Getting a house . no name on title?...

[Ellener]

5 hours ago, Jane3322 said:

Hi everyone,

thanks for all the comments. I am 28 years old, so I am still trying to live my best life before Commiting to something that extreme.I am also learning more about this little by little. Most of you said to continue my current situation (me renting, him living with his mom etc). I totally get that it is the most comfortable/convenient thing for me to do. I don’t know if I’m asking for too much, but I go to sleep alone every Single night. I spend most days alone(obviously I work), but what I mean is , I come home to no one everyday. He can’t sleep here because he has a son. Sometimes I’m unsure if someone else would make me happy, because others wouldn’t have the same responsibilities. Many wonder why I keep him around, but as previously mentioned, I have dated many men, and no one has treated me the way he does. I am comfortable around him, feel safe, and he truly loves me. I am a pretty girl, but I’m not sure if I’m acting like no one else would treat me the same. I just don’t want to be taken advantage of! It sucks to be the one that has the apartment, I pay rent bills all alone, and I just feel like he gets to have his cake and eat it too(by living with his mom, getting free babysitting and not paying rent ).I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable or immature. Will this man ever step up and want to marry me? Will he ever leave his moms home?

So your needs are not met here unless you are happy to spend significant amounts of time alone? And some people are.

Only you can decide.

The only thing I would say is unless you can simply love the child in the picture ( and the mother once she becomes a total dependent ) you will be fighting your own considerate nature to go into the situation.

 

[basil67]

4 hours ago, Jane3322 said:

Will this man ever step up and want to marry me?

I think that this is a more important question than the house at this point.   Is marrying him and being step mother to his child something you really want?   If it is what you want, this needs to be sorted out before you talk about being on a house title with him.   And given how he's taken advantage of you staying at your place so much, I do worry that you'd be placed in financial risk if you did settle down with him.

 

[deepthinking]

I see no mention of who pays for utilities, too, I hope you are not silently being set up as food-buyer, shopping/paying for 3, if/when you  move in.

He is not even offering you a ring!

Edited June 29, 2020 by deepthinking
new thought

[Redhead14]

On 6/28/2020 at 7:40 AM, Jane3322 said:

Hi everyone,

   My bf and I have been dating for 2 years

Congratulations.  You've been downgraded from girlfriend to roommate with benefits . . .  AND, you're not his wife but he wants you to play step mom???  And, mark my words, you'll be playing the role of wife, cooking, cleaning, laundry but you won't have that status.  That's bullsh*t.  The only one who is benefiting from this "arrangement" is him.  There is an old saying "never do laundry for a man who isn't your husband" (and even then think twice

I wouldn't be buying a house with a boyfriend unless there was a ring on my finger anyway.  Have you two been discussing marriage at all?  I wouldn't move in with him.  I'd keep my own place until he makes it clear that he is working toward marrying you.  This situation doesn't look like he's moving in the direction. It sounds more like glorified nanny . . .

 

Edited June 29, 2020 by Redhead14

[Art_Critic]

There is an old quote that might ring true here:

Quote

Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option

That seems to be what is happening, we aren't saying he doesn't like you but you don't seem to be on his map for priorities and are an option at this point.

I get that he has a kid but if you are to be with him then you need to be in the mix as well and treated as such. You are valuable and lovable and you should remember that.

 

Edited June 29, 2020 by Art_Critic

[Jane3322]

I mean he does make time for me, we spend every fri and Saturday night together. I’m just confused as to how long will I put up with him always coming to my apartment to hang out, while he gets to have me as well as have his mom watch his son and cook clean for him etc. I worry he is taking advantage of the fact that I’m just someone who puts up with all of this. I’m really stuck on how long he plans to continue this living situation we have . Am I really just an option to him? I have a great job, great income, I’m pretty, I don’t have baggage, no debt, great credit score, no records, nothing bad at all. I feel like any man who has a woman that puts up with his issues would have ran to buy her a ring lol. But I just don’t know if it’s just how his personality is. He has a “milk it as much as I can” personality. For example , he will not buy his own gym membership. He will only go with a friend who has the membership already so that he won’t have to pay. He also drives 1 hour to his sisters house , just so that his son can jump on the trampoline  (instead of just buying him one). He brings his son to my home sometimes just so that he can watch Disney plus so that he won’t have to pay the monthly costs . He makes good money as well, just very cheap and wants to use others for things he doesn’t want to pay for. He buys me food all the time etc, but I have $2500 monthly expenses, and he refuses to pay for a vacation for us. He only gives his mother $300 per month. I’m venting guys sorry lol

[preraph]

He's a cheapskate!  FFS don't stay with him.  You know what you are to him?  A good bargain.  NO.

