Am I reasonable to be upset that my parents visit my sister and her new children, yet socially distance from me?

[Lurve]

Background story: I am in my early 40s and do not have children. My sister just had her first (mid-30s) and my parens are over the moon at finally being grandparents.

They are so obsessed with the baby and my sister/her husband that they don't have anything else to talk about. I am often excluded from important news and get-togethers. 

My parents are in high risk COVID group. I understood this and they didn't want me to visit them or them to visit me for over 3 months. I recently found out that they have been visiting with my sister/husband/baby all along. I feel betrayed and I have flat out told them many times that I live alone and this level of isolation is making me really depressed.

I have tried to talk to them but my mum gets upset, tells me that I am unreasonable and then gets chest pains after which all conversation is over. I am so sad that we used be a close family...

The only solution I see is to distance myself form them so that it doesn't hurt as much,

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I'm so sorry :(.  This must be very, very hurtful.  I agree your best course of action right now is to distance yourself so it doesn't hurt so much :(.  If you feel like you can handle it emotionally, once things get a little back to normal, throw yourself into loving that baby, too.  If you're longing for a child yourself, this would be especially difficult, though, I get it.  Be kind to yourself....anyone would be feeling hurt in your shoes.  

[FMW]

I don't have any advice, but I wanted to say of course it's reasonable to be upset, it's very hurtful I'm sure.  

[schlumpy]

My sister has been in a similar situation as you described for years. Her daughter-in-law restricts her access to the grandchild unless she can use her. That use is normally baby sitting services so the DIL can play or the free entertainment for the grandchild because he loves the swimming pool at my Sister's Condo.

Never does she get to be with him the way grandparents usually do.

My advice to her was to quit saying yes. When the DIL calls because she has a girls night out, just say no, that you have other plans. My sister panicked at the very idea. She felt that she might lose all access if she were to act in such a fashion.

After many months of tear filled phone calls to my wife, she did exactly what I suggested last month and she was delighted with how it made her feel. She told us how empowering it was to say no to her DIL and how shocked her DIL was.

I tried to tamp down her enthusiasm pointing out that this tactic is not meant for revenge but only to get acknowledgement from her DIL that she has some worth beyond the uses her DIL has for her. If she uses no sparingly the relationship should get better.

I see the same lack of respect being displayed towards you. Do you have any idea why they would do this? Do you feel treated as if you are there for their use? Do they act as if you have nothing to contribute?

You either have to live with the status Quo or figure out a way to get them to recognize your worth as a family member.

They need to respect you.

Edited June 27, 2020 by schlumpy

[BaileyB]

As someone in a similar circumstance, childless and my brother has three children - this would have destroyed me. 

It is hard not to feel “left out” at the best of times. And, it’s hard not to feel like you’ve “lost” the closeness you felt as a nuclear family. Oh, I remember the day my brother said he didn’t want to spend Christmas morning together. They wanted that time as a family, which I understood, but it meant that I was home alone on Christmas morning. It hurt, and he didn’t really understand how much.  

If I would have kept my distance from my parents because it’s in their best interest only to learn that they have been gathering all along... boy. That’s hard. You have every right to be upset. I’m sorry that your family hasn’t been more understanding and compassionate. I would like to say that you should keep your distance from them, but I know that a difficult thing to do. I say, do whatever feels best to you - whatever you need for your own mental health and well-being. 

[Ellener]

They are just in love with the new child, don't take it too personally. It probably would not make you happy to be around them all right now, new parents/grandparents can be boring with their assumption everyone is as interested in the baby as they are. 

What are you going to do to cope with lockdown loneliness?

[d0nnivain]

I agree the new baby is a huge draw.  That said in the nicer weather, there should be more options.  Ask your parents if you can bring a chair & your own drinks then sit in the yard or a nearby park with them.  Tell them you miss them & want to hear about the baby (even if you don't) 

[healing light]

That's crap. Sorry, I don't have anything positive to say about this. I'm sorry if you feel like they assign less worth to you because of your sister's kids. Just know that you're still valuable and lovable even if their behavior makes you feel otherwise.

