Getting a house . no name on title?...

[Jane3322]

Hi everyone,

   My bf and I have been dating for 2 years and we are both tired of wasting money on rent, therefore we have been thinking about getting a home. Now of course , there are some issues that arise. 
1) since he Wants to put the down payment, he told me he will not put my name on the house since I am not putting down (however I would be helping him with the monthly payment). This made me feel unfair and uncomfortable

2) he has a 6 year old son. He told me that in order for us to move in, I would have to play step mom and take him to school etc. I told him in return that I am there to support them, but it is not my daily duty to take someone else’s child to school

3) we are not married, and I’m still unsure of how assets/property works when married. I don’t know if he purposely doesn’t marry me or have my name on the home just Incase it doesn’t work out.

4) another part of the reason why we want a home is because he is 35 and still lives with his mom and his son. I myself, rent my own apartment and we spend the majority of the time here since it’s private (he does not contribute to any of my housing costs)

5) another reason why he has not moved yet is because in the past he has been baker acted when he tried to move out because it ended up being too stressful for him.

6) I know you are all thinking what is wrong with me lol. But he has been the only man who has ever loved me , and we get along great. We love each other and he accepts me for me. I just don’t know if he’s taking me for granted at times given the circumstances that he still gets to hang out with me since I have my own place as well as having his mom help him out at home. He says he is waiting for the prices to lower to buy but I’m hesitant over the whole name not on my home issue.

thoughts...?

 

 

 

[elaine567]

If your name is not on the title deeds and you are not married then you have no legal right to the house.
DO NOT agree to any of this.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Don't ever agree to buying a home with someone and not being on paperwork!  I'd also be leery to buy a home with someone who considered moving out of his mom's house so stressful he ended up in psychiatric care.

Also, if you do end up moving in together, take the kid to school. Be an active participant or don't date a person with a child.

[Art_Critic]

Every payment you make will go to pay down the loan amount and increase the principle, increasing his net worth

IMO you should stay rent free and pay for stuff like household items and such, I have been where he is as I've always owned my own house since I was young and every GF that ever lived with me never paid a dime in rent, the house was my idea, my responsibility and the only thing they were to bring to the table was whatever they needed to make it their home, I paid for all the bills too since the bills were there even if they weren't.

Your BF needs a better viewpoint to look at this thru instead of the selfish one  he is using now.

 

 

Edited June 28, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Emilie Jolie]

57 minutes ago, Jane3322 said:

I just don’t know if he’s taking me for granted at times given the circumstances that he still gets to hang out with me since I have my own place as well as having his mom help him out at home. He says he is waiting for the prices to lower to buy but I’m hesitant over the whole name not on my home issue.

 

If your name isn't on the deeds, only move in with him if it benefits you financially, ie if it dramatically reduce your current rent/bills expenses and allows you to save up a deposit for your own home in my opinion.

He's not helping you with your bills or rent at present, so there's an obvious double-standard - he's not acting on principle, he's acting for his own interest only. I personally don't see the name thing being an issue because it's his house, but I wouldn't want to have my SO as my landlord, in effect. Sharing the bills is totally fine (I think), but paying his mortgage for no return is not.

As for his son, it's a little unrealistic of you to think you can take a step back while living under the same roof. It comes with the package. For this reason alone, If you're not prepared to do the school run or equivalent, you need to think this arrangement through very carefully.

[Crazelnut]

See a lawyer pronto. And do NOT pay one penny towards a house that doesn't have your name on it!!

Also, seriously think about this situation. You say you don't want to "parent" someone else's child, but you're basically signing up to take care of a man-child who still lives with Mommy because the big bad real world is too stressful. Think about what your life will be like, taking care of 2 people!!

Please rethink this relationship and the whole house-buying thing.

[d0nnivain]

It's sometimes harder to get out of a joint mortgage then a marriage. Think about that. 

If you are expected to be on the mortgage -- on the hook for the repayment of the loan -- only do that if you are on the deed & have ownership in the property with a right a survival if he dies.  

If he wants to buy a house on his own & have you live there but contribute to the household expenses -- amounts you already pay like utilities, cable, groceries etc -- that might be an OK arrangement which would leave you free to walk away if things don't work out.  But you get zero equity in the house.  

