My opening message on Bumble after she sent me an emoji opener

[CaliforniaGirl]

34 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Max, I don't think you did yourself any favours here.  It sounds like you checked out her court procedures and found it was acceptable to you, so why ask her to a different court which was further away from home?    If you don't want to drive 35 mins, why ask her to drive 25 mins?   There's not much difference in time.  

Basically, she offered a plan and you changed it to something similar but more convenient to you for unfathomable reasons.  I suspect she walked because she felt you'd be too much hard work.

Okay...I didn't see what Basil here quoted at first, but this is a good point.

Plus this is standard-issue guy-rules stuff. Be close to home...just in case...well, you two want to go to his house...now, I'm 99% (possibly more) sure this wasn't Max's intention but enough of us have had this little "plan" made for us that a woman might be leery of it, and turned off.

So how come you decided that, Max? Just curious.

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

If you are struggling this much with dating, don't date and instead put the time your putting into dating into something constructive.

The truth is, when we struggle time after time in dating, we play a part in that struggle, whether we want to admit it or not, sometimes we just need some time outside of the struggle and chill.

[basil67]

13 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

Plus this is standard-issue guy-rules stuff. Be close to home...just in case...well, you two want to go to his house...now, I'm 99% (possibly more) sure this wasn't Max's intention but enough of us have had this little "plan" made for us that a woman might be leery of it, and turned off.

😲  Oh, and here I was talking "unfathomable reasons"  

[CaliforniaGirl]

4 minutes ago, basil67 said:

😲  Oh, and here I was talking "unfathomable reasons"  

Well, that's just one but there are others...like you said (was it you?), it could also be taken as "you're not worth the effort, let's shave off 10 minutes"...or it could be seen as the guy wanting to have control and call the shots and you guys haven't even had your first date yet...it's just kind of a strange decision, IMO. 

I mean not that every woman is thinking this deeply into it but it's going to seem a little off just because you already had a good plan and now it gets changed...to a place maybe that you don't know as well...and just...why?

[max3732]

58 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Max, I don't think you did yourself any favours here.  It sounds like you checked out her court procedures and found it was acceptable to you, so why ask her to a different court which was further away from home?    If you don't want to drive 35 mins, why ask her to drive 25 mins?   There's not much difference in time.  

Basically, she offered a plan and you changed it to something similar but more convenient to you for unfathomable reasons.  I suspect she walked because she felt you'd be too much hard work.

The court by me is more like 20 minutes. Not sure why I put 25. I actually changed things to make them more convenient for her. I told her I'd be willing to drive the 35 minutes to play near where she lived where she could just walk to the court. I felt bad she said she'd have to take Uber to the court I proposed initially. 

36 minutes ago, balletomane said:

I picked up on this too. It seemed odd. Max, sometimes your posts give the impression that you're sabotaging yourself. A prospective date comes along who seems very family-oriented and someone who would be worth meeting, but you back out because she has kids. Another woman wants to play tennis, but you don't simply accept her invitation, you start rearranging and reorganizing things. On some unconscious level, you're getting in your own way.

I did accept the tennis one's invitation. She never suggested a place. I was trying to plan the date.

22 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

Okay...I didn't see what Basil here quoted at first, but this is a good point.

Plus this is standard-issue guy-rules stuff. Be close to home...just in case...well, you two want to go to his house...now, I'm 99% (possibly more) sure this wasn't Max's intention but enough of us have had this little "plan" made for us that a woman might be leery of it, and turned off.

So how come you decided that, Max? Just curious.

Normally I would have gone and played at the court by her initially without hesitation and in fact I've met 2 different women there to play. Right now with the virus I didn't know how careful they were there and it's also not in the best part of town and there'd been some violent protests nearby so I wanted to check everything out to make sure it was safe. The court 20 min from me I know very well and I feel safe because you can park right by the entrance and not have to walk by anyone. With the other court it's a long walk to the courts and the only entrance I knew required you to go inside. I'm also in an area that has a lot of infections and I'm at high risk due to medications I'm taking.

