boat. Some stranger I guess.

- (3 years ago) She came home late from a party, and admitted having fooled around with a guy. I suspect they had sex also.

- (5 months ago) She rented a place downtown, and I'm pretty sure she met someone, as she snapped constantly, and I mean constantly while she was there. She told me "Well sometimes I snap with my friends, and my family", and I told her "Not every 3 minutes." So I pretty much assume she met someone while there. Then she went to the spa. And stayed there overnight.

- And then there's the guy from her stay at the apartment 2 months ago.

I gave her my phone today, opened facebook, and made her search up the guy she had met. Now I know who it is. Doesn't matter really. He's just some guy. 
 

You need nothing more. At this point the only one that can keep you in this mess is you. So keep yourself in limbo or get out.

She's asleep now, probably crying herself to sleep I guess. She has been crying alot lately. More so than me.
 

Her tears are for herself. Regrets at getting caught. Nothing more.

I'm just trying to find any signs that she could change, any hope at all. And I'm thinking: If these instances are the ones I know of, what about the ones she has kept secret from me? If you catch someone stealing a loaf of bread, someone who has been stealing for years, how many loafs of bread has the person stole between each time you catch them?

See what is versus what you want to see. The life of a hopium addict isn’t very fulfilling.

She has given me the toughest decision of my life. I could stay with her for our sons sake, and believe that she will change after going through this hell with me, or I could leave her, and lose my best friend and our 16 years of history would have been all for nothing. 

Definition of friend = loyal, honest and trustworthy. She’s not your friend. Losing 16 years of cheating and lies. Not a bad thing. Living the life as a martyr for your kids? They grow up have their own life look back and see their dad being a chump. Is that what you want to teach them?

And I know I'm going on and on about this, but this situation is still unresolved, and my mind is spinning constantly. From the time I wake up to 'till I fall asleep, this is all I think about. Googling this a**h*** who f***ed my wife. Who is this guy? Is he single? He knows my wife isnt single. He has probably seen her facebook page. Fantasizing about going up there, knocking on his door and telling him and HIS wife/girlfriend what has happened and what he's done.

When I know all of this is on my wife. 

The Calvary isn’t coming. She may have put you in limbo but you’re the only one that can keep yourself there. 
 

You can only be a chump if you allow it. Google serial cheater.

[Buffer]

I think it is tine to move on. I feel there is a lot of gaslighting going on here. Brother it is up to you but I would file for D and have here served. To predict the future you look at her past. 
Buffer

[DKT3]

2 hours ago, S2B said:

It’s hard for me to imagine why you are wasting one single second wondering about what she’s been doing!

she had constantly cheated on you for a decade (at least)! She will always cheat on you! You know why? Because she has always cheated and you have always stayed with her!

you want to stay married? Then you better know for SURE she will ALWAYS cheat on you and treat you like crap! Is that what you want for your child? That’s the example you are showing your son! That’s what he will choose for himself if you keep showing that’s what marriage looks like! 
 

in his mind he gonna think “get married, wife cheats, the man stays no matter what!”

time to show him that no one should stay when a spouse treats them terribly! Lead by example! Respect yourself more!

OP is passive and will likely allow this to continue.  Even the title of this thread is a indication of that. No his wife need time alone because she WAS cheating.  Not she cheated while she needed time alone. Flipping the phases can give you a completely different perspective. 

[JS84]

Really not sure why you're here since apparently you're not going to take anyone's advice unless it's just to vent but good luck. 

[Honest_Interest]

Im sorry man but you should read back your posts as if it was a friend asking you for advise.......Holy s***...Serial cheater alert.....

Come on my man.....seek some IC for you, and drop this mind f*** you keep going through....

I agree with S2B....  its plain to see from the outside looking in.... no you have to see it too

Good luck brother

[Just a Guy]

Hi folks, I guess blue plant has come to terms with fact that his wife is a serial cheater and is content to let sleeping dogs lie. From the tenor of his posts it is obvious he is only beating about the bush but not wanting to take any decisive action to hold his wife responsible for her actions and therefore accountable. Of that be the case it is best to let him rest in peace as enough good advice has been given to him and if he so chooses he can act on it. However, as the saying goes "You can take a horse to water but you cannot make it drink." This seems to hold good for the OP and if that is what he wants then so be it. Wishing him the best.