Do understand he is looking for all the benefits of a co-parent with none of the obligations or responsibilities.  The kid will pick up on your 2nd class status in the house, not respect your authority & exploit that to destroy your romance with the dad.   

All in all it sounds like this guy is trying to give you crumbs but convince you that you should be grateful.  Let him but a house.  You stay put & just keep dating.  If he needs your income to qualify for the mortgage do not get involved.  You two will have too hard of a time untangling the finances when you split up.  

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Jane3322 said:

1) since he Wants to put the down payment, he told me he will not put my name on the house since I am not putting down (however I would be helping him with the monthly payment). This made me feel unfair and uncomfortable.

If you are not putting any money down on the home, you have no right to put your name on the mortgage. if you want to be treated like a fair and equal partner, you need to be one. 
 

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2) he has a 6 year old son. He told me that in order for us to move in, I would have to play step mom and take him to school etc. I told him in return that I am there to support them, but it is not my daily duty to take someone else’s child to school

Yikes! First of all, you don’t “play”step mother. If you stay with this man and potentially marry this man, you will be the child’s step mother. And, as such, you will be required to make certain sacrifices and probably assist with some responsibilities - particularly because the child is young. 

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3) we are not married, and I’m still unsure of how assets/property works when married. I don’t know if he purposely doesn’t marry me or have my name on the home just Incase it doesn’t work out.

Have you talked about marriage? Have you consulted a lawyer? What assets do you bring to the relationship? What debts? Lots to consider, and if you haven’t done so already you should consult a lawyer if you are considering moving in together or buying a home together. He may be protecting his assets, and rightfully so. You should be doing the same. When I moved in with my partner, we got a cohabitation agreement that protects both our assets in the event of separation. 

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5) another reason why he has not moved yet is because in the past he has been baker acted when he tried to move out because it ended up being too stressful for him.

Well, this is a big red flag for you to heed. 

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6) I know you are all thinking what is wrong with me lol. But he has been the only man who has ever loved me , and we get along great. We love each other and he accepts me for me. I just don’t know if he’s taking me for granted at times given the circumstances that he still gets to hang out with me since I have my own place as well as having his mom help him out at home. He says he is waiting for the prices to lower to buy but I’m hesitant over the whole name not on my home issue.

As I would be as well. I refused to move in with my partner when he asked because I owned my own home and I didn’t want to lose my investment by moving into a home when my name was not on the mortgage. He understood, and we bought a home together where both our names will be on the mortgage. But, we invested equal amounts for the down payment and we will be sharing all costs. Again, you have no right to put your name on the mortgage if you don’t contribute to the down payment. Regardless of whether you will contribute to the other costs. 
 

Edited June 28, 2020 by BaileyB

[Ruby Slippers]

I agree don't put a penny into a house you have no legal claim on or you'll lose every bit of it if you break up.

If you were to marry, you'd have all kinds of legal and financial protections. Without marrying, you have none of that. 

No way would I assume stepmom duties for a BOYFRIEND. There's nothing in.this arrangement for you but obligation. He gets free childcare. 

In your situation, I'd keep my apartment and take turns visiting, save for my own house down payment, not put a penny into HIS house.

This guy is trying to set up a situation where he gets all the benefits and you have no real security - not the behavior of a loving, caring man. 

[d0nnivain]

4 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

If you are not putting any money down on the home, you have no right to put your name on the mortgage. if you want to be treated like a fair and equal partner, you need to be one. 
 

I think you are mixing up title & mortgage, BaileyB.  If she doesn't have a chunk of cash to put as the down payment but if her income will be considered by the bank when then make a decision to loan the money & she will be contributing to the monthly payments, she will be on the mortgage & be obligated to pay back the entire loan even if her BF defaults.  Being on the mortgage is not a privilege.  It's a legal contractual obligation.  Being on the title gives her ownership rights. That is the part the BF won't give her. 

I do agree that if the OP wants equality in this relationship she needs to pony up something toward the down payment.  Even if she can't come up with 10% of the purchase price a coupe of thousand dollars would help either to save some liquidity for the BF or to boost the down payment over 20%  guaranteeing that they won't have to pay PMI.  

