My opening message on Bumble after she sent me an emoji opener

[max3732]

17 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

AGHHHH!!! bolded, why not??? like i said, your "brand" as far as I can tell in the pro column happens to be "nice guy" and "got your stuff together with work doing big deals",  Um, that is info that you should definitely insert immediately about the deal because it relates to why you can't go! It also provides a measure of reassurance because if she is sweet and has now tried twice to meet up with you to be met with a bunch of baloney, or so it seems, so you missed a chance to show her you are a good guy.  These are the kind of things that I mean about take your opportunities to express who you are or perhaps you won't get a chance to meet her or just in general a relationship will get the plug pulled before you get a chance to "tell" her these things. It doesn't have to be all formal.  It's just life and relates to exactly what you are talking about!  You can expand on the deal when you meet each other but I would say that guys working on deals is pretty hot-much like shirtless selfies--it's an angle that you should have worked and it fell into your lap.

Idk, if i would switch it up.  What i would do now that you've got yourself in this conundrum is keep texting her a bit and if she gives you an opening to, sure throw out something spontaneous.  I wouldn't leave texting her until next week.  I think with all that you've done you should show some interest to keep her on the hook.   Let the plans unfold as you are texting.  I don't know---lots of people aren't going anywhere because of COVID if you are texting her you should be able to gauge if she is going anywhere.  You can just ask--"excited for the holiday? what do you have planned" . Better worded but that is the gist.  If she tells you nothing, you have a chance to bond with her over that and then you can throw out the friday night thing. 

This is really the 1st time she's tried to meet up since she suggested it before but then disappeared when I tried to schedule it.

My thought in not mentioning why was to have a bit of mystery and show that I'm not just sitting by the phone waiting for her. My mom mentioned that when she was first dating my dad he used to have his own plans certain times and she liked the fact he had his own life and the mystery about what he was doing. My 1st instinct is to tell every woman I meet everything about me, but I've learned that isn't the right thing to do.

In this case you're right. I didn't just say "no, can't make it". I said "That would have been so much fun, but I can't make it it today. Would you like to play after the 4th of July weekend?"

What if I contact her tomorrow wishing her a happy 4th where I ask what she's doing and maybe share a pic of the BBQ then and invite her to play on a specific day, like Tuesday. Then saying "Sorry I wasn't able to last week. I was swamped with a huge business deal". 

When I invite her do I need a specific place and time, like the courts at Wimbledon at 7pm on Tuesday? Or can I ask her if she can play Tuesday morning and then if she says she can only do the evening I'll pick a time then? 

[max3732]

23 hours ago, poppyfields said:

When there is a genuine chemistry and energy going on, trust me there is a way!    She moves to your side of the table or you move to hers, again it's not about how many boxes she checks off your checklist, it's about feeling a genuine chemistry, and if/when you're feeling that, it all becomes very easy and natural.  

My bf and I were at the bar munching on apps, we were totally clicking!  I was not determing how many boxes he checked, hell I didn't and never had such a checklist.  Seems very shallow to me. 

Within 30 minutes he kissed me, and it was the most natural thing in the world. 

Have you ever felt that with a woman?  

There is someone I've been talking to on the phone and I feel a ton of chemistry there.

In person I'd say when I went for the kiss in my 3rd date (maybe 2nd?) with this woman we were talking about showing affection and what she likes and doesn't like in relationships and I took her hand to cross the street and as we were walking I honestly felt like I wanted to kiss her. Right when we got to her car I kissed her and felt very natural. That was after a really long date where we'd talking for a while and had walked to a bunch of locations.

 

[balletomane]

You need to set a specific time and a specific place. I'm surprised you didn't give one in your reply to her invitation. Just saying "after the 4th July weekend" is vague and it means you have to message again to set something up. Organising a meet-up should be very simple, and by stretching it out over days and multiple messages you're just introducing extra hurdles for yourself.

[max3732]

20 hours ago, Fresh_Start said:

It all starts with confidence...The type of confidence that probably can't be taught.  There are things you can do to improve your self-confidence though even if you never quite reach that level.  It starts by setting and achieving goals, overcoming obstacles, and trying new things that you've never done before -- things that might even put your own fears to the test as you go outside your comfort zone.  Every time you achieve a goal, set the bar a little bit higher and then achieve that one too.  As you continue to get to know yourself -- your strengths, your talents, etc., pat yourself on the back for them.  Learn to love yourself and the awesome person that you are becoming as you achieve your goals and develop a heightened sense of self-awareness. 

You mentioned somewhere in this thread that you weren't happy about your appearance -- something about the way your stomach protrudes, if I recall correctly.  That can be your first goal: losing the gut and improving your physique.  

The same basic principle applies to other goals that you can set for yourself.  Eventually you'll want to be setting goals that are borderline unrealistic, but because you've become so confident along the way you know you'll achieve those too.  Welcome to the new you.  

Now to answer your question with some more specifics beyond the basics:

I have a great personality.  I'm funny, intelligent, a great conversationalist, witty, charming, flirty, and just all around bad ass.  The latter is said in a playfully cocky way, not arrogantly.  There is a world of difference between being playfully cocky and arrogant.  Because of that, I can get away with saying almost anything including cheesy "pick up artist" types of things that no man with any good sense would ever dare to use.  

You build attraction over the course of an evening, which is part of the reason why I do the dinner dates because they give me more time to build that attraction in addition to getting to know the woman better.  There is no time limit on these dates.  They end when the sex is over and I'm driving home or she is -- or in the morning if it's a sleepover.  There's subtle touch, whether it's sliding your foot next to hers under the table, a caress of the back of the hand or down the side of her face to move away a stray hair (situational), or my personal favorite which is sliding into the seat next to her at some point to show her pictures in your phone (or have her show you pictures).  The latter there typically opens the door to other subtle contact.  You can literally feel the heat of her desire as she's snug up against you and practically smell the pheromones.  Lastly...

