Would you give a second chance?

[Hollywood-Tourist]

Generally speaking, would you give a second chance in a relationship if your partner had a few 'flaws' that bugged you?

I'm not talking about cheating on someone etc, but if the thing that hurt them was less serious and detrimental to the relationship and something that could be overcome with space and time, could you forgive them providing that the other person put in the hard work to change themselves?

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm assuming I wouldn't have ended it over a few "flaws", but rather the fact that these flaws had bothered me enough to the point that I lost interest. 

It's not always a matter of forgiving someone, in other words. It's also a question of too little romantic interest anymore. 

[basil67]

Your description of the problem is confusing.  I can't comment without more info

[Emilie Jolie]

16 hours ago, Hollywood-Tourist said:

Generally speaking, would you give a second chance in a relationship if your partner had a few 'flaws' that bugged you?

Depends on your understanding of a 'flaw', I guess, but on the face of it, from experience, no. You either are fine with the flaw on balance, or you aren't. There is no fitting a square peg in a round whole. 

My illustration: My ex was a good guy overall if a bit too sarcastic, accomplished, smart, sincere, with a solid moral compass, the type who 'wore his heart on his sleeve'. Unfortunately, he never really got over being cheated on. As our relationship progressed, he became more and more unsettled - at first the jealousy was manageable, but then it slowly creeped into full blown paranoia to the point of checking confidential work emails and 'bumping into me' when I was out with friends just to ensure I was where I said I was ( I always was). I accommodated him as best I could but felt I had no privacy left, and was constantly fighting a losing battle trying to defend myself about stuff I hadn't done.

He was never aggressive physically or verbally, so I thought it was a temporary glitch, and that he would be able to relax with me in time upon seeing he could trust me. It never happened. I gave him a handful of 'second chances' because I really cared for him. Which, in hindsight, was more giving unwarranted benefit of the doubt and not having strong enough boundaries. there should not have been any second chances despite the pleadings.

what sort of 'flaw' did you have in mind, H-T?

[Hollywood-Tourist]

1 hour ago, Emilie Jolie said:

What sort of 'flaw' did you have in mind, H-T?

She thinks that I don't communicate very well with her. That is fairly true to an extent as I'm quiet by nature. I'm not incapable of communicating, rather I just tend to not always speak to her about minor things and let them slide without bringing it up with her which could have sorted a minor problem. 

She also thinks that I don't always express myself very well in the form of PDA etc. I told her at the start of our relationship that I did like PDA, but admittedly I don't always enjoy kissing in public, holding hands etc - I do occasionally but just not as often as she does, and this now seems to be a problem to her.

 

Edited June 28, 2020 by Hollywood-Tourist

[Emilie Jolie]

9 minutes ago, Hollywood-Tourist said:

She thinks that I don't communicate very well with her. That is fairly true to an extent as I'm quiet by nature. I'm not incapable of communicating, rather I just tend to not always speak to her about minor things and let them slide without bringing it up with her which could have sorted a minor problem. 

She also thinks that I don't always express myself very well in the form of PDA etc. I told her at the start of our relationship that I did like PDA, but admittedly I don't always enjoy kissing in public, holding hands etc - I do occasionally but just not as often as she does, and this now seems to be a problem to her.

 

Sounds like both those things can be worked on with a bit of good will, right? I wouldn't consider them flaws, just differences in communication. Can you meet her half-way?

[elaine567]

So are you thinking of forgiving her cheating and are now blaming yourself?

[Hollywood-Tourist]

15 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

Sounds like both those things can be worked on with a bit of good will, right? I wouldn't consider them flaws, just differences in communication. Can you meet her half-way?

Absolutely, these do strike me as things that can be worked on but aren't necessarily 'deal-breakers'. She can be a very stubborn woman but I'm sure in hindsight it would have been possible for her to compromise with me.

4 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

So are you thinking of forgiving her cheating and are now blaming yourself?

I am blaming myself for the points mentioned in this thread yes, but I won't and cannot forgive her for what she did with her colleague.

[Realitysux]

20 hours ago, Hollywood-Tourist said:

Generally speaking, would you give a second chance in a relationship if your partner had a few 'flaws' that bugged you?

I'm not talking about cheating on someone etc, but if the thing that hurt them was less serious and detrimental to the relationship and something that could be overcome with space and time, could you forgive them providing that the other person put in the hard work to change themselves?

The fact you are asking for advice on this is questionable. You can make your own decisions. 

[d0nnivain]

I do give 2nd chances but here even if you were a poor communicator who doesn't give enough PDA your GF should have mentioned those alleged flaws / problems months ago. That was the point where she should have given you the opportunity to address her concerns & maybe step up your communication.  There were things you could have done through lockdown to make her feel more loved from a distance.   Instead she hooked up with a young subordinate from work, got drunk & played games with you.  So no, she doesn't get a 2nd chance.  There were too many underlying points of failure & too many bad decisions on her part.  There was a right way to address her concerns inside your relationship.  Instead she applied a stick of dynamite.  

Onboard what she said & apply those lessons to your next relationship but no she doesn't get a 2nd chance.  

[Ruby Slippers]

Given your history with this woman, no, I would not give her a second chance. None of what she's complained about is any excuse for what she did. Not even close.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

17 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

I do give 2nd chances but here even if you were a poor communicator who doesn't give enough PDA your GF should have mentioned those alleged flaws / problems months ago. That was the point where she should have given you the opportunity to address her concerns & maybe step up your communication.  There were things you could have done through lockdown to make her feel more loved from a distance.   Instead she hooked up with a young subordinate from work, got drunk & played games with you.  So no, she doesn't get a 2nd chance.  There were too many underlying points of failure & too many bad decisions on her part.  There was a right way to address her concerns inside your relationship.  Instead she applied a stick of dynamite.  