[Redhead14]

17 minutes ago, Jane3322 said:

I mean he does make time for me, we spend every fri and Saturday night together. I’m just confused as to how long will I put up with him always coming to my apartment to hang out, while he gets to have me as well as have his mom watch his son and cook clean for him etc. I worry he is taking advantage of the fact that I’m just someone who puts up with all of this. I’m really stuck on how long he plans to continue this living situation we have . Am I really just an option to him? I have a great job, great income, I’m pretty, I don’t have baggage, no debt, great credit score, no records, nothing bad at all. I feel like any man who has a woman that puts up with his issues would have ran to buy her a ring lol. But I just don’t know if it’s just how his personality is. He has a “milk it as much as I can” personality. For example , he will not buy his own gym membership. He will only go with a friend who has the membership already so that he won’t have to pay. He also drives 1 hour to his sisters house , just so that his son can jump on the trampoline  (instead of just buying him one). He brings his son to my home sometimes just so that he can watch Disney plus so that he won’t have to pay the monthly costs . He makes good money as well, just very cheap and wants to use others for things he doesn’t want to pay for. He buys me food all the time etc, but I have $2500 monthly expenses, and he refuses to pay for a vacation for us. He only gives his mother $300 per month. I’m venting guys sorry lol

Jane, this guy is a parasite.  You don't need that.  This guy isn't your boyfriend.  He's just some guy that sleeps with you two nights a week and now wants you to be his nanny/housekeeper.  There isn't anything about what you're describing that shows that he views you as a girlfriend.  He treats you more like a Friday Night Gal (even though he gets Saturday too).  I say dump him.  You are going to find yourself doing all the work in this relationship (if you aren't already) and the frustration and resentment will mount exponentially over time, I promise you. 

To quote you:  "I feel like any man who has a woman that puts up with his issues would have ran to buy her a ring lol. " - Any woman who puts up with his issues wouldn't accept a ring from him and would just continue to use him for sex until something better comes along.  That's basically what I think he's doing to you. 

[Ruby Slippers]

4 hours ago, Jane3322 said:

I have a great job, great income, I’m pretty, I don’t have baggage, no debt, great credit score, no records, nothing bad at all. 

All this and you're 28? I think you can do way better than this guy. Still living with his mother at 35 is a big strike against him. Having a young child is another. The mental health breakdown when he tried moving out before is another. Trying to get you to buy in to this mortgage with zero ownership claim is another.

I wouldn't date a man for having any one of these qualities, let alone all 4.

You shouldn't have any problem meeting a man who's grownup enough to live on his own, with no kids, and no serious mental health issues.

You're feeling unenthused about this potential move because your intuition is telling you this guy is going to be a big weight on your shoulders. It seems he already is, but this would only get worse if you lived together.

[basil67]

Jane, it's great that you're venting.  The more you write, the more it seems he's a completely unsuitable candidate for a long term thing.    Please keep writing and venting - it should help you find clarity.

[Jane3322]

I think the biggest thing holding me back is not finding someone who loves me like he did. Of course, everyone is different with pros and cons. I don’t have many friends, so I also worry about loneliness. 

[basil67]

Jane, what does he do which makes you feel loved?   

And yes, there are pros and cons with everyone, but his pros would have to be amazing to make up for the cons.

[BaileyB]

I will offer you this Jane, healthy relationships progress. The move forward, as both partners take steps to be together - dating, staying over, moving in together, engagement, marriage... but, the progress in lots of little ways too. It sounds to me that you are concerned that your relationship has stopped progressing. And, that sounds like a very valid concern.

i would also say, if you want to get a good sense of a person’s character - watch how they treat other people. It goes beyond leaving a good tip at the restaurant... how does he treat his family, his friends, his son. Perhaps he is just really tight with his money as some people are. Does he show generosity in other ways or does he feel owed/entitled or seek to take advantage of others. It sounds by your words and your worry that it may be the latter, which is a big concern moving forward.

The last thing you want is for this man to move out of his mother’s home into yours, with the expectation that you will pay the bills, care for his son, clean his home, cook his dinner, etc... One sided relationships don’t tend to work well. This man has no idea what it takes to meet the financial and practical requirements to live as a fully independent person - and he has another little person who depends on him! I don’t know that I would ever move in with a man who has not lived in his own and kept a home. Be careful here. 

You are young and you have accomplished so much in your life, you don’t need to settle.

Edited June 29, 2020 by BaileyB

[Crazelnut]

One thing that you learn as you grow and mature is that no BF, spouse, lover, etc. can make you happy. You have to learn to be happy as your own person. Make your own friends. Follow your own interests. It's great if you can find a partner who complements you, but --trust me on this -- a crappy relationship won't save you from loneliness or make you happy. It eventually does the opposite. Plus, you're only 28! You're too young to sign up to be a nanny, housekeeper, and mommy to a grown azz man!