"Assume the sale".    There are no nerves, there isn't a moment's hesitation, and it's as natural as asking her for her name.  

 

That's really well put together! I edited it down here so the quote wouldn't be so long.

As far as my belly that's something I've been working on and I'm down a little over 3 lbs. I looked in the mirror this morning and it already looks much better. I'm still working on it, but I think if I lost another 2 lbs and keep working out I'd be a bit more confident about having my shirt off.

I have supreme confidence in most areas of my life. Where I've worked and practiced at something enough to know that I'm good at it. 

With women it's different though. Not to put down my life story, but I didn't attempt to date anyone seriously until I was in my late 20s. My 1st kiss was when I was in grad school and she actually kissed me. The 1st time I initiated a kiss was with the woman I met on Bumble and posted about here before recently. 

I went out with her and then the other one that I kissed before the pandemic. Before them most of my 1st dates I either met someone I could tell I wasn't interested in at all or if she seemed like a good fit I'd get so nervous I could barely speak and my mind would go blank. There were a few women I went out with a few times, but I never made any kind of physical move because I didn't know how. We'd go to a restaurant, or play tennis, or meet at a park or whatever, we'd talk for a while and then we'd wish each other goodbye. Wish I could have that carefree, relaxed confidence on a date! 

I think that a big improvement I made recently was to stop trying to get all my dates to like me and to try and see if they're right for me. I was always afraid if I tried to kiss them they'd slap or laugh at me. Hopefully I've improved since then but I still feel like I have a ways to go

[Fresh_Start]

1 hour ago, max3732 said:

That's really well put together! I edited it down here so the quote wouldn't be so long.

For future references, when you quote something the entire quote collapses into a box that is the same size regardless of the content so all your edit really did was put a blemish on my masterpiece.  

1 hour ago, max3732 said:

As far as my belly that's something I've been working on and I'm down a little over 3 lbs. I looked in the mirror this morning and it already looks much better. I'm still working on it, but I think if I lost another 2 lbs and keep working out I'd be a bit more confident about having my shirt off.

Good stuff. 👍 I got the impression from the way you phrased it that the amount of weight you needed to lose was significant.  In any event, just keep in mind that you need to lose roughly 8.5 pounds to lose an inch off your waist (on average per multiple regression analysis, which means it is by no means uniform and subject to variable changes).  

1 hour ago, max3732 said:

I have supreme confidence in most areas of my life. Where I've worked and practiced at something enough to know that I'm good at it. 

Then you're already 2/3 of the way to being successful with women and dating without even realizing it.  Your inexperience does play a role, but only a small one.  The rest is comprised entirely of the mental obstacles that you have created for yourself. 

Think about what it is in your life that you are the most supremely confident about.  Think about the mindset that you have as you prepare for whatever undertaking that is: your thoughts, your feelings, your beliefs.  Are you cool (confident), calm, and collected because you already know that no matter how monumental an undertaking it is or how much is at stake that you will be victorious or successful?  If you are and that is an accurate description of you in those circumstances then all you have to do is apply those same thoughts, feelings, beliefs, confidence, calmness, and collectedness to your interactions with women.  It is no different.  It just requires reshaping the faulty belief system that you have surrounding dating and interacting with women.  

Remember the wisdom of Master Yoda in Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back: "No different.  Only different in your mind.  You must unlearn what you have learned."  The same applies to you when it comes to your thought processes, doubts, insecurities, overthinking, and overcomplicating of your interactions with women.  First question them (the thoughts, etc.), then challenge them, then dismiss them when you reach the point of recognizing that they're folly.  Going back to the Star Wars analogy to wrap this up: recall the great scene where Luke, who is bigger, younger, and stronger watches a 900 year old decrepit little green midget use the Force to lift Luke's X-wing out of the swamp. "I don't believe it!" Luke exclaims.  To which Yoda replies, "That is why you fail."

The only thing standing between you and what you want in life is the will to try it and the faith to believe that it's possible.  The moment you carry the conviction of belief is the moment that your dreams, your wishes, and your goals will become your reality.

Edited July 2, 2020 by Fresh_Start

[CaliforniaGirl]

2 hours ago, max3732 said:

That's really well put together! I edited it down here so the quote wouldn't be so long.

As far as my belly that's something I've been working on and I'm down a little over 3 lbs. I looked in the mirror this morning and it already looks much better. I'm still working on it, but I think if I lost another 2 lbs and keep working out I'd be a bit more confident about having my shirt off.

I have supreme confidence in most areas of my life. Where I've worked and practiced at something enough to know that I'm good at it. 

With women it's different though. Not to put down my life story, but I didn't attempt to date anyone seriously until I was in my late 20s. My 1st kiss was when I was in grad school and she actually kissed me. The 1st time I initiated a kiss was with the woman I met on Bumble and posted about here before recently. 

I went out with her and then the other one that I kissed before the pandemic. Before them most of my 1st dates I either met someone I could tell I wasn't interested in at all or if she seemed like a good fit I'd get so nervous I could barely speak and my mind would go blank. There were a few women I went out with a few times, but I never made any kind of physical move because I didn't know how. We'd go to a restaurant, or play tennis, or meet at a park or whatever, we'd talk for a while and then we'd wish each other goodbye. Wish I could have that carefree, relaxed confidence on a date! 