Edited June 30, 2020 by max3732

[max3732]

1 hour ago, Fresh_Start said:

At this point you've already sent her three messages without getting a response so what do you think a fourth message will do?   

You probably could have recovered from accidentally sending the Joey gif if you'd followed it up with something witty about having done so.  "Looks like Joey doesn't break character even on Bumble.  One look at an attractive woman and he was already on his way to your inbox before I had a chance to compose a message.  Can you believe the nerve of this guy??  So...how you doin'?"

And I know next to nothing about Friends because it wasn't a show I watched regularly so I'm sure there are better examples than that based on your knowledge of the show and the character.  The point is, by staying laid back and confident even little slip ups don't have to be deal breakers.   

Acknowledge your gaffe, laugh it off, and learn from it.  We all make mistakes, but what matters is what we learn from them and how we bounce back from them.  You'll do better next time.

The 3 messages were almost like one since they were so close together. I only wrote a few words. 

What's the harm in a 2nd attempt? If I do nothing and don't hear back for a week I don't think she's going to respond. So I figure why not try something then. If it doesn't work I move on.

[CaliforniaGirl]

9 minutes ago, max3732 said:

The court by me is more like 20 minutes. Not sure why I put 25. I actually changed things to make them more convenient for her. I told her I'd be willing to drive the 35 minutes to play near where she lived where she could just walk to the court. I felt bad she said she'd have to take Uber to the court I proposed initially. 

I did accept the tennis one's invitation. She never suggested a place. I was trying to plan the date.

Normally I would have gone and played at the court by her initially without hesitation and in fact I've met 2 different women there to play. Right now with the virus I didn't know how careful they were there and it's also not in the best part of town and there'd been some violent protests nearby so I wanted to check everything out to make sure it was safe. The court 20 min from me I know very well and I feel safe because you can park right by the entrance and not have to walk by anyone. With the other court it's a long walk to the courts and the only entrance I knew required you to go inside. I'm also in an area that has a lot of infections and I'm at high risk due to medications I'm taking.

Okay, I think I understand your reasoning now. I know you were trying to make things easier for her. But look at it from her perspective. You're changing plans from a place she knows well to one you know well. You're trying to get her to not have someone come get her (Uber) and rather, be walking, which TBH is defenseless on a number of levels. (I'm not being paranoid, things DO happen to women on "first dates," and women tend to be cautious.) You're going (ETA: sorry, giving) a whole long explanation which makes you sound nervous and she's wondering...why? Why all these machinations to get things just the way he wants them? With me walking and defenseless? To a court he's familiar with but I don't usually play at?

Just...this idea didn't work out, Max. 

Edited June 30, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

[basil67]

22 minutes ago, max3732 said:

The court by me is more like 20 minutes. Not sure why I put 25. I actually changed things to make them more convenient for her. I told her I'd be willing to drive the 35 minutes to play near where she lived where she could just walk to the court. I felt bad she said she'd have to take Uber to the court I proposed initially. 

I'm confused.  Wouldn't the court near her be more convenient for her?    It sounds like she's offered something which worked for her and you've then offered two other options which worked less for her 🤔

I understand you being careful with COVID, but if your anxiety levels are so high that your dates are failing due to the complexities you're adding, perhaps you'd be better waiting till things settle down a bit.

 

[Fresh_Start]

14 minutes ago, max3732 said:

The 3 messages were almost like one since they were so close together. I only wrote a few words.

