Looking for guidance on a stubborn woman.

[holms]

First of all, my ex and I have been broken up for a whole month now. We will call her "K" for this. The mother of my kids, and my ex from the distant past I will call "J". I went NC with K but she would reach out every week mainly about financial stuff. I do still owe her $500 for my phone, which I will pay her for no matter what, that is not the type of person I am.

Without getting into the dirty details on this post, I do have a post about our initial breakup if anyone cares to read it Here.

So a bit of an update and the advice I am seeking in the first place.

After a full month, I finally got K to talk to me on the phone, not just texting. For a few weeks I had thought she was completely shut down and looked at me with indifferace which would be a bad sign. But no, she had a lot of hatred to my ex J and hated that I never took steps to shut her down so to speak. Well, I have now. During our initial fight that led to the breakup with K I again contacted a lawyer and had her draw up papers to add to my original court order with J which in essence will force her to keep her end of the Court Order for the kids and limit all contact with me strictly to emergencies. None of these 2AM angry novel long texts, and absolutely no contact with others in my life that have nothing to do with our kids.... none at all. J would constantly take shots at K in her messages because she is quite a toxic person that can't let things go. These are steps that K had wanted me to take for quite a while. 

In my conversation with K since I am now past all the hurt and confusion, I did apologize for my part of the breakup. Never once did I bring up her parts but she did. I brought up about 8 things that I could have and should have done differently or not at all. She honestly listened to me, and she honestly brought up a few things on her end that she could have done differently. In all, it was a good conversation and we seemed to have gotten a lot out. I did point out that a lot of our issues stemmed from J being the way she was and K agreed. Other than that, our relationship was great. Her family and friends liked me, my family and friends liked her, etc. I mean we did have some minor issues here and there but we NEVER went to bed angry, ever. Not until the last few months. There was never a breakdown in communication but there did seem to be a breakdown in getting through to each other near the end, and there were a few nights I would wake up to find her sleeping on the couch. Near the end it seemed we were both just distancing ourselves.

Well, in my month of reflection I did come to conclusion that I did have a part to play in this breakdown, it was not just all K. Honestly, for quite a while she was putting in A LOT of effort to make things work and I was the one who was shut down. When I talked to her I did point these things out and wanted to apologize sincerely for my part. She accepted and told me that she always forgave me for my wrong doings, but that is where she also pointed out where she was kind of acting in the wrong way at times. She also pointed out and I am a very kind and wonderful man. She never said that she loves me though, although I do know she does. It was just 4 months ago over Valentine's Day weekend when her uncle died and she had to fly to New Mexico for the funeral that she confessed that she felt herself falling so deeply for me. We only got the morning of Feb 14th to see each other, and went out the following weekend to a resort hotel. I really came through for her that weekend as I took care of both my kids and her kids all weekend long while she was with family grieving. We were in constant contact all weekend and when she came home that following Monday and I was at her house she dove into my arms when she arrived. 

Long story short, in my conversation with K I again told her that I accept the breakup but it's not what I want. I confessed that I wish for one more honest solid shot at us and she did say without hesitating that she would think about it. Now for her this is big. She is the type that when her mind is made up there is no moving her. I have always made the joke that she is "Taurus Stubborn." I do want one more shot at a second beginning with her, but things do have to change with both of us. I already have taken steps to change myself as I have issued the paperwork to my original court order with J and I am starting therapy on the 1st of July. If K and I could get back to the way things were last summer I could really see a lasting future with her, but there are things she needs to do within herself for that to work.

I know a lot of this is just me venting, and to a point it feels nice to get it out so to speak, but to anyone reading this, do you think I may have a shot at this? I do want back what we once had and I am willing to put in the work on my end because I am not perfect. 

[Mystery4u]

From reading your previous post, forget about J, K is the crazyyyy one.

An ex is an ex for a reason. You were clearly not in a happy relationship. Stop trying to 'get back to the way things were' because it never will be. You are wasting your time.

You don't break up and make up with someone you are meant to be with.

Find someone who you are more compatible with.

[holms]

No other advice?

[preraph]

I think you need to let her know you're doing what you can with the court order with J, but there is always a chance it won't get granted, so I wouldn't try getting back with her unless it does.  I do think that was probably a huge reason.  I know I can't tolerate a man who won't stop interacting more than necessary with exes who cause trouble as your ex does.  I couldn't.  If they were friendly, that would be one thing.  So it's a huge huge thing.  

 

When will you know if the order is in place?  I assume there's some court hearings first.  Hope you used an attorney.  But when will you know?  I would tell her, Here is when the hearing is.  I don't expect you to agree to anything until and unless I get this locked down, but Will you give us another chance without this bad toxicity in our relationship?  Because I feel if we don't try, we'll always wonder.  Keep her well informed along the way.  And if you want to, offer to do counseling, but sounds like you're talking it out pretty well.  Good luck!  Jeez, your life should be much happier, especially if you end up only communicating on one of those divorce websites via email unless it's an actual kid emergency.  That controls a lot of nonsense!  Hold J to the agreement no matter what and that means you have to stick with yours.  If you start doing favors for each other, it will all dissinigrate.

[holms]

J and I already have court documents that establish custody, placement, and child support. The papers I had a lawyer draw up are basically like an amendment to the original order. It reinforces custody and such, but adds to the communication part. J cannot communicate in a civil manner more often than not, and this drove K insane. The letter went out last week and J has a week to contact my lawyer to either agree to these stipulations or we will once again end up in court. I am mainly doing this for my own sanity and not K's but it was always a thorn in her side.

[kendahke]

My question is: if K was the person you most wanted to be with, why did it take until she dumped you for you to gather up J's ends? Why were you content to let J disrupt K's peace the way you let her? 

I wouldn't put too much stock in K's "I'll think about it" response. She most likely will not agree to anything until you present concrete proof that K is gathered, bagged and launched to the Oort Cloud.

[kendahke]

49 minutes ago, kendahke said:

that K is gathered,

*that J is gathered, that should say