[Ruby Slippers]

This is really sad. I'm sorry it's happening to you. 

[Juha]

That is pretty despicable of your parents to be perfectly honest.

 

These seem to not listen to you nor care about you.

 

Have you talked with your sister about this?

Maybe she can mediate and can make your parents understand how hurtful their actions are for you

I would have a heart to heart if possible with them

If nothing changes then may be time to distance from them if they are hurting you that much with their actions

 

[stillafool]

I think the parents are just head over heels for that baby.  I was the youngest in my family and was always kind of babied.  Once one of my brothers married and had their first child it was over for me.  My parents fell head over heels for him and then all the grand kids after that.  I didn't really mind because I was head over heels for the babies too.  It's kind of a part of life if you ask me.  But, no one deserves to be purposely excluded.

[CaliforniaGirl]

I can't even. This is...beyond.

Yes. You have a right to be upset.

I almost cried reading your post.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 6/27/2020 at 8:45 AM, Lurve said:

Background story: I am in my early 40s and do not have children. My sister just had her first (mid-30s) and my parens are over the moon at finally being grandparents.

They are so obsessed with the baby and my sister/her husband that they don't have anything else to talk about. I am often excluded from important news and get-togethers. 

My parents are in high risk COVID group. I understood this and they didn't want me to visit them or them to visit me for over 3 months. I recently found out that they have been visiting with my sister/husband/baby all along. I feel betrayed and I have flat out told them many times that I live alone and this level of isolation is making me really depressed.

I have tried to talk to them but my mum gets upset, tells me that I am unreasonable and then gets chest pains after which all conversation is over. I am so sad that we used be a close family...

The only solution I see is to distance myself form them so that it doesn't hurt as much,

 

I don't think its fair to categorize a brand new baby in the context one might use with pre-teen kids who are perfectly capable and willing to race out and gather with other kids.

The "new children" are not in this case aggravating the chances that (your parents) get Covid from these visits.

 

They do, however, sorta add something to one side of the 'scale' as you weigh the parents' interest in visiting you, compared to visiting your sister.

 

 

And I don't think we know enough about your weekly routine to pin all of this on raw unfairness.

 

(for example, if you are a grocery checker...  meeting hundreds of people a day...    that would alter the equation)

 

Also, it really isn't fair of you to ever resent the baby for all of this.

 

If you guys are all as close as you sense, then it will blow over in time... and best that you don't have any grudges lingering as a result of it.

 

(if you're really pained by this...   GO to your parents house and tell them you are outside in front, and that they should mask-up and come out, because you (too) want to see them)

 

 

[pianomanwoman]

Could it be that they think its worth the risk? Foolish, but that's what it seems.  It has nothing to do with you, its the way they are. Accept the things you cannot change.  Also, if the virus is spread airborne, its better for you to say away from people who refused to wear masks and social distance. When there is a vaccine, you'll see your parents again, hopefully they will not get sick. Enjoy a telephone conversation with them, only tell them how much you love them and talk about the good times. Life is short..it was for 87 people today in West Palm Beach. Be patient, your parents love you so much they don't want to get you sick. (on an subconscious level)

[QuietRiot]

9 hours ago, pianomanwoman said:

Could it be that they think its worth the risk? Foolish, but that's what it seems.  It has nothing to do with you, its the way they are. Accept the things you cannot change.  Also, if the virus is spread airborne, its better for you to say away from people who refused to wear masks and social distance. When there is a vaccine, you'll see your parents again, hopefully they will not get sick. Enjoy a telephone conversation with them, only tell them how much you love them and talk about the good times. Life is short..it was for 87 people today in West Palm Beach. Be patient, your parents love you so much they don't want to get you sick. (on an subconscious level)

When you say, "when there's a vaccine" unfortunately, when a Vaccine does come out, you'll get people who will refuse to get it because they don't trust it. Some may even think it may be dangerous since it's not 100% effective. They claim it may take years before it'll be at the level of effectiveness that they would want it. 