Jane3322 -- I'll leave you with this cautionary tale of woe.  An acquaintance of mine did what you are thinking about.  She was smart enough to ask her BF to make a will giving her certain rights if he died.  He told her he did but he didn't.  He died of Covid.  Now his family is kicking her out with no equity and taking the car she bought with her money but he's the only one on the title so she could get his cheaper car insurance.  Because she has no paperwork showing ownership, she's out on her ass in a pandemic!

[preraph]

You can't be a part owner because you're not putting up money, so you can't be on the mortgage and nor should you want to be since you're not married.  You will be a renter.  He will be responsible for repairs, etc.  If you're on the mortgage, you can look forward to splitting putting a new roof, etc.  So you just be a renter and stop all talk of sharing the house equally when you're not married and he's 35 and still living with mommy and it may not work out anyway.  He is looking for someone to foist his kid responsibilities off onto, and I agree you do not agree to do that.  See, he is about to make you his new mommy, and he's probably going to get his back up about it if you don't just fill her shoes.  He probably needs a babysitter worse than he needs a roommate, to be honest.  But don't agree to anything you won't willingly do.  That child should be mainly his responsibility.  If he's not ready to marry you and share assets, then why should you be willing to mother his child and do the taxi-ing and babysitting?  

[BaileyB]

Ugh, Donnivain, that’s terrible. It’s those kinds of stories that drove me to the lawyer, even though my partner questioned whether it was worth the significant expense. 

Thank you for the clarification. To me, they have both naturally gone hand in hand... I still say my name would not be on a mortgage if it was also not on the title... and it would be on neither without some form of legal protection. Preraph is right, if he pays the down payment, his name should be on the mortgage and title, and you will be a renter. 

That was my fear when my partner asked me to move in and live at his home, paying rent indefinitely (the plan was to get a home when his son graduated high school). If something happened to him, his will states that the home would go to his son. Now, it gets complicated because after a certain period of time you are considered common law partners and there are also homestead laws which is why we sought the guidance of a lawyer. My worst fear was that something would happen to him and his ex wife would show up on our doorstep with his son - and I would be out. And, I would have to get back into the market having lost a home that I loved and the value that home would have gained in the time we lived together. That was not in my best interest, which he understood. So, we planned accordingly...

Edited June 28, 2020 by BaileyB

[d0nnivain]

4 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Thank you for the clarification. To me, they have both naturally gone hand in hand... I still say my name would not be on a mortgage if it was also not on the title... and it would be on neither without some form of legal protection. 

Exactly but Jane3322 -- do not take on the obligation (mortgage) without the benefit (title).  

[preraph]

The thing is, if he does decide to marry you, depending if you in a community property state or not, then you may share his assets.  Marital property state, you would split assets.  Community property state, you split anything bought together after being married only.  

 

However, if he asks you to marry him, you can ask him to sign a prenup saying that you will be half-owner of the mortgage (and pay half of everything, repairs, mortgage, etc.) so that at divorce or death, you will get half (or whole if your wills give it to each other, but he ill likely name his child).  So even if you're in the wrong type state to split half, if he signs the prenup as a condition of marrying, then you own half the home.  To me, that isn't unreasonable IF you have been paying 50% of the mortgage every month and helping run the household, even if you don't pay for half the roof, etc.  If he doesn't agree or doesn't ever marry you, you'll be left hanging but at least you'll have some money to save while he pays the upkeep on his home over the years.  So don't neglect to do just that.  Save your money.

[preraph]

You don't get the title until you get the mortgage paid off.  If a condition of his is you have to do most of the childcare, I think you'd both be better off separate and he can hire childcare.  Because you're not getting anything out of this really and I don't know if you'll be happy in this arrangement anyway.  I'm afraid he's going to just leave the childcare to you no matter how much you tell him no.  I think you'll end up falling out, quite honestly.  Have you even considered why you want to live with him?  Why not just stay put and maybe buy yourself a home instead of paying rent?  Rent to own if you have to.

[BaileyB]

20 minutes ago, preraph said:

 I think you'll end up falling out, quite honestly. 

Agree. These are two of the things couples fight abut the most, money and parenting. If you are not in agreement with how they will be managed and if both partners don’t feel that they are being respected, it’s very possible that you will have a falling out and this could be the demise of the relationship.

Big issues - to have a successful long term relationship you will need to be in agreement with both. 

