I suspect my wife and my best friend had an affair

[mark clemson]

Respectfully, it actually DOES accomplish something, which is letting the person know you won't actually follow through so that they don't take your word seriously. Any good negotiator knows that if you take a hard position generally you need to be willing to stick to it.

[Buffer]

Brother, how is it going?

Buffer

[Honest_Interest]

Mods should close this off... this is of no help now

[blueplant]

Hey

writing this on my phone so bear with me. Its 5 am here and im having trouble sleeping. Woke up an hour ago. Im on a boattrip with a friend of mine with me, my wife and son and him with his son and wife.

what has happened is we are trying to live a normal life together. My wife is apparently trying to do better.

But im still struggling alot, in my mind im seeing all these people, my best friend whom i suspect has had an affair with her (if you think about it enough it almost becomes a clear memory, as if it really happened), the guy she showed me on her phone etc... im sure that ive seen her had sex with 100 different guys through my minds eye. Ive suspected damn near all her male acquaintances. So my mind is torturing me.

anyway i cant sleep so thought id check in here. And seeing as someone asked me how it was going i thought id leave a message.

are you disappointed?

i bet alot of you are cursing me right now and asking yourself why i havent left yet. I told her the other day: this trust thing is whats killing this relationship, cus we share our positions through find my phone, but im certain i can only trust her as long as she knows that i know where she is at all times. Which is ironic and really sad.

i still am unemployed due to covid. My bosses told me they would take me back in september due to uncertain times.

i want to leave her because of all that has happened, but at the same time im scared s***less of splitting up from her and my son whom ive spent the last 16 years of my life with. If you cant understand that, then youre not human. 

so to summarize:

i want to leave her but at this time im not economically able to. And if i was i dont even kmow if i would be able to mentally. At the same time i know i should. Its a tough fact of life.

im sure alot of other people out there has gone through the same thing, and dealt with the same issues, and moved out and everything worked out in their favor, and i envy them.

At this time it seems like things are almost back to normal here (sadly). I mean, as soon as my mind taps me and goes «pssst, dont forget, your wife did this» and starts lining guys up and asking «was this the guy? Maybe this is the guy? What about this guy?» my whole day is f*cked. So i do my best to push those thoughts aside. Then something takes a hold, and wont let go. And i cant sleep.

there you go.

im going to update on my situation if anyone is interested. Hope everyone is doing good. 

On 6/13/2020 at 12:35 PM, Buffer said:

Brother, how is it going?

Buffer

[S2B]

Why don’t you have your wife take a polygraph? That way you can get real answers to questions you have - and stop torturing yourself with wondering.

What is she doing to give you peace of mind? What info has she offered to you to put your mind at ease? How has she been earning back your trust? If she isn’t, there’s no reason to continue.

its not a scary as you think (leaving) - in fact - the no longer wondering is completely worth it.

[blueplant]

Hey

i wish she did something to ease my mind.

when i found out, it seemed as if she just wanted to ignore the whole thing. Untill a few days passed and a bottle of wine cracked the case wide open. 

when i told her it was over, that was when she swore to change.

but i want her to go to a psychiatrist. But i dont want her to because i tell her to, but to show me that she wants to change for the better.

but no, none of that.

and only a week ago she wondered if i still think about it. I told her its all i think about. She seemed surprised by it and started crying.

you know, this is what bothers me the most. The fact she doesnt really show remorse. Shes sad im sad, but not that she did it, you know?

im sure she would keep going if it wasnt for the risk i would find out.

i will never trust her again.

and the not knowing part is the worst. It eats you up inside. Its My own personal hell.

thanks for letting me share my thoughts.

[schlumpy]

I know you say you want to leave but your actions are saying the opposite.

I don't know what you have to work with here except the hope that time will change her and your situation. It undoubtedly will. Just not in the way you think. You will regret the time you lost.

Since you are staying, you need to focus on yourself and not your wife. Quit worrying about what she's doing or who's she doing it with. 

Insert yourself into your son's life as much as he will allow and turn to other things. Go back to school and study something you have an interest in. Plan some solo vacations. Concentrate on making your pursuits in life personally worthwhile. Haven't you always wanted to experience an erupting volcano or see a glacier calving ice into the ocean? 

Consider your relationship open and be open, until your wife begs you to close it.

There is someone out there that is craving your company. You just have to send the right signals.

Ditch the wedding band because it's a meaningless impediment.

Forge a different path and let her decide to stay in the marriage instead of you.

[oldlion]

You are one of the many men I have read about whose wife decided that she and you had an open marriage. She just failed to tell you about it and you failed to recognize what was taking place. Then when you did find out you refused to accept it. It's time to decide if you want to be in this arrangement or not. If you chose to stay with her then tell her if she strays again then you will consider it as an open invitation to pursue other women as sexual partners. I have always considered that if I can no longer trust someone then they can no longer trust me either. People always ask "what should I do". What you should do is follow the advice you would give someone else if they were in your situation and they ask you for your advice. Everyone reaches a point in their life when they have to make an important choice. The choices available may all be bad choices but you still have to chose. You make the choice that is best for you and those that depend on you. Just consider that whatever the choice you make is the one you have to live with. I do wish you well.

[JS84]

No one here is cursung you. We have no skin in your marriage. But the way you're handling this? Don't be shocked when she cheats on you again.

[blueplant]

Hey.

 

i suspect my wife and my best friend has had an affair a few years ago. The reason being i recently caught my wife cheating, and im just now starting to understand what kind of person she is. And i am seeing all the clues and all the comments and situations over the years in a new light. Ive been very naiv.