Edited August 19, 2020 by QuietRiot

[Acacia98]

On 6/27/2020 at 6:45 PM, Lurve said:

I am often excluded from important news and get-togethers. 

My parents are in high risk COVID group. I understood this and they didn't want me to visit them or them to visit me for over 3 months. I recently found out that they have been visiting with my sister/husband/baby all along. I feel betrayed and I have flat out told them many times that I live alone and this level of isolation is making me really depressed.

I have tried to talk to them but my mum gets upset, tells me that I am unreasonable and then gets chest pains after which all conversation is over. I am so sad that we used be a close family...

I'm so sorry, Lurve. I can actually see why new grandparents might throw caution to the wind and change their minds about social distancing to see the baby. But, under normal circumstances, I think there is room for even such grandparents to be aware of how it might make their other child feel and to try not to make him/her feel excluded. More  considerate parents might have talked to you about it, might have sounded apologetic, etc.

I get the impression that it's not the first time your parents are doing something like this. This is a pre-existing family dynamic, right? This tendency to obviously favor one child and simultaneously devalue another or to feign physical illness when someone else expresses their hurt?

Edited August 19, 2020 by Acacia98
Correcting a typo

[elaine567]

7 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

I get the impression that it's not the first time your parents are doing something like this. This is a pre-existing family dynamic, right--this tendency to obviously favor one child and simultaneously devalue another or to feign physical illness when someone else expresses their hurt?

I agree.
Whilst the pandemic has brought some closer together I do think it has also given some the opportunity to put distance into relationships that may not have been working for them.
i think most parents like to parent and to found a "dynasty", with them at the head.
Grandkids are the legacy, they carry the genes into the future. Babies and young kids are also interesting, exciting,  and fun...
They love the grand kids and so will heap time and attention and love on the new family.
However an older single child with no kids is a dead end, there can be a sense of failure on the part of the parents, there is no hope for the future,
They may go through the motions, but when the chips are down, as with this crisis, they took up the drawbridge to concentrate on what really matters to them... and that is the sister with the baby...
If the parents end up needing help and care as they age, then they may enlist the "childless one " to provide that care...

 

[Els]

I'll be honest, when I read your thread title my thought was: "I only WISH my parents did not want to visit!!"...

But, it seems like you enjoy spending time with yours, so I do feel for you. I'm sorry they are treating you this way. It's awful of them to be blatantly treating their children so unfairly and to evade you when you have told them you need help, but my thoughts are also that if they are the sort of people who can and will do that, do you really want them to be a priority in your life? What about instead giving your time and energy to others who will treat you right, who will make you a priority the way you make them yours?

Friends, partners, and even pets - those are the families that we get to choose. We don't get to choose our parents or the way they treat us, but we do get to choose how much impact we want to let their behaviour have on our lives.

This year has certainly been a terrible one. Many hugs and I hope things get better for you.

Edited August 19, 2020 by Elswyth

[Eternal Sunshine]

On 8/19/2020 at 8:55 PM, elaine567 said:

I agree.
Whilst the pandemic has brought some closer together I do think it has also given some the opportunity to put distance into relationships that may not have been working for them.
i think most parents like to parent and to found a "dynasty", with them at the head.
Grandkids are the legacy, they carry the genes into the future. Babies and young kids are also interesting, exciting,  and fun...
They love the grand kids and so will heap time and attention and love on the new family.
However an older single child with no kids is a dead end, there can be a sense of failure on the part of the parents, there is no hope for the future,
They may go through the motions, but when the chips are down, as with this crisis, they took up the drawbridge to concentrate on what really matters to them... and that is the sister with the baby...
If the parents end up needing help and care as they age, then they may enlist the "childless one " to provide that care...

 

So people measure success in life by how many kids you have and you are seen as a failure (by parents nonetheless) if you are an older single without kids? And there is no hope for the future no matter what the kid-less adult does with their life? Wow.

I thought we no longer lived in the dark ages.

[elaine567]

I said parents can see it that way, not all parents see it that way...