I think that a big improvement I made recently was to stop trying to get all my dates to like me and to try and see if they're right for me. I was always afraid if I tried to kiss them they'd slap or laugh at me. Hopefully I've improved since then but I still feel like I have a ways to go

This all sounds awesome to me, ESPECIALLY that last part!

[Versacehottie]

3 hours ago, max3732 said:

This is really the 1st time she's tried to meet up since she suggested it before but then disappeared when I tried to schedule it.

My thought in not mentioning why was to have a bit of mystery and show that I'm not just sitting by the phone waiting for her. My mom mentioned that when she was first dating my dad he used to have his own plans certain times and she liked the fact he had his own life and the mystery about what he was doing. My 1st instinct is to tell every woman I meet everything about me, but I've learned that isn't the right thing to do.

In this case you're right. I didn't just say "no, can't make it". I said "That would have been so much fun, but I can't make it it today. Would you like to play after the 4th of July weekend?"

What if I contact her tomorrow wishing her a happy 4th where I ask what she's doing and maybe share a pic of the BBQ then and invite her to play on a specific day, like Tuesday. Then saying "Sorry I wasn't able to last week. I was swamped with a huge business deal". 

When I invite her do I need a specific place and time, like the courts at Wimbledon at 7pm on Tuesday? Or can I ask her if she can play Tuesday morning and then if she says she can only do the evening I'll pick a time then? 

*You see it as one time; I see it as two.  That is because the "first" time where you claimed she disappeared is where you were doing what frankly was a lot of back and forth about which court to play on; wingeing and you need to consider that as part of the reason, maybe THE reason she disappeared.  You were too difficult which equals non-interested or and perhaps caused her to lose interest in you.  I can already see where you are going with this where you will say "but she IS interested".  Nope, things are not black and white; they are shades of grey.  It's most likely that you getting back in touch regenerated her interest to the point that she would consider going out with you.  In effect giving you another chance.  And then you declined her 2nd attempt.  I do feel better about it when you have indicated the words you used.  They were fine--a lot flat though and lack of personality.  You are too linear. You don't see a purpose in flirting in the moment and ANY contact you have with a woman who shows interest in you is a chance to be charming or show your personality.  The answer you gave is a little robotic.  This is part of a consistent issue that needs to be dealt with IMO.

The second bolded is great.  I think you should do this.  You could even do it today--correction SHOULD do it today IMO..  If she is going somewhere, she could be leaving tomorrow.  So say "Sorry i wasn't able to last night  I was swamped with a huge business deal yesterday".  Timely, momentum.

Listen, your mom is right to an extent.  But I'm gonna guess cell phones weren't around then.  Also perhaps they had ALREADY had their first date--you need to get to that point FIRST before you show that you have your own life, in which case she is entirely correct.  Also again I get the feeling that you think "telling every woman you meet everything about you" means giving them a laundry list of facts--which again is exactly your problem.  A guy can hang out with you every day and talk to you lots but there can still be a ton of mystery into who he IS and what he thinks deeply and where he sees things going with you.  There are "levels' to how much you let someone in that go beyond just telling them a list about yourself.  You won't give "fake" mystery if all you are doing is holding off on the list giving and manipulating how much you allow access to yourself.  It works to an extent but not entirely.  The reason it worked with your parents is your mom probably felt like your dad was a bit of a challenge and probably vice versa.  You kind of desperately want a girlfriend, how do you think you will be able to hide that--just by pretending not to be available?  I strongly suggest that you get through at least the first date before you start playing these games.  Also the other reason this works typically is because the guy appears slightly or more that he has lots of options for dating--and girls assume that is what he is doing or might meet another girl when he is not available to them.  It works if you have a player/experienced vibe.  IMO, if you have a nice guy vibe you should play that role up more because you won't be fooling anyone--in fact, many girls will then just think somethings wrong with you or you're weird and not stick around IMO.

Edited July 2, 2020 by Versacehottie

[max3732]

18 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

*You see it as one time; I see it as two.  That is because the "first" time where you claimed she disappeared is where you were doing what frankly was a lot of back and forth about which court to play on; wingeing and you need to consider that as part of the reason, maybe THE reason she disappeared.  You were too difficult which equals non-interested or and perhaps caused her to lose interest in you.  I can already see where you are going with this where you will say "but she IS interested".  Nope, things are not black and white; they are shades of grey.  It's most likely that you getting back in touch regenerated her interest to the point that she would consider going out with you.  In effect giving you another chance.  And then you declined her 2nd attempt.  I do feel better about it when you have indicated the words you used.  They were fine--a lot flat though and lack of personality.  You are too linear. You don't see a purpose in flirting in the moment and ANY contact you have with a woman who shows interest in you is a chance to be charming or show your personality.  The answer you gave is a little robotic.  This is part of a consistent issue that needs to be dealt with IMO.

The second bolded is great.  I think you should do this.  You could even do it today--correction SHOULD do it today IMO..  If she is going somewhere, she could be leaving tomorrow.  So say "Sorry i wasn't able to last night  I was swamped with a huge business deal yesterday".  Timely, momentum.