I know you've been catching a fair amount of grief so I'm sure by now that you're feeling a little defensive of your actions so let's take a step back for a moment and try to look at it objectively: 

She received three messages from you as a reply.  There is nothing in that scenario that makes you come across as a confident and laid back guy.  I know how much you would like to rationalize it in your mind because you know that the first message was a mistake, but try to put yourself in her shoes.  She knows nothing about you outside of what you look like in your profile pictures and whatever you've written about yourself in your profile, which she probably didn't read or only skimmed through.  Her hand clapping emoji was pretty cryptic so you have no idea exactly what it is that she's "clapping" about and rather than making a humorous reply based on that you fired off a salvo of three messages.  Can you at least see how leaving it at just the Joey gif would have been better?  Or how giving a response like the one I suggested if you really wanted a "do-over" after accidentally sending the gif would have been a smooth way to show that you're a man who doesn't take things too seriously (sexy), can laugh at or about his own mistakes (sexy/confident), and complimenting her on being attractive in a subtle way that doesn't sound needy or desperate all in one fell swoop?

And that was not even a great example.  I know almost nothing about Friends and therefore had to think about it a little bit.  You want to reach a point where you aren't getting so wrapped up in your own thought cannon that you end up trying too hard to conjure up what you perceive to be the perfect response rather than just being natural.  That's where your confidence is, same as when you're kayaking or playing tennis and simply reacting without over-thinking it.  What do you think happens if you start over-thinking that big boulder right in front of you in the river or the tennis ball that's sailing towards your head at nearly 100 miles per hour?  Nothing good.

56 minutes ago, max3732 said:

What's the harm in a 2nd attempt? If I do nothing and don't hear back for a week I don't think she's going to respond. So I figure why not try something then. If it doesn't work I move on.

For the reason you've already identified.  She's not going to respond.  You'll just come across even more desperate and it won't give you the desired result.  She has three messages from you right now.  She'll either give you a free pass and respond or she won't.  Don't try to force the issue.    

[Mystery4u]

1 hour ago, max3732 said:

The court by me is more like 20 minutes. Not sure why I put 25. I actually changed things to make them more convenient for her. I told her I'd be willing to drive the 35 minutes to play near where she lived where she could just walk to the court. I felt bad she said she'd have to take Uber to the court I proposed initially. 

I did accept the tennis one's invitation. She never suggested a place. I was trying to plan the date.

Normally I would have gone and played at the court by her initially without hesitation and in fact I've met 2 different women there to play. Right now with the virus I didn't know how careful they were there and it's also not in the best part of town and there'd been some violent protests nearby so I wanted to check everything out to make sure it was safe. The court 20 min from me I know very well and I feel safe because you can park right by the entrance and not have to walk by anyone. With the other court it's a long walk to the courts and the only entrance I knew required you to go inside. I'm also in an area that has a lot of infections and I'm at high risk due to medications I'm taking.

Sorry if the following sounds harsh but you need a kick up your backside.

You are way over complicating things.

She said she wanted to play tennis this week, your response should have been something like 'Yea lets play this week, xDay at xCourt (near her) work for you? Loser buys a drink after so make sure you bring your purse :p'

Her response would have been something like 'Haha that confident you are going to win yea? Bring it on.. see you on xDay at xCourt. Look forward to kicking your ass!'

If she doesn't reply, or gives a vague answer about not being available on that day without an alternative then you NEXT her. So simple.

Instead you start suggesting a different place for no valid reason whatsoever. I'm assuming her thought was 'Yea I guess we can play there instead... although I will have to get an Uber cos it's a bit far for me...'

At the same time she is talking to other guys who are more on her vibe and not complicating things so doesn't respond to you about playing in the morning. Why didnt you set a specific day as soon as she said she wants to play this week? Instead you ask her to play with less than 24 hours notice?

You then start getting desperate so change your whole plan completely and tell her oh actually yea we can play at the original venue. By this time she has realised she's wasting her time and unmatches you.

The whole part about wanting to feel safe at the court and being able to park by the entrance and not having to walk by anyone is just so embarrassing to read. It reads like you need someone to hold your hand. You need to start acting like a man not a lost puppy.