Onboard what she said & apply those lessons to your next relationship but no she doesn't get a 2nd chance.  

I'm a believer in second chances too (depending on the nature of what requires a second chance.)

Looking back, I really don't know why she chose to keep her mouth shut and say nothing about the things that annoyed her if they were so important to her, she had plenty opportunity, but instead chose to remain silent.

If she had said to me at the time that she needed me to communicate better with her, then of course I would have taken that chance to do something about it. In a way I hold her responsible for this because I wasn't aware it was such an issue to her until recently.

I just feel like I'm being punished by her for her not meeting her needs when all she had to do was talk to me about it.

Thanks for your input though. 🙂 

[elaine567]

6 minutes ago, Hollywood-Tourist said:

Looking back, I really don't know why she chose to keep her mouth shut and say nothing about the things that annoyed her if they were so important to her, she had plenty opportunity, but instead chose to remain silent.

If she had said to me at the time that she needed me to communicate better with her, then of course I would have taken that chance to do something about it. In a way I hold her responsible for this because I wasn't aware it was such an issue to her until recently.

She is trying to  pass the buck.
She is piling her guilt onto you.
"If YOU had only acted better, then I wouldn't have felt the need to cheat on you..."

[Foxhall]

Yes I think you should be open to giving her a second chance,

my thoughts reading your other thread actually were that there was no movie night (or whatever it was) with the co-worker, that was merely a ruse to make you jealous, which backfired on her I suppose.

I felt you were overly rigid also the type of high moral ground stance you were taking about the proposed lockdown visits,(one boyfriend visit one girlfriend is no big deal in my opinion)

loosen up a little and see where it takes you.

It may be that the two of you are not particularly compatible anyway but Id be viewing it too soon to write it off just yet.

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, Hollywood-Tourist said:

Looking back, I really don't know why she chose to keep her mouth shut and say nothing about the things that annoyed her if they were so important to her, she had plenty opportunity, but instead chose to remain silent.

If she had said to me at the time that she needed me to communicate better with her, then of course I would have taken that chance to do something about it. In a way I hold her responsible for this because I wasn't aware it was such an issue to her until recently.

I just feel like I'm being punished by her for her not meeting her needs when all she had to do was talk to me about it.

Sometimes people like her want an "excuse" to cheat, so they come up with such things later on to make it seem like it was your fault. 

If she were truly invested in your relationship, she would have tried something to get you to meet her halfway. My guess is that she was already checking out and wanted a way to rationalize her bad behvaiour, so that's what she picked out of her hat. 

[kendahke]

On 6/27/2020 at 1:30 PM, Hollywood-Tourist said:

if your partner had a few 'flaws' that bugged you

yeah.... no.  She's reaching because she knows she's got to lay in that bed she made with her coworker.

Apples and oranges--she knew all that from the beginning and still stayed with you, so what does that say?

Was she sober when she sent that?

Edited July 1, 2020 by kendahke

[elaine567]

On 6/28/2020 at 10:53 PM, Foxhall said:

,(one boyfriend visit one girlfriend is no big deal in my opinion)

Not if the OP is in Wales and the gf is in England with a 350 mile trip in between.
The Welsh lockdown is still in place which limits travel to 5 miles and prohibits travel to England, it will be in place until July 6th.

Edited July 1, 2020 by elaine567

[mark clemson]

I haven't read all of your prior thread, but it very much sounds like, basically, she cheated on you and now is giving "reasons" that you are trying to "change" about yourself.

Honestly, it sounds like BS/misdirection on her part, as several folks have pointed out. She feels PDAs are missing, yet has a relationship that by it's nature must be kept secret???

While it's possible for a wayward partner to be justifiably unhappy, the decision to cheat on you was her choice. Nothing made her do that except a desire to.

I'm not sure if staying with you is "plan A" or "plan B" but if it was me, I wouldn't trust this woman. I'm not an expert on reconciliation, but going from what you've written in this thread, she doesn't sound very "remorseful" to me. (Maybe she showed strong remorse in ways that you explained in your other thread, in which case I may be wrong.)

[Hollywood-Tourist]

17 hours ago, kendahke said:

yeah.... no.  She's reaching because she knows she's got to lay in that bed she made with her coworker.

Apples and oranges--she knew all that from the beginning and still stayed with you, so what does that say?

Was she sober when she sent that?

As far as I know she was sober when she sent the message, yes. I don't know if I mentioned that she has had an issue with alcohol in the past, not a full blown alcoholic but has had some demons with it, not that that's an excuse.

17 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Not if the OP is in Wales and the gf is in England with a 350 mile trip in between.
The Welsh lockdown is still in place which limits travel to 5 miles and prohibits travel to England, it will be in place until July 6th.

Indeed, the travel restrictions are still very much in place with constant reviewing every 3 weeks.

16 hours ago, mark clemson said:

I haven't read all of your prior thread, but it very much sounds like, basically, she cheated on you and now is giving "reasons" that you are trying to "change" about yourself.

Honestly, it sounds like BS/misdirection on her part, as several folks have pointed out. She feels PDAs are missing, yet has a relationship that by it's nature must be kept secret???

While it's possible for a wayward partner to be justifiably unhappy, the decision to cheat on you was her choice. Nothing made her do that except a desire to.

I'm not sure if staying with you is "plan A" or "plan B" but if it was me, I wouldn't trust this woman. I'm not an expert on reconciliation, but going from what you've written in this thread, she doesn't sound very "remorseful" to me. (Maybe she showed strong remorse in ways that you explained in your other thread, in which case I may be wrong.)

I feel like an idiot for not seeing what she was really like. She was going to have this colleague round whether I liked it or not and to hell with how I feel about it. She has done this on purpose to make me jealous.

I believe she is a narcissist.