Listen, your mom is right to an extent.  But I'm gonna guess cell phones weren't around then.  Also perhaps they had ALREADY had their first date--you need to get to that point FIRST before you show that you have your own life, in which case she is entirely correct.  Also again I get the feeling that you think "telling every woman you meet everything about you" means giving them a laundry list of facts--which again is exactly your problem.  A guy can hang out with you every day and talk to you lots but there can still be a ton of mystery into who he IS and what he thinks deeply and where he sees things going with you.  There are "levels' to how much you let someone in that go beyond just telling them a list about yourself.  You won't give "fake" mystery if all you are doing is holding off on the list giving and manipulating how much you allow access to yourself.  It works to an extent but not entirely.  The reason it worked with your parents is your mom probably felt like your dad was a bit of a challenge and probably vice versa.  You kind of desperately want a girlfriend, how do you think you will be able to hide that--just by pretending not to be available?  I strongly suggest that you get through at least the first date before you start playing these games.  Also the other reason this works typically is because the guy appears slightly or more that he has lots of options for dating--and girls assume that is what he is doing or might meet another girl when he is not available to them.  It works if you have a player/experienced vibe.  IMO, if you have a nice guy vibe you should play that role up more because you won't be fooling anyone--in fact, many girls will then just think somethings wrong with you or you're weird and not stick around IMO.

Well I took your advice and... she agreed to play next week!

With OLD I'll believe it when we're actually on the court, but I'm happy I reached out to her. I even put some of my personality in the exchange when I invited her. 

Assuming we do play I'm going to keep my social distance and wear a mask walking to and from the court, but I'd like to make it fun when we're playing. Something that's come into play with prior tennis dates is my training kind of kicks in and I'm focused on my game and also giving her tips about her game. I have to remind myself that even if she's hitting the ball with the wrong end of the racket my focus is on having fun and getting to know her and not being her tennis coach.

Obviously I can't try and touch her at all or go for a kiss here so that kind of pressure is off. At the end should I jokingly say something like "If it wasn't for this social distancing I'd love to kiss you"? What else can I do to make it a romantic date vs. just playing tennis? This one seems very creative and outgoing so she's a bit different from me in that respect.

Back to my original question. What should I do with the Bumble match? Maybe send her another message on the 4th, wait longer, or what? 

[Versacehottie]

3 hours ago, max3732 said:

Well I took your advice and... she agreed to play next week!

With OLD I'll believe it when we're actually on the court, but I'm happy I reached out to her. I even put some of my personality in the exchange when I invited her. 

Assuming we do play I'm going to keep my social distance and wear a mask walking to and from the court, but I'd like to make it fun when we're playing. Something that's come into play with prior tennis dates is my training kind of kicks in and I'm focused on my game and also giving her tips about her game. I have to remind myself that even if she's hitting the ball with the wrong end of the racket my focus is on having fun and getting to know her and not being her tennis coach.

Obviously I can't try and touch her at all or go for a kiss here so that kind of pressure is off. At the end should I jokingly say something like "If it wasn't for this social distancing I'd love to kiss you"? What else can I do to make it a romantic date vs. just playing tennis? This one seems very creative and outgoing so she's a bit different from me in that respect.

Back to my original question. What should I do with the Bumble match? Maybe send her another message on the 4th, wait longer, or what? 

Ok great!

Yeah, you better make it fun and flirty on the court.  You can be good, because that's hot too but still switch between impressive shots and connecting with her. Take water breaks so you are not so far from each other and can talk some more.  Hmm, maybe don't give her tips or not many during the play that day but use it as an excuse to suggest meeting up again.  Now I don't mean literally---you can or cannot follow through with the next activity (playing tennis with tips next time) you throw out on this date---the point is there will be a date and what you guys end up doing is the flexible part.  It just gives you a reason to keep in touch and it doesn't really matter that it's absolutely transparent.  Guys know this; girls know this.  It's just how you get traction.  Bottom line: you are there to be on a date not play tennis, remember that.

Covid may be in your favor since it's gonna slow down the need to get physical probably.  So hopefully you guys will get to know each other and that part won't factor in until you are more comfortable with it and she more into you.  Hmm, well more romantic IMO would be down to personality--just a reminder that these are some of the reasons I keep telling you to get your socialization up to speed so you can flirt and be charming in the moment and things don't fall flat.  Lol, you could bring her a fresh can of tennis balls.  It's not about the gift, it's just funny/cute.  But these are the things that I can't teach or explain to you cause if they don't go with your personality they are gonna fall flat.  Barring that I can't give you a script or play by play, I would suggest you try to connect with her.  Ask questions, cherry pick from what she is saying to make a layered interesting, not linear or fact-driven conversation.  Don't make it entirely about her; tell some stuff about yourself.  Not interview like.  It's ok if some conversations don't get finished and you are jumping around.  Go with the flow of the conversation and the moment.  She sounds like she possibly could be a leader which i think could be a good thing and make it easier for you.  If she is, roll with it a bit.

The original Bumble match--did she ever write back after you triple messaged? I think she hasn't right?  It looks dead to me.  If she hasn't unmatched you, then you could try to say something mainly because you have nothing to lose and she is a stranger to you. However, Ii would lay off the cute things at this point and definitely ask a question that is more straightforward.  Timing, well there is no time like the present, ie today.  I wouldn't send one on the 4th because she is really not trying to connect with you so if you don't do it today, then monday or tuesday.   Brace yourself and have low expectations. Good luck 

[Hopeful30]

On 6/27/2020 at 2:36 PM, max3732 said:

Finally after about a year I finally got a match on Bumble and its one that based on her profile looks pretty good. Everyone always says that you should have a clever opening message, but on Bumble after both swiping right the women send the 1st message and all she sent me was an emoji with a hand clapping.

I don't really know what to do with this. Does that mean she's just saying she's happy with both swiped right?

What I liked about her profile was that she looks really sweet, with a girl next door type look that I really like. Plus she's on the same political aisle, has a graduate degree, says she's looking for marriage, is looking for someone family oriented that likes pets, and she lists and has pictures of her doing a lot of the same hobbies that I enjoy.