Also you need to put in most of the effort at the start when pursuing a woman, it's what they expect. Most of all, KEEP THINGS SIMPLE. Nobody cares about how safe it is to park the car or if it's the best part of town when arranging to meet for the first time to play sports. Instead keep the conversation light hearted and fun, playful. After you have met a few times, got to know each other, then sure show her your thoughtful and sensitive side or whatever. At the beginning? Keep it SIMPLE.

Same as the original point of this thread.. you didn't listen to the advice to keep your reply simple to the emoji and instead you made yourself look desperate. No surprises at all she didn't reply. It's up to you if you want to make changes so you can be more successful with women.

Edited July 1, 2020 by Mystery4u

[Trail Blazer]

On 6/28/2020 at 10:06 AM, max3732 said:

I thought women didn't like shirtless pics?

Today I did kayaking and also hit the home gym, but I don't exactly look like a bodybuilder. Last year I put on some weight and have been slowly but surely losing it. I was really happy I was able to do a few more pull ups today than a couple weeks ago. So I'd say I'm slightly athletic looking, but will look a lot better once I lose another 5 lbs or so. Maybe I'll follow your suggestion then.

Don't do it, man!  The kind of women that you're hoping to attract are not the women you will attract if you post shirtless pics!  And, keeping in mind, the many "Chads" out there who do post shirtless pics... unless you can out-Chad the majority of Chads, you'll be overlooked anyway.

I think you're trying way too hard in general.  You need to play it cool, don't overdo the responses and generally just go along with things.  I get that you really want to find someone to marry and have children with, but it will take time to find the right girl.  However, going about finding her the right way will help fast track things.

You've got to understand how women think.  Women want to be desired, however they don't want to be followed unwaveringly like you're their dog.  Women find men most attractive when they're strong and independent in their own right.

A self-assured man who doesn't need a woman, but choses to show interest in one above all others, is a man who'll command respect whilst at the same time make a girl feel very special.  Fawning over and pandering to women to try and show them why you're good partner-material will make most women throw up in their mouth.

With OLD, you should only match their level of interest.  If they're genuinely interested in you, and the feeling is mutual, matching her interest will definitely see you get a first date in no time.  Behaving too keen, even if she likes you, will give her the impression that you have no other options and might make her feel like you're coming on too strong because she is your only option.

As much as women won't like to admit it, women take stock in what other women think; so, if she can tell that you have many options, but you're still interested in her anyway, she'll feel compelled to not lose you to one of your other suitors. 

However, if she gets one whiff of desperation, she'll feel as though it's to do with a), a lack of self-assurance on your part, which is unattractive on so many levels.  Or b), you've had many rejections in the past, which, getting back to that point of women taking stock in what other women think, it's baaaad on that level, but also for that fact that, individually, it just tells her "there's just something wrong with me."

Good luck, dude.

[max3732]

1 hour ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

Okay, I think I understand your reasoning now. I know you were trying to make things easier for her. But look at it from her perspective. You're changing plans from a place she knows well to one you know well. You're trying to get her to not have someone come get her (Uber) and rather, be walking, which TBH is defenseless on a number of levels. (I'm not being paranoid, things DO happen to women on "first dates," and women tend to be cautious.) You're going (ETA: sorry, giving) a whole long explanation which makes you sound nervous and she's wondering...why? Why all these machinations to get things just the way he wants them? With me walking and defenseless? To a court he's familiar with but I don't usually play at?

Just...this idea didn't work out, Max. 

I was actually changing it from a place she doesn't know at all and was far away for her to a place I'd assume is within walking distance for her and that does know. Maybe she could have a friend drop her off or whatever. The place she agreed initially I've played my whole life. The one I was willing to change to I've been like 3 times.