[preraph]

Wise words, Crazelnut 

[Ellener]

16 hours ago, Jane3322 said:

I think the biggest thing holding me back is not finding someone who loves me like he did. Of course, everyone is different with pros and cons. I don’t have many friends, so I also worry about loneliness. 

It is difficult right now, with the pandemic. I am very lonely, I have lots of friends and acquaintances but everyone's isolating and it's dragging on for months. I hadn't hugged anyone in weeks until my son came over!

I wouldn't do anything to further the relationship until I was certain, if you're ok as you are. It doesn't sound like he's really want you want, or a ready-made family.

On the 'being cheap', I went through a phase a few years ago of learning to budget to the nth degree, it becomes a bit obsessive; and it gets on other people's nerves! There's a balance.

 

[Jane3322]

Hi everyone,

thank you all for the advice given. Lately, I am starting to feel like I’m not as excited to hang out with him . I don’t know why. I always used to look forward to it, but in my heart I feel like this relationship is just ending. I spoke to him about this, and he said he will do anything to make me happy. Even tried to plan a trip. But I actually told him I just wasn’t up for it. I have been in relationships in the past, and this is exactly how I have felt when things are coming to an end. My heart tells me to stay but my mind has always told me to leave. Again, I just don’t know if I’m being immature,needy or just bored. I actually once had a friend tell me this when I mentioned him:  “if you see fire, do you run towards it or away from it”.  She said he is the fire. 

[BaileyB]

People always told me when I was dating that when the right person and along, I would know it. And, that is certainly what happened. Your heart and mind will be excited about the man and you will be looking toward the future with excitement.

If your intuition is telling you something is wrong here, that’s probably because it is... 

[Hopeful30]

On 6/28/2020 at 7:40 AM, Jane3322 said:

Hi everyone,

   My bf and I have been dating for 2 years and we are both tired of wasting money on rent, therefore we have been thinking about getting a home. Now of course , there are some issues that arise. 
1) since he Wants to put the down payment, he told me he will not put my name on the house since I am not putting down (however I would be helping him with the monthly payment). This made me feel unfair and uncomfortable

2) he has a 6 year old son. He told me that in order for us to move in, I would have to play step mom and take him to school etc. I told him in return that I am there to support them, but it is not my daily duty to take someone else’s child to school

3) we are not married, and I’m still unsure of how assets/property works when married. I don’t know if he purposely doesn’t marry me or have my name on the home just Incase it doesn’t work out.

4) another part of the reason why we want a home is because he is 35 and still lives with his mom and his son. I myself, rent my own apartment and we spend the majority of the time here since it’s private (he does not contribute to any of my housing costs)

5) another reason why he has not moved yet is because in the past he has been baker acted when he tried to move out because it ended up being too stressful for him.

6) I know you are all thinking what is wrong with me lol. But he has been the only man who has ever loved me , and we get along great. We love each other and he accepts me for me. I just don’t know if he’s taking me for granted at times given the circumstances that he still gets to hang out with me since I have my own place as well as having his mom help him out at home. He says he is waiting for the prices to lower to buy but I’m hesitant over the whole name not on my home issue.

thoughts...?

 

 

 

Here is my honest opinion 🙏

1) When you go into something together, like buying a property, you go in TOGETHER. There is no your money or my money. You are a team. If he doesn't see you that way, are you truly willing to make such a commitment to him? 

2) This isn't someone else's child, this is HIS child. A part of who he is, which is a father. By approaching step motherhood with this perspective, you are hurting your partner. Perhaps that's why he does not see your equally in this relationship because deep down, he knows his son may be excluded from your plans (therefore you're excluded from his, like name on mortgage).

3) Sounds to me he wants to be clean on paper but still the convenience of a girlfriend. 

4) You must consider that this new mortgage is a bigger commitment than rent, and probably more costly. You appear to look at this from a "mine or his" perspective. 

5) What is baker acted? This anecdote is an example of how he handles big transitions/decisions. Decide for yourself how you feel about this, and honour those feelings. Gut instinct never lies 🙏

[Ruby Slippers]

18 hours ago, Jane3322 said:

I always used to look forward to it, but in my heart I feel like this relationship is just ending. I spoke to him about this, and he said he will do anything to make me happy. Even tried to plan a trip. But I actually told him I just wasn’t up for it. I have been in relationships in the past, and this is exactly how I have felt when things are coming to an end. My heart tells me to stay but my mind has always told me to leave. Again, I just don’t know if I’m being immature,needy or just bored. I actually once had a friend tell me this when I mentioned him:  “if you see fire, do you run towards it or away from it”.  She said he is the fire. 