Here's what I was going to say...

"Wow, Sally, looks like we've got a lot of the same hobbies/interests and are looking for something similar. How'd you get into "hobby name"? Do you get a chance to play often?"

What do you think? Considering how few matches I've gotten on Bumble later I was to make this count.

 

I think this is a good message! It's open-ended and brings your attention to the commonalities, and emphasizes compatibility. I would respond to a  message like this. 

[max3732]

To follow up I still haven't heard back from the original Bumble match, but she hasn't blocked me.

I got a new match that I chatted with back and forth for a while on the app and then I asked her to meet up for tennis at a specific date and time (seems like a safe social distance activity) since she plays frequently. When I asked she said she will let me know soon.

So I'm not going to say anything until she lets me know unless I don't hear back from her for a while.

It also gives me more confidence playing with the one where we went back and forth on scheduling that she's not the only show in town.

[chillii]

 

Maybe you should think of things l dunno , something closer, more personal , coffee or a walk or something, don't know what the situation is atm where you are. But wouldn't it be better to be able to talk and stuff , be closer ?  Belting a ball from 25mtrs away to her as a total stranger seems like it's kinda defeating the purpose and awkward .

[Versacehottie]

47 minutes ago, chillii said:

 

Maybe you should think of things l dunno , something closer, more personal , coffee or a walk or something, don't know what the situation is atm where you are. But wouldn't it be better to be able to talk and stuff , be closer ?  Belting a ball from 25mtrs away to her as a total stranger seems like it's kinda defeating the purpose and awkward .

I agree.  While I get that playing tennis with the first girl is ok because it sounds like she is into it as well and suggested it a couple of times, I don't think you should do the same "date" with everyone.  a) it will make the dates stale IMO b) again, I would feel like you are failing to connect with the individuals and determine an activity that is best for the the two of you connections c) it's again a little selfish--there is a difference between enjoying the same hobby as someone and shoving it down the throat of someone who is mildly interested in that  d) my guess that because you weren't more thoughtful to what the date could be for you this newest girl is part of the reason she hasn't answered you on that suggestion (ie I'll get back to you is blowing it off).  

Anyway, I'm glad you are feeling like you have more options.  I hope you are working at reading cues though.  I guess it's all practice.  Try to do some other types of dates with people though.  I mean, it will look a little weird if you keep showing up at the courts with a rotation of different women.  It's like uninspired 🥴  lol, why don't you come up with a list of places and things to do right now before you actually meet women and then match them to each woman as it goes with her personality, interests and what the two of your vibes are.  Strive for meaningful.  Like what did the two of you talk about (new one)?  If you are attune to things in her profile and the vibe she gives off and the little bit of chatting you do, you hopefully will be able to pick up on types of dates that match each individual girl AND yourself, ie the potential union.  I think a tennis date personally would be fun--however, many of my friends would not and all of us would be upset if we found out that it was just your routine that you do with every girl. It's the same as if we found out you take each date to the same exact restaurant for the first date or a starbucks.  

It's helpful that you are putting details here so we can guide you to get up to speed quicker than you would if you just had to learn from your missteps.  I'd also venture to say that even with saying it aloud & knowing that you were just messaging about it and no extra words, that it could read kind of flat as an invite if it's something you are doing by rote.  There's a level of excitement that comes when something is newer and fresher and unique to each person, interaction

Edited July 6, 2020 by Versacehottie

[max3732]

57 minutes ago, chillii said:

 

Maybe you should think of things l dunno , something closer, more personal , coffee or a walk or something, don't know what the situation is atm where you are. But wouldn't it be better to be able to talk and stuff , be closer ?  Belting a ball from 25mtrs away to her as a total stranger seems like it's kinda defeating the purpose and awkward .

 

10 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

I agree.  While I get that playing tennis with the first girl is ok because it sounds like she is into it as well and suggested it a couple of times, I don't think you should do the same "date" with everyone.  a) it will make the dates stale IMO b) again, I would feel like you are failing to connect with the individuals and determine an activity that is best for the the two of you connections c) it's again a little selfish--there is a difference between enjoying the same hobby as someone and shoving it down the throat of someone who is mildly interested in that  d) my guess that because you weren't more thoughtful to what the date could be for you this newest girl is part of the reason she hasn't answered you on that suggestion (ie I'll get back to you is blowing it off).  

Anyway, I'm glad you are feeling like you have more options.  I hope you are working at reading cues though.  I guess it's all practice.  Try to do some other types of dates with people though.  I mean, it will look a little weird if you keep showing up at the courts with a rotation of different women.  It's like uninspired 🥴  lol, why don't you come up with a list of places and things to do right now before you actually meet women and then match them to each woman as it goes with her personality, interests and what the two of your vibes are.  Strive for meaningful.  Like what did the two of you talk about (new one)?  If you are attune to things in her profile and the vibe she gives off and the little bit of chatting you do, you hopefully will be able to pick up on types of dates that match each individual girl AND yourself, ie the potential union.  I think a tennis date personally would be fun--however, many of my friends would not and all of us would be upset if we found out that it was just your routine that you do with every girl. It's the same as if we found out you take each date to the same exact restaurant for the first date or a starbucks.  

It's helpful that you are putting details here so we can guide you to get up to speed quicker than you would if you just had to learn from your missteps.  I'd also venture to say that even with saying it aloud & knowing that you were just messaging about it and no extra words, that it could read kind of flat as an invite if it's something you are doing by rote.  There's a level of excitement that comes when something is newer and fresher and unique to each person, interaction

Obviously I don't want to do a tennis date with everyone I meet, but with this one she has a tennis pic on her profile and when we were talking about what we did for the 4th she mentioned she played tennis. Then we talked about it some more so I figured it would be good to ask her to play. If you think the 2nd one is blowing me off what should I do? Offer to chat more on the app?