Edited June 28, 2020 by BaileyB

[preraph]

He's probably thinking he'll agree to anything but she'll just do it rather than have a fight about it.  

[ShyViolet]

DO NOT have your name on this house.  Your relationship doesn't sound solid enough to be buying a house together.  Have him buy the house himself, in his name only, and then if you move in, then you simply pay him a fair amount of rent for living there.  

[Ellener]

In Texas there is no 'title' document as such, you establish your rights to property via your relationship with it, eg paying off a mortgage in your ( single or joint )  name, being married to someone, a last will and testament to transfer property rights etc. 

I remember being vaguely disappointed to pay off a mortgage and not receive a 'deed of ownership' paper! But it's done via 'property deed searches' and the public recording of people who take on properties here, and a title search company gives you a deed warranty as part of your mortgage after researching the property history. 

@Jane3322 weigh up the advantages of putting your name on the mortgage versus not. Which gives you the greater sense of security.

If you are married in my state ( community property state ) it makes no difference, you will probably have to sign any documents such as a mortgage and I was entitled to half our marital home when we divorced though I never lived in the home and didn't technically pay a penny of that mortgage; I would however have been liable if my husband had defaulted.

6 hours ago, Jane3322 said:

I would have to play step mom and take him to school etc. I told him in return that I am there to support them, but it is not my daily duty to take someone else’s child to school

This is way more important. You don't want to be a 'mother figure'. A parent has to be permanently committed to any and all needs of a child, for a very long time, if you don't want that then you are better as a lodger and just pay your share of rent etc.

You'll all be happier to have these things worked out ahead of time. Many families will be multi-generational following the pandemic and financial necessity. 

[Azincourt]

9 hours ago, Jane3322 said:

Hi everyone,

   My bf and I have been dating for 2 years and we are both tired of wasting money on rent, therefore we have been thinking about getting a home. Now of course , there are some issues that arise. 
1) since he Wants to put the down payment, he told me he will not put my name on the house since I am not putting down (however I would be helping him with the monthly payment). This made me feel unfair and uncomfortable

2) he has a 6 year old son. He told me that in order for us to move in, I would have to play step mom and take him to school etc. I told him in return that I am there to support them, but it is not my daily duty to take someone else’s child to school

3) we are not married, and I’m still unsure of how assets/property works when married. I don’t know if he purposely doesn’t marry me or have my name on the home just Incase it doesn’t work out.

4) another part of the reason why we want a home is because he is 35 and still lives with his mom and his son. I myself, rent my own apartment and we spend the majority of the time here since it’s private (he does not contribute to any of my housing costs)

5) another reason why he has not moved yet is because in the past he has been baker acted when he tried to move out because it ended up being too stressful for him.

6) I know you are all thinking what is wrong with me lol. But he has been the only man who has ever loved me , and we get along great. We love each other and he accepts me for me. I just don’t know if he’s taking me for granted at times given the circumstances that he still gets to hang out with me since I have my own place as well as having his mom help him out at home. He says he is waiting for the prices to lower to buy but I’m hesitant over the whole name not on my home issue.

thoughts...?

 

 

 

1- he's the one who came up with the downpayment for the house. That ain't easy these days. Makes sense he doesn't want your name on the deed.

2 - If you don't want to deal with children, don't date men who have children.

3 - he probably doesn't want to get married.

4-  He's a smart guy. Why waste his money renting a house when he can live with his aging mother. He takes care of her and does all the chores that she is too old to do.

I know a guy who is 50 years old and other than a small period of time(6 months) living with his then girlfriend, when he was in his 30s, he has since moved back to his father's house, and why shouldn't he. He's going to inherit the house in any case, why waste money renting or buying a house.

5- He doesn't see any point in moving out. That's his childhood home. His mother is a widow, right?  She's an  aging old lady. Having a middle-aged man at home, her son, helping her with everyday life, carrying the groceries, fixing the house, taking care of her? He's a good son.

6 - Buying a house is too much drama and hassle, and most romantic relationships/marriage don't work up, and all the time and money invested vanishes, so why bother with any of that. Keep on renting the house you're in, have the guy stay in his house, and that way the both of you have your own place, and your money is your money, you don't risk losing a house, and he doesn't have to feel stressed out moving out of his mom's house.