[mark clemson]

23 hours ago, blueplant said:

She has given me the toughest decision of my life. I could stay with her for our sons sake, and believe that she will change

She certainly doesn't have a good track record. "Staying for the kids" is bad enough in an ordinary bad marriage. In your case it sounds like it would be an absolute nightmare.

Also if (probably actually when) she cheats again, it will likely just trigger you even more massively. So - more punching holes in the wall, etc in front of your kid??

As pointed out, you know she's a serial cheater. And there may be more you aren't aware of.

Just seems like a bad idea.

[blueplant]

5 hours ago, Just a Guy said:

Hi folks, I guess blue plant has come to terms with fact that his wife is a serial cheater and is content to let sleeping dogs lie. From the tenor of his posts it is obvious he is only beating about the bush but not wanting to take any decisive action to hold his wife responsible for her actions and therefore accountable. Of that be the case it is best to let him rest in peace as enough good advice has been given to him and if he so chooses he can act on it. However, as the saying goes "You can take a horse to water but you cannot make it drink." This seems to hold good for the OP and if that is what he wants then so be it. Wishing him the best.

Ha ha. That username is very clever, I see what you did there. 

I have nothing to be ashamed of. And I'm aware of how insane it sounds to stay with someone who has done something like this to me. 

I broke up with her yesterday.

Then I told her I want to keep the apartment until we both have a job. I'm out of work due to the coronavirus, and not sure if I'm unemployed or not at the end of the pandemic. Meaning: I'd have to stay with either my mom or dad. She said she wanted to sell and move apart right away if we break up.

So I told her sorry, I was mad, and didn't mean it. And that we could try for a few more months.

She went along with it.

I have no reason to lie about this. I'm anonymous, so I might as well tell the truth. 

Of course I'm venting on this post.

My plan now, and you can believe me or not because like I said I have no reason to lie, is to get a job then get away from this relationship. But I'm not going to leave like this, without the possibility to get my own place first. She has been taking advantage of my trust for so long, it's about time i take advantage of hers.

[Marc878]

Nothing wrong with planning as long as you stay out of denial.

Buy condoms and get tested

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Leave her.

There's nothing left to salvage. Not all the hoping in the world is going to make her get her act together. She can't even help herself. This is seriously traumatizing your son (not to mention sending you to the edge of your sanity).

She's really broken inside. Not even all the love in the world will fix what she can't fix herself. Best to work on yourself so you can be the best possible dad to your son, and get him resources to help him get through this in a healthy way.

[Buffer]

On 5/12/2020 at 5:14 AM, blueplant said:

My plan now, and you can believe me or not because like I said I have no reason to lie, is to get a job then get away from this relationship. But I'm not going to leave like this, without the possibility to get my own place first. She has been taking advantage of my trust for so long, it's about time i take advantage of hers.

Fair enough  she isn’t or hasn’t been truthful with you  Strength to you

buffer

[ARAMCOMAN]

"If this happens again, we are done, and I'm leaving you". 

If you draw a line in the sand & then let the tide of uncertainty wash it away then you have accomplished nothing. 

[mark clemson]

Respectfully, it actually DOES accomplish something, which is letting the person know you won't actually follow through so that they don't take your word seriously. Any good negotiator knows that if you take a hard position generally you need to be willing to stick to it.

[Buffer]

Brother, how is it going?

Buffer

[Honest_Interest]

Mods should close this off... this is of no help now

[blueplant]

Hey

writing this on my phone so bear with me. Its 5 am here and im having trouble sleeping. Woke up an hour ago. Im on a boattrip with a friend of mine with me, my wife and son and him with his son and wife.

what has happened is we are trying to live a normal life together. My wife is apparently trying to do better.