Where I am the coronavirus situation is problematic. There has been a surge in cases and specifically where the 1st one lives is a particularly bad area. As I've mentioned before I have a compromised immune system so I'm trying to be extra careful. That's also why I'd prefer to play at the court I know since you can park and walk right onto the court without interacting with anyone else. I saw some info saying that tennis is one of the safest activities 

Aside from a virtual date I don't know what else I can do with someone right now. I don't want to get within 6 feet of my date and I'm definitely wearing a mask from the parking lot to the court. 

As much as I'd like a girlfriend I don't want to take any chances with this virus. There's someone else I've been chatting with that I haven't offered to see in person because I don't know what we could do. 

Coffee or walks won't work for me. Both of them would require me to get too close to the date. I haven't even been ordering takeout, shopping or going anywhere other than the tennis court.

If you have other ideas for 1st dates I'm all ears. For most matches I wouldn't invite them to anything and just communicate online.

[basil67]

@max3732 Are you planning to get withing kissing distance of a date if you and she agree to not see others and you're comfortable with how she manages her social distancing etc?    

[Versacehottie]

ok, well you are very lucky that you've bumped into two ladies who you are interested in and vice versa that both are into tennis like you.  That's good.  I think you just want to be careful of taking them to the same place.  Idk, bad form IMO.  But I stand corrected with the additional info since it is something she is that into it's normal that you asked her to play, especially in light of COVID and limited activity possibilities--looks like you did gauge her interests and vibe.  I think you just still want to be cautious of doing tennis dates in general (not only during COVID) as a first date.  It's such a big hobby of yours that I think it's important not to put the activity before the person if that makes sense.  Dating is the purpose not the activity.  Getting to know the person vs WHATEVER you choose to do.  With an activity that you would do anyway for fun, it gets a little fuzzy.

Ok, onto the next part.hmmm if she is blowing you off there probably is not much you can do to resurrect it.  Remember bumble is fast, low investment.  That said, same as the other ones, she's a stranger and there is not much to lose.  I think the best strategy to get back in touch on the app with a sentence or two.  IMO, don't ask for a "what's happening with your schedule" or follow up on the tennis date scheduling. NO, don't do that.  It's annoying pressure.  She said she would let you know so "trust" that she will.  The secret is that you don't really know if she will confirm some time for the date but you PROCEED as if she eventually will and you are simply interested in her which is the confident move.  Asking IMO (besides pressure) is showing your hand that you are worried about it, needy etc.  So whatever you talked about the other day (hopefully something besides tennIs) just contact her about that to "continue the conversation".  Again, this is why I keep pressing you to get good with small talk because if you did so, it should be easy to pick one of the lighthearted subjects you messaged about the other day and just spin a new, additional conversation about it.   If tennis is all you talked about then it's ok (i guess) to bring that up but pick the subject within tennis that is as far as possible away from a pregnant pause where you are hinting about or it could be assumed that you are hinting about your own date with her.  And switch off the tennis subject as fast as possible so that is clear.The point of contacting her is to a) check in to say hi because she interests you simply that b) some light flirting, cause she is a girl you are interested in.  The "purpose" doesn't need to be more than that.  Of course, if she brings up the tennis date and wants to schedule it do that. Otherwise be breezy.

I think you should be in touch because most guys that are legitimately pursuing her are getting in touch this often. I think it will also help you to not get stuck in some limbo and be realistic and not dejected if she's effectively disappeared.  It's a numbers game on a lot of levels. Generally, I would say to get to the point and ask a person out on an app but you did that already and there are dual purposes of generating interest, showing interest as well--and you need some practice here being more playful so it has a purpose for you personally.

Lastly, with COVID, and trying to go on first dates and start new relationships during this time if you have a position and live in an area where dating can't/will not be normal for you though others can choose to handle it differently, ie without masks, closer than 6ft. etc.  I think you should say something and put it into conversation BEFORE the date.  Otherwise how awkward would it be if she doesn't have the same approach toward the virus and doesn't know you stance and you won't go near her?  It's like a huge secret--that you won't get away with.. I think whomever you are dating from the app has formed an opinion about how they are going to manage this or their stance on it and to not express each of yours before you meet is just bound to be a mess.  My thought is the vast majority of people who have chosen to be on a dating app at this time in a location that is spiking probably have a much more open stance about masks and proximity than you do so by handling it directly upfront you can save yourself some awkwardness that might be attributed to the date itself or you personally rather than the COVID situation.  I don't think she will decline if she has a different stance but she will agree knowing what to expect. A lot of times just being honest and open brings people closer and you can't hide things from people hoping they will fall in love with you and then you will tell them (exaggerated for emphasis, ok in like with you!)

[basil67]

13 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

Lastly, with COVID, and trying to go on first dates and start new relationships during this time if you have a position and live in an area where dating can't/will not be normal for you though others can choose to handle it differently, ie without masks, closer than 6ft. etc.  I think you should say something and put it into conversation BEFORE the date.  Otherwise how awkward would it be if she doesn't have the same approach toward the virus and doesn't know you stance and you won't go near her?  It's like a huge secret--that you won't get away with.. I think whomever you are dating from the app has formed an opinion about how they are going to manage this or their stance on it and to not express each of yours before you meet is just bound to be a mess.  My thought is the vast majority of people who have chosen to be on a dating app at this time in a location that is spiking probably have a much more open stance about masks and proximity than you do so by handling it directly upfront you can save yourself some awkwardness that might be attributed to the date itself or you personally rather than the COVID situation.  I don't think she will decline if she has a different stance but she will agree knowing what to expect. A lot of times just being honest and open brings people closer and you can't hide things from people hoping they will fall in love with you and then you will tell them (exaggerated for emphasis, ok in like with you!)