Another reason was when she said she could play where I suggested but that she'd have to take an uber there it changed things in my mind. I had just read about all the COVID cases in the area and thought about spending so much time in the car with a stranger I thought if there was a way to make it work without her having to go through that it was the right thing to do. It would have been much easier to for me to leave things alone. This is my problem of trying to be considerate of her feelings and situation and not seeing that she would see me offering her another option as a sign of weakness. Apparently so much that she went from wanting to play to blocking me on the app.

[Trail Blazer]

10 hours ago, CAPSLOCK BANDIT said:

Bumble is a joke, the only women who want to take initiative in dating are the ones that have to and there is a reason for that... Overly aggressive women are just a turn off, like sure, you have every right to be as masculine as you want, just as I have every right to be revolted by it.

Hahaha, right!  Since when does women who take initiative mean they're 'overly aggressive' or 'masculine'?  

Bumble ain't no joke, pal!  I found it to be a great app, with a lot of beautiful women with whom I got many dates.  One of those dates turned into my now girlfriend, for the past eight months.

[basil67]

39 minutes ago, max3732 said:

I was actually changing it from a place she doesn't know at all and was far away for her to a place I'd assume is within walking distance for her and that does know. Maybe she could have a friend drop her off or whatever.

No, you changed from a court she suggested to something which would suit you better.   If you'd just gone with her initial suggestion, you'd be playing tennis with her now.

[Dis]

I'm so sorry max. All that trouble and you got blocked 😥

 

I can't imagine how difficult this is

 

Just wanted to say...

 

*hugs*

[Versacehottie]

12 hours ago, max3732 said:

I think that I'm getting frustrated and discouraged after some recent matches where I attempted to be myself and didn't want to mess this one up since it's the 1st Bumble match in a while and it seemed so promising. I've had some matches on Bumble where we've both swiped right and then she didn't send me anything and it expired. Then I keep getting messages saying if I pay it will bring it back for 24 hours.

What really got me upset was the Match that messaged me that we should play tennis. We sent messages back and forth and she says she wants to play this week. She lives right by a court, but that's 35 min away and I'm concerned about the virus and don't know what kinds of procedures they have. I went to the court nearby and checked it out and I was satisfied. So I ask if she can play at a court like 25 min from her and 15 from me. She says yes she and she is looking forward to playing this week. Then I say can you play in the morning and get nothing back. A few days later after I talked to some people who have played at the court next to her I tell her I can play there and how about Wednesday? No response. Then I check the app and she unmatched me although I still have her number. I'd been talking to her for weeks and she's just gone?

On top of that most of the Hinge matches fell apart. One woman was after a green card, another said she only wanted someone that was willing to do missionary work overseas. Yet another is moving to the area and said she wants someone to show her around.

Just being myself on these messages has caused me to get almost nothing back on Match and Eharmony and still be alone. 

You're absolutely right I was too attached on this one. Aside from the frustration of the tennis one I just mentioned that was fresh in my mind this Bumble match looks like someone I let get away and I didn't want that to happen again. It's not just the checklist items, but I really like what she wrote in her profile.

What do you mean what am I about besides hobbies? My values, personality, sense of humor? Is there something different you're thinking I should put in my profile or messages?

I did shorten my profile considerably and what I sent her was very short. 

I was also frustrated because I'm working on a very important, long term deal that's very complicated for work and yet I'm struggling to make sense of all these emojis or little text messages. I miss actually being able to talk to people face to face and over a longer period so you could get to know them.

ok, first also going to send you a hug....see how much attention you are getting from just being yourself  even your slightly neurotic, overthinking self.  Sometimes just being real, rather than cloaking it in a hundred different things, none of which are authentically you, works.  It's always the better choice because it usually is the place in which a person finds the most confidence.  You sure have a lot more assurance defending your actions in retrospect than you did when you were trying to choose a course of action.  Read that again.