Your friend is right, and I think it's natural you're disconnecting. Your intuition is telling you exactly what's up, if only you'll listen. Women's intuition is powerful.

If you continue, he might attempt to "do anything to make you happy" for a while. But he is who he is, and you've seen that clearly in 2 years. Eventually he'll relax and the same patterns will emerge.

[BaileyB]

6 hours ago, Hopeful30 said:

When you go into something together, like buying a property, you go in TOGETHER. There is no your money or my money. You are a team. 

Are you suggesting that she save and put the same amount of money down on the purchase of a new home - is that what you mean by going in together and working as a team? 

Because, as soon as they separate and/or divorce, half of “his” money (ie. home) becomes “her” money... Just saying, that’s a good deal for her but how fair is that to the guy who save up the money for the down payment and bought the home? Not very fair at all...

[Crazelnut]

You can have a legal agreement drawn up that stipulate that, in the event of a breakup, each party gets an amount of the equity proportional to what they put in.  He contributes 50k down payment, and they split the mortgage. After a couple of years, they've each put in 25k toward the mortgage payments. He gets 75% of the equity, she gets 25%. This is exactly how my pre-nup is drawn up, but there are lots of ways to make it fair to both of them.

But we get back to the original question of WHY? Why would you want to buy a house with a man like this?

Edited July 2, 2020 by Crazelnut

[BMI03]

On 6/28/2020 at 5:40 AM, Jane3322 said:

2) he has a 6 year old son. He told me that in order for us to move in, I would have to play step mom and take him to school etc. I told him in return that I am there to support them, but it is not my daily duty to take someone else’s child to school

To me, this is the clearest indication that this is not something you should sign up for. First, you shouldn't be on the title unless you are contributing to the down payment, and the monthly payments. You shouldn't be on the mortgage, unless you are on the title, for your own benefit.

But all that aside, if you are not committed enough to each other that you are making serious and purposeful plans on how your relationship with his child will work, and how you will effectively becoming a committed parent to him for the long haul, then that's your sign that committing to something like a home/mortgage is also in deeper than you should be prepared to commit to. It's like questioning whether or not you should invest in a car, while saying you don't want to commit to learning how to drive. The commitment to one implies you need to be just as readily prepared for the implications of the other. So if you are not ready for one, I wouldn't be considering the investment at this time.

Good luck.

[curlygirl40]

Hi

So it seems the topic has changed a bit as you're trying to figure out what you want from this relationship, but I thought I would chime in.   

As a long time (former) Real Estate person, just making a point that a lot of mortgage companies will not allow someone be on the deed without being on the mortgage.   For obvious reasons, the lender doesn't want someone being able to claim part ownership of the home if they are not financially responsible for the loan.    I have seen it happen that my clients have gone through the closing and then quitclaim a name onto the deed after closing, since it can't happen at closing (bank will not allow it), but even then some mortgage companies will do checks later to be sure that this hasn't happened.   

Also you have to remember that owning a house is a double edged sword of sorts.   People comment about how the money he pays will be going towards principal, etc. but remember that the market fluctuates.     So just as much as he could sell in 5 years and make money, the market is high right now in a lot of areas and the chances are just as good that he could sell in 5 years and lose money.    Also keep in mind that the way mortgages are amortized, the first handful of years, most of the mortgage payment goes towards interest and not towards principal.   So if he sells in a small handful of years, once he pays real estate commissions, attorney's fees, conveyance taxes, etc. and pays off the principal of the loan, he will be lucky to even just walk away with his original down payment.    I believe in the value of owning your own home, but trust me once you calculate taxes, interest, insurance, upkeep, etc. it's usually not an investment.    

(personal example.  Bought my house for $156,000, value is now $180,000 just 4 years later.   BUT in those 4 years I have paid $4800 in insurance, $16,800 in property taxes, $8000 on a new roof and $6000 on a new heating system.     So I've lost money)

Just the fact alone that you're questioning your relationship would make me say that you actually don't want your name on any of it.   BUT it has to benefit you financially.  If he's completely responsible for the house, then he should be responsible for the house.   Taxes, insurance, repairs, etc.    I would come to some agreement that you will pay him a small amount of rent per month (something mutually agreed on) and that you will split the utilities.  Maybe you pay 1/3 since there are 2 of them and one of you, as an example.   

I wouldn't look at it as him benefiting from you paying him some rent.  It's fair that you pay something.  And if you're renting now, it's the same only different location.  Your rent now is benefiting your landlord, that's the arrangement you made when you signed the lease.   

All just food for thought