I suspect my wife and my best friend had an affair

[blueplant]

Hey.

 

i suspect my wife and my best friend has had an affair a few years ago. The reason being i recently caught my wife cheating, and im just now starting to understand what kind of person she is. And i am seeing all the clues and all the comments and situations over the years in a new light. Ive been very naiv.

So I want to use her phone to text my best friend to find out if they had something going on. Just to see how deep this rabbit hole goes.

some of my ideas so far are:

- hi. Mike (me) just found a bunch of old messages between you and me on an old cell phone. He thinks we have had something going on. Has he talked to you about it?
 

- hi, Mike (me) is gone for the weekend. What are you up to?

 

you know. Stuff like that. It would have to seem natural though so maybe talk casually first like «whats going on» and so forth.

why i even bother?

well ive known this guy for 31 years. My wife for 16 years. I feel like i have a right to know if he f***ed my wife.

also.

no i can not just ask them. They would of course just lie about it. 

Please let me know if you have any ideas for what i could text to find out if she cheated on me with this guy, thanks

[schlumpy]

My suggestion is that you find something else to keep yourself busy.

If you are unwilling to take any action except to play games, then the rest of your life will be sneaking up on your wife, trying to read her cell phone over her shoulder or feed your fantasies with the few words you overhear in a conversation.

I think you enjoy this. It's like one of those mystery plays that you can participate in.

If you have evidence your wife is unfaithful, call it quits. Have her served. You don't need pictures to walk away. 

[regine_phalange]

I absolutely feel bad for your son who had to witness your fight. He's very young to be exposed to this drama, and he should be priority #1. The three of you should go counselling together so that he does not end up with issues. A divorce looks like the best route, I don't think tour wife will ever change. 

[Crazelnut]

Your initial pain was caused by your wife's cheating. But once you gave into your fears and chose to avoid taking any action, YOU became the source of your own pain. You are causing your own pain now. 

All this sleuthing around your friend is pointless. If you find out he banged your wife, what will you do? Nothing, as you've already demonstrated. Just cause yourself more pain. Do yourself a favor -- if you're going to stay in this marriage, learn to mentally ignore her cheating. Learn to stop obsessing over your friend and her. In short, learn to let it go. You've made your bed, and now you have to learn to lie in it. 

[smackie9]

Your son is 16+ not 6. He understands why people divorce. And btw your relationship with him won't stop, he's old enough to make his own decisions, it won't be up to her. Putting restrictions on your wife by short of putting a tracking device on her...you may as well call it serving time in a prison. You can only cage a bird for so long before it will want to fly away again. None of what you are doing is going to help your situation. Accept the reality, this marriage is over. She's only being sweet because she knows, she will have to fend for herself....she is in survival mode. As for the pandemic, move out when you get your job back. You have 2 months to start planning/looking for places to rent/talk to a lawyer.

Edited July 1, 2020 by smackie9

[notbroken]

The mind movies you are playing will destroy you over time.   They will absolutely beat you down in ways you can't yet understand.  For your own integrity and self image,  give your wife some consequences - like a divorce.    Show your son that a man shouldn't take BS - and what she has done is BS.  Likely a serial cheater.   You'll never trust her again and the knowledge of that will whittle away at your self esteem.  RUN - as fast as you possibly can.   Tell her exactly why too - she is a liar and a cheat and you can't be with her because of it. 

[Dork Vader]

I'm sure you're not going to see this but on the off chance you do.. I'll say this.. People who cheat always blame their spouse/lover for the affair. It's because you're paranoid, it's because this or that. But the simple truth is, they chose to cheat. Whether or not they have justified issues with the relationship they are currently in, they chose to deal with it by cheating. People who don't cheat will try and fix the relationship. If the relationship can not be repaired, they will ultimately end the relationship. It's not your fault, no matter what imperfections you might have. Sure there might be some exceptions, how ever those are extremely rare. Your wife is not an exception, she has shown repeatedly that she can't remain faithful to one man.  

Being in relationships with cheaters is also difficult. Once they are caught destroy every ounce of trust you had built with them. That in itself creates problems for the relationship. No one likes to be in the position of not being trusted to go out with friends or even on social media. Trust is something that takes time to build and it takes effort to maintain. Trust is also very much like glass, once it's been shattered it's impossible to piece it back together again the way it once was. The best you can do is start from scratch and rebuild it, but even then the trust is going to be on shaky ground and for good reason.

I have only dated 1 cheater in which things turned around. She owned up to it on her own. She understood that I had no reason to trust her and was really putting in the long term effort to rebuild that trust.

The other difficulty in cheating, is that you have to forgive them. Forgiveness is often easier said then done, many people claim to do it but few actually do. Once you have truly forgiven them, you can't hold the cheating over their head. You can't use their past mistakes to justify things you want to do. If you do, that's being vindictive, using your past pain to make you feel better today. 

It will never get better with this woman. Your therapist was trying to point towards that conclusion and let you decide whether or not you wanted to stay in a relationship with a person who is going to cheat throughout your relationship. Therapist won't make that decision for you. But they will inform you that you likely won't be able to trust them again, that they likely will do this again and that you have to make a decision on whether or not you want to be okay with that.

Edited September 10, 2020 by Dork Vader