This ^   Exactly what I was trying to say with my previous rambling sentence.

 

[max3732]

9 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

ok, well you are very lucky that you've bumped into two ladies who you are interested in and vice versa that both are into tennis like you.  That's good.  I think you just want to be careful of taking them to the same place.  Idk, bad form IMO.  But I stand corrected with the additional info since it is something she is that into it's normal that you asked her to play, especially in light of COVID and limited activity possibilities--looks like you did gauge her interests and vibe.  I think you just still want to be cautious of doing tennis dates in general (not only during COVID) as a first date.  It's such a big hobby of yours that I think it's important not to put the activity before the person if that makes sense.  Dating is the purpose not the activity.  Getting to know the person vs WHATEVER you choose to do.  With an activity that you would do anyway for fun, it gets a little fuzzy.

Ok, onto the next part.hmmm if she is blowing you off there probably is not much you can do to resurrect it.  Remember bumble is fast, low investment.  That said, same as the other ones, she's a stranger and there is not much to lose.  I think the best strategy to get back in touch on the app with a sentence or two.  IMO, don't ask for a "what's happening with your schedule" or follow up on the tennis date scheduling. NO, don't do that.  It's annoying pressure.  She said she would let you know so "trust" that she will.  The secret is that you don't really know if she will confirm some time for the date but you PROCEED as if she eventually will and you are simply interested in her which is the confident move.  Asking IMO (besides pressure) is showing your hand that you are worried about it, needy etc.  So whatever you talked about the other day (hopefully something besides tennIs) just contact her about that to "continue the conversation".  Again, this is why I keep pressing you to get good with small talk because if you did so, it should be easy to pick one of the lighthearted subjects you messaged about the other day and just spin a new, additional conversation about it.   If tennis is all you talked about then it's ok (i guess) to bring that up but pick the subject within tennis that is as far as possible away from a pregnant pause where you are hinting about or it could be assumed that you are hinting about your own date with her.  And switch off the tennis subject as fast as possible so that is clear.The point of contacting her is to a) check in to say hi because she interests you simply that b) some light flirting, cause she is a girl you are interested in.  The "purpose" doesn't need to be more than that.  Of course, if she brings up the tennis date and wants to schedule it do that. Otherwise be breezy.

I think you should be in touch because most guys that are legitimately pursuing her are getting in touch this often. I think it will also help you to not get stuck in some limbo and be realistic and not dejected if she's effectively disappeared.  It's a numbers game on a lot of levels. Generally, I would say to get to the point and ask a person out on an app but you did that already and there are dual purposes of generating interest, showing interest as well--and you need some practice here being more playful so it has a purpose for you personally.

Lastly, with COVID, and trying to go on first dates and start new relationships during this time if you have a position and live in an area where dating can't/will not be normal for you though others can choose to handle it differently, ie without masks, closer than 6ft. etc.  I think you should say something and put it into conversation BEFORE the date.  Otherwise how awkward would it be if she doesn't have the same approach toward the virus and doesn't know you stance and you won't go near her?  It's like a huge secret--that you won't get away with.. I think whomever you are dating from the app has formed an opinion about how they are going to manage this or their stance on it and to not express each of yours before you meet is just bound to be a mess.  My thought is the vast majority of people who have chosen to be on a dating app at this time in a location that is spiking probably have a much more open stance about masks and proximity than you do so by handling it directly upfront you can save yourself some awkwardness that might be attributed to the date itself or you personally rather than the COVID situation.  I don't think she will decline if she has a different stance but she will agree knowing what to expect. A lot of times just being honest and open brings people closer and you can't hide things from people hoping they will fall in love with you and then you will tell them (exaggerated for emphasis, ok in like with you!)

Yep, I feel very lucky and fortunate to have found 2 beautiful women into tennis that also seem to have a lot of other things in common.

Sent another message to the 2nd match and she responded right away. If she were blowing me off completely I don't think she'd respond with somewhat long message and immediately. If she comes back and says she can't do it should I ask for another time or how should I proceed? 

With the 1st match (that lives right next to a court in a hard hit Corona location) I think I'm still ok playing but I will let her know I'm going to be careful. I'd sent her a joke video about guys playing with hazmat suits and going completely overboard, so what if I reference that and say something like "we don't have to go as far as in the video, but I'm concerned about the virus since I'm at risk due to some medication I'm taking and am need to be careful as far as distance"? 

Also, how should I follow up with her before I reserve the court?

Edited July 6, 2020 by max3732

[rjc149]

7 minutes ago, max3732 said:

what if I reference that and say something like "we don't have to go as far as in the video, but I'm concerned about the virus since I'm at risk due to some medication I'm taking and am need to be careful as far as distance"? 

Also, how should I follow up with her before I reserve the court?

Dude--- way too much information. Not sexy to tell a woman you've never met about your medications and health status. TMI. 

Also, it's fairly clear that you're not interested in advice that suggests not dating at all right now with a pandemic going on. Barring that, I would strongly suggest not planning first dates that are physical activities, like tennis matches, dance lessons, hikes, skydiving, etc. and especially not activities that require reservations, and require you to follow up with your date and confirm the meeting. It communicates that you are more interested in this than she is. It's approval-seeking and needy, and it places possibly uncomfortable expectations on her. You dramatically increase the probability of her flaking. 