So I want to use her phone to text my best friend to find out if they had something going on. Just to see how deep this rabbit hole goes.

some of my ideas so far are:

- hi. Mike (me) just found a bunch of old messages between you and me on an old cell phone. He thinks we have had something going on. Has he talked to you about it?
 

- hi, Mike (me) is gone for the weekend. What are you up to?

 

you know. Stuff like that. It would have to seem natural though so maybe talk casually first like «whats going on» and so forth.

why i even bother?

well ive known this guy for 31 years. My wife for 16 years. I feel like i have a right to know if he f***ed my wife.

also.

no i can not just ask them. They would of course just lie about it. 

Please let me know if you have any ideas for what i could text to find out if she cheated on me with this guy, thanks

[schlumpy]

My suggestion is that you find something else to keep yourself busy.

If you are unwilling to take any action except to play games, then the rest of your life will be sneaking up on your wife, trying to read her cell phone over her shoulder or feed your fantasies with the few words you overhear in a conversation.

I think you enjoy this. It's like one of those mystery plays that you can participate in.

If you have evidence your wife is unfaithful, call it quits. Have her served. You don't need pictures to walk away. 

[regine_phalange]

I absolutely feel bad for your son who had to witness your fight. He's very young to be exposed to this drama, and he should be priority #1. The three of you should go counselling together so that he does not end up with issues. A divorce looks like the best route, I don't think tour wife will ever change. 

[Crazelnut]

Your initial pain was caused by your wife's cheating. But once you gave into your fears and chose to avoid taking any action, YOU became the source of your own pain. You are causing your own pain now. 

All this sleuthing around your friend is pointless. If you find out he banged your wife, what will you do? Nothing, as you've already demonstrated. Just cause yourself more pain. Do yourself a favor -- if you're going to stay in this marriage, learn to mentally ignore her cheating. Learn to stop obsessing over your friend and her. In short, learn to let it go. You've made your bed, and now you have to learn to lie in it. 

[smackie9]

Your son is 16+ not 6. He understands why people divorce. And btw your relationship with him won't stop, he's old enough to make his own decisions, it won't be up to her. Putting restrictions on your wife by short of putting a tracking device on her...you may as well call it serving time in a prison. You can only cage a bird for so long before it will want to fly away again. None of what you are doing is going to help your situation. Accept the reality, this marriage is over. She's only being sweet because she knows, she will have to fend for herself....she is in survival mode. As for the pandemic, move out when you get your job back. You have 2 months to start planning/looking for places to rent/talk to a lawyer.

Edited July 1, 2020 by smackie9

[notbroken]

The mind movies you are playing will destroy you over time.   They will absolutely beat you down in ways you can't yet understand.  For your own integrity and self image,  give your wife some consequences - like a divorce.    Show your son that a man shouldn't take BS - and what she has done is BS.  Likely a serial cheater.   You'll never trust her again and the knowledge of that will whittle away at your self esteem.  RUN - as fast as you possibly can.   Tell her exactly why too - she is a liar and a cheat and you can't be with her because of it. 

[S2B]

Why didn’t you divorce your wife when she showed you plenty of evidence she isn’t capable of being a faithful wife?

i can’t understand why people expect anything different... of course she will cheat! She is always gonna cheat! She is the kind of person who should NEVER marry unless she fully exposes that she isn’t capable of fidelity.

divorce her!

[S2B]

The ONLY question you need to ask yourself is “HOW can I change this”? 
the obvious answer is to get that divorce finalized ASAP.

no, don’t ask your ‘friend’ - assumes he did/he did.

get them both out of your life as much as possible.

[Dork Vader]

I'm sure you're not going to see this but on the off chance you do.. I'll say this.. People who cheat always blame their spouse/lover for the affair. It's because you're paranoid, it's because this or that. But the simple truth is, they chose to cheat. Whether or not they have justified issues with the relationship they are currently in, they chose to deal with it by cheating. People who don't cheat will try and fix the relationship. If the relationship can not be repaired, they will ultimately end the relationship. It's not your fault, no matter what imperfections you might have. Sure there might be some exceptions, how ever those are extremely rare. Your wife is not an exception, she has shown repeatedly that she can't remain faithful to one man.  

Being in relationships with cheaters is also difficult. Once they are caught destroy every ounce of trust you had built with them. That in itself creates problems for the relationship. No one likes to be in the position of not being trusted to go out with friends or even on social media. Trust is something that takes time to build and it takes effort to maintain. Trust is also very much like glass, once it's been shattered it's impossible to piece it back together again the way it once was. The best you can do is start from scratch and rebuild it, but even then the trust is going to be on shaky ground and for good reason.

I have only dated 1 cheater in which things turned around. She owned up to it on her own. She understood that I had no reason to trust her and was really putting in the long term effort to rebuild that trust.

The other difficulty in cheating, is that you have to forgive them. Forgiveness is often easier said then done, many people claim to do it but few actually do. Once you have truly forgiven them, you can't hold the cheating over their head. You can't use their past mistakes to justify things you want to do. If you do, that's being vindictive, using your past pain to make you feel better today. 

It will never get better with this woman. Your therapist was trying to point towards that conclusion and let you decide whether or not you wanted to stay in a relationship with a person who is going to cheat throughout your relationship. Therapist won't make that decision for you. But they will inform you that you likely won't be able to trust them again, that they likely will do this again and that you have to make a decision on whether or not you want to be okay with that.

Edited September 10, 2020 by Dork Vader