Ok, I don't know that I know of past situations where you were entirely comfortable being yourself.  I feel like every time you determine a girl could be the one you're at 100!  In terms of overthinking.  Here is a thought.  You always put so much effort into trying to do the right thing what would the opposite of that be? A throwaway response, perhaps.  Not caring where it went cause you have a big deal you're working on, and a tennis match a bit later. I don't know.  I absolutely think that is the opposite of what you've done and worth a try.  

I'm pretty sure I've said this to you before but I will say again in case I didn't, bolded above.....you need to put yourself on a moment to moment basis.  Although you want marriage and kids, why are you seeing someone as "promising" to that extent?  And don't lie to me and say you didn't see past yesterday with her.  You did and it's a large part of why your anxiety gets the best of you.  You are looking too far down the road with these people and it's messing you up.  It's fleeting. Let's talk about what it may or may not be as it relates to your big, important future when you are 10-15 dates in.  NOT BEFORE. Nope, don't even think it.  stop, don't.

Like all OLD and apps, it's a numbers game.  So perhaps don't be so picky.  You need experience.  I know i've told you this before but you are missing opportunities to connect with people on a daily basis, in your day to day life that bring out humor and connectedness---people that you don't have a romantic feeling about, guys, little old ladies, strangers, etc. I suspect that people who do this are the ones that are throwing out some good ideas for approaches, because they have practice and do it all the time.  That's why I included strangers or distant acquaintances.  I mean how would one ramp up to an almost perfect first date conversation if they struggle to charm a person in front of them at starbucks for 2 minutes? Or think of the converse, if you can charm someone at starbucks for 2 minutes, perhaps you are on your way to the almost perfect first date. You have to start somewhere.  And before I hear the excuse of COVID, if you are talking to people in any form, you can practice.   Again, even this site is part of your day to day life.  I realize it can be hard to make jokes or light of a situation when it's your own but I don't know if I've ever seen you do that.  Like I said on one of my previous posts on this thread.  There are personalities on this site that you can connect with in an individual manner in which you both express who you are and connect with the individual or their comment, which is an extension of them/how they think.  Try it.

Ok i was getting the two different girls confused for a minute but I've got it now.  I highly agree with the others that said you shouldn't have changed the location AT ALL. Sorry, totally blunt here: if you need to be that cautious about where you go etc, you probably should not be dating at this moment in time.  And even if it wasn't covid times, you probably should have asked her before she got to asking you.  Which is EXACTLY how most experienced guys would do it.  They are typically a chess move ahead of you in asking for the date and that way they can control what it is, where, how much etc.  Secondly and even more importantly, like the others said, it conveys all sorts of doubt when you are wingeing about where to go.  In one fell swoop, you've conveyed some pretty not attractive traits.  Girls like guys who take charge, aren't afraid, definitely not afraid to date them, you put your own safety and security ahead of hers--it's how it looked even if it wasn't what you meant to convey.  Let's even assume she has no idea nor couldn't imagine the safety, security part--then there is the convenience issue, where it makes it look like you tried to make it more convenient for yourself--whether or not that's true that's what flip flopping on a suggestion she should have never had to make looks like.  The alternative is if it's closer to your place, then she is also wondering about your other intentions.  So you see, if you get lucky enough that one of these girls that you are interested in asks you out, you just roll with it!  And we are talking tennis on a court, either day or lighted at night, so how bad an area can it be.  You should be a guys guy and walk her to her car or uber afterward.  So for that girl, if she blocked you, she is not interested, don't contact her even though you have her number.  She's made it clear that she is no longer interested. Or maybe she got serious with someone else.

Second bolded is problematic.  You need experience. You don't know where life will take you. I see no reason AT ALL why you shouldn't have at least gone on one date with the girl who wants to go on a mission and the one who is just moving to the area.  These girls you might date for a month and meet one of their friends, who then 4 months from now you bump into and start dating the friend.  It's about expanding your social circle potential, which = dating potential.  Also either of those girls could change their minds if you two fell in love.  Heck, even the green card girl, if you can manage yourself, what are you worried about?  I think all of these examples illustrate that you are HEAVILY tied to some list to the point that you are writing off people or deducing things that dont' even matter before they actually matter.  Probably more than half the people who couples or who are married who never be married if they took a one paragraph summary or a handful of texts and wrote someone off.  OMG I can give you tons of examples of this.  You HAVE to look for the yes reasons not the no's.  You will find some of both of course.  But if you are focusing on the no's you will get nowhere.