Just because she also likes tennis doesn't mean she's a match for you or that there will be any romantic chemistry. I would suggest having a 1st date where you can sit down over drinks and have a conversation and flirt. If there is chemistry, then you can plan subsequent dates that are more elaborate. But for the 1st date, really the first several dates, keep it easy, simple, casual, and with no expectations. This will put her at ease, and allow her to open up to you. 

[max3732]

6 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

Dude--- way too much information. Not sexy to tell a woman you've never met about your medications and health status. TMI. 

Also, it's fairly clear that you're not interested in advice that suggests not dating at all right now with a pandemic going on. Barring that, I would strongly suggest not planning first dates that are physical activities, like tennis matches, dance lessons, hikes, skydiving, etc. and especially not activities that require reservations, and require you to follow up with your date and confirm the meeting. It communicates that you are more interested in this than she is. It's approval-seeking and needy, and it places possibly uncomfortable expectations on her. You dramatically increase the probability of her flaking. 

Just because she also likes tennis doesn't mean she's a match for you or that there will be any romantic chemistry. I would suggest having a 1st date where you can sit down over drinks and have a conversation and flirt. If there is chemistry, then you can plan subsequent dates that are more elaborate. But for the 1st date, really the first several dates, keep it easy, simple, casual, and with no expectations. This will put her at ease, and allow her to open up to you. 

I'd be fine meeting people through dating sites and then holding off meeting them in person until this pandemic is over. Besides having tennis in common that's the only thing I can think of doing with someone where we stay apart and can still have fun. Even if we met at a park you've got a ton of people walking around and we'd probably sit closer together than I'd feel comfortable. I'd be happy not hitting a single ball and just talking from our seats 6 feet away.

As far as the reservation, if I don't get it there might not be a court available. It requires a credit card to hold it at her place and it's pretty expensive. So what if I just say something like "you see tomorrow morning on the courts!" instead of asking to confirm.

Before the pandemic I was going short, casual dates like you described. Right now I'm not going tor restaurants or anything.

[rjc149]

2 minutes ago, max3732 said:

Besides having tennis in common that's the only thing I can think of doing with someone where we stay apart and can still have fun. Even if we met at a park you've got a ton of people walking around and we'd probably sit closer together than I'd feel comfortable. 

Then you're not going to have successful dates. Or at least, it's highly unlikely that you will. A successful date establishes sexual chemistry, where it's either physically acted upon, or obvious and mutually acknowledged. Otherwise you're just meeting up with a buddy to play some tennis. 

4 minutes ago, max3732 said:

As far as the reservation, if I don't get it there might not be a court available. It requires a credit card to hold it at her place and it's pretty expensive. So what if I just say something like "you see tomorrow morning on the courts!" instead of asking to confirm.

You're missing my point. It's not about making sure you have a reservation for this tennis date. My point is not planning dates, like tennis dates, that require you to make some kind of reservation, and place a formal expectation for her to show up and physically participate. 

It's far, far better to simply suggest a cozy little bar or lounge that requires no reservation, and say "does 7PM work? Great. See you then." This is very casual, informal, and laid-back. She can show up a little fashionably late, and if she's not feeling it, she has an easy out. This will put her at ease, make her comfortable, and place both of you in a situation where you can flirt, laugh over some drinks, and escalate physically. 

A lot of people here are trying to figure out ways around this time-honored method of romantic interaction. I'm not saying a tennis/hiking/skydiving/Skype 1st dates will automatically fail. Broken clocks still show the correct time twice a day. But you're getting yourself into the weeds on the details of a fairly poor, low-probability 1st date idea. I suggest trying better, higher-probability 1st dates, and waiting until it's safe/feasible to have them. 

[SumGuy]

7 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

...

It's far, far better to simply suggest a cozy little bar or lounge that requires no reservation, 

That would be all well and good if there was no COVID-19 around where OP lives, but that is not the reality.

[rjc149]

19 minutes ago, max3732 said:

As far as the reservation, if I don't get it there might not be a court available. It requires a credit card to hold it at her place and it's pretty expensive. So what if I just say something like "you see tomorrow morning on the courts!" instead of asking to confirm.

Let me first emphasize that this is showing wayyy to much interest in her off the bat. Making an expensive reservation to have a 1st date is a bad way to go, dude. The classic guy dating mistakes -- being needy, approval-seeking, over-eager, communicating lack of options and desperation, placing her on a pedestal, needing to buy affection --- all boxes are checked. 

But if the date is a formal meeting that requires reservations and confirmation, then I would actually ask her "hey, are we good for tomorrow morning?" and get a solid yes or no. If she's going to flake, flush it out. Protect your time and money. 

[rjc149]

2 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

That would be all well and good if there was no COVID-19 around where OP lives, but that is not the reality.

The reality is that proper dating is on hiatus right now. Some people accept that, some people won't. 

[SumGuy]

22 minutes ago, max3732 said:

...

As far as the reservation, if I don't get it there might not be a court available. It requires a credit card to hold it at her place and it's pretty expensive. So what if I just say something like "you see tomorrow morning on the courts!" instead of asking to confirm.

...

Did you already set an agreed upon time?  If so saying looking forward to see her tomorrow morning is a easy going way to confirm...she'll be wondering about you confirming as well.

On the reservation, would make it first before you contact her, after all you may not be able to get the court at the agreed upon time. 

On the cost and her backing out, that is a risk you'll just have to take.  Do you have a good friend who could be a back-up plan in case she is a no show? Who would come play at the last minute?  If so reach out to them, otherwise pick-up game and bring hand sanitizier for after handling the ball.