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You'll all be happier to have these things worked out ahead of time. Many families will be multi-generational following the pandemic and financial necessity. 

My grandparents bought their home 70 years ago.

2 stories building. A couple their own age lived  on the upper floor of the building until a few years ago. Then they sold it off, and went back to their village to live their last few years there.

An elderly coupled move in soon. With that couple came their four sons, all of them in their late 20s and early to mid 30s, plus their girlfriends.

That's 10 people living in a house with only 5 rooms and 1 bathroom.

They have another son but that son is living with his wife.

I see that happening all around. Couples either living with their parents well into their 40s,  or living together but with fathers and mothers-in-law, brothers-in-law, it's like the western nations(I've seen this happen in the USA, France, Portugal, Italy, Spain etc) are slowly becoming  like India.

The way I see it, unless a guy is rich or owns his own house before the age of 35 with the mortgage already paid off,  he shouldn't bother with marriage or children. What's fun about living with someone's father-in-law? Or her  brother? 

And then children will be born, and the house will turn into something like Military barracks. Yikes.

Edited June 28, 2020 by Azincourt

[Jane3322]

Hi everyone,

thanks for all the comments. I am 28 years old, so I am still trying to live my best life before Commiting to something that extreme.I am also learning more about this little by little. Most of you said to continue my current situation (me renting, him living with his mom etc). I totally get that it is the most comfortable/convenient thing for me to do. I don’t know if I’m asking for too much, but I go to sleep alone every Single night. I spend most days alone(obviously I work), but what I mean is , I come home to no one everyday. He can’t sleep here because he has a son. Sometimes I’m unsure if someone else would make me happy, because others wouldn’t have the same responsibilities. Many wonder why I keep him around, but as previously mentioned, I have dated many men, and no one has treated me the way he does. I am comfortable around him, feel safe, and he truly loves me. I am a pretty girl, but I’m not sure if I’m acting like no one else would treat me the same. I just don’t want to be taken advantage of! It sucks to be the one that has the apartment, I pay rent bills all alone, and I just feel like he gets to have his cake and eat it too(by living with his mom, getting free babysitting and not paying rent ).I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable or immature. Will this man ever step up and want to marry me? Will he ever leave his moms home?

[d0nnivain]

You have real concerns about his financial maturity.  Buying a house will not make him responsible.  

You're lonely but this "fix" is leaping from the frying pan into the fire.  Home repairs are expensive.  You have to do maintenance.  Appliances break & need to be replaced.  You will need a large emergency fund.  

Think practically about this decision.  

[preraph]

So now we find out he's been not sharing any rent with you but getting a lot of the perks of sharing your place?  

 

Look, has this guy EVER been out on his own?  If not, I wouldn't do it.  If he has but moved back in due to his son, then maybe, but only as a renter or I'd keep my own place.  Everyone needs to grow up by being self-reliant before they partner up!

[BaileyB]

What is it that YOU want Jane? 

Do you want to be married and share a home with this man? Do you want to be a step parent to his child? Have you had any of these discussions with the man?

We can’t tell you what he is thinking - if he is content to keep things as they are, if he will follow-through with his planned purchase of a home, or whether he considers marriage to be in his future. The only person who can answer these questions is your boyfriend... After two years dating, I would say that now is the time to be having these important decisions. You don’t really want to waste your time with a man who’s future goals do not align with yours...

Nobody can predict the future. But, the best predictor of the future is the past. And here, we have a man who has perhaps tried to move out and found it overwhelming. Perhaps it would be different if he had a partner. In which case, you have to figure out how much you are willing to GIVE to be together. And what would you expect from him. I do believe it would still be a risk, given his past experiences. How responsible is this man? Does he have a good job? How much does he rely on his mother to parent his child? Is he financially stable? You need to consider all these things. It sounds great, let’s save money on rent and move in together but it’s immensely complicated - because of the child, and if there is a potential home purchase. 

But the first step is getting really honest with yourself to determine what you want for your future. And then, to have the hard discussion... 

Edited June 29, 2020 by BaileyB

[Ruby Slippers]

Absolutely, he needs to live on his own for a while and be an independent adult and dad before he lives with a girlfriend or considers marriage. I'd let him get established on his own and then see if he matures in his thinking around the future.