You are frustrating yourself with tactics like this.  Bumble is quick and you should attach very little meaning to it.  I was with a girlfriend and 2 guys and they were all swiping on bumble and it's like a video game to them.  One of the guys let me take over his bumble and swipe for him.  

Yes, to the 3rd bolded.  Not in your profile, in the moments afterward--just as important.  IN EVERY DAY LIFE. All the time, let it encompass you--it shouldn't be something you need to turn on because you are on a date or communicating with a potential date. Your place a lot of emphasis on being perfect in a finite space like a profile or an initial message but you are missing all the in between moments.  A perfect profile just gets them to swipe right and then what you gonna do?  A good first message and then what you gonna do?  Idk, I would just hope you find who you are WITHOUT this person in your life.  It's both key to being happy with or without and you can't really get her without knowing who you are. I just want to have you not go at things in such a literal manner or come off as having a lot of excuses and stuff.  trust me, I know you are trying but you have to have more of a feeling for life, like be a little more flexible.  It's coming off as serious and timid and that is a dealbreaker for so many girls--most really and then with your picky list you are working with a very small group if you can manage to line it up timing and search wise  

I know I'm being hard again.  I'm sorry.  I just want you to see that you can't keep doing things the same way that encompasses a lot of won't/don'ts and expect something different to happen.

If you are busy with a work deal, maybe now is not the best time to try to date.  It happens. 

lastly, you've got to take the shirtless selfie thing with a grain of salt.  If you do it wrong, it's a dealbreaker for a lot of girls.  If you don't have one, no one is going to NOT like you because of it being absent on your profile.  A lot of tennis players usually have great bodies--a lot of girls preferred body type.  I think guys who suggested adding a shirtless photo it probably goes with their personality and they don't hem and hew over it.  If you are hemming and hawing, it might not be the right thing for you to do.  ON the other hand, you are into tennis, so if the serve looks good, I can't see why you wouldn't put it on there.  OK good luck

Edited July 1, 2020 by Versacehottie

[chillii]

9 hours ago, balletomane said:

I picked up on this too. It seemed odd. Max, sometimes your posts give the impression that you're sabotaging yourself. A prospective date comes along who seems very family-oriented and someone who would be worth meeting, but you back out because she has kids. Another woman wants to play tennis, but you don't simply accept her invitation, you start rearranging and reorganizing things. On some unconscious level, you're getting in your own way.

The kids you know , fair enough from a guys perspective he wants his own family, hard to find at that age without l know butttt. The tennis thing yeah , dunno wth that was about,, you'd just accept it, it was very nice of her but it sounded like you wouldn't even drive 35mins op.

 

 

 

[balletomane]

1 hour ago, chillii said:

The kids you know , fair enough from a guys perspective he wants his own family, hard to find at that age without l know butttt. The tennis thing yeah , dunno wth that was about,, you'd just accept it, it was very nice of her but it sounded like you wouldn't even drive 35mins op.

 

 

 

If Max didn't want any children at all, I could understand him being wary of dating a single mother, but it seems unrealistic for a family-orientated guy in his mid to late thirties to screen out any woman who already has kids. Women in his age bracket who share his priorities are perhaps more likely than most to have had a child already. His reasons for avoiding this - worry that he wouldn't know how to handle a stepkid, and fear of missing out on the first milestones - make it sound as if he's borrowing trouble and imagining problems that may never occur, as well as being reluctant to let go of a fantasy in which he and his wife experience a baby's milestones for the first time together. I know parenting is a more serious issue than any hobby, but this seems to be the same kind of rigid thinking and anxious desire for things to be exactly right that sabotaged the tennis match.

[chillii]

There's a lot more to your own family than just milestones and discipline, nothing wrong with not wanting someone else's ,accept yep like l said hard to find a woman without kids where everything else is right at that age.

Edited July 1, 2020 by chillii

[SumGuy]

13 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

Plus this is standard-issue guy-rules stuff. Be close to home...just in case...well, you two want to go to his house...now, I'm 99% (possibly more) sure this wasn't Max's intention but enough of us have had this little "plan" made for us that a woman might be leery of it, and turned off.

I much prefer to be close to and go to her place if that comes up or is the idea.   There are so many reasons in my mind to have the first meet be on her territory, a place close to her, unless one is an hour away and then it can make sense to split the difference.  Still, it is part of magnanimousity and being a "gentleman" to take on more of the travel burden, again in my opinion.   I might imagine this kind of behavior is "required" for women looking for a more traditional man and relationship.

[SumGuy]

13 hours ago, max3732 said:

 

What's the harm in a 2nd attempt? If I do nothing and don't hear back for a week I don't think she's going to respond. So I figure why not try something then. If it doesn't work I move on.

None really if not too soon.  The worst is you don't hear back which is exactly where you are now.  

[smackie9]

Too intense, too muchy, too fussy, too much effort........As a first date, a simple meet up for a coffee and social distancing 10 mins away is easier. Keep it simple.

[max3732]

12 hours ago, basil67 said:

No, you changed from a court she suggested to something which would suit you better.   If you'd just gone with her initial suggestion, you'd be playing tennis with her now.

No.

(1)She didn't suggest any particular location. Just that she wanted to play tennis. I suggested a place that would suit me better since it was the only one I was comfortable with at the time. She said yes, but she'd have to take an uber all that way. When I saw that and that COVID cases were exploding in my area I didn't feel right making

(2)The place I initially suggested I play all the time and is 20 minutes away. The place contacted her again to play is 35 minutes away and I'm not that familiar with. 

[Fresh_Start]

18 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

As a first date, a simple meet up for a coffee

Am I the only man on the planet who never does coffee dates?  If I like someone enough to ask her out on a date, we're doing dinner and drinks.  No woman has ever turned that down and it's also lead to first date sex about 75% of the time, which is a win for both of us.  

In my opinion, coffee dates have about as much innate romantic chemistry as a job interview.  The only sparks I'd get from a midday date at a Starbucks would be from some pretentious tech weenie spilling his cup of jitter juice across his laptop.  Why not just meet up for a date at the public library or over a bowl of cereal?

I think everybody would have more success if they weren't afraid to go on a real date instead of conforming to the conventions of cookie cutter quickies.  Be bold and reap the rewards. 

[Versacehottie]

15 minutes ago, max3732 said:

No.

(1)She didn't suggest any particular location. Just that she wanted to play tennis. I suggested a place that would suit me better since it was the only one I was comfortable with at the time. She said yes, but she'd have to take an uber all that way. When I saw that and that COVID cases were exploding in my area I didn't feel right making

(2)The place I initially suggested I play all the time and is 20 minutes away. The place contacted her again to play is 35 minutes away and I'm not that familiar with. 

All those reasons I have to say, are very selfish and all about you..  For a guy wanting to make a good impression and whose main strength that I can tell is being a supposed nice guy and very earnest about wanting a relationship, your actions and what they should be on this instance alone are at odds.  

The benefit of a nice guy is that he is NICE and a gentlemen.  If you are too neurotic that you are getting in your own way, what is she getting out of it exactly?  You aren't spontaneous, you struggle to be cool or charming or funny (sorry, i'm just being real).  If being nice and responsible, ie follows through is your thing that you offer, you can't negate your main strength with all this neuroses.