But im still struggling alot, in my mind im seeing all these people, my best friend whom i suspect has had an affair with her (if you think about it enough it almost becomes a clear memory, as if it really happened), the guy she showed me on her phone etc... im sure that ive seen her had sex with 100 different guys through my minds eye. Ive suspected damn near all her male acquaintances. So my mind is torturing me.

anyway i cant sleep so thought id check in here. And seeing as someone asked me how it was going i thought id leave a message.

are you disappointed?

i bet alot of you are cursing me right now and asking yourself why i havent left yet. I told her the other day: this trust thing is whats killing this relationship, cus we share our positions through find my phone, but im certain i can only trust her as long as she knows that i know where she is at all times. Which is ironic and really sad.

i still am unemployed due to covid. My bosses told me they would take me back in september due to uncertain times.

i want to leave her because of all that has happened, but at the same time im scared s***less of splitting up from her and my son whom ive spent the last 16 years of my life with. If you cant understand that, then youre not human. 

so to summarize:

i want to leave her but at this time im not economically able to. And if i was i dont even kmow if i would be able to mentally. At the same time i know i should. Its a tough fact of life.

im sure alot of other people out there has gone through the same thing, and dealt with the same issues, and moved out and everything worked out in their favor, and i envy them.

At this time it seems like things are almost back to normal here (sadly). I mean, as soon as my mind taps me and goes «pssst, dont forget, your wife did this» and starts lining guys up and asking «was this the guy? Maybe this is the guy? What about this guy?» my whole day is f*cked. So i do my best to push those thoughts aside. Then something takes a hold, and wont let go. And i cant sleep.

there you go.

im going to update on my situation if anyone is interested. Hope everyone is doing good. 

On 6/13/2020 at 12:35 PM, Buffer said:

Brother, how is it going?

Buffer

[blueplant]

Hey

i wish she did something to ease my mind.

when i found out, it seemed as if she just wanted to ignore the whole thing. Untill a few days passed and a bottle of wine cracked the case wide open. 

when i told her it was over, that was when she swore to change.

but i want her to go to a psychiatrist. But i dont want her to because i tell her to, but to show me that she wants to change for the better.

but no, none of that.

and only a week ago she wondered if i still think about it. I told her its all i think about. She seemed surprised by it and started crying.

you know, this is what bothers me the most. The fact she doesnt really show remorse. Shes sad im sad, but not that she did it, you know?

im sure she would keep going if it wasnt for the risk i would find out.

i will never trust her again.

and the not knowing part is the worst. It eats you up inside. Its My own personal hell.

thanks for letting me share my thoughts.

[schlumpy]

I know you say you want to leave but your actions are saying the opposite.

I don't know what you have to work with here except the hope that time will change her and your situation. It undoubtedly will. Just not in the way you think. You will regret the time you lost.

Since you are staying, you need to focus on yourself and not your wife. Quit worrying about what she's doing or who's she doing it with. 

Insert yourself into your son's life as much as he will allow and turn to other things. Go back to school and study something you have an interest in. Plan some solo vacations. Concentrate on making your pursuits in life personally worthwhile. Haven't you always wanted to experience an erupting volcano or see a glacier calving ice into the ocean? 

Consider your relationship open and be open, until your wife begs you to close it.

There is someone out there that is craving your company. You just have to send the right signals.

Ditch the wedding band because it's a meaningless impediment.

Forge a different path and let her decide to stay in the marriage instead of you.

[oldlion]

You are one of the many men I have read about whose wife decided that she and you had an open marriage. She just failed to tell you about it and you failed to recognize what was taking place. Then when you did find out you refused to accept it. It's time to decide if you want to be in this arrangement or not. If you chose to stay with her then tell her if she strays again then you will consider it as an open invitation to pursue other women as sexual partners. I have always considered that if I can no longer trust someone then they can no longer trust me either. People always ask "what should I do". What you should do is follow the advice you would give someone else if they were in your situation and they ask you for your advice. Everyone reaches a point in their life when they have to make an important choice. The choices available may all be bad choices but you still have to chose. You make the choice that is best for you and those that depend on you. Just consider that whatever the choice you make is the one you have to live with. I do wish you well.

[JS84]

No one here is cursung you. We have no skin in your marriage. But the way you're handling this? Don't be shocked when